PsycHacks

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Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 628: Smart people are happy (understanding intelligence)

Fri, 05 Jun 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Contrary to popular belief, smart people are happy because they successfully apply their intelligence to the problem of their own happiness and fulfillment. Understanding intelligence as the ability to solve problems allows us to remove this construct from the academic realm. I discuss why the need to be “right” can distract us from building a life worth living, and how to direct our thinking toward the problems that really matter.

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#psychology #happy #smart

Episode 627: Just be yourself (the best and worst advice)

Mon, 01 Jun 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Is “just be yourself” good advice? In today's episode, I explain why authenticity only works after disciplined self-development has generated competence, confidence, and results. The truth is that becoming who you want to be generally requires first trying to be someone you're not. This is why “just be yourself” is both the best and worst advice: its relevance depends on which stage of becoming you are currently in.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 626: Wounds (your greatest gift)

Fri, 29 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Our deepest wounds can become enduring sources of wisdom and value when we refuse to let pain define us. In this episode, I explain how suffering – when mastered through discipline and intention – can be transformed into something meaningful and productive. Once your scar becomes a star, you may discover that you can bless your pain for the benefit it has given others.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare

Episode 625: Detach (how men show up)

Mon, 25 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Attachment theory dominates modern dating advice, but this might be leading men in the wrong direction. In this episode, I explain why emotional attachment matters more for women, and how its misapplication distorts expectations in relationships. Instead, I argue that men should detach – not out of indifference, but in order to lead with clarity and confidence. This is how men show up at their best.

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#psychology #relationship #men

Episode 624: The samurai (a model for men)

Fri, 22 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

The samurai stands as a model for men, embodying disciplined strength without sacrificing emotional depth. Rather than suppressing sensitivity, the samurai integrates masculine resolve with feminine awareness to achieve mastery in both action and perception. Through a balance of toughness and refinement, he demonstrates how strength can elevate feeling rather than destroy it.

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#psychology #samurai #masculinity

Episode 623: How women win (happy hunting)

Mon, 18 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

In this episode, I explain how women win in the sexual marketplace by shifting from passive dating to strategic selection. From a woman's perspective, preparation – not promiscuity – is the key to long-term success. I encourage women to engage in hunting, which requires a fair amount of research and purposefulness to be successful. This allows them to utilize their sexuality intentionally. Happy hunting!

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The Captains' Quarters. Attend bimonthly group consultations where I answer members' questions and work through their problems in real time. Participate in AMAs with notable guests, access nearly 100 hours of unpublished content, receive discounts on individual consultations, gain a community of supportive, like-minded individuals, and much more. Use this link to enlist: https://the-captains-quarters.mn.co

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 622: The bird test (responding to women)

Fri, 15 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

The bird test is a viral relationship trend that claims to measure emotional attunement through smalls bids for attention, fostering unrealistic expectations about availability and validation. Relationships require respect for the other's time and energy – not performative displays of responding to women. The truth is that a lack of situational awareness is actually a sign of low emotional intelligence.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 621: Bonding (what nature can teach us)

Mon, 11 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

The science of bonding reveals how oxytocin shapes different attachment patterns in men and women. By examining these attachment asymmetries, we can gain insight into the hidden forces that guide commitment, attraction, and relationship stability. Discover what nature can teach us about love, family, and the foundations of lasting connection.

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#psychology #relationship #family

Episode 620: The end of thought (you can't talk to some people)

Fri, 08 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

In today's episode, I explain how therapeutic language can be weaponized to silence disagreement and stigmatize opposing views. When emotions fuse with beliefs, ordinary conflicts can rapidly escalate into moral condemnation and actionable accusations. Rational dialogue collapses because you can't talk to some people who interpret disagreement as a personal attack. Cognitive fusion is the end of thought. Learn how to recognize when conversation is no longer possible.

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#psychology #relationship #mentalhealth

Episode 619: Timing (why people get married)

Mon, 04 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

How much of dating really comes down to timing? In this episode, I argue that being in the right place at the right time matters a lot more than finding the right person. Using the metaphor of musical chairs, I reveal why people get married – and it's more often to do with readiness, not romance. If you're serious about settling down, this will change how you think about strategy, opportunity, and choice.

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#psychology #dating #marriage

Episode 618: Men have a culture (it needs to be preserved)

Fri, 01 May 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Men have a culture – a shared system of values like honor, discipline, and duty – that could disappear in just a few generations if it is not consciously transmitted. Drawing on the lived experience of losing my ancestral identity, I argue that masculinity functions as a living tradition rather than merely a biological fact. Modern social forces are accelerating the erosion of masculine norms, potentially leaving billions disconnected from their heritage. If masculinity is a culture, it needs to be preserved.

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#psychology #men #masculinity

Episode 617: I don't need a man (how women use men)

Mon, 27 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

What do women really mean when they say, “I don't need a man”? The answer reveals how women use men – a reality that is (quite literally) hidden in plain sight. The truth is that both men and women objectify each other – albeit in different ways. However, it is generally in everyone's best interest to accept reality and operate in the sexual marketplace with their eyes open, as this isn't going to change any time soon.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 616: She'll wait (why she won't forget about you)

Fri, 24 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Worried she'll lose interest if you're not available to her? In today's episode, I explain why she'll wait when attraction and emotional investment are high. The truth is that your absence might do more to inflame her emotions than your presence ever could. Appreciating the underlying emotional dynamics will help you understand why she won't forget about you – and why insecurity can sabotage your relationship.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 615: Disagreeable women (the duty to follow)

Mon, 20 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

What happens when strong personalities clash with relationship roles? In this episode, I discuss disagreeable women and why that trait can be an asset in leaders – but a liability in followers. It's for each person to look inside him- or herself and determine whether he or she has the potential for leadership. Those who can't (or won't) lead have the duty to follow.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 614: Use the city (get in, get out)

Fri, 17 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Thinking of moving to the big city? In this episode, I explain why it is essential that you use the city strategically – otherwise, it will end up using you. In today's world, cities are best treated as temporary launchpads for opportunity – places to build income or meet a partner. However, once you've secured those advantages, the smart move is to look for the door. Get in, get out. When it comes to real quality of life, smaller cities are the future.

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#psychology #money #dating

Episode 613: Give him the money (women don't share)

Mon, 13 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

A striking new study corroborates my economic model of relationships. Apparently, when men earn more money, they are more likely to start a family – whereas women are significantly less likely to do so when given the same advantage. The data suggest that women don't share in the same way men do. If we want to fix declining birth rates and prevent population collapse, it will become increasingly important to give him the money.

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#psychology #women #marriage

Episode 612: Make your own mistakes (you have a right to your pain)

Fri, 10 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

In a world full of advice, you still need to make your own mistakes. Real wisdom doesn't come from influencers or books – it comes from the lessons of lived experience. Through the lens of Paulo Coelho's The Alchemist, I demonstrate why the journey is necessary to discover what was always within reach. When life's lessons hurt, remember: you have a right to your pain – it's the price of genuine understanding.

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#psychology #wisdom #life

Episode 611: The diamond mine (men are the prize)

Mon, 06 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Who is the prize in modern relationships: the man or the woman? In this episode, I break down the viral debate and offer a comparison between top-tier men and women. While a top-tier woman is a diamond – dazzling and expensive – a top-tier man is a diamond mine – productive and valuable. Men are the prize because assets that generate value always outperform liabilities that consume it.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 610: Turning it around (how to start winning in life)

Fri, 03 Apr 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Feel like nothing is going your way? In this episode, I break down the psychology of turning it around when you're stuck in a rut. The key is to understand the role of inertia and momentum in human behavior and why small, strategic wins are essential to changing direction. Learn how to start winning in life by (temporarily) lowering your threshold of achievement and building “win chains” that create real emotional force.

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#psychology #win #depression

Episode 609: Performative masculinity (it's not what you think)

Mon, 30 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

We hear a lot about performative masculinity these days – but it's not what you think. In this episode, I argue that this term has been widely misused and clarify that women have been performing masculinity on a mass scale. Behaviors like protectiveness, dutifulness, and aggressiveness become hollow signals when they produce no real-world effects. Do not mistake the theatre for reality.

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#psychology #masculinity #women

Episode 608: You do not need entertainment (how to get more done)

Fri, 27 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

The average American now spends 11 hours a day consuming media – and it's quietly draining our collective vitality. The truth is that you do not need entertainment nearly as much as you think you do. In this episode, I'll discuss how to get more done by cycling effort rather than defaulting to screens when you feel tired. If you're serious about building a meaningful life, this episode is for you.

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#psychology #productivity #meaning

Episode 607: Protecting against gold diggers (show them the money)

Mon, 23 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Successful men often ask me how to effectively integrate protecting against gold diggers into their dating strategy. The answer is simpler than you think. The key principle? Show them the money, but never allow them to separate your resources from your presence. Gold diggers will attempt to do so and will resort to emotional manipulation strategies when they encounter resistance – non-exploitative women won't.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 606: The time to live (your second birthday)

Fri, 20 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Most men live as if they have unlimited tomorrows – but the time to live is now. In this episode, I confront the illusion of future fulfillment and the trap of endless striving. All great and lasting works are produced after a man's second birthday: the moment he wakes up to his own mortality. Procrastination is a form of arrogance, as it presumes time enough to act. If you've been postponing your life, this is your wake-up call.

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#psychology #death #birthday

Episode 605: Let men solve problems (he's not your girlfriend)

Mon, 16 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Why do women get frustrated when men try to offer them solutions? In this episode, I argue that relationships suffer when we ignore men's natural strengths and insist they conform to women's communication preferences. Therapeutic culture maintains that listening is the answer. However, that's rarely true. It's important for women to remember he's not your girlfriend. When women let men solve problems, they build appreciation and complementarity instead of invalidation and resentment.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 604: Optimization fatigue (why you feel worse as you get better)

Fri, 13 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Are you exhausted from trying to optimize every area of your life? In this episode, I discuss optimization fatigue and how constant self-improvement messaging quietly drains your energy. This is why you feel worse as you get better, even when you're making real progress. It turns out that optimization isn't actually optimal for either growth or outcome. If this is you, it may be time to step off the eudaimonic treadmill.

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#psychology #selfdevelopment #growth

Episode 603: Bad boys (why women want them)

Mon, 09 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0700

Why are women consistently drawn to bad boys – even when they expressly say they want the opposite? Although bad boys are essentially intimidating and antisocial, their disregard stimulates women's emotions and their aggressiveness serves as a female safety cue. This is the reason why women want them: the danger they represent signals protection and an invitation to social freedom.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 602: How to get over an ex (the two best strategies)

Fri, 06 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Heartbreak can steal months – or years – of your life, if you let it. In this episode, I break down how to get over an ex using psychological truths – not wishful thinking. The two best strategies for doing so are exposure and extinction, and they both arrive at the same destination, namely: neutrality in the face of the lost object. If you're ready to reclaim your dignity and move on for good, this episode is for you.

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#psychology #relationship #heartbroken

Episode 601: A useful eight (my ideal woman)

Mon, 02 Mar 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Many people have asked me about my ideal woman. My answer is simple: my ideal woman is a useful eight. She is attractive enough to captivate my sexual interest, but not so attractive as to make herself impractically high-maintenance. Furthermore, she adds value to my life – rather than depletes it. I offer this practical framework so that other men might benefit in their own vetting processes.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 600: Cheap sex (it's not all bad)

Fri, 27 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

There are many people who lament the current state of the sexual marketplace. Characterized by (relatively) cheap sex and inappropriate expectations, dating in today's day and age is like living in the lawless wild west. However, it's not all bad. One of the many silver linings here is that the devaluation of female sexual access has created the practical necessity for women to improve their value proposition. Just like men have had to “level up” for centuries, modern women now find themselves in the position of needing to demonstrate they are more than just a sexual partner in order to secure commitment.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 599: She who cries wolf (is she seeing clearly?

Mon, 23 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Women initiate the lion's share of divorces. Are they detecting real threats to their relationships or are they crying wolf? Heightened threat sensitivity in conjunction with neuroticism can turn fake problems into real problems by eroding trust, credibility, and long-term stability. The fact is that false positives can be just as destructive as false negatives. The question for she who cries wolf is simple: is she seeing clearly?

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 598: Relaxing into her feminine (the soft life)

Fri, 20 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

It is not uncommon to hear a woman today speak of “relaxing into her feminine.” When a strong provider arrives to pay the bills and solve the problems, she is finally free to luxuriate in her feelings and fully experience her womanhood. And while there is nothing inherently wrong about the soft life, such a perspective begs the question: why is it so difficult for femininity to appear outside of ideal conditions? Is it really such a fragile thing?

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 597: Sex isn't special (feelings don't count)

Mon, 16 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Though it might feel precious to certain individuals, sex isn't special in the modern sexual marketplace. In reality, emotional attachment accounts for most of the inflation of its perceived value. However, feelings don't count. Like selling a family heirloom in a pawn shop, these emotions add nothing in the objective value exchange. And the more spiritualized sex becomes, the less it can (and should) be used as a transactable good.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 596: An ordinary life (it's not for everyone)

Fri, 13 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Settling down can offer peace and stability for some. However, such an arrangement can be suffocating and stultifying for others. An ordinary life is best suited for ordinary people. Those with extraordinary talents, passions, or ambitions will likely find it difficult to thrive under such conditions. Marriage: it's not for everyone – and that's okay.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 595: Height (tall men have it easy)

Mon, 09 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Height matters to women – far more than it probably should – and this increasingly exaggerated preference is distorting the entire sexual marketplace. However, men under six feet aren't out of the game yet. Several factors within their domain of control – like their fitness, their finances, and their mindset – can offset a genetic disadvantage they can do little to change. Tall men have it easy – and that just might be their long-term liability.

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#psychology #dating #height

Episode 594: The democratic lie (we are not created equal)

Fri, 06 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

The democratic lie is the cherished belief that all men are created equal. And the corollary to this belief is that any inequality that does exist must originate from social causes. However, we are not created equal. Even a cursory examination of your senses confirms this fact. Biological differences in intelligence, attractiveness, and ability create real advantages and disadvantages in social action. Denying this source of inequality is subject is misguiding the general public with unreasonable expectations.

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#psychology #nature #politics

Episode 593: His money is my money (modern slavery)

Mon, 02 Feb 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Some women in relationships believe that “my money is my money, and his money is my money.” This is a dangerous double standard that goes well beyond financial entitlement. Since money is the abstraction of time spent in labor, and labor is always spent in the application of the body, financial entitlement is effectively laying claim to another's labor – and the body that produced it. This is a form of modern slavery designed to restrict the freedom of another.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 592: Why you were lied to (and why it hurts so much)

Fri, 30 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

The lies that hurt the most are the lies you wanted to believe. Most of us want desperately to realize our ego ideals: the version of ourselves we would most like to feel that we are. However, this is precisely where we are most vulnerable. You can reclaim your emotional equilibrium by facing the truth about yourself. This is why you believed the lie and why it hurts so much.

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#psychology #relationship #healing

Episode 591: You are a killer (dominate your mind)

Mon, 26 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

If you want your mind to be a peaceful garden, then you must cultivate the willingness to destroy whatever threatens it. Freedom and self-mastery are won through disciplined aggression against destructive thoughts and internal programming. No one will free you: you must fight for your own liberation. Embrace the fact that you are a killer, and dominate your mind.

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#psychology #freedom #selfimprovement

Episode 590: Why the world is falling apart (turning down the genie)

Fri, 23 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Many people today lament the end of the world. And while we are entering into a period of rapid change, the real cause isn't political or ideological. We're in this situation because no one is turning down the genie: our magical technologies that effortlessly fulfill desire. It's not in our nature to turn down easy gratification – and expecting others to do so is unrealistic. This is why the world is falling apart.

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#psychology #politics #technology

Episode 589: The female idol (the corruption of dating)

Mon, 19 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Modern dating has turned women into idols – and men into worshipers making endless sacrifices. Pedestalization, gift giving, and “high effort” dating all mirror the ancient practice of religious rituals in which value is sacrificed in the hopes of securing a divine blessing. The advent of the female idol has led to the corruption of dating – and we are all worse off for it.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 588: Love and justice (order and chaos)

Fri, 16 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

We collectively have a strange attitude toward love and justice. We desire – even expect – others to approach divinity in their capacity to love, but we reject the fundamental basis of their capacity to judge. This has led to the systematic destabilization of society, which seeks to prioritize love – and its exemptions for the individual – over justice – with its universal mandate. All societies must contend with the tension between order and chaos – and social justice is not the solution.

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#psychology #love #justice

Episode 587: The reality of modern family (what's the point?)

Mon, 12 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

The modern nuclear family is a private-sector surrogacy. The necessity of dual incomes has not only radically altered the sexual marketplace, but it has subverted domestic life into an unsustainable absurdity, as well. Given the addition effort and expense associated with maintaining this arrangement, we are justified in asking: “what's the point?” The reality of modern family is now very different from the dream that existed in previous generations.

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#family #marriage #relationship

Episode 586: What do you want to have for dinner? (no straight answers)

Fri, 09 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

The question “what do you want to have for dinner?” isn't about dinner at all – it's a covert test of value, attention, and emotional investment. In this episode, I discuss how men and women use the same conversations to gather very different kinds of information. This is why so often there are no straight answers from women: some of the information they seek cannot be collected through direct questioning. These intersexual discrepancies are more common than you might think.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 585: Women are dirty (understanding their dark desires)

Mon, 05 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

Contrary to popular belief, women are not made of sugar and spice. Their sexual fantasies are far more devious and socially unacceptable than most people realize. By examining women's prototypical romantic fantasy, we can approach an understanding of their dark desires – an analysis corroborated by many examples hidden in plain sight. Women are dirty: make of it what you will.

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#psychology #women #romance

Episode 584: Become a monster (owning your darkness)

Fri, 02 Jan 2026 08:00:00 -0800

You are the monster you a running from in your nightmares. How could it be otherwise? Shadow work is the process of owning your darkness and integrating it into your conscious personality. The impulses and desires we disavow tend to become the evils we project into the world. You can either become a monster – or be hunted by the monsters of your own making.

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#psychology #selfdevelopment #growth

Episode 583: Staying at home (no one wants to do it)

Mon, 29 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

For the last few decades, both men and women have been trying to talk the opposite sex into staying at home with the kids. However, if this were as wonderful as both sides make it out to be, then each would be clamoring to do so themselves. The fact is that no one wants to do it, because staying at home is associated with certain challenges that many adults are ill-prepared to meet. It's time we move beyond the propaganda – on both sides.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 582: Women walking away (are men to blame?)

Fri, 26 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

The results are in: women are more dissatisfied in their relationships than men are. However, before we interpret this as yet another signal that men need to “do better,” we need to ask ourselves: are women more satisfied out of their relationships? In reality, there is a host of evidence to suggest that women exhibit lower satisfaction than men in a variety of contexts – suggesting that their relationships may not be the issue. Are men to blame for women walking away – or is there something else going on?

