A Lifetime of Hallmark

All’s Fair in Love and Mahjong: Hallmark’s Most Confusing Business Plan Yet

Fri, 29 May 2026 07:57:32 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason didn’t forget about you because they took their fish oil pills, and they’re here to talk about Hallmark’s I’ll be Seeing You! But first, Les talks about his epic birthday bash featuring celebrity appearances! Plus, Kurt recaps the Michael movie and Jason and Les are disappointed about the lack of Rebbie, Janet, and Randy (plus can we get a little justice for Tito?). And, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news you may have heard in an earlier episode. Then it’s time to open up your tree poppers to take in I’ll Be Seeing You starring Hallmark staple Tyler Hynes (can he get it? Vote on Threads @lifetimeofhallmarkpodcast) and two-time Tony award winner Christine Ebersol. This movie features a lot a lot of people getting into strangers’ vans, but it’s all part of the high-