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 581: Sex and attention (the most reinforcing good)

Mon, 22 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

The most reinforcing good you can give to a man is sex, and the most reinforcing good you can give to a woman is attention. This asymmetry is responsible for the power imbalances in many exclusive relationships, in which women typically eliminate their competition, but retain their optionality. Fairness and equality aren't the same thing – and what's good for the goose isn't always what's good for the gander. In this episode, I examine the role that sex and attention play in intersexual relationships.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 580: Modern women (you can't have it both ways)

Fri, 19 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

In the wake of the death of the lady, we see the rise of modern women. Today's women are attempting to secure the benefits associated with both of their roles in the historical sexual marketplace without any of the liabilities – and this is creating a host of intersexual misunderstandings. The truth is that you can't have it both ways – irrespective of whether you're a man or a woman. However, for a variety of reasons, this isn't going to change anytime soon.

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#psychology #women #dating

Episode 579: Death of the lady (where are all the real men?)

Mon, 15 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Modern women ask “where are all the real men?” However, to answer this question, we need to look through the lens of the traditional sexual marketplace and the historical divide between “ladies” and “prostitutes.” Learn how these roles shaped male behavior, female strategy, and the rise (and fall) of chivalry. The death of the lady has ushered in the contemporary sexual marketplace. First in a two-part episode.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 578: Is having a boyfriend embarrassing? (single is not a flex)

Fri, 12 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Is it really cringe for women to have boyfriends now? In today's episode, I respond to Vogue's viral article (“Is having a boyfriend embarrassing now?”) and explain why the trend against relationships isn't quite as empowered as it seems. Learn how social validation, political ideology, and intrasexual competition shape what women are told to value. The truth is single is not a flex.

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#dating #relationship #psychology

Episode 577: Get better (advice for men)

Mon, 08 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Telling men to “get better” is vague, moralistic, and (typically) rooted in frameworks that prioritize women's needs and desires. However, men can – and should – get better. In today's episode, I argue that men get better by becoming stronger, richer, and more attractive – as these things might be the closest we get to inherent goods. Ignore the voices pushing weakness and decline. Invest in yourself and watch your world transform. This is my advice for men.

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#psychology #men #selfimprovement

Episode 576: She takes and takes (why he feels used)

Fri, 05 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Some men complain to me about their women: “she takes and takes.” However, the real problem in the relationship is that he gives and gives. This is why he feels used. In this episode, I discuss how poor boundaries, emotional discomfort, and scarcity mentality all conspire to make men complicit in their own relational resentment. Cultivate abundance – and the optionality it passively generates – and you'll watch many of these issues disappear.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 575: The ring test (love and business)

Mon, 01 Dec 2025 08:00:00 -0800

The ring test is one that I would encourage every man seriously considering marriage to conduct, as it will expose a woman's true motivations for wedlock – and your own latent romanticism. Marriage is not about love. Marriage is a business contract that is primarily concerned with the ownership and distribution of resources. Before you propose, ask the only questions that really matter: “Can I afford her?” and “Is she worth it?” In love and business, it's important to be on the same page.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 574: How to find yourself (understanding what you really want)

Fri, 28 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Finding yourself is not something that people do, once and for all. This is because we are always in the process of becoming who we are. At these moments of reflection, it's important to know how to find yourself. The key is understanding what you really want and developing the capacity to understand the feedback provided by your emotions when they come into contact with experience. If you fill yourself with activities and relationships that support you emotionally, you can build a life worth living.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare

Episode 573: Body count (beyond the number)

Mon, 24 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Many men obsess over a woman’s “body count.” But the truth is that men will never learn the truth – and what they do learn won't reassure them. In this episode, I discuss why digging into a woman's sexual history is generally not a good idea, and why body count is an imperfect proxy for purity, loyalty, and long-term compatibility. It's time that men move beyond the number.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 572: The love trap (she can't fix you)

Fri, 21 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Many men believe that a woman's love will fill the emptiness inside of them – but it can't. This is the love trap. The bitter truth is that you can't feel another person's love. You can only feel your own love coming out of you. Consequently, it's a good idea for men to heal this emptiness on their own – through purpose, faith, and action. She can't fix you.

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#psychology #love #relationship

Episode 571: How relationships work (on value)

Mon, 17 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

In today's episode, I discuss the fundamental truths with respect to how relationships are created and maintained. It all centers on value. It is neither the good nor the loving nor the virtuous who are desired for relationships, but the people from whom others want things. This is how relationships work. Ignore these principles at your own risk.

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#psychology #relationship #philosophy

Episode 570: You can't cheat yourself (understanding self love)

Fri, 14 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

While you can occasionally trick others, the truth is that you can't cheat yourself. This is why all real growth arises out of discipline and self-love. When people want something more than they want the process of obtaining it, they will be tempted to fraud. However, you can resist this temptation by understanding self love as sacrifice in the service of your goals.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #selflove

Episode 569: Man up (for the benefit of women)

Mon, 10 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Modern culture tells men to “man up” – but not for their own sakes. In today's episode, I expose how society defines masculinity for the benefit of women, and why this does men a disservice. The dominant culture does not want strong, prosperous, masculine men – but it's time for men to reclaim their self-definition.

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#psychology #men #masculinity

Episode 568: My new book (why you should read it)

Fri, 07 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

I'm proud to announce that I've recently completed my new book, Starry Night. Since it's a bit different from my usual fare, I thought I would make an episode on why you should read it. Starry Night is a piece of historical fiction relating the final days of the painter, Vincent van Gogh. Through multiple perspectives, the story explores genius, madness, love, and the tragedy of suicide. It’s a philosophical novel that reveals profound psychological truths through narrative rather than analysis. Deep, emotional, and unforgettable — Starry Night is unlike anything you’ve read before.

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#psychology #vangogh #books

Episode 567: If he wanted to (maybe he would)

Mon, 03 Nov 2025 08:00:00 -0800

A popular meme that is circulating the internet involves women posting videos of men demonstrating uncommon provision and devotion with the caption: “if he wanted to, he would.” The idea here is that women should never accept less than full princess treatment in their romantic relationships. However, there is more to this trope than meets the eye. In today's episode, I discuss some of the surprising motivations behind female crowing. The truth is that if he wanted to, maybe he would – and maybe he shouldn't.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 566: The primary lie (you can't always get what you want)

Fri, 31 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The primary lie is responsible for the vast majority of relationship dysfunction and the attendant relationship dysfunction industries, namely: the belief that you can have any relationship with anyone. It turns out you can only have certain relationships with certain people. However, people remain willfully blinded by their hope and their attraction. The truth is Mick was right: you can't always get what you want.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 565: As little as possible (why men need to do the bare minimum)

Mon, 27 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Women often complain online about men doing “the bare minimum” when planning and executing dates. In today's episode, I present a number of arguments why it may – in fact – be in men's best interests to do as little as possible, especially early in the courtship process. Besides enabling men to establish sustainable reinforcement protocols, doing as little as possible helps men separate the women who really like them from the women who simply want to use them for their own purposes. This is why men need to do the bare minimum.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 564: Garden tools (how to capture male attention)

Fri, 24 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In today's episode, I'll be discussing garden tools – but not the horticultural type. The fact is that hoeish behavior persists on the population level because it works. Women who behave this way know how to capture male attention and resources. That said, while it may not be possible to turn a hoe into a housewife, you can – in fact – turn a housewife into a hoe.

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#psychology #relationship #dating

Episode 563: The prison planet (the nature of existence)

Mon, 20 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In honor of my father's 75th birthday, I'm going to talk about one of his favorite concepts: the prison planet. Once you accept the fundamental premise of this model, a great deal of human suffering – past and present – begins to make sense. People exist in various degrees of unfreedom, and no one quite remembers how this happened. By understanding the nature of existence, we can make better choices with respect to our time on the inside.

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#psychology #freedom #karma

Episode 562: Bait your hook (how will you be used?)

Fri, 17 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

If you're fishing for relationships, you have to bait your hook – because fish don't bite steel. Of course, this runs the risk of being exploited for your bait. However, you can significantly reduce the likelihood of this occurring with a little common sense. Just remember that you can't dictate what fish are supposed to like. Bait your hook appropriately and you'll never be at a loss for food. The only question you have to ask yourself is: how will you be used?

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 561: The spark (dating for feels)

Mon, 13 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Many young people are in search of the spark: a certain quickening of the blood that supposedly indicates that they've found “the one.” However, dating for feels generally only makes any sense if certain conditions are met. Assuming the spark is a kind of signal detection software for your unconscious love template, following this feeling only “works” if you had a good model to begin with. Otherwise, you may need to move in the opposite direction.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 560: Dread (understanding evil)

Fri, 10 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The mission of this channel is to reduce unnecessary human suffering, and one way to do this is through a proper understanding of evil. One underappreciated source of evil is dread: the deeply unnerving uncertainty that attends awareness of our mortality. Attempts to both avoid dread and foreclose on it create a good deal of misery in the world. However, alternatives exist that can make life less hellacious.

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#psychology #peace #wellness

Episode 559: She can cry (how to deal with an emotional woman)

Mon, 06 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The sight of a crying woman can be a source of great distress for a man, which can motivate him to do all kinds of things he wouldn't ordinarily do in order to “make her feel better.” However, in most cases, there is typically nothing to be done. She can cry, and she is entitled to her feelings. This is dealing with an emotional woman.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 558: You are a parking space (how to suffer less)

Fri, 03 Oct 2025 08:00:00 -0700

A great deal of the unnecessary suffering on this planet arises from inappropriate identification, which leads to narcissistic injury. A way to prevent this from occurring is to consider the idea that you are a parking space. Rather than identifying with anything that resides there, you can see yourself as the container which holds what you temporarily have. This is how to suffer less.

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#psychology #wisdom #selfimprovement

Episode 557: The look (speak with your eyes)

Mon, 29 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

As a man, it is your job to convey sexual intent in the early stages of the courtship process, and this is done most effectively using non-verbal forms of communication. Today, I'm going to be describing – and demonstrating – “the look:” a way of looking at women that cultivates sexual tension without being creepy. Learn to speak with your eyes – as your mouth is better served for other things.

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#psychology #dating #attraction

Episode 556: The art of surrender (how to let go)

Fri, 26 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

When caught in the jaws of life, it is immensely useful to practice the art of surrender. In so many words, this is the art of waking up to the fact that your helplessness and powerlessness are nothing new. You've always ever been in the passenger seat – and that's okay. By practicing this art before you need it, you'll be better equipped to make use of it when the time comes. This is how to let go.

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#psychology #peace #mentalhealth

Episode 555: AI relationships (the future of dating)

Mon, 22 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Mark my words. AI relationships will be commonplace by the end of this decade, and these agents will soon constitute the sexual marketplace's most threatening competition. Given that most relational needs are psychological, the mind does not need ontologically objective means to satisfy them. And AI agents will likely create less unnecessary suffering and relational chaos than other relational alternatives to unmet needs. Like it or not, this is the future of dating.

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#psychology #ai #dating

Episode 554: Becoming a real woman (the Scarlett effect)

Fri, 19 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The Pinocchio story teaches us that men might have to pass through a trial to become fully human. Similarly, women might have to go through an ordeal of their own in order to attain to their full humanity. I call this the Scarlett effect, as it is exemplified in the character arc of Margaret Mitchell's Scarlett O'Hara. Only when broken by life does Scarlett become fully human. This is the process of becoming a real woman.

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#psychology #women #selfimprovement

Episode 553: The price of safety (the man or the bear)

Mon, 15 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Everything in this world has a cost, and the price of safety is civility. In order to live in society, the more powerful have to be induced to not impose upon the less powerful – an arrangement the less powerful have traditionally bought with respect. Reneging on this agreement is a form of tempting fate. In choosing between the man or the bear, women often select the option they've provoked the least.

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#psychology #power #safety

Episode 552: Don't chase (the power of attractiveness)

Fri, 12 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Almost every dating coach tells his or her clients not to chase the opposite sex. However, if both sides listened to this advice, wouldn't that lead to a stand-off in the sexual marketplace? It would, if both sides were indefinitely equal with respect to their power balance – and this is not the case. In general, the more powerful force the less powerful to act. This is the power of attractiveness in sexual relationships. “Don't chase” only works if you are more attractive than the other party.

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#psychology #dating #power

Episode 551: Why women get ghosted (they're not worth it)

Mon, 08 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Many women incorrectly believe that sleeping with a man will decrease the likelihood that he consider her as a long-term prospect. However, this is not true. In some cases, the sex is the most positive aspect of the nascent relationship. The reason why women get ghosted after sex is because they've anchored their opportunity at too high a price point. Men who don't return have decided that the women in question have made it too difficult and expensive to pursue them. These men decide that they're not worth it. In today's episode, I discuss how women can avoid this outcome.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 550: Ask her out (the two bridges)

Fri, 05 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

It took nearly dying on the adventure of a lifetime for Samwise Gamgee to make a move on Rosie Cotton. The hack to overcoming your approach anxiety is to build a habit of doing more difficult things: a conclusion that is borne out by one of my favorite psychology experiments, the study of the two bridges. If talking to a woman is the scariest thing you do today, you may need to evaluate your life choices.

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#psychology #dating #men

Episode 549: No one-night stands (how not to find your husband)

Mon, 01 Sep 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Many women believe that initiating a sexual relationship too quickly will disqualify them from a long-term relationship: no one-night stands! However, this is not true. In today's dating scene, sex precedes commitment. Therefore, functionally all relationships begin as one-night stands: as a single event without the guarantee of a repeat performance. On the other hand, creating arbitrary rules about sex is a great way for women to make dating even harder on themselves. This is how not to find your husband.

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#psychology #dating #marriage

Episode 548: Don't waste her time (how women set themselves up to fail)

Fri, 29 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

It is a commonly-held belief that men who are not serious about a woman's long-term commitment should leave her be – especially in her 30s. Don't waste her time! However, disqualifying men because they will not comply with a woman's time line is a poor dating strategy. Good things take time – irrespective of when they are begun. This is how women set themselves up to fail: they attempt too many projects and do not give any sufficient time to succeed.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 547: The core of respect (approaching the O word)

Mon, 25 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

There is evidence to suggest that men need respect in a sexual relationship more than they need love. However, many women legitimately don't know how to respect a man. In today's episode, I will lay bare the core of respect, the essential element without which no respect exists: obedience. By approaching the O word, women can learn how to have more peaceful and satisfying relationships with the men of their choosing.

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#psychology #respect #relationship

Episode 546: Getting vs. keeping (emotional labor in dating)

Fri, 22 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Since men and women gatekeep different aspects of a relationship – commitment and sex, respectively – the burden of effort over the course of a courtship falls on the one who is actively trying to be let in. It's not just women who perform emotional labor in dating. It take a lot of work for men to initiate the sexual relationship. However, there is an imbalance in getting vs. keeping: the cost of one is not always – or usually – the cost of the other.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 545: Don't be her option (why you get left on read)

Mon, 18 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Most men are a woman's option – not her priority. And many are complicit in relegating themselves to this role. In today's episode, I discuss how over-pursuing and over-committing lead to suboptimal outcomes. If you want to get what you want, don't be her option. Giving too much, too soon is why you get left on read.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 544: Go f**k myself (how to accelerate your growth)

Fri, 15 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

To get what you want in life, it is helpful to cultivate a “fuck you” attitude, that is: the capacity to go without the support or approval of others. However, it may be even more helpful to cultivate a “fuck me” attitude to achieve your dreams. This is the ability to consciously override the habits and preferences that block your effective action. This is how to accelerate your growth: go fuck myself.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #success

Episode 543: Why men lose interest in sex: Love (where men love they do not desire)

Mon, 11 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In this third installment on my series on male sexuality, I discuss another reason why men lose interest in sex: love. Like it or not, a good deal of male arousal is predicated on objectification. Once a man begins to care for the person inside the body, the sexual act is increasingly divested of its aggressive element, which can vitiate the experience. This is the Madonna/Whore Complex, and it affects more men than you would think. As Freud wrote, “where men love they do not desire.”

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#psychology #men #women

Episode 542: The magic ring (marriage isn't the answer)

Fri, 08 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Despite appearances to the contrary, there are many men today who believe in magic. That is, they believe that marrying a woman will solve the problems that exist in their relationship. In this case, marriage isn't the answer. It's important to understand that any problems that exist in the courtship stage – unburdened, as it is, from any real responsibility – will only worsen in the context of marriage. A ring is a symbol of a relationship that is already working – not some magic panacea to fix one that isn't.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 541: Why men lose interest in sex: Habituation (the allure of the new)

Mon, 04 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In my second episode on the subject, I discuss another variable antagonistic to male sexuality: habituation. For better or worse, men – or males, more generally – are biologically programmed to spread their seed. This strategy is supported by the Coolidge Effect, which is a psychological phenomenon that makes novel sexual opportunities appear more attractive to men. The allure of the new is a powerful force. At the end of the talk, I discuss the four methods of accommodating to this reality in the context of long-term relationships.

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Episode 540: Spilling the tea (why men will walk away)

Fri, 01 Aug 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Tea, a popular new app that purports to “make dating safer for women,” has (deservedly) received a lot of backlash in recent weeks. In this episode, I argue that Tea – and apps like it – have the potential to sever a dating market that is already only hanging on by a thread. Rather than dissuading bad actors, these apps are more likely to terrify good ones. When the risk-reward profile of dating women becomes too unfavorable, only the desperate and those with nothing to lose will remain. This is why men will walk away.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 539: Pet or partner? (you can't have it both ways)

Mon, 28 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Just like there are many different ways to structure a company, there are many different ways to structure a romantic relationship. Today I discuss two of the most common such structures: pet and partner. One is not necessarily better than the other, and there are pros and cons to each. It's important to consider your needs closely, because you can't have it both ways. By matching the revealed power structure to the particular structure best suited to it, relationships stand a much higher chance of succeeding.

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#psychology #relationship #power

Episode 538: Sex is about power (the fantasy of most men)

Fri, 25 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this second installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's second claim. Sexual selection is one the most reliable methods of determining men's relative power rankings. Furthermore, most sexual fantasies typically revolve around the use (and abuse) of power, which would be strange if sex were really just about the pleasure of the experience. By considering pornography to be a kind of wish-fulfillment, we can identify the fantasy of most men.

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#psychology #men #power

Episode 537: All men are incels (the bitter truth)

Mon, 21 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

I've never understood the use of the term “incel” – or “involuntarily celibate” – as an insult. After all, if a man wants to have sex with a woman who doesn't, then – at least, in the context of this relationship – either the man is going to be involuntarily celibate or the woman is going to be involuntarily sexual. And while we do not need to celebrate those who obey the dicta of civil society and human dignity, I would argue that it is very stupid to denigrate those who choose to do so. The bitter truth is that – since no man who has never heard “no” – all men are incels. The real division is between those who respect that decision and those who don't.

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#psychology #dating #men

Episode 536: Everything is about sex (the true power of male desire)

Fri, 18 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Oscar Wilde once wrote: “Everything is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power.” In this first installment of a two-part series, I discuss the truth of this statement's first claim. Especially when it comes to men, I contend that almost everything really is about sex. The sublimation of the sexual impulse into prosocial ends is what makes it possible for men to do the difficult, dangerous, and uncomfortable tasks demanded of civilization. For better or worse, productive output is largely based on this transformation. This is the true power of male desire.

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#psychology #men #growth

Episode 535: Why men lose interest in sex: Familiarity (why closeness kills attraction)

Mon, 14 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Male sexuality is often misunderstood. In this first in a series of episodes on the topic, I discuss one of the reasons why men lose interest in sex: familiarity. When people live in family-like conditions for many years, they develop a sexual indifference (or aversion) to each other in order to prevent inbreeding. This is known as the Westermarck Effect, and it can help explain why closeness kills attraction.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 534: Her only competition (why men end up in bad relationships)

Fri, 11 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

When it comes to relationships, women don't actually compete with other women for men's attention. Ultimately, her only competition is his solitude: the degree to which he enjoys his own company. Some men are so self-loathing that they will endure even disrespect or abuse, if the relationship succeeds in taking them away from themselves. This is why men end up in bad relationships. On the other hand, those who value their solitude maintain much higher standards when it comes to interacting with others.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 533: Male cheating and female cheating (what makes them different)

Mon, 07 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In this much requested episode, I discuss some of the evidence-supported differences in male cheating and female cheating. Among other things, these behaviors tend to differ with respect to relationship satisfaction, motivation, and dimensionality. By examining what makes them different, we can consider some of the divergent ends to which men and women form – and maintain – their relationships.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 532: Estranged fathers (dealing with parental alienation)

Fri, 04 Jul 2025 08:00:00 -0700

I've spoken with a number of fathers who have become estranged from their children as a consequence of the family court system and their exes' manipulative behavior. Dealing with parental alienation is a painful experience with few actionable solutions. In this episode, I share a technique that men can enact to combat this situation: the evidence box. This should help estranged fathers maintain a connection with their kids long-term.

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#psychology #father #parenting

Episode 531: How I know what women want (their feelings don't matter)

Mon, 30 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

My recent Soft White Underbelly talk on what women want received a fair bit of criticism. How could I – a man – possibly know what it feels like to be a woman? Shouldn't we let women speak for themselves? In this episode, I respond to the argument at face value and explain how it is that I know what women want. Though it might sound callous, their feelings don't matter. The most reliable means of establishing what women – or anyone – wants is by observing their behavior with respect to limited resources.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 530: All I want... (the problem with dating today)

Fri, 27 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The problem with dating today is that people want too much. “All I want...” is a prelude to an unsatisfiable laundry list of partner criteria. This keeps people single and prevents them from appreciating their relationships. I argue that this stance is either due to willful delusion about the sexual marketplace or a kind of perfectionism that masks relationship anxiety.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 529: Stop short or go long (the two paths to a relationship)

Mon, 23 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In considering the long-term relationships I've observed that have done the distance, I've noticed two commonalities. The folks who end up staying together either stop short or go long. Using an extended metaphor, I explain what this means for the sexual marketplace, and why many people meet with suboptimal outcomes. These two approaches seem to be the two paths to a relationship.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 528: No one is coming to save you (you are the one you are waiting for)

Fri, 20 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The sooner you realize that no one is coming to save you, the sooner you will get busy addressing the pain and dysfunction in your life. Take radical responsibility, starting with the assumption that everything that happens to you – for good or bad – is your fault. Since you hold the ability to respond to the conditions you find yourself in, then it must be true that you are the one you are waiting for.

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#psychology #selfdevelopment #growth

Episode 527: The irresponsible man (the case against unmarried men)

Mon, 16 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The general attitude toward unmarried men is that they are selfish, short-sighted, man-children who forgo real growth and fulfillment in favor of satisfying their own desires. As a consequence, the irresponsible man should submit to social institutions – like marriage – that correct their baser natures. In this episode, I offer my best counterargument to the case against unmarried men and expose the flaws in this reasoning.

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#psychology #marriage #men

Episode 526: I did (why women are mean to men who like them)

Fri, 13 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

If you don't believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world does. And if you do believe in yourself, it won't matter if everyone else in the world doesn't. In today's episode, I illustrate this principle using a particularly satisfying example from my own life. Along the way, I explain why women are mean to men who like them. If I did it, you can too.

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#psychology #women #success

Episode 525: Delusional women (understanding female entitlement)

Mon, 09 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Following up on my recent interview with Sadia Khan on Soft White Underbelly, I justify my belief that modern women are more delusional than men when it comes to dating and relationships. I discuss the narratives and attitudes that have contributed to the expectation that ordinary women can – and should – hold out for extraordinary men. In understanding female entitlement, both sexes can better avoid the trap presented by delusional women.

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#dating #women #psychology

Episode 524: Some men need marriage (be all that you can be)

Fri, 06 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

If marriage transforms wild mustangs into plow horses, why do we find so many men in harness? The answer is that some men need marriage, and they need it in much the same way that some men need the Army. If men cannot construct internally extrapolated structures to serve as a framework for their lives, they will need to submit to externally imposed ones. However, just like the Army isn't the only way to be all that you can be, marriage isn't the only pathway to develop the virtues ascribed to it.

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#marriage #relationship #psychology

Episode 523: The plow horse (how marriage uses men)

Mon, 02 Jun 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Over the years, I've spoken with many men who were at a loss to explain how their marriages became unsatisfying cages. However, it we optimize for men's traditional marriage commitments – protection, provision, and sexual exclusivity – we arrive at the plow horse as the logical conclusion. The harnessing of male productivity to female ends is not a flaw, but a feature: the intended design of marriage. In this episode, I explore how marriage uses men.

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#marriage #relationship #psychology

Episode 522: The problem of now (the dirty garage)

Fri, 30 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Many self-help gurus extol the benefits of living in the present moment. However, simply living in the here and now will not solve your issues – at least, not immediately. Tuning into the present is like finally cleaning out the dirty garage you've been avoiding for years: it will be an unpleasant and effortful chore. Appreciating the problem of now helps us make sense of why so few people take advantage of this free and available intervention.

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#psychology #mindfulness #meditation

Episode 521: The disposable man (all lives are not worth the same)

Mon, 26 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Like kamikaze pilots, most men living today have been brainwashed by their culture into believing that their lives derive value when they are sacrificed in the service of women. While women are instructed in their own inherent worth, men are taught that their value is created in the act of their own self-destruction. Both literally and figuratively, men are expected to die when others deem it necessary. This programming has produced the disposable man and the inescapable social fact that – despite all virtuous protestations to the contrary – all lives are not worth the same.

#psychology #men #women

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Episode 520: An ideal marriage (why certain relationships go the distance)

Fri, 23 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Many folks have asked me to give an example of a successful marriage from popular culture as a kind of model for relationship best practices. After considering the matter, I'm prepared to offer one: Gomez and Morticia Addams. These two exemplify the principle of custom-tailoring the relationship to the specific needs of the individuals involved. They also love to play with each other, which keeps the passion in their relationship alive. It may not be an ideal marriage for everyone, but it helps to clarify why certain relationships go the distance.

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#marriage #relationship #psychology

Episode 519: Rise of the beta (why men today are so feminine)

Mon, 19 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

If alpha males are supposed to be the most competent and successful men, then why do find so many beta males at the top of status hierarchies these days? How has strong male leadership become so rare? In this episode, I propose that the rise of the beta is merely a step in an uncompleted process in which women come into power. Using an example from the TV show “Survivor,” I explain why men today are so feminine: they are easier to emotionally manipulate and to beat in direct competition.

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#psychology #men #women

Episode 518: Know when to shut up (learn how to take the money)

Fri, 16 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Whether in the boardroom or the bedroom, many negotiations are compromised when a man doesn't know when to shut up. Once the other party has made a decision, there is literally nothing more you can say to talk them into it – and a lot you can say to talk them out of it. Inexperienced men with low self-confidence are the worst culprits here. It's important to learn how to take the money.

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#psychology #business #success

Episode 517: What women want (the answer to the question)

Mon, 12 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The question as to what women want has long plagued men as an unsolved (or unsolvable) riddle. However, the answer to the question is deceptively simple: women want what other women want. Through a kind of flocking instinct, women constantly observe other women in order to deduce where the fattest part of any behavioral curve is currently located, as this is where the greatest safety resides. So by observing what other women are doing in the modern day, we can – in turn – deduce what those women want, namely: everything.

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#psychology #women #socialmedia

Episode 516: Her narcissistic ex (why this is a red flag)

Mon, 05 May 2025 08:00:00 -0700

In today's day and age, it seems as though every woman has a narcissistic ex – which is surprising given the fact that folks with NPD are estimated to comprise 2% of the population. Given the fact that any relationship in which women give more than they receive could be considered exploitative – and that the adored always receive more than they give – any relationship in which women were the adorers could retroactively be considered exploitative. However, from a clinical perspective, there is a deeper reason why her narcissistic ex is concerning. In today's episode, I discuss why this is a red flag.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 515: The appreciation gap (how to stop men from cheating)

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The appreciation gap is the difference between the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people feel due from their partners and the amount of recognition and acknowledgment people actually receive from their partners. Negative appreciation gaps are directly responsible for the dissolution of millions of relationships every year. In this episode, I discuss simple strategies to prevent the formation of negative gaps and end with a counterintuitive suggestion on how to stop men from cheating.

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#marriage #cheating #relationship

Episode 514: How to meet women (the four pathways)

Mon, 21 Apr 2025 08:00:00 -0700

While women are functionally omnipresent, there are really only four ways to meet women in today's day and age. These are the four pathways – dating apps, cold approach, social circle, and social media – and there are pros and cons to each. In general, the fastest and easiest pathways are characterized by the lowest rates of success, while the slowest and most difficult pathways are graced with better odds. For better or worse, this is how to meet women in the modern age.

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#women #dating #relationship

Episode 513: The beginning of the end (how men lose power in relationships)

Mon, 14 Apr 2025 08:00:00 -0700

If it is better for most relationships for the man to control the frame, why do women hold more power in the vast majority of relationships? While the abnegation of frame occurs at the onset of some relationships as a sexual strategy, in most cases power is slowly ceded over time through a series of small concessions. This starts to occur once a certain fear takes hold of the man, which is an emotional event I call “the beginning of the end.” This is how men lose power in relationships.

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#relationship #power #men

Episode 512: Who speaks for men? (the disappearance of male space)

Mon, 07 Apr 2025 08:00:00 -0700

I've occasionally been asked to offer a psychological explanation for why certain powerful or charismatic personalities have apparently been able to seduce the hearts and minds of young men. I contend that this phenomenon has a lot to do with the disappearance of male space and the need for belongingness that these communities satisfy. Who speaks for men? If it is considered inappropriate to support men, then don't be surprised if only inappropriate men do so.

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#psychology #men #community

Episode 511: Attachment can change (overcoming relational insecurity)

Mon, 31 Mar 2025 08:00:00 -0700

The past fifty years have amassed a good deal of evidence in support of attachment theory. Unfortunately, this has led to the overapplication of these ideas in the popular imagination, including the notions that attachment style is permanent or must be accommodated in relationship. In point of fact, attachment can change. Understanding how it changes is the key to overcoming relational insecurity.

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#psychology #relationship #attachment

Episode 510: Not everyone can be happy (your thoughts create your reality)

Mon, 24 Mar 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Just like certain plants won't grow in certain soils, happiness will not survive in a mind full of judgment and negativity. While people are free to think whatever they want, they are not free to feel however they want as a consequence of what they choose to think. This is why not everyone can be happy. Understand that your thoughts create your reality and you're already on your way to cultivating preferred feeling states.

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#psychology #happy #feeling

Episode 509: Staying for the kids (responding to the arguments)

Mon, 17 Mar 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Of the course of my career, I've conducted many consultations with men who have resigned themselves to toxic or abusive marriages. Though miserable, these men believe that staying for the kids will prevent even more negative outcomes for everyone involved. In today's episode, I will be responding to the arguments of these men. Ultimately, they must decide what they hope their children will do if they ever find themselves in the same situation.

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#psychology #marriage #men

Episode 508: Men need friends (the loneliness problem)

Mon, 10 Mar 2025 08:00:00 -0700

Men are growing increasingly isolated. Without regular contact with friends, men's mental health deteriorates, contributing -- in some cases -- to the significantly higher rates of addiction and self-harm in this population. Men need friends, and it's up to men to solve the loneliness problem by overcoming the obstacles that exacerbate it.

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#psychology #men #friends

Episode 507: The Easter egg hunt (how women get men to lose)

Mon, 03 Mar 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Is it merely a coincidence that women's success in the West has coincided with the widespread use of tactics designed to demotivate men? Using an anecdote from my own life -- the Easter egg hunt -- I discuss the PSA (pity, shame, anger) strategy to alter male behavior in the service of female achievement. This is how women get men to lose. Unfortunately, the use of this strategy is ultimately counterproductive for women, as it undermines their social success.

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#psychology #women #success

Episode 506: Winning to lose (what do you hope to gain?)

Mon, 24 Feb 2025 15:00:00 -0800

When it comes to relationships, it's very difficult to secure the relationship terms you would prefer with the person you would prefer to have a relationship with. The more people place the person ahead of the terms -- or the more desirable the person with whom they are attempting to transact -- the more likely they will need to cede their relationship preferences. This is often the cost of doing business. They secure the relationship -- but at what cost? I call this winning to lose. Ultimately, it's important to ask yourself: "what do you hope to gain?"

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 505: Creating a monster (how men ruin their relationships)

Mon, 17 Feb 2025 08:00:00 -0800

After consulting with thousands of men, I've discovered that many of them are complicit in creating the relationship dysfunction of which they complain. By rewarding bad behavior, men unintentionally reinforce their own suffering in a process I call "creating a monster." This is how men ruin their marriages. Alternatively, men would be better off giving in as quickly as possible or holding the line no matter what.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 504: Tests are opportunities (the way of Hercules)

Mon, 10 Feb 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Like it or not, tests are a necessary aspect of life. Rather than considering them burdens or annoyances, it is helpful to understand that tests are opportunities. Consider the way of Hercules: his 12 labors revealed his potential and signaled his excellence, both to others and to himself. And since tests are generally a sign of interest, it is useful to reframe them as a chance to demonstrate your talent and skill. Embracing the way is the path to success and achievement.

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#psychology #success #achievement

Episode 503: When women hedge (the bet determines the payout)

Mon, 03 Feb 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Women often tell me that the reason they aren't interested in securing a long-term relationship in their 20s is because they consider the development of their careers to be a necessary hedge against being left in the lurch further down the road. However, this is actually not a hedge: it is the primary bet. When women hedge they leverage a relationship against the downside of their work -- not the other way around. This isn't necessarily a problem, as long as women understand that the bet determines the payout.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 502: The truth about mental illness (how to live with it)

Mon, 27 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

There are many popular misconceptions about mental illness. It is not very encouraging, but certain issues might not ever go away completely -- even with treatment. However, by treating these conditions like chronic diseases, it's possible for people to live happy, normal lives -- provided they appropriately adapt to the reality of their situation. In today's episode, I discuss the truth about mental illness and how to live with it. Adopting this perspective will facilitate wellness and mental health.

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#psychology #mentalhealth #wellness

Episode 501: Your money's no good here (you cannot buy a relationship long-term)

Fri, 24 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

It is difficult for men -- even very successful men -- to maintain relationships with women. This is not only because everything they have provided no longer matters, but because they eventually run out of things to provide, as well. This is the law of marginal utility applied to relationships, and it explains why you cannot buy a relationship long-term. At a certain point, your money's no good here, and you need to find other ways to keep her emotionally engaged.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 500: Men don't want a challenge (his life is hard enough)

Mon, 20 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Many women believe that a man will not respect them -- or consider them for a long-term relationship -- if she is too "easy" in the courtship process. This is not true. When it comes to their relationships, men don't want a challenge. This is because -- when it comes to the average man -- his life is hard enough. While men might need a chase, they are not looking for a woman to complicate their lives.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 499: Women don't close (what you want doesn't matter)

Fri, 17 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

It's come to my attention that -- when it comes to relationships -- many women are not very good at sealing the deal. This is because women don't close. Like bad salesmen, they tend to lead with what they want, which is unlikely to end with a sale. For better or worse, what you want doesn't matter. Rather, it's a good idea to lead with what the other person wants and frame what you want as a means to that end.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 498: The two paths (how people learn)

Mon, 13 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

Is it possible to attain wisdom without having to learn the hard way? In today's episode, I discuss how people learn by walking the two paths: the path of light and the path of pain. Most people learn most of their lessons on the path of pain, which is a kind of feedback that the models from which our behavior proceeds are not aligned with reality. Fortunately, we can all learn to walk on the path of light by learning from the pain of others.

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#psychology #wisdom #experience

Episode 497: Put her to work (women want to care for you)

Fri, 10 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

I often hear men complaining that they can't find women willing to provide value to their lives. However, in my experience, women want to care for you -- provided you offer a sufficiently attractive relationship opportunity. And one of the best ways for men to determine the extent of this desire is to ask women to do things for them as early in the courtship process as possible. Put her to work: you will either get what you want or force her to reveal her true intentions.

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#psychology #dating #relationships

Episode 496: Where the battle is won (the ten second conflict)

Mon, 06 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

With a new year upon us, many people will be trying to change their behavior in the coming weeks. As we all know, this is not very easy to do. In today's episode, I discuss where the battle is won in order to help facilitate success, namely: in the ten second conflict that generally precedes making an decision. A little discipline goes a long way toward self-improvement, though we can give ourselves an advantage by how we choose to structure our lives.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #discipline

Episode 495: The truth about good relationships (tea over rice)

Fri, 03 Jan 2025 08:00:00 -0800

The truth about good relationships is that good relationships are boring. No one particularly likes to admit this, but that doesn't change the fact of the matter. Good relationships are stable, reliable, predictable, and free of conflict and drama. This is neither particularly interesting nor exciting. In general, one's capacity to have a good relationship is directly correlated with one's ability to tolerate boredom. Using Yasujiro Ozu's metaphor for marriage -- the flavor of tea over rice -- we can appreciate the humble simplicity that characterizes a good relationship.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 494: You are two men (how to accelerate your development)

Mon, 30 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

In today's episode, I discuss a model that has personally helped me to become a better man. For your own progress, it is useful to consider that you are two men: the Worldly Man and the Spiritual Man. While the Worldly Man wants things to be easy, the Spiritual Man needs things to be difficult. In this way, you can always make use of circumstances to facilitate your growth. This is how to accelerate your development as a man.

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#psychology #selfdevelopment #men

Episode 493: Wrestling with the angel (you have to fight for your life)

Fri, 27 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Struggle is necessary to achieve anything of value in this world. This is as true for psychological intangibles as it is for material resources. Wrestling with the angel is necessary to secure a life worth living. In this episode, I discuss how we pay the cost of anything by letting go of what is antithetical to that something. This cannot be cheated. However, expensive though it may be, it is worth it. Ultimately, you have to fight for your life.

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#psychology #value #angel

Episode 492: How to be a better person (the unexpected driver of kindness)

Mon, 23 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Many people want to know how to be a better person. In today's episode, I discuss the implications from one of my favorite psychological studies, which reveals the unexpected driver of kindness. In general, it is those with some measure of prosperity -- of having an abundance of resources above and beyond what they need for their own personal use -- who are most likely to actually be of service to others. Ultimately, one of the best ways to help others is -- paradoxically -- to first help yourself.

Altruism study: https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1973-31215-001

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#psychology #kindness #selfimprovement

Episode 491: A feast of crumbs (how men get used)

Fri, 20 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

In today's episode, I'm going to explain why so many decent guys end up in unsatisfying relationships. These unattractive men represent good provider options for women who can't secure long-term partnerships with their preferred mates. Unaccustomed to any attention from women, these men secure relationships on disadvantageous terms at the slightest signs of interest, which I call "a feast of crumbs." This is how men get used.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 490: You never lose someone all at once (why it takes men so long to get over it)

Mon, 16 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

It often seems as though women process breakups faster than men do. In today's episode, I explain why it takes men so long to get over it. The reality is that you never lose someone all at once. While the structure of a relationship can be dissolved in 30 seconds, the bond that ties people together is only weakened when the individuals in question decide to emotionally invest in other relationships. Men persist in heartbreak longer because they do not adequately grieve their relationships and/or refrain from investing in other women.

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#psychology #breakup #heartbroken

Episode 489: You can't get there the same way twice (success is a moving castle)

Fri, 13 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

My experiences with meditation have taught me that you can't get there the same way twice. This is because success is a moving castle. The same approach will not take you to the same destination, as the destination has since relocated. Consistent achievement depends on the development of mastery, which is the ability to flexibly and competently apply general principles to individual circumstances.

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#psychology #success #meditation

Episode 488: Mother love vs. father love (understanding their strengths and liabilities)

Mon, 09 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

A lot of the issues that people are subject to facing in their adult lives stem from failures in their childhood environments. And in my clinical experience, these issues are somewhat different depending on whether the failure originated in the father or in the mother. In today's episode, I'll be comparing mother love and father love: how they might be distinct from each other and why both are instrumental to the well-being of the child.

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#psychology #mother #father

Episode 487: Test her (how to screen women)

Fri, 06 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

While women have long ago realized the importance of vetting men, most men do not intentionally screen women before entering into sexual relationships with them. This is largely due to poor optionality, which is just happy to be given an opportunity at all. Unfortunately, this significantly increases the likelihood that men will become involved with difficult, damaged, or dangerous women over a long enough timeline. In this episode, I discuss the importance of screening women and provide one concrete way to do this. Don't be afraid to test her.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 486: The beam in your own (you're not working hard enough)

Mon, 02 Dec 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Judging others is never a good look because it functionally communicates that you have nothing better to do -- which is almost certainly not true. When people are focused on their own growth and success, they typically do not have any bandwidth left to critically evaluate others. Entering into the mood of complaint is an invitation to examine the beam in your own eye, which must be removed before attending to others.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #selflove

Episode 485: The two relationships (marriage does not get you love)

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Much of the confusion and frustration around relationships disappears once you understand that every relationship is actually two relationships: the negotiated structure and the emotional bond. Possession of the one does not guarantee the other. For example, marriage does not entitle you to love, and love does not entitle you to marriage. Ideally, you have both at more or less equal intensity. However, if you need to prioritize one over the other, investing in the emotional bond is typically a better idea.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 484: The most effective marriage intervention (get out of the house)

Mon, 25 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Having a place to go and something to do there has saved more marriages than couple's therapy ever will. Men and women were never designed to spend so much time with each other. By removing too many barriers to access, lovers are slowly transformed into roommates. Most couples do not suffer from too much space – but too little.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 483: Holders and sniffers (which one are you?)

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

There is a problem that all couples must confront over the course of their relationship: what should they do with their farts? Some hold them in and others let 'em rip. These two camps constitute two different approaches to the unpleasant realities of self and other: repress them to maintain harmony or express them to promote authenticity. Which approach is undertaken has non-trivial consequences for the future of the relationship.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 482: There is no need to understand (the problem is the problem)

Mon, 18 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Men sometimes believe that understanding the origins of a woman's problematic behavior (e.g., childhood trauma, narcissistic ex) will somehow lessen the impact of that behavior. This is not true. Much like an employer after a lackluster interview, there is no need to understand why the prospective employee did not perform well – and there's certainly no need to extend her a job offer in order to “fix the problem.” Better to simply move on to the next interested applicant.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 481: All women play blackjack (know when to hold 'em)

Fri, 15 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

It's important for young men to understand that all women play blackjack. Like players in the game, women in the sexual marketplace must choose whether to stand (settle) or hit (move on) in their bid to get as close as possible to 21 (an ideal relationship) without busting (the close of their reproductive window). To make this decision, they incorporate information from their hold cards (current relationship) and the dealer's show card (potential mates). A deep understanding of this metaphor will help young men position themselves successfully and refrain from taking the game too seriously.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 480: How to marry a rich, attractive man (how to capture the king)

Mon, 11 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

As discussed in a previous episode, if a man is rich and attractive, he isn't going to be loyal – so this is the hardest man to lock down. That said, even movie stars and world leaders settle down – so it is possible to get them to commit. To do so, however, it is not enough for a woman to be attractive and inoffensive: she must captivate him emotionally, as well. By channeling her inner Scheherazade, a woman can weave a story that can enchant even the most recalcitrant rake. This is how to marry a rich, attractive man.

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#psychology #women #marriage

Episode 479: Understanding men (rich, attractive, or loyal)

Fri, 08 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Ladies: a man can be rich, a man can be attractive, and a man can be loyal. However, you can only get two – max. This is because any one of these attributes is very expensive to cultivate, and no one will pay more than they need to for the same good. As a result, we collectively consider it lucky if a man has even one of these attributes – which makes two exceedingly rare and three overkill. In this episode, I take a look at the three archetypes in turn: the Romeo, the Patron, and the Playboy. Understanding men will improve your chances of getting what you want from them.

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#psychology #men #women

Episode 478: Play is the essence of game (how to effectively seduce anyone)

Mon, 04 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Many people misunderstand game to be a suite of gimmicky tactics or the Machiavellian manipulation of another. While these exist, this is not what game truly is. Game is the ability to effectively seduce, and play is the essence of game. Play is neither frivolous nor silly. It is the ability to create a separate reality that is only accessible to the initiated and in which the objects of play come to assume special significance. This is the heart and soul of seduction, and anyone who can do this well has game.

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#psychology #dating #play

Episode 477: Men's romantic fantasy (why men get married)

Fri, 01 Nov 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Though it may seem hard to believe, men's predominant romantic fantasy – at least when it comes to their sexual relationships with women – is partnership. Despite what they may say, most women don't want an equal partner – they want men who will significantly improve the quality of their lives. And it is very difficult – if not impossible – for a man to simultaneously be an equal partner and a better option. While partnership is possible, it's typically easier for most men to have that kind of relationship with other men than with a woman.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 476: The three phases of relationships (success's reward is more work)

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Whether it lasts for an evening for a lifetime, all relationships progress through three distinct phases: attraction, negotiation, and maintenance. However, it's wrong to believe that these phases have distinct boundaries between them. In point of fact, a phase is never terminated once it has been initiated in the course of a relationship. This means that much of the third phase is devoted to maintaining attraction and managing frame.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 475: Make her work for it (don't just hand it over)

Fri, 25 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

One of the reasons by women disproportionately end relationships is that they don't have to work for the relationships they have. Whereas most women make men work for sex, most men do not make women work for commitment: they hand it to them on a silver platter lest they jeopardize the sexual opportunity. Like many things in life, it's easy come, easy go. If you want a woman to fight for her relationship, then you have to make her work for it.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 474: Some problems are their best solutions (don't make things worse)

Mon, 21 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

While it may be disappointing to accept, many problems are their best solutions. This means that the process of solving that problem will create more problems that are even more problematic than the problem the process initially intended to solve. Accepting this reality will not only help you remain patient and compassionate with others (and yourself), it will also make you more cautious about fiddling with things you may not know much about.

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#psychology #patience #wisdom

Episode 473: Why beautiful women are nuts (a co-created problem)

Fri, 18 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Why is it the case that physical attractiveness and mental instability so often seem to go together in women? The answer is simple: no one tells beautiful women the truth. Since most men want to sleep with beautiful women, and the truth does not get men laid, men will consistently sacrifice the truth in the service of their sexual self-interest. As a result, these women often develop a model of reality that can be very misaligned with the way things really are. This is why beautiful women are nuts.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 472: Why successful men are jerks (no one wants to do the laundry)

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Why is it the case that success and selfishness so often seem to go together in men? The answer is simple: men don't really want to romance women. When they are unable to provide the lifestyle and provision for which women typically select, men adopt romantic consideration as a kind of virtuous necessity in the service of their goals. However, once they become successful, they believe that they should be able to dispense with the courtship drudgery they never wanted to do in the first place. This is why successful men are jerks.

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#psychology #dating #men

Episode 471: The lens of attraction (why you can't do anything right)

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

This might be my most important concept for men to understand: the lens of attraction. More than anything else, it helps to explain why success with women isn't about doing the “right” things. The exact same woman can perceive the exact same behavior in two wildly disparate ways as a consequence of her attraction levels. Keep her attraction high and you will do no wrong; let it drop and you won't be able to do anything right.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 470: Being right doesn't matter (winning the battle to lose the war)

Mon, 07 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Men can do nothing wrong – they can be completely right – and they can still encounter conflict and difficulty with their women. This is because being right doesn't matter – or, at least, it doesn't matter nearly as much as many men would like to believe it does. By understanding the relationship between games and the meta-games in which they are embedded, men can learn be more effective in their dealings with women. Learn to pet the cat – or risk getting scratched.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 469: Sexless marriage (a breach of contract)

Fri, 04 Oct 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Sexless marriage is a depressingly common phenomenon and not one that is well understood. My take is fairly unconventional, namely: refusing to have sex in an exclusive, monogamous relationship by unilateral decision is a form of cheating. This is because the “mono” in “monogamy” mean “one.” So cheating in monogamous relationships occurs when someone isn't having sex with one person – and fewer than one person is as much not one person as more than one person is. In this episode, I unpack some of the consequences of this understanding.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 468: A PhD in men (how to get what you want from a man)

Mon, 30 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

This is an episode for the ladies. Women: if you're single, and you don't want to be, you may want to consider going back to school. I don't mean graduate school. I mean investing time, energy, and money into learning what makes men tick. Time to earn a PhD in men. In the absence of real understanding, women's only recourse is to the cliches and banalities that will just get them more of the same. Knowledge is power.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 467: The coin of the realm (give people what they want)

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

My book, “The Value of Others,” begins and ends with a parable. Many have asked me about the significance of the parable in the epilogue, which relates an episode from the life of Jesus. In applying this parable to sexual relationships, we can understand the importance of using the coin of the realm. Render unto Caesar what is Caesar's. When men pay women in women's currency, and women pay men in men's currency, relationships are ordered and prosperous. I discuss further in this episode.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 466: A horse in the rain (how to pass through suffering)

Mon, 23 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Much of my work is devoted to reducing unnecessary suffering. However, not all suffering is unnecessary. So what is the appropriate response to the necessary and unavoidable suffering that we must all experience at some points in our lives? The answer comes through observing a horse in the rain – who does nothing to make his situation any worse than it already is. When we stop fighting our circumstances internally, we are more likely to recognize – and seize – opportunities to escape, if and when they present themselves.

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#psychology #mentalhealth #resilience

Episode 465: The cherry on top (women are luxury goods)

Fri, 20 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

A client who believed that the juice isn't worth the squeeze once asked me what I personally get out of my relationships with women. This episode functionally summarizes my response, namely: a woman is the cherry on top. Strictly speaking, a cherry isn't necessary for a sundae – but it can help to perfect one. Making peace with the fact that modern women – like maraschino cherries – are luxury goods will help men withhold unreasonable expectations about what they can (and cannot) provide.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 464: Dating off the beaten path (what to do if you are unconventional)

Mon, 16 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Dating as an unconventional person can be extremely demoralizing. Genuine connection is rare, and you may feel as though you need to repress your originality in order to achieve some measure of success. To secure relationships, conventional people should go where the masses congregate. However, unconventional people should get as far away from the crowds as possible. They will need to date off the beaten path. This can be scary (and counterintuitive) but it works.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 463: The privilege of losing (paying the cost of winning)

Fri, 13 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Many people have not yet achieved the success they desire because they have not yet been willing to pay the costs of winning. One of these costs is surrendering the privilege of losing. This may sound counterintuitive at first blush -- "privilege" is good, "losing" is bad -- but it turns out that there are many benefits to losing that people are loath to forgo. I discuss a number of these privileges in this episode.

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#psychology #success #win

Episode 462: Dating after 50 (challenges and opportunities)

Mon, 09 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

In a much requested episode, I approach the landscape of dating after 50. After accepting the fact that everyone in this demographic has been wounded in some way, we can consider the challenge (and opportunity) of dating in this phase of life, namely: needlessness. Most people in this demographic aren't looking for marriage or kids or lifestyle. They don't need much from a prospective partner: just a genuine emotional connection. And I discuss how this is both good news and bad news.

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#psychology #dating #divorce

Episode 461: Write your own invitation (how to make friends as an adult man)

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

If you want an in with a specific group or individual, you cannot wait for an invitation to arrive. You need to write your own invitation. And you do this by cultivating enough of what the individual or group in question values that you can no longer be ignored. This is also the secret to building new friendships as an adult man. I discuss what this might look like through my experience creating PsycHacks.

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#psychology #success #friends

Episode 460: Don't fight to keep people (you lose when you win)

Mon, 02 Sep 2024 08:00:00 -0700

It's never a good idea to fight to keep people in your life, or (to put it another way) to stop people from leaving the relationship. This is not only because it rarely works, but because -- when it does work -- you end up with something that isn't worth fighting for: a high-conflict and unstable relationship. If someone tries to walk out of your life, let them. Don't chase them down. Anyone who walks out must decide to walk back in.

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#psychology #relationship #family

Episode 459: Saying the quiet part loud (emperors must wear clothes)

Fri, 30 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

One of the principal rules governing relationships of all kinds is that the core transaction at the heart of that particular relationship should never be explicitly discussed. And though this rule gives rise to a good deal of indirectness, foolishness, and deceit, it's probably not going anywhere anytime soon, as it protects the dignity of the individuals involved. In today's episode, I discuss how this rule plays out in professional relationships before moving on to sexual relationships.

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#psychology #relationship #professional

Episode 458: Why dating advice is terrible (half right is all wrong)

Mon, 26 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The vast majority of dating advice isn't worth the paper it's printed on. This is because it tends to describe how we would like dating to be or how we believe dating should be. However, even the best only get it half right. The fact of the matter is that dating is subject to both economic and psychological forces, and emphasizing one without the other leaves people bewildered and hopeless. I discuss how this tends to play out in today's episode.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 457: How to lead your woman (lessons from the front)

Fri, 23 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Sexual relationships between men and women tend to thrive when the man is, confidently and respectfully, leading the relationship. However, it can be difficult for modern women to follow for a variety of reasons. In this episode, I teach men how to lead their women using principles exhibited by successful military commanders. By leading from the front and deeply understanding those under their command, good leaders can significantly reduce the likelihood they they will not be obeyed.

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#psychology #leadership #women

Episode 456: Why people can't find love (understanding what you're searching for)

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Love is one of the most abundant resources in the universe. So why do so many people struggle to find it? Simple: they don't understand what they're searching for, and they look for it in the wrong places. Most people don't want to love as much as they want the gratification of being loved -- which is why they look for love in other people. I discuss further in this episode.

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#love #psychology #relationship

Episode 455: How to date without going crazy (walking the razor's edge)

Fri, 16 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Modern dating can be a frustrating, disappointing, and crazy-making experience. In this episode, I share my trick for participating in the sexual marketplace without succumbing to rage or despair: high hopes and low expectations. The idea is to enter into the timeless present and surrender the realization of the smallest next possible step. This also increases your attractiveness by showing up as present and engaged. It takes some practice, but it's worth doing.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 454: You always break your own heart (the death of a dream)

Mon, 12 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Heartbreak is one of the most painful experiences a person can pass through -- but why might this be the case? After all, anything that actually transpired in the relationship is secure in the past and can't ever be taken from you. What makes a breakup painful is the death of a dream: the loss of a preferred future. This is why you always break your own heart, and why you must always put it back together again.

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#psychology #love #heartbroken

Episode 453: Making women feel right is a business (telling people what they want to hear pays well)

Fri, 09 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

While making men angry might be a business online, it is dwarfed in size and scope by the business of making women feel right. By validating women's emotions and reflecting back to them what they already believe to be true, certain content creators are paid handsomely for helping women feel as though the sources of their relationship problems lie elsewhere. However, if a woman has yet to secure the relationship she would prefer, she must eventually consider the common denominator in all of her past experiences: herself.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 452: The old man at the club (how to deal with aging out)

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

When I speak with men in their 30s, I often hear them speak of their concern about being "the old man at the club." They're aging out of their old haunts, and (consequently) believe that it must be time to settle down. However, this isn't necessarily the case. After all, it depends on the club to which they're referring. Is it the nightclub or the country club? In this episode, I discuss the importance on finding your scene as a man: as you age out of one, you typically age into another.

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#psychology #men #success

Episode 451: The secret of a successful relationship (get your needs met elsewhere)

Fri, 02 Aug 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The secret of a successful relationship is somewhat counterintuitive: want less from your partner. After relating an anecdote in which I learned this secret, I discuss the importance of getting any need that can be satisfied outside of a sexual relationship met elsewhere. This significantly lowers the burden you place on your partner, and increases the likelihood that the relationship will play to its strengths.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 450: How men get suckered into fighting with women (why shouldn't you have to deal with it?)

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Most men have no interest in fighting with their partners. So why does it end up happening? In this video, I discuss how women can spring a trap inside the minds of men, and how men can inadvertently sow the seeds of discord in their relationships. Of course, I also provide strategies for disarming this process and cultivating harmony.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 449: Why buy the cow? (how to give good milk)

Fri, 26 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

"Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" refers to men's observed hesitancy to provide additional resources or commitment to women who are already providing them with sex. However, this bon mot is no longer relevant in the contemporary sexual marketplace. This is because the statement assumes a marketplace in which milk is generally sold -- not one in which it is freely distributed. In this episode, I update this rhetorical question for the modern day.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 448: The problem with self-respect (most hills are not worth dying on)

Mon, 22 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

People often consider self-respect to be a unilateral positive that has no downside. However, this isn't true. The problem with self-respect is that it is costly. Using Linehan's model of interpersonal effectiveness, I explain why standing up for yourself can often lead to sub-optimal outcomes. This goal should only be prioritized sparingly to ensure objective effectiveness and harmonious relationships.

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#psychology #relationship #success

Episode 447: Why dating apps are making it harder to date (the perception of supply and demand)

Fri, 19 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Despite the development of several technologies to facilitate the experience, dating seems more challenging and confusing than ever. In point of fact, dating apps are making it harder to date -- though why this might be the case is a little counterintuitive. In this episode, which is based on an except of my book, I explain why fewer sexual relationships are being transacted in the age of dating apps using the concept of perceived supply and demand.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 446: Choosing between two women (it is not always an either/or)

Mon, 15 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

I've been conducting a lot of consultations with men recently who are the horns of a dilemma, namely: they feel the need to choose between two women for a relationship. In every instance, they fall prey to the cognitive trap of comparing the women in question against each other. In this episode, I explain why this tends to leads to sub-optimal outcomes and how to approach this "good" problem more effectively.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 445: You get what you pay for (the higher the prices, the better the service)

Fri, 12 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

This is the third part in my three-part series on why successful men use escorts. Just like in the commercial marketplace, you typically get what you pay for in the sexual marketplace, as well. In this episode, I respond to the most common objections to the use of escorts, in particular, and to transactional relationships, in general. This should help women better position themselves to effectively target successful men for relationships, if they so choose.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 444: The $50,000 beer (why dating is so expensive for successful men)

Mon, 08 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

This is the second part in my three-part series on why successful men use escorts. Much like exceptionally beautiful women, very successful men are priced out of the sexual marketplace as traditional dating becomes increasingly expensive for them. The $50,000 beer exemplifies how opportunity cost can influence behavior among these populations to a greater extent than can intrinsic personality factors. Differences between scarcity and abundance mentality are also discussed.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 443: Why successful men use escort (what the rich and the beautiful have in common)

Fri, 05 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

This is the first episode of a three-part series on why successful men use escorts. It turns out that the rich and the beautiful have something in common when it comes to the game of mating and dating: they can both inadvertently price themselves out of the sexual marketplace. By understanding how traditional dating becomes increasingly expensive as a function of a man's success, women can better position themselves to target successful men for relationships, if they so choose.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 442: Women are a roll of the dice (the fundamental rule of gambling)

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Not matter the amount of due diligence a man conducts in the courtship process, women will always remain a role of the dice. So it's important to approach relationships like one would approach gambling. And the fundamental rule of gambling is never to bet with more than you can afford to lose. This is essential to keep in mind when dealing with women not only because all relationships eventually end but because they typically don't end equally. Over a long enough time line, the house always wins. Smart gamblers prepare against this eventuality.

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#dating #marriage #women

Episode 441: The standoff between men and women (how to sell a burning house)

Fri, 28 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The contemporary sexual marketplace is witnessing a Mexican standoff between men and women. Women want men to "do better," and men want women to be reasonable. Both sides are increasingly comfortable remaining single until their demands are met. In this episode, I discuss the way out of this standoff by examining how the power differential between men and women changes as a function of time. If your house is on fire, then you need to be a motivated seller.

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#dating #men #women

Episode 440: Never meet halfway (understanding what a date is)

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

My definition of a date is that it's connection plus sexual possibility. You need both for a date to be a date. Otherwise, you're dealing with a hookup (on the one hand) or an interview (on the other). And this is why the date is God's perfect creation: when it does well, both parties get what they want. As a result, it's never a good idea to meet halfway on a date, as it severely limits the logistical reality of the sexual possibility. This also sets up the likelihood that the relationship will prioritize the woman's interests and preferences over the man's. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 439: Women have to allow themselves to be used (be used or be ornamental)

Fri, 21 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Given the state of modern courtship, in which sex precedes commitment, many women are concerned about "being used" in the dating process. Unfortunately, there is no way around this. Just like most men have to expose themselves to potentially being used for their resources to secure a relationship, most women have to allow themselves to run the risk of being used sexually to get the same. The alternative to being used is being ornamental, which (for better or worse) is not a viable option for most women. That said, in this episode, I discuss how to reduce the likelihood of poor dating outcomes for women in light of this reality.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 438: Mission accomplished (my commitment has been fulfilled)

Mon, 17 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

When I started this channel, I made a commitment to myself that I would publish content regularly for three years before I allowed myself to evaluate whether I would continue with the project. Today my commitment to myself has been fulfilled. In this episode, I talk about my process and some of the tools that helped me stay disciplined in the absence of any positive reinforcement. I also briefly discuss the path ahead.

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#psychology #success #determination

Episode 437: In a good relationship, the transaction is invisible (no one notices when it's working)

Fri, 14 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The fundamental premise of my forthcoming book, "The Value of Others," is that relationships are the media in which value is transacted. Some people balk at this definition because it runs counter to the felt experience of their own relationships. However, this could be due to the fact that their relationships are functional. In a good relationship, the transaction is invisible. It's generally only when things get out of balance that this tacit arrangement is brought into the light.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 436: Many women are construction workers (it's a young person's job)

Mon, 10 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

A certain class of woman is both highly attractive to (and potentially dangerous for) many men, namely: the woman without a life of her own. In this episode, I argue that these women are like construction workers: they're potentially one setback away from a forced retirement without a backup plan. As a result, they will typically be very pushy for commitment (and very contentious in separation).

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 435: Romance is a game of hide-and-seek (remembering that you're already whole)

Fri, 07 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The fundamental game at the heart of romance is hide-and-seek. Romantics cut out a part of themselves, hide that part in someone of their choosing, and then forget about the cutting and the hiding and the choosing. This process imbues love with the possibility of mythic alchemy: the completion of the self in union with the other. However, romantics have always ever already been whole. Unfortunately, remembering this makes it harder to keep playing the game.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 434: How to deal with perfectionism (exposing its inner workings)

Mon, 03 Jun 2024 08:00:00 -0700

I consider myself a perfectionist in recovery. In this episode, I discuss some of the realizations I had that helped me overcome this debilitating habit many years ago. By understanding why (and how) I was selectively attending to certain aspects of my work and life (and not others), I was able to see the absurdity at the heart of my perfectionism, which substantially affected my willingness to maintain the habit.

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#psychology #perfect #success

Episode 433: How women make it difficult to love them (make it easy to get what you want)

Fri, 31 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Among other things, successful businesses make it easy for their customers to hand over their money. Introducing unnecessary steps into the sales funnel only decreases revenue and customer satisfaction. The same holds true with successful women: they make it easy for their men to love them. Introducing unnecessary steps into the love funnel only decreases affection and relationship satisfaction. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 432: Strike when the iron is cold (the importance of waiting for your moment)

Mon, 27 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

I haven't had a single headed argument with anyone since adopting this tactic years ago. Contrary to popular belief, the most appropriate time to bring up certain issues may not be when they feel most emotionally salient. By striking when the iron is cold, people can increase the likelihood of being heard and bypassing defensiveness. In this episode, I discuss the importance of waiting for your moment.

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#psychology #relationship #love

Episode 431: Never punish people for doing what you want (the power of shaping)

Fri, 24 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

If someone is actually willing to make the effort to do what you want, then under no circumstances should you ever punish them for doing so. It is a much better idea to focus on the parts that they are doing right than to emphasize the (potentially many) parts that they are still doing wrong. By rewarding successive approximations to the target behavior, you can leverage the power of shaping. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 430: Every woman is two women (exploring the wild west)

Mon, 20 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Every woman is (at least) two women: the public-facing persona that she shows the world, and the bedroom persona that she shows her lover. Treating the one like the other is likely to result in complaints and hurt feelings. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to glean reliable information about the bedroom persona by observing the public-facing persona, which complicates dating for both men and women. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 429: Being famous is like being a woman (musings on a haircut)

Fri, 17 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Though I'm not particularly famous, I have noticed a number of changes in how people treat me since my channel became popular nearly a year ago. And these changes have overwhelmingly been positive: many men and women now go out of their way to show their appreciation and respect. However, this has taken some getting used to, since -- as I explain in this episode -- this is the first time in my adult life that people I don't know have shown me kindness. Ultimately, I conclude that being famous is like being a woman.

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#psychology #success #selfimprovement

Episode 428: The court does not deal in trifles (most things aren't worth your time)

Mon, 13 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

One of the reasons the Supreme Court can give for deciding not to hear a particular case is that "the court does not deal in trifles. Prioritizing the insignificant above the truly important is not only wasteful, it is disrespectful. Liberally granting your time and attention is like printing more money: the subsequent inflation only serves to devalue the circulating currency. This means that it is essential to learn how to say "no."

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#psychology #selfimprovement #success

Episode 427: How to drop a handkerchief (women initiate relationships)

Fri, 10 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Women must take an increasingly active approach to dating as they age. They do this by reclaiming their power to initiate interactions with men. By "dropping a handkerchief," women signal that they would be amenable to an overture, which significantly alters the risk-reward profile of a cold approach. In this episode, I discuss one way women can do this: the "come hither stare."

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#dating #relationship #women

Episode 426: The business of suffering (every solution needs a problem)

Mon, 06 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

In this second episode of a two-part series, I discuss the economic incentives driving the West's epidemic of mental illness. Given certain regulatory requirements, it is generally easier for drug companies to receive FDA approval if their products treat disorders that do not already have a treatment of demonstrated efficacy. This motivates the proliferation of new disorders and an ever-widening definition of pathology. By definition, more and more people become mentally ill, who will be offered treatments that have already been created for them.

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#psychology #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness

Episode 425: The source of the problem (what people fail to understand about mental illness)

Fri, 03 May 2024 08:00:00 -0700

In this first episode of a two-part series, I discuss some of the uncomfortable realities about the West's epidemic of mental illness. First and foremost, it's important to understand the concept of reification, which is the process by which something that isn't really a thing becomes a thing in individual perception. Through reification, a constellation of symptoms becomes a mental disorder, and the sufferer of those symptoms is placed at further remove from individual responsibility.

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#psychology #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness

Episode 424: The gift of nothingness (seeing the everyday miracle)

Mon, 29 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The common definition of a miracle is an event that shouldn't be possible given our understanding of physical reality. As such, the standard of comparison is the "normal" functioning of reality, which is considered "non-miraculous" by definition. However, if the standard of comparison were shifted to the no-thingness of pre-creation, then everything -- down to the most insignificant and commonplace details of life -- becomes miraculous. This is because there is nothing in nothing that could presume the existence of anything.

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#psychology #meditation #spirituality

Episode 423: Limitations make you better (figure out your batman rules)

Fri, 26 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

No one likes the idea of being restricted. However, limitations benefit you in several substantive ways. In the first place, they help prevent your life from going off the rails when you finally attain the success for which you have been striving. And in the second place, they force you to become better than you are to compensate for the self-imposed handicap. These are your "batman rules." I discuss more in today's episode.

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#psychology #selfcare #selfdevelopment

Episode 422: The trap of understanding (considerations are concessions)

Mon, 22 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The idea that mutual understanding naturally leads to the cessation of conflict is erroneous. While understanding may help people respond to others with greater patience and compassion, it does little to change the original needs and desires that demand understanding. Those who seek to be understood are asking for a concession: they want others to change because they believe they can't (or won't) do so themselves.

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#psychology #selfimprovement #selfcare

Episode 421: Why men get married (it's not about you)

Fri, 19 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Men don't approach marriage the same way that women do. Given the enormous risk and responsibility entailed, most men will only consider the possibility of marriage when everything in their life is working. This means that they have arrived at some measure of professional success and financial security, and that there are no significant problems in their relationships. In order to get married, it's much more important that women be unproblematic than highly desirable.

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#marriage #relationship #men

Episode 420: Women over 30 (the game isn't over yet)

Mon, 15 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

I've spoken to a number of women recently who were inappropriately pessimistic about their chances of getting married, simply due to their age. While it's true that women operate under an increasing disadvantage in the sexual marketplace in their 30s, that doesn't mean they can't still win. They just need to change their strategy. In this episode, I discuss further.

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#dating #relationship #women

Episode 419: The marriage ultimatum (it's not personal, just business)

Fri, 12 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

I've consulted many men who were recently given the marriage ultimatum by their girlfriends, and who were legitimately conflicted about how to proceed. In this episode, I explain how getting more of what one wants is inversely related to both men and women's use of pressure in relationships. In particular, I note that any woman who gives this ultimatum is confessing that she loves what she wants more than she loves you. It's not personal, it's just business.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 418: How to not be part of the problem (your anger isn't helping)

Mon, 08 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

It very easy to get upset at the state of the world today. However, I'm here to tell you -- in no uncertain terms -- that the last thing the world needs right now is another angry person. Apparently, we have collectively forgotten that it isn't necessary to have an opinion about everything. In fact, until you've sufficiently examined something, it's ethically imperative that you defer judgment. In this episode, I discuss a psychological tool for doing just that: the cognitive shelf.

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#psychology #angry #peace

Episode 417: You don't need money to get women (the three things that work)

Fri, 05 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

In today's episode, I expose that old attraction proxy: money. Many men erroneously believe that they need money in order to access women, and that simply having money will attract women to them. Neither of these is true. On the other hand, there are three things that actually do work to attract women -- and none of them cost you a dime.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 416: Responding to my female critics (the importance of intentional sexuality)

Mon, 01 Apr 2024 08:00:00 -0700

While the overwhelming majority of my feedback has been positive, a small contingent of (mostly female) viewers has proven quite negative. And the overwhelming majority of that negativity is in response to some of my advice on how "to hook" a man. In this episode, I respond to that criticism and emphasize the importance of using sexuality intentionally and strategically.

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#women #dating #relationship

Episode 415: How to be confident without success (be your own prophet)

Fri, 29 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

If people need success in order to feel confident, and if confidence makes success much more likely, then how does anyone get confident to begin with? We all have to start somewhere, and the world doesn't wait until we're ready. In this episode, I share a mental hack to facilitate confident action before you have "a stack of proof." @AlexHormozi

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#psychology #confidence #success

Episode 414: Women do the right things with the wrong men (the good times-to-hassle ratio)

Mon, 25 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Women often complain that the men they're not really interested in always seem to come back, while the men they'd really like to have relationships with never seem to reciprocate their feelings. This is because women do the right things with the wrong men. In this episode, I'll discuss how this influences the good times-to-hassle ratio that is instrumentally related to which women men decide to pursue.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 413: Men do the right things with the wrong women (the importance of a system)

Fri, 22 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Men often complain that it's always the women they don't particularly like who seem to pursue them for relationships, while the women they want to engage always seem to slip through their fingers. This is because men do the right things with the wrong women. In this episode, I'll discuss a number of ways this occurs in the courtship process, while providing a general prescription for this difficulty.

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#psychology #dating #men

Episode 412: The price of living your own life (lack of understanding is a test of your character)

Mon, 18 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

The fact of the matter is that the conventional roadmap provided by culture isn't going to work for a lot of people. If you want a custom-tailored life, you have to be prepared to build it for yourself. The issue is that the more you deviate from the well-trodden path, the less you will be comprehensible to those around you. This means that the cost of living your own life is the approval of others. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #relationship #selfimprovement

Episode 411: Why some people get so upset with my content (responding to haters)

Fri, 15 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

While the overwhelming response to my channel has been exceptionally positive, a small proportion of the feedback I receive is extremely negative. And this feedback invariably concerns my views on intrasexual dynamics. This doesn't necessarily bother me, but it is an interesting phenomenon. In this episode, I attempt to explain why this particular content can be such a bitter pill for some people to swallow. Most people are not very self-aware.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 410: How to handle relationship jealousy (act like the king that you are)

Mon, 11 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0700

Jealousy is like a powerful spice: just a little bit can make your food more interesting, but any more than that will probably ruin the dish. So it's a good idea to learn how to handle the experience of jealousy so as not to create unnecessary problems in your relationship. The key is to understand that jealousy functionally communicates the perception of a legitimate threat -- which can create unintended consequences if expressed. The antidote is to remember your position and to act like the king that you are. I explain what this means in today's episode.

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#psychology #dating #marriage

Episode 409: What people fail to understand about depression (your life could be better)

Fri, 08 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0800

"The serotonin theory of depression: a systematic umbrella review of the evidence": https://www.nature.com/articles/s41380-022-01661-0

Depression is one of the most prevalent mental illnesses on the planet. Unfortunately, most people misunderstand it. They believe that it exists solely between the ears of the individual in question. This gives rise to the "intrapsychic fallacy", which maintains that depression is either in the brain (the monoamine hypothesis) or the mind (the cognitive hypothesis). However, if this were true, then the interventions designed to address the brain and the mind should have better outcomes. I present an alternative model in this episode.

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#psychology #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness

Episode 408: How to keep a woman (the past is prologue)

Mon, 04 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0800

If you're a man considering going down the path of marriage and children, it is essential that you learn how to maintain a woman's long-term commitment. This is because the more you invest in any one woman, the more leveraged you are and the riskier that relationship becomes, especially in contemporary society. The key to maintaining that commitment is to understand that everything you've ever done for a woman is irrelevant. I explain more in this episode.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 407: How to keep your cool with women (the sandwich strategy)

Fri, 01 Mar 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Learning how to keep your cool when women become difficult or provocative is an emotional survival strategy. Failing to master this skill is an invitation to hardship and regret. The strategy is simple: no matter what woman you're dealing with, and no matter what a woman tells you, to the extent that she becomes emotional, you need to mentally create a verbal sandwich around her words. I'll demonstrate what this looks like in today's episode.

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 406: Body count and sexual jealousy (moving beyond the number)

Mon, 26 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

The number of a woman's previous sexual partners is often of interest to the men she dates. However, it's not immediately apparent why that should be the case. I argue that the sheer number might not be as important as many men believe, as this is actually being used as a heuristic to gauge other attributes of the woman in question, namely: her attraction and her ability to pair bond. I also discuss a surprising way in which a woman's sexual history comes to bear on relationship longevity.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 405: How to save your mind (learn what no one teaches you)

Fri, 23 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Because of the way human beings develop, people only truly gain the capacity for critical, independent thought when they're 25 years-old. Unfortunately, by the time people reach this age, their minds are so full of nonsense that they could literally spend the rest of their lives sifting through the concepts, beliefs, and ideas that were functionally put there without their consent. And -- if you want to be an actual individual -- this is precisely what you have to do. In this episode, I'll discuss what this process looks like and why it is indispensable to becoming yourself.

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#psychology #mindset #selfcare

Episode 404: What to do if you're bored in a relationship (the sure-fire trick that always works)

Mon, 19 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

The causal agent of relationship boredom is always the same. At some point -- and for whatever reason -- the two of you stopped telling each other the truth. I guarantee that if you start telling the truth in your relationship, you won't be bored for very much longer. So why does this happen? It turns out most people don't really want to know the truth -- and that's generally not why they entered into the relationship anyway. This is because telling the truth almost always disrupts the status quo, which is often uncomfortable, inconvenient, and painful.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Episode 403: Virtue only makes you good (but it is still worth cultivating)

Fri, 16 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Many folks start out on the path of virtue when they're young, but get sidelined into worldly pursuits by middle age. Why is this so common? In my opinion, this phenomenon is due to the fact that many people inappropriately expect more of virtue than it can deliver. Virtue only makes you good. Expecting wealth or beauty or status or sex or success or health simply because you are virtuous is foolish. However, I believe that virtue is still worth cultivating for two reasons, as I discuss in this episode.

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#psychology #success #good

Deep Dive 008: Dr. Robert Glover (authenticity, attraction, and nice guy syndrome)

Wed, 14 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

I was very happy to be able to sit down with Dr. Robert Glover ("No More Mr. Nice Guy") for a long chat the other day. When he wasn't cracking me up with his off-color honesty, we touched on a number of topics in our collective wheelhouse, including: love, attraction, authenticity, and men's need for a "tribe". My sexy grumble is my throat recovering from the flu. Enjoy.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 402: Politics and sexual withholding (why it doesn't work)

Mon, 12 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Throughout my dating history, I've been punished many times with sexual withholding for not endorsing a woman's beliefs. I call this the "Lysistrata Protocol", as it is inspired by the behavior of the Greek women in Aristophanes's play of the same name. However, while the women were successful in changing society on stage, this tactic is self-defeating in an open and diverse sexual marketplace. In this episode, I explain why.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 401: Listen to yourself (you likely already know the answer)

Fri, 09 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

At this stage of my career, I conduct consultations with men from all walks of life from all over the world. One of the most frequent reasons men book my time is to receive an objective, third-party gut check on their relationships: should they continue to invest or cut their losses? After only a few minutes, it often becomes clear that these men already know the answer to their question -- though they may not want to face the consequences it entails. It's important for men to listen to themselves. If your story was coming out a friend's mouth, how would you respond?

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#psychology #relationship #men

Episode 400: Why men make more than women (understanding the gender pay gap)

Mon, 05 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

If you're like me, you grew up hearing (over and over again) that women earn 82 cents for every dollar earned by a man. However, it turns out that this is a third-grade statistic coupled with an equally elementary interpretation. When the analysis is appropriately controlled, the pay gap between the sexes shrinks in insignificance. That said, men still continue to earn more than women in both absolute and relative terms. In this episode, I will discuss why this will always be the case.

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#psychology #money #relationship

Episode 399: What should I do with my life? (why you can't think it out)

Fri, 02 Feb 2024 08:00:00 -0800

I've worked with hundreds of young men, many of whom are paralyzed with the prospect of answering the titular question: "what should I do with my life?" This is obviously an important inquiry; however, most have never been taught how to go about arriving at an answer. This often means that they will spend months -- if not years -- thinking through a solution through a process I can "chessing." Unfortunately, this effort is entirely wasted, as the only way to answer this question is by taking action in the world.

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#psychology #men #life

Episode 398: How women train men to be angry (don’t reward what you don’t want)

Mon, 29 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Most women find male anger terrifying -- which is why it is both tragic and ironic that they often play a part in encouraging it in their primary relationships. In effect, women inadvertently train men to be angry when they ignore, disrespect, or invalidate men who first attempt to communicate non-aggressively. If women only take men's complaints seriously when they escalate to aggression, then they reward men for aggressiveness, making it more likely that aggression will be utilized in the future. I discuss this phenomenon using an example from my own dating history.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 397: How women disrespect men without realizing it (bursting the bubble)

Fri, 26 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

This is the second installment of my two-part series on unintentional disrespect. The intention is to help prevent women from sabotaging the relationships they want with the men they want to have them with. In this episode, I identify two other ways in which women place themselves above men with their words and behavior, thereby enacting an assumed superiority. I also suggest that men are more sensitive to cues of disrespect given their relative preference for hierarchical arrangements and their lack of social protections.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 396: How women disrespect men without realizing it (understanding power)

Mon, 22 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

This is an episode for the ladies. As I've mentioned elsewhere, the one thing you must never do to the man with whom you want to have a relationship is disrespect him. Unfortunately, respect can mean different things to men and women -- so it's important for women to appreciate respect through the masculine lens so that they can stay on the sunny side of the unbreakable rule. The fact of the matter is that women unintentionally sabotage their relationships when they disrespect men without realizing it. As we'll see, most of these unintentional slights have to do with placing themselves above men.

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#psychology #wommen #relationship

Episode 395: Hire slow, fire fast (understanding the selection process)

Fri, 19 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

One of the tenets of corporate human resources is to hire slow and fire fast. In today's episode, I'll discuss how the same advice holds true when vetting a woman for a relationship. Hiring slow means that you resist the urge to emotionally invest in a woman until you've collected many different data points across a significant time horizon. On the other hand, firing fast means that you terminate the relationship (or silo into a casual affair) at the first signs of trouble. Both steps are facilitated by having a large applicant pool.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Deep Dive 007: Shawn T. Smith

Wed, 17 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Gatekeeper: https://www.amazon.com/Gatekeeper-Tactical-Commitment-Shawn-Smith/dp/0990686469

I'm very excited to have Dr. Shawn T. Smith ("The tactical guide to women") back on the show. After briefly discussing his newest book ("Gatekeeper") and why it is important for men to appropriately vet their relationships with women (over and above the women, themselves), we discuss a number of questions culled directly from the PsycHacks community. I hope you enjoy the conversation as much as I did.

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#psychology #relationship #men

Episode 394: The servant takes the money (the double-edge of hypergamy)

Mon, 15 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Because of their hypergamous tendencies, women generally mate and date for gain -- and they typically have no qualms about passing over men who are not in a position to provide benefit. However, in every culture on the planet, it is the servant who takes the money. The servant is the one who is paid. One of the most over-looked consequences of hypergamy is the creation of a relational indebtedness that was historically discharged in domestic service. This does not interest most modern women; however, they are also not interested in disabusing themselves of their hypergamous tendencies. As might be expected, this creates problems in the economy of the sexual marketplace.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Episode 393: Overpaying is the cost of winning (why getting what you want is disappointing)

Fri, 12 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

Whether we like it or not, life -- in its particulars -- is often a zero-sum game. In order to get what you want, it is often the case that no one else can have it. And getting what you want typically involves winning out against your competition. As a general rule, overpaying is the cost of winning: you will need to give more than anyone else in order to secure the desired good. One of the unintended consequences of this is that getting what you want tends to be disappointing. This is because -- in order to win any particular good -- you likely had to pay more than that good was worth.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Episode 392: Women’s greatest enemy (overcoming pride)

Mon, 08 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

The one thing that most prevents women from having the relationships they want with the men they want to have them with is pride. In this episode, I discuss three ways in which this pride tends to manifest in the game of mating and dating: in misappraising their value, in disparaging male attraction, and in deprecating the domestic. For women, humility is the pathway to more satisfying relationships with men.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Episode 391: How to resist becoming emotionally attached (get a poker face)

Fri, 05 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

It is extremely important that men resist becoming emotionally attached to any given woman until she has been appropriately vetted for a relationship. If they allow their attraction to dictate their emotional involvement, then they might eventually have to choose between what is right and good for them, and what they have already decided to love. This is a painful choice that can be avoided with a little restraint and discernment. In this episode, I'll talk about how to do this.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Episode 390: Men’s greatest enemy (moving past the fear)

Mon, 01 Jan 2024 08:00:00 -0800

The one thing that most prevents men from having the relationships they want with the women they want to have them with is cowardice. In this episode, I discuss three ways in which this cowardice tends to manifest in the game of mating and dating: in approaching women, in responding to female emotionality, and in assuming leadership. For men, courage is the pathway to more satisfying relationships with women.

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#psychology #men #relationship

Episode 389: Fear is the basis of respect (people must hear you hiss)

Fri, 29 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

A common refrain I hear in my consultations with men is feeling disrespected. These men feel as though other men look down on them, and that women tend to overlook them. And since I've been giving the same feedback in multiple sessions, I thought I would make an episode on the topic to spare guys the trouble. Basically, it's dangerous for a man to appear harmless, as it makes it more likely that he will be the target for aggression that others would like to direct elsewhere -- but are too afraid to do so. Whether we like it or not, fear is the basis of respect.

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#psychology #respect #men

Episode 388: How to never fight with a woman (the greatest victory requires no battle)

Mon, 25 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

It has been many years since I last fought with a woman, and I'd very much like to keep it that way. Today, I'm going to share my secret with you. It's important to appreciate that one of the attributes of the feminine is to magnify and reflect. Femininity takes what it receives, makes it bigger, and gives it back to you. With this in mind, the best way to avoid conflict with a woman is to clarify (i.e., clean up) your tone. Remove every hint of frustration and judgment from your voice, and you'll have a much easier time of things.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 387: Couples therapy (almost) never works (you are not the client)

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

I might take some heat for this one, but I'm not a big fan of couples therapy -- mostly because I haven't seen it associated with a very high rate of success. In this episode, I give several reasons why this may be the case, and argue that -- if therapy is needed -- most issues can be more productively addressed in individual counseling. It's very hard to tell the truth that one person can hear; it's almost impossible to tell the truth that two people can hear simultaneously.

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#psychology #therapy #relationship

Episode 386: Men’s dating double-bind (how to flip the script)

Mon, 18 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Due to certain social and cultural expectations, men find themselves in a unique double-bind in the sexual marketplace. On the one hand, men are expected to approach and initiate. If a man takes no action, then generally nothing happens. However, on the other hand, the act of approaching and initiating makes them less attractive than they otherwise would be, reducing their chances of success. Men are more attractive if they don't pursue -- but if they don't pursue (at least in the beginning) nothing happens. Int his episode, I discuss how to break out of this conundrum.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 385: The trap of the high-value woman (every restaurant serves water)

Fri, 15 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

A common refrain that I hear in my consultations with women is a disinterest in performing "low-value" work in their relationships. This can include things like cooking, cleaning, and (in some cases) sex. They often believe that doing this work makes them a "maid" or a "mommy" (or a "sex worker"), and that they would prefer to be utilized in a "higher-value" capacity. To save women the trouble, I decided to make an episode on my general response to this complaint.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 384: It gets worse before it gets better (understanding why change is so difficult)

Mon, 11 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

One of the primary reasons why people reach out to me for a consultation is for help changing a long-standing relationship dynamic. While it is possible to alter even deep-seated issues, it takes time, it may not resolve completely, and it always, always gets worse before it gets better. In this episode, I'll explain why this is the case by approaching change through the (often unappreciated) lens of behavioral psychology.

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#psychology #change #relationship

Episode 383: Understanding emotional detachment (the key to resilience)

Fri, 08 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Emotional detachment is perhaps the most essential emotional survival strategy. Without it, you resign yourself to ride the emotional roller coaster: at the mercy of the ever-shifting whims of fate. However, emotional detachment is often misunderstood. In this episode, I will discuss what it is and what it isn't. Master this skill, and you'll be able to swim in even the deepest waters.

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#psychology #emotional #resilience

Episode 382: How to bring sex back into a relationship (why your woman pulls away)

Mon, 04 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

One of the primary reasons men reach out to me for consultations is to learn how to bring the passion back into a sexless marriage. Besides cultivating the conditions under which sexual interest is most likely to flourish, it's important to practice the fundamental principle of seduction, namely: tension and release. In this episode, I'll discuss what that might look like, and explain why your woman may be recoiling from your touch.

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#psychology #relationships #marriage

Episode 381: The key to understanding people (the carrot and the stick)

Fri, 01 Dec 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Most of the popular metrics people use to understand others -- attachment styles, Myers-Briggs, love languages -- are functionally useless for predicting behavior. The key to understanding others lies in appreciating the incentives under which they are operating: the carrot and the stick. Keep in mind that, in order to be motivating, these incentives don't actually have to exist in reality: they need only exist in their perceptions. In this episode, I discuss some of the ramifications of these observations.

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#psychology #personality #wisdom

Episode 380: How to get any man you want (The unbreakable rule)

Mon, 27 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, I discuss the third -- and final -- consideration for getting any man you want. If a woman has proven herself both functionally useful and sexually exciting, and she still hasn't been able to retain a desired relationship, in most cases it is because she has violated the unbreakable rule, namely: she has been difficult and disrespectful. Under no circumstances, can a woman allow herself to disrespect the man she wants. No exceptions.

Social Media

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 379: Why women pick fights (anger is reassuring)

Fri, 24 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Have you ever wondered why your woman seems to create unnecessary difficulties? Why is it that she can become so provocative, seemingly out of the blue? In this episode, I discuss the counterintuitive explanation for why many women pick fights with their partners. Though it might sound strange, anger is actually reassuring, as it demonstrates a person is still sufficiently emotionally invested to fight.

Social Media

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 378: Why men have midlife crises (you have to practice being selfish)

Mon, 20 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

The stereotypical midlife crisis looks like a man leaving his wife and kids, buying a sports car, and shacking up with a younger lover. What causes this phenomenon? And why does it mostly seem to impact men? In this episode, I argue that the men most at risk for midlife crises are the rule-following and duty-conscious sort, who have spent most of their conscious lives acting responsibly. To avoid this outcome, it's important for men to practice what I call "creative selfishness," and to enjoy the fruits of their labor along the way.

Social Media

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#psychology #men #mentalhealth

Episode 377: You’re only as good as your routines (structure is more important than you think)

Fri, 17 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

I recently spent a month abroad. While the experience was largely a positive one, as the weeks went by, I didn't feel as well as I did when I was living my boring, little life back home. Almost certainly, this was due to the disruption of my routines, which I typically discharge with mechanical regularity. Nutrition, sleep, exercise, sex, and connection are extremely important for individual psychology. They help to clarify thinking and regulate emotions. Before consulting with a therapist, it might make sense to get these five things on track first.

Social Media

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#psychology #motivation #success

Episode 376: ”I don’t play games” (understanding what this really means)

Mon, 13 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

This is a phrase I have heard many, many times over the course of my dating history. You would be forgiven for thinking that the person who says this is ready to "cut to the chase:" to dispense with all the courtship nonsense and negotiate a relationship. However, this is not the case. "I don't play games" really means "hurry up, and give me what I want" -- which is a tactic in the game of relationships. Be very wary of those who profess not to play games. Most likely, they can't afford to pay the sticker price.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 375: Passport bros and international dating (approaching the movement from a fresh perspective)

Fri, 10 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

This is a topic that has been requested repeatedly on this channel. For those who are unfamiliar, Passport Bros is the collective term for a movement among Western men who are increasingly pursuing mating and dating opportunities abroad. To be honest, my previous association with the movement was that it was primarily catering to men who were too low-status or unattractive to beat out the intrasexual competition in their home country. After spending a month in Japan, I no longer believe this to be the case. In this episode, I discuss my new perspective through the lens of my recent experiences.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 374: How to get any man you want (The hook)

Mon, 06 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Due to popular demand, this is the second episode in a three-part series on how women can get any man they want -- even if they are not exceptionally attractive. Men are not complicated. To secure a relationship with any man they have direct access to, women only need to do two things (and not do one thing). This episode is about the second thing, the Hook. This is how women capture men. In order to hook a man, women have to be the nastiest, slutiest versions of themselves possible. A woman's sexual behavior is the primary way men gauge her interest and attraction. So she needs to do things for him that she hasn't done with any other man -- and, ideally, that he hasn't done with any other woman.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 373: The best that life can offer (orienting toward your highest purpose)

Fri, 03 Nov 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Inspired by my recent trip to Japan, I would like to share with you one of my favorite poems:

O snail!

Climb Mount Fuji

-- but slowly, slowly.

Like many haiku, there is a substantial amount of wisdom contained within these three lines, much of which pertains to the best that life has to offer. If you don't see it yet, allow me to offer three lessons contained therein to edify you. Find your Fuji, and climb it as slowly as possible.

Social Media

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#wisdom #psychology #japan

Episode 372: How to get any man you want (The master key)

Mon, 30 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Due to popular demand, this is the first episode in a three-part series on how women can get any man they want -- even if they are not exceptionally attractive. Men are not complicated. To secure a relationship with any man they have direct access to, women only need to do two things (and not do one thing). This episode is about the first thing, the Master Key. The secret to getting a relationship with a man is being useful. Women need to make men's lives easier and better in order to secure a commitment. The trick is to insinuate themselves so completely into the day-to-day operation of a man's life that it would next to impossible to extricate them from it.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 371: Women need game too (understanding how women get commitment)

Fri, 27 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

This episode is for the ladies. It's important for women to understand that game is not just for men. Women need it to -- albeit for different reasons. Since women are the gatekeepers of sex, men need game in order to access the sexual opportunity. On the other hand, since men are the gatekeepers of commitment, women need game in order to secure a committed relationship. And most women have terrible game in this regard. Don't conflate your ability to secure sex from a man with your ability to get a commitment out of him.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 370: Frame cannot be shared (a ship can only have one captain)

Mon, 23 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In this episode, I respond to the most common critique of my conceptualization of frame as something that cannot be shared, namely: whether it's not possible for two people to create a mutually-constructed, egalitarian frame. Like socialism, this notion is associated with lofty ideals and noble sentiments, and -- like socialism -- it doesn't work like this in practice. I provide three reasons why this is the case.

Social Media

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#psychology #relationship #dating

Episode 369: Emotions are never irrational (feelings are not always justified)

Fri, 20 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Since only attempts at reason can be rational or irrational, and since emotions make no claims to reason, then emotions can neither be rational nor irrational. Their experience is always valid, but they are not always justified. This is because the thinking on which the emotion is based might be irrational or misaligned with reality. Unfortunately, it can be very difficult to evaluate our own thinking -- especially when we're emotional. In this episode, I provide a concrete example of how to do this using an unjustified experience of guilt.

Social Media

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#psychology #emotions #mentalhealth

Episode 368: Understanding frame (are you living in her world, or is she living in yours?)

Mon, 16 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Frame is a very important concept with respect to relationships. It's a bit hard to define, but I consider frame to be the "world" of the relationship. Without realizing it, most men are in the woman's frame. In this episode, I explain what this looks like using an anonymized example from a recent consultation. The details may change, but the situation is one in which millions of men find themselves today. Fortunately, if you lose frame, it's possible to reclaim it.

Social Media

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 367: Understanding the symptom pool (how the world goes mad)

Fri, 13 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The symptom pool is probably the single most important concept with respect to understanding mental illness. In short, the symptom pool is a culturally-bound collection of behavioral signals that can be used to communicate various degrees of distress. These signals are unconsciously added to the pool at the population level, and they are unconsciously manifested from the pool at the individual level. In this episode, I cite an example of how this might look from Ethan Watters's "Crazy like us".

Social Media

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#psychology #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness

Episode 366: You have to teach people how to feel about you (the vacuum cleaner salesman)

Mon, 09 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

When people first meet you, they look to you to teach them about how they should feel about you. This is because, it's actually fairly difficult for most people to make up their own minds: so they're going to need your help. This is your opportunity! The key to getting people to feel positively about you is to imagine that you are world's greatest vacuum cleaner salesman. I'll explain what that means in this episode.

Social Media

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#psychology #relationship #confidence

Episode 365: May all beings be free of suffering (addressing the source of the problem)

Fri, 06 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Like many of you, I have a morning ritual that includes prayer and meditation. For many years, part of that ritual has been praying that "all beings be free of suffering" -- which is a traditional Buddhist loving-kindness mantra. However, over the course of this practice, I realized that my conceptualization of suffering -- and prayer and God -- was superficial and immature. To liberate people from suffering, we will all need to address the root cause of the problem.

Social Media

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#psychology #buddhism #meditation

Episode 364: ”I have plenty of time” (understanding female timelines)

Mon, 02 Oct 2023 08:00:00 -0700

This phrase -- "I have plenty of time" -- is one I've heard from many, many women throughout my dating history. However, is that really true? In today's episode, I discuss some of the uncomfortable facts about female fertility, especially as they pertain to men's sexual selection priorities. In today's world, women can be anything -- but they can't be everything. Because no one can.

Fertility facts: https://www.cnyfertility.com/fertility-stats-by-age/

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 363: Why I do what I do (if no one else is doing the job, you’re elected)

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In the course of my work, I'm occasionally asked why I do what I do. It's a complicated question, but -- by way of an answer -- I'd like to offer an anecdote from my life. On a Saturday night many years ago, I ended up directing traffic at a chaotic intersection in New York City. The moral of the story is that the world doesn't need more people getting irate or walking past the problem. The peanut gallery is full. If you see an issue, and no one else is solving it, then congratulations: you've just been elected. Become part of the solution, and your life will be an adventure.

Social Media

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#psychology #leadership #adventure

Episode 362: Love like the sun (moving beyond the exchange of value)

Mon, 25 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

One day, I hope to be able to love like the Sun. In this episode, I discuss what that means by examining the exultant humility of the star in the center of our solar system. The Sun is one of our best models of the generosity, abundance, and indifference that constitute the most elevated forms of love, and its teachings are freely available to us all. If you're ready to up your game, and move beyond the exchange of value that characterizes relationships, this episode is for you.

Social Media

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#psychology #love #sun

Episode 361: Overcoming impostor syndrome (understanding why it doesn’t make sense)

Fri, 22 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

There is a paradox that lies at the heart of impostor syndrome. On the one hand, people feel that they are incompetent in their role and that it is only a matter of time before their more competent colleagues catch on. And on the other hand, people also believe that they are competent enough to hide their incompetence from people more competent than they are. This duality is almost humorously non-sensical, and appreciating it can go a long way toward resolving the syndrome. However, just for good measure, in this episode, I also discuss how to overcoming feeling like an impostor with actionable steps.

Social Media

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#psychology #work #business

Episode 360: How to be wise (accepting the gift that nobody wants)

Mon, 18 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In the course of my work, I'm occasionally asked how it is that I came to know what I know. I usually answer that, to the extent that I am wise, I became wise through pain and insight. Pain in the gift that nobody wants -- but if you learn to listen to pain, it will teach you some of life's profoundest lessons. In this episode, I discuss some of the obstacles that prevent people from taking advantage of the opportunity in pain, and how to use insight to accelerate your growth.

Social Media

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#psychology #wisdom #pain

Episode 359: How to deal with haters

Fri, 15 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

As soon as you stand up and run the risk of being somebody, you cast a shadow. One element of that shadow is a body of antagonists that is subject to trying to denounce and destroy you. These are haters. However, haters don't actually hate as much as they envy. In this episode, I discuss how envy works and how to respond to the envious.

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#psychology #emotions #courage

Episode 358: Women and acceptable loss

Mon, 11 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

If it's true that women mate and date for gain (i.e., they get out more than they put in), then it must be true that men mate and date for acceptable loss (i.e., they put in more than they get out). It would not be possible for women to date for gain if they put in more than they got out, and such a relationship would likely prove unsustainable. However, it's important for men to understand that there is a difference between acceptable and unacceptable loss. I discuss more on this episode.

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Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 357: Only founders get equity

Fri, 08 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Many promising ventures start as little more than a vision. With little more to offer, these businesses woo partners and investors with equity: the promise of a share in the future earnings of the company. It's a risk: many businesses fail. However, if they wait for the business to succeed, these folks might also be priced out of the market. The same is true of dating. Only founders get equity. Everyone else gets a salary, at best.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 356: Men and women don’t need each other anymore

Mon, 04 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

For perhaps the first time in a very long time, we have arrived at the point where men and women don't need each other anymore. For society to function, women need lots of men around, but a given woman doesn't need her own man. For civilization to continue, men need lots of women around, but a given man doesn't need his own woman. In this episode, I discuss some of the consequences of replacing necessity with desire.

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#psychology #men #women

Episode 355: The biological clock doesn’t exist

Fri, 01 Sep 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The biological clock, generally understood as a felt sense of urgency arising from a woman's physiology as she nears the end of her reproductive window, can't exist as such. If this urge were biological, we would expect it to occur when a woman is most likely to conceive and carry a viable pregnancy (i.e., when she is young and fertile). The historical record would also likely look very different. In this episode, I make the case that the urgency in question is more of a psychological clock than a biological one.

"Conditional expression of women's desires and men's mate guarding across the ovulatory cycle": https://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/comm/haselton/papers/downloads/haselton_gangestad.pdf

"Variation in sociosexuality across natural menstrual cycles": https://www.researchgate.net/publication/342556732_Variation_in_sociosexuality_across_natural_menstrual_cycles_Associations_with_ovarian_hormones_and_cycle_phase

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 354: The way it all ends (Part 2)

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 21:24:27 -0700

Given what we understand about female mating and dating behavior, it's possible to play the chess out twenty moves and consider the various endgames that women will face in the sexual marketplace. There are actually not very many. In this episode, I discuss the five ways it can end for any given woman, and provide rough probability estimates for each scenario.

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 354: The way it all ends (Part 1)

Mon, 28 Aug 2023 21:22:42 -0700

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#psychology #dating #women

Episode 353: The most dangerous thing for a relationship

Fri, 18 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The general consensus is that relationships tend to fail when one person in the couple begins to struggle. Maybe they stop putting effort into the courtship; maybe they stop putting effort into their own growth and well-being; maybe they become addicted or comfortably numb. And while this can certainly happen, this isn't what I typically see in my practice. In today's episode, I discuss the most dangerous thing for a relationship: when success comes to one person.

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#psychology #relationship #marriage

Deep Dive 006: Alex Leon

Wed, 16 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Follow Alex on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@alexleonlife/

Follow Alex on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/alexovertheocean/

I was excited to be able to sit down with Alex Leon recently. I've personally followed Alex -- and the other coaches @TheNaturalLifestyles -- for years. They give men solid, actionable advice on pick-up and seduction without the sleaze. In this long-form discussion, Alex and I discuss the process of building an emotional connection, the use of non-verbal cues to communicate intent, and the state of pick up in the modern age.

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Sound mixing/editing by: valntinomusic.com Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D.

PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#psychology #dating #attraction

Episode 352: How men mess up new relationships

Mon, 14 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

New relationships are often delicate things: missteps committed at this stage of the courtship process aren't as easily forgiven. In this episode, I'll discuss the most common way that men unintentionally bring promising relationships to a premature conclusion, and how to prevent this happening to you. The key is to understand that uncertainty and insecurity are your allies during the rapprochement stage.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 351: How to make friends as an adult

Fri, 11 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

It's much harder to make friends as an adult, especially for men. For better or worse, most men in middle age devote half their waking life to work, and the other half to their wife and children. It's not that they don't value friendship; it's that society incentivizes and rewards men for prioritizing other things over these relationships. In today's episode, I discuss a nearly sure-fire way to make a few new friends as an adult in just a couple of months.

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#psychology #friendship #men

Episode 350: Most men are romantics

Mon, 07 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Though it may sound ludicrous at first blush, most men in the western world are romantics. To understand why this is the case, we need to clarify the core belief of romanticism that dwells in the heart of hearts of most men, namely: "I can be loved for who I am." For better or worse, this is not the basis of an adult relationship with women. Men need to provide value to secure mating and dating opportunities. This is the red pill in one sentence.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 349: How to create more meaning in your life

Fri, 04 Aug 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I often work with highly successful men. These people have achieved everything society tells them they should want, but they often still feel unfulfilled. This is because achievement and fulfillment aren't really the same thing. In today's episode, I discuss a method for creating more meaning in your life by asking yourself a counterintuitive question: "what would I (still) do, if I knew I couldn't succeed?"

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#psychology #meaning #purpose

Episode 348: Why men end up with train wrecks

Mon, 31 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The internet is full of information regarding the red flags of dating. Since this knowledge is widely available, why do men still end up in relationships with toxic women? The uncomfortable truth is that -- for a lot men -- it's not so much that they act in spite of the red flags, but that they act because of them. Secure, emotionally-stable, high-functioning men do not tend to end up with train wrecks. Using my own experience, in this episode I speak to how men are complicit in their own undoing when they refuse to acknowledge and heal their emotional wounding.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 347: How to overcome approach anxiety

Fri, 28 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

All men suffer from approach anxiety to some degree. This is because female rejection carries the unconscious threat of extinction. However, it is possible to overcome this anxiety -- though it generally requires actually approaching women. In this episode, I'll discuss how men can benefit from my acting experience and learn to tell the truth under imaginary circumstances. By manipulating the fantasies in your mind, you can learn to be confident in any situation.

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#psychology #anxiety #dating

Deep Dive 005: Ken Curry

Wed, 26 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Learn more about Ken at https://solidman.com

I enjoyed the opportunity to sit down with my friend and colleague, Ken Curry. Like me, Ken is a male therapist who specializes in men's mental health. He also runs a few virtual men's groups, based on his "Solid Man" process, out of his home state of Colorado (see below). In this conversation, we discuss how to avoid the 10,000 concessions that lead to the abdication of frame in long-term relationships, the pros (and cons) of marriage, and some of the challenges faced by modern men.

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#psychology #masculinity #relationship

Episode 346: Why marriage kills sex

Mon, 24 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The general trend in long-term relationships is for the frequency and intensity of sex to decline as a function of time. Why is this the case? It turns out that sex is an extremely complex behavior: it's not just about pleasure and reproduction. One of its primary functions is to facilitate emotional bonding. This is why sex is typically hot and heavy at the beginning of the courtship process, when no bond as yet exists. Creating a stable and secure relationship -- paradoxically -- eliminates one of the primary functions of sex: it works toward its own obsolesce. This is why space and separation are necessary to keep the passion alive.

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#psychology #marriage #relationship

Episode 345: Why men pay on the first date

Fri, 21 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

If dating is an extended hiring process, then it is typically on the company doing the hiring to cover the expenses incurred during said process. This is why organizations fly out compelling applicants when they are interested in their services. However, since most applicants will not ultimately be offered a position, covering these expenses allows the organization to back out of the process at any moment and for any reason without recourse. This is why men pay on the first date: it affords them the freedom of walking away without obligation.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 344: Dating is an extended hiring process

Mon, 17 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In no culture that I'm aware of does the woman propose to the man. What this means is that, ultimately, it is the man who invites the woman into his life -- not the other way around. Appreciation of this fact reframes dating as an extended hiring process, in which the man attempts to determine whether the woman possesses the traits, skills, and attributes necessary to discharge the responsibilities associated with the position he has created in his life for her.

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#psychology #dating #relationship

Episode 343: Can people change?

Fri, 14 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

As a psychologist, I'm often asked the question as to whether people can change. And since people are always in a constant state of change, I take this question to mean: "is radical personality transformation possible?" And my answer is: yes! However, it is typically only possible once people hit bottom. In today's episode, I make the case that my favorite musical, "Les Miserables," is actually a protracted examination of this question. Is Valjean's transformation legitimate, or will he forever be Javert's escaped convict, 24601? Let's take a look.

"Valjean's Soliloquy": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pJx1pRCey78

"The Confrontation": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jfRE_FljrE

"Stars": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dfoJEYicu7c

"Javert's Suicide": https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsZdfna1LKA

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#psychology #lesmiserables #transformation

Episode 342: Why men are afraid to approach women

Mon, 10 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Most men have approach anxiety. There are many recent contributors to this anxiety -- such as the fear of being "cancelled" for their attraction -- but the root causes of this fear are much deeper. In today's episode, I make the case that -- on an unconscious level -- female rejection is tantamount to the judgment that a man does not deserve to exist because his genetics don't merit perpetuation. This has caused some men to idealize women to divine proportions in their romantic imagination, as they have been endowed with the capacity to determine which men have "the right stuff."

Social Media

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#psychology #women #dating

Episode 341: All men pay

Fri, 07 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

One way or another, men pay to access the opportunity for sex with women. And it is often the case that the more transactional the relationship becomes, the less men actually pay. This is because the value of the time, energy, money, and opportunity spent in less transactional relationships is generally greater than the value of the money spent in more transactional relationships. However, the higher a given woman's attraction, the greater the discount she will generally offer to access the sexual opportunity. The more a man pays, the less the woman likes him.

Jack Reacher: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yAA6hxQgTjQ

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#psychology #relationship #women

Episode 340: Most people don’t want relationships

Mon, 03 Jul 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The rates of sex and marriage -- especially among young adults -- have fallen to historically unprecedented lows and show no signs of stopping. Why is this happening? My theory is that most people don't really want relationships. Rather: they want what relationships can get them. And if they can get those things more easily, more cheaply, and more safely in other places than relationships, they will do so. In this episode, I make a case that this is precisely what men and women are doing, albeit in different ways.

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#relationship #psychology #dating

Episode 339: Get used to disappointing women

Fri, 30 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Men and women love differently. Feminine love is consumptive: it wants as much of you inside of her as possible. However, when it is actually successful in its objective, it grows disinterested in that which it was once fascinated. It falls to men to hold the line against this consumption for the good of both parties, which will require them to occasionally disappoint their women. Those who fail to develop this skill will learn to regret it.

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#psychology #women #relationship

Episode 338: Most men blow the first date

Mon, 26 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

On a first date, too many men snatch defeat from the jaws of success. In today's episode, I discuss why a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and why many guys talk their way out of a sexual opportunity. In their desire to impress women, men come off as boring, boorish, and self-centered. However, by learning the importance of maintaining women's fantasies intact, they'll be able to turn their franchises around.

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#dating #psychology #relationship

Episode 337: Reflections on 100,000 subscribers

Fri, 23 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

A few weeks ago, PsycHacks passed an important milestone in the history of the channel: 100,000 subscribers! In the busyness of everyday life, this moment passed without much fanfare. However, I thought it would be appropriate to really acknowledge the event and appreciate its significance. In today's episode, I talk about some of my experiences behind the scenes and my intentions of the future. Let's keep going!

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#psychology #thankyou #youtube

Episode 336: Why most marriages fail

Tue, 20 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The divorce rate in the Western world is terrifying. How have we arrived at the point where a marriage is more likely to end in divorce than not? It's a complicated question, but I'd like to offer a contributing factor that is often overlooked, namely: that marriage -- as a fundamentally humble institution -- was not designed to support all of the additional weight it has taken on in recent history. In the words of Kurt Vonnegut, your marriage is struggling because "you are not enough people." And you were never meant to be.

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#psychology #marriage #divorce

Episode 335: The limitations of science

Sat, 17 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I don't often talk about the empirical literature on this channel. This is because -- having conducted some research in my time -- I understand how easy it is to lie under the guise of objectivity. Without a thorough grounding in statistics, modeling, and research design, it is next to impossible to evaluate the merit of any given study, and experiments can be custom-tailored to their desired outcomes. Rather than give excessive consideration to what is factually accurate, I'm more concerned with what is meaningfully true. This leads to two conceptualizations of science, which I will discuss further in this episode.

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#psychology #science #knowledge

Deep Dive 003: Rob Ager

Fri, 16 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I was thrilled to be able to sit down recently with Rog Ager of Collative Learning (link below). To my mind, Rob is one of the most brilliant film analysts putting out content on the Internet, a feat he accomplishes without being esoteric or pedantic. Over the course of our conversation, we discuss the field of semiotics, the use of archetypical symbols in the work of Stanley Kubrick, and -- one of my favorite topics -- the James Bond series. I hope you enjoy the talk as much as I did.

Collative Learning: https://www.youtube.com/@collativelearning

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#psychology #film #collativelearning

Episode 334: What men don’t understand about female selection

Wed, 14 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Awareness of some of the realities of female mating and dating behavior -- including hypergamy -- is at an all-time high. However, many men still entertain misconceptions about this information. In today's episode, I will address two of the most prevalent: the belief that hypergamy directly benefits women, and the belief that being high-value creates effortless sexual opportunity. These two misconceptions roughly accord with the two general male responses to hypergamy: despair and desire.

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#psychology #relationship #men

Episode 333: How to love yourself

Sun, 11 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Learning to love yourself is extremely important, because where you go, there you are. If your self is cruel and self-loathing, you can exist in the midst of peace and pleasure without benefitting in the slightest. In today's episode, I will give you three simple steps to overcome self-hatred and move in the direction of self-love. They do not require expensive therapy sessions, and you can put them into practice today.

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#psychology #selfcare #selfimprovement

Deep Dive 002: Chazz Ellis

Fri, 09 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I was very excited to be able to sit down with Chazz Ellis a few weeks ago. Chazz has remained one of my favorite content creators on YouTube, ever since I began following his work many years ago. His down-to-earth, no-nonsense approach to dating and relationships is both practical and enlightening. In this conversation, we discuss dating geoarbitrage, the importance of game, and the realities of the sexual marketplace.

Ask Chazz Ellis: https://www.youtube.com/@askchazzellis

Chazz Ellis Guys' Channel: https://www.youtube.com/@chazzellisguyschannel4936

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#psychology #dating #men

Episode 332: How to be a man

Thu, 08 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

There is a contemporary crisis in masculinity. Whereas 100 years ago, everyone seemed to take it for granted what it meant to be a man, today the topic is rife with dissention and speculation. Unfortunately, much of the advice men hear today pertains to what I call "performative masculinity": a suite of behaviors that can be learned to communicate masculinity socially. While there is nothing wrong with this, such advice fails to cut to the heart of the matter. In today's episode, I discuss the two attributes of "essential masculinity".

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#psychology #men #masculinity

Episode 331: Why women monkey branch

Mon, 05 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Monkey branching is the phenomenon in which one person swings from one relationship to the next, with little to no time between the two. If both men and women can do this, why is the behavior so much more common in men than it is in men? Much like in business, the largest jumps in position and compensation generally occur when workers move between companies (rather than when they remain within the same company). And when preparing for such a move, it is advantageous for workers to remain in their current positions until they receive a binding offer. Relationships operate in the same way.

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#relationship #psychology #women

Episode 330: Why time seems to move faster as you age

Fri, 02 Jun 2023 08:00:00 -0700

It is a much-lamented fact that time seems to move faster as we age. However, what accounts for this phenomenon? In today's episode, I discuss my pet theory on the subject, namely: the perception of the rate of time is inversely correlated with the expenditure of cognitive resources. This means that time seems to move slower when we engage in bottom-up processing, and faster when we engage in top-down processing. Of course, the "movement" of time is an illusion, but that's the subject of another video...

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#time #psychology #perception

Episode 329: Where do players come from?

Tue, 30 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The myth of the natural is just that: a myth. Success with women is not something some men are born with -- it is something that some men choose to cultivate. However, the process of developing this suite of skills is painful and expensive. What would sufficiently motivate a man to do so? The truth is that most players are nice guys who were hurt one too many times and decided to do something about it. I explain this process using one of my favorite films, "2046" by Wong Kar-Wai.

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Sound mixing/editing by @valntinomusic. Presented by Orion Taraban, Psy.D. PsycHacks provides viewers with a brief, thought-provoking video several days a week on a variety of psychological topics, inspired by his clinical practice. The intention is for the core idea contained within each video to inspire viewers to see something about themselves or their world in a slightly different light. The ultimate mission of the channel is to reduce the amount of unnecessary suffering in the world.

#dating #psychology #men

Episode 328: ”I don’t want to waste my time”

Sat, 27 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

If you've dated women, at some point in your life you've probably heard her say the phrase: "I don't want to waste my time." The idea here is that the woman is challenging the relationship on the basis that she is not getting enough of what she wants, when she wants it. Furthermore, men who do not provide value on women's timelines are considered "time-wasters," and become the target of a good deal of social vitriol. In this episode, I share a few of my hot takes on this phrase -- and the attitude behind it.

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#dating #women #psychology

Episode 327: The game does not run on gratitude

Wed, 24 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Success in any game does not depend on gratitude. This means that you cannot hope to secure a positive outcome on the basis of the good you've already done, or the value you've already provided. This will be a bitter pill for many to swallow. On the other hand, what does consistently associate with positive outcome is power: the ability to implement future rewards and punishments. If you can no longer benefit or harm another person, then you become irrelevant.

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#psychology #power #success

Episode 326: What men and women have to do in order to love

Sun, 21 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Men and women face unique challenges with respect to being able to love. In this episode, I will address each of these challenges in turn. The issue with women is that their love -- while pure -- tends to get mixed up with a bunch of other impurities. Consequently, women need to filter their transmission of love until it is unadulterated. On the other hand, the issue with men is that life demands that they become hard, and then -- having become hard -- to soften. As a result, men need to love like a tree, which is firm and dependable without being rigid and unyielding.

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#psychology #relationship #love

Episode 325: Making men angry at women is a business

Thu, 18 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Making men angry at women is a business -- and it's big business of social media platforms, like YouTube. For this reason, it's very important for the young men who are the primary demographic of these channels to take what they learn there with a grain of salt. In this episode, I dissect the interconnected system of creators, consumers, and platforms, explaining how they all more or less conspire to promote increasingly sensational content, which directly contributes to the polarization of society.

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#psychology #women #socialmedia

Episode 324: Men and women: How did we end up here?

Mon, 15 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Many folks today lament the current state of affairs between men and women, especially with respect to mating and dating. It wasn't always like this, right? So how exactly did we end up here? In this episode, I present an answer to this question from an unlikely place: Ang Lee's "Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon". Interspersed throughout the dazzling visuals and top-notch fight scenes is a profound psychological allegory about the historical relationship between the masculine and the feminine. This is a longer episode, but well worth it.

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#men #women #psychology

Episode 323: How to have a fulfilling life

Fri, 12 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

A fulfilling life is a supremely good thing. To attain it, a person must have vision -- imagination plus granularity -- and a person must have want -- the synthesis of will and desire. In this episode, I will discuss how to cultivate both of these capacities. I also stress the importance of planning for a continuous stream of average Tuesdays, as opposed to a sporadic discontinuity of peak experiences. Finally, I touch on the wisdom of prioritizing the process of becoming, over and above having become.

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#lifehacks #lifestyle #psychology

Episode 322: Most men are wallpaper

Tue, 09 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The biggest risk a man can take is not taking a risk. If a man does not stand out, the world will pass him by. This is because, if a man is indistinguishable from his environment, then he is functionally wallpaper: field not focus. Once of the easiest ways a man can stand out is in his visual presentation, which he can think of as his branding. In this episode, I will walk you through several examples of male dating archetypes from an unlikely source (see below).

"Dream Daddy": https://gamecritics.com/andrew-king/dream-daddy-review/

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#men #dating #style

Episode 321: The difference between masculine and feminine communication

Sat, 06 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The most significant difference between masculine and feminine communication pertains to their respective goals. Whereas masculine communication is interested in the accurate transmission of information, feminine communication is devoted to the transmission of experience, in the sense of felt subjectivity. By means of analogy: masculine communication is like a language without vowels, and feminine communication is like a language without consonants. The most effective communication styles combine both.

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#men #women #psychology

Episode 320: Love has nothing to do with relationships

Wed, 03 May 2023 08:00:00 -0700

This will be a bitter pill to swallow for many people, but love has nothing to do with relationships. Whereas relationships are the medium through which value is transacted -- and, therefore, require rules, definitions, and compromises in order to "do business" -- love is royally indifferent to all of these things and expects nothing in return. This is because relationships are about getting what you want, while love is a passage into a higher form of life through the gateway of the humiliated self. And since love only wants what is best for the other -- without care of its own self-interest -- love can only justifiably want a relationship if that relationship were in the best interests of the other...which it probably isn't.

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#love #relationship #psychology

Episode 319: What evolutionary psychology gets wrong

Sun, 30 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

While evolutionary psychology can be incredibly useful in explaining much of modern mating and dating preferences, it fails, in my opinion, to adequately appreciate the influence of status on intersexual dynamics. The standards of attractiveness fluctuate (somewhat) from generation to generation and from culture to culture; however, what remains constant is the collective selection of some subset of partner traits considered to be "desirable." Attracting a partner with more of these traits -- irrespective of how arbitrary or superficial those traits might be -- generally redounds to increased survival and prosperity.

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#psychology #evolution #relationship

Episode 318: Most people are delusional

Thu, 27 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Most people on the planet are subject to a delusion so prevalent that it is functionally invisible. In so many words, the delusion is that one's judgments about reality inhere in reality, itself. It kinda works like this: people judge phenomena according to egocentric standards, project those judgments into reality, block awareness of that projection, and then mistake their projected judgments for empirical observations. This transforms the universe into a hall of mirrors, which is the narcissistic dilemma. The way out is through awareness.

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#psychology #awareness #crazy

Episode 317: Who has more power in a relationship?

Mon, 24 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Much like attraction, the balance of power in a relationship is never exactly equal. Whether we like it or not, one person always has more power than an other in a given relationship. It would be irresponsible to claim that this power imbalance neatly follows gendered lines, as it intimately depends on the actual individuals involved. That said, in this episode, I give you three easy ways to make the determination as to who has more power in a relationship.

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#power #relationship #psychology

Episode 316: Talking is overrated

Fri, 21 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

This might sound odd coming from a therapist, but talking -- especially in the context of intimate relationships -- is overrated. While talking is the most effective strategy for dealing with some issues (e.g., logistics), it is woefully inadequate for solving most of the problems encountered in relationships. In fact, to the extent that talking changes behavior, this is often due to the punitive nature of talking, as opposed to the understanding that talking seems to provide. Furthermore, nearly everything that people seek out in their relationships can be communicated non-verbally.

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#psychology #relationship #communication

Episode 315: How to have a fulfilling sexual relationship

Tue, 18 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

As is often the case, a fulfilling sexual relationship often is an issue of selection. The way to have one is to pick someone with a comparable libido, and who (ideally) has worked through his or her sexual baggage. However, even within these general recommendations, difficulties can develop. In this episode, I will discuss how to handle a woman who turns down a bid for sex. Just because her kitchen's closed doesn't mean that you have to go hungry.

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#dating #relationship #psychology

Episode 314: Why 50-50 relationships don’t work

Sat, 15 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

The idea of 50-50 relationships sounds appealing: it's the definition of equality, and it ensures that people get as much as the give. Unfortunately, these relationships don't really work in practice due to several economic realities of the dating market that people are often loathe to acknowledge. The crux of the situation is that, in a 50-50 relationship, the woman is giving the most she is willing to give while the man is giving the least he is willing to give. Though equal, this asymmetricality doesn't feel fair -- which is what generally causes these relationships to fail.

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#relationship #dating #psychology

Episode 313: How to see God (if you don’t believe)

Wed, 12 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I can appreciate the perspective of the agnostic and atheistic. Without empirical evidence of God, and without any direct experience of the divine, believing in God can really seem like a fairytale. In this episode, I aim to guide these folks to the point at which God may become apparent by discussing a seemingly unrelated question: how can you prove that you exist? As we'll see, the same proofs for and against the self can be made for and against God. Ultimately, we hit on the existence of God -- like that of the self -- indirectly, as the unifying concept that allows us to make order out of chaos.

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#god #psychology #spirituality

Episode 312: Men need to have a plan with women

Sun, 09 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

I strongly recommend that a man should clarify his intentions with respect to any given woman in his life before he interacts with her. This gives him coherence with respect to his words and actions, and makes it much more likely that he will get what he wants. A man who does not have a plan for his life will end up a part of someone else's plan. When it comes to women, this generally happens as a result of a phenomenon called "relationship creep." I explain more in this episode.

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#dating #relationship #women

Episode 311: The complaint of modern women

Thu, 06 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Modern women seem to be on the horns of a two-pronged dilemma. On the one hand, they lament the diminishing pool of high-value men with whom they might satisfy their hypergamy. And on the other hand, they reject the distasteful possibility that they might partner with a lower-value man. "If I provide the money and the lifestyle and the responsibility and the competence," they might think, "then why bother with relationships at all? What do I get out of it?" When I hear this complaint, I can't help but smile, because they are on the cusp of understanding.

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#women #relationship #psychology

Episode 310: ”Do you only want sex?”

Mon, 03 Apr 2023 08:00:00 -0700

This is a dishonest question that women often use against men who express too much interest or enthusiasm for the sexual dimension of their relationships. While I believe I can appreciate women's concerns in this regard, the fact of the matter is that sexual relationships are the only socially-acceptable place for men to get their sexual needs met. So bringing their interest and enthusiasm to these relationships is entirely appropriate. And what women seem to fail to appreciate is that almost every other transacted value in their sexual relationship can be gratified elsewhere. Sexual relationships are a specialty business -- and it's not wise to shame one's customers.

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#women #relationship #psychology

Episode 309: Divide and conquer

Fri, 31 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In this sponsored episode, I talk about the failure of a bill legislating the creation of a state commission on men's and boy's issues from receiving a hearing on the floor of the Washington state House of Representatives for the second year in a row -- despite being authored by two women and enjoying bipartisan support. I discuss why that might be the case, including: the common misconception that men and women's success is a zero sum game, and the usefulness of fomenting animosity between the sexes.

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#men #menshealth #women

Episode 308: The truth about the red pill

Tue, 28 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Time to talk about the red pill. For the purposes of this discussion, I'm defining the red pill as a set of knowledge and know-how that facilitates the construction of a worldview pertaining to men's place in society and intersexual dynamics, in particular. In many respects, the red pill can be likened to a spiritual transformation, in that -- having undergone it -- the person is no longer who he once was. In light of this, I'm going to offer two teachings that -- while originally rooted in spirituality -- are usefully applicable to the red pill.

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#redpill #psychology #relationship

Episode 307: The superficiality of desire

Sat, 25 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

After a lot of consideration, I've come to the conclusion that humans are more or less tragically superficial with respect to their desire and attraction. This can be overridden with rationality and effort, but the default programming seems to be shallow. Both men and women are superficial when it comes to mating and dating -- albeit in different ways -- and complaining about this reality won't change a thing. It's a better idea to accept this situation and learn to play the game successfully.

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#attraction #relationship #desire

Episode 306: Why men get jealous of their women’s past

Wed, 22 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Hardly a week goes by without me talking to a man about his jealousy with respect to his woman's sexual history. These men know that their reaction is "irrational" -- there is no current threat to the relationship, and the behavior in question usually occurred before they even knew the women -- but the feelings they experience are real and painful, nonetheless. In this episode, I explain why this phenomenon occurs, and where the threat actually lurks. Be sure to watch to the end.

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#relationship #jealousy #women

Episode 305: Talk about people behind their backs

Sun, 19 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

One of my general orientations to communication is to never say anything about anyone that you wouldn't feel comfortable saying directly to his or her face. However, there is one exception to this orientation. It's a more advanced strategy, and it's what I'm going to discuss in this episode. Basically, you're allowed to say things about others behind their backs that you wouldn't say to their faces, if what you say is positive. This is such an underutilized social hack that most people won't know how to deal with it.

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#gossip #relationship #social

Episode 304: Why people self-sabotage

Thu, 16 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

Self-sabotage is a fascinating and complex behavior. In general, self-sabotage is a defense strategy that protects the ego's illusory self-regard from having a disconfirming experience with reality. It also provides a sense of safety by both creating limiters on action and offering self-saboteurs some degree of control. As painful as it is to fail, it is even more painful to do so on someone else's terms...potentially after trying your best. Self-sabotage allows people to maintain a certain self-image as compensation for an objective lack of success.

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#psychology #growth #truth

Episode 303: Where have all the good men gone

Mon, 13 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0700

In today's sponsored video, I tackle the question: "where have all the good men gone?" While you can make the argument that the decline in masculinity may be due in part to genetic influences, I make the case that cultural/social factors are more directly at play. A culture can disappear from the face of the Earth in three generations. If boys continue to be taught -- directly or indirectly -- that their masculinity is a toxic stain, then good men will continue to become scarcer. As a society, we should strive to raise good men, not nice boys.

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#men #women #masculinity

Episode 302: Produce more than you consume

Fri, 10 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0800

If you want to avoid some of the major avoidable pitfalls of being alive, then "produce more than you consume" is a good general orientation to life. In this episode, I begin by applying this principle in some obvious domains (i.e., physical health and financial well-being) before moving on to the topic of content consumption and creative production. Many people are now consuming so much content that they no longer know which thoughts are their own -- or even how to think independently. This is not associated with a good life for several reasons.

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#psychology #lifestyle #growth

Episode 301: Why people don’t like it when you’re nice to them

Tue, 07 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Why is it that your best efforts are often repaid with indifference, rejection, and contempt? This is a complicated phenomenon, but we can view one possible explanation through the lens of the balance of attraction. In turns out that people have preferences with respect both to the position they would rather occupy, and to the size of the gap they would like to experience. Being nice to others puts the other in the place of the adored and increases the gap of attraction. Negativity in response to this behavior is an attempt to recalibrate the gap back to acceptable limits.

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#attraction #relationship #dating

Episode 300: Women win this dating game

Sat, 04 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Serial monogamy is a dating strategy that so clearly favors women that I'm consistently surprised when men voluntarily assume it for themselves. The crux of the issue is that it is much easier for the average woman to enter into a new relationship after the end of the old one than it is for the average man. Over time, this leads to significant disparities in experience and opportunity that make it more likely that a woman will end up in a relationship that serves her needs than the other way around. I'll discuss the reasons for all of this in this episode.

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#dating #women #relationship

Episode 299: Rejecting women is a skill

Wed, 01 Mar 2023 08:00:00 -0800

There is an inherent asymmetry between wanting and giving: wanting is free, but giving is costly. This is why wanting is such a good interpersonal strategy, and why -- the more successful you become as a man -- the more you should expect more women to want more things from you. However, your time, energy, and money are limited quantities that cannot be doled out on request. So learning to reject women is a skill. In this episode, I discuss some of the beliefs that prevent men from doing this effectively.

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#women #psychology #relationship

Episode 298: Weed is more dangerous than you think

Sun, 26 Feb 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Many folks believe cannabis to be a relatively harmless drug: it's next to impossible to overdose on it, and it doesn't seem to create physiological dependence. It's not a "hard" drug, like some of the other "bad" ones. However, weed is much more dangerous than most people think. Among other things, it tricks people into thinking that they're using their time well, and it keeps people comfortable in situations they have no business being comfortable in. I discuss more in this episode.

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#psychology #growth #recovery

Episode 297: The emotional gym

Thu, 23 Feb 2023 08:00:00 -0800

Developing an emotional virtue (patience, compassion, forgiveness) is not much different from strengthening a physical muscle. You have to put in the reps with some degree of intentionality. The main difference between the two practices is -- while you go to the physical gym -- the emotional gym comes to you. You do not get to decide when you're in the emotional gym. You only get to choose whether to exercise while you're there. Through this lens, the frustrations, disappointments, and betrayals in your life become the weights you lift to build emotional strength and resilience.

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#growth #psychology #redpill

Episode 296: The most common male sexual strategy

Mon, 20 Feb 2023 08:00:00 -0800

In today's sponsored episode, I respond to a viewer who is asking after the likelihood of successfully turning things around in his marriage after twelve years of "nice guy" behavior. This is a really common problem, and one that comes up again and again in my paid consultations. First, I explain how men tend to find themselves in this predicament to begin with, by discussing the most common male sexual strategy. Then I discuss what to expect if and when you decide to make a change to an established reinforcement protocol.

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#relationship #dating #redpill

Episode 295: How to improve your motivation as a man

Fri, 17 Feb 2023 08:00:00 -0800

The cheapest and fastest way to improve your motivation as a man is to stop masturbating. While masturbation may relieve men of the frustration they are likely to experience without an appropriate sexual outlet, this very frustration -- if sublimated -- is rocket fuel for success and achievement. This is because the sex drive is an attribute of the libido, or life force. Yoking the consistent intensity of the male sex drive to the prospect of long-term gain provides the focus and motivation to level up and excel. Highly recommended.

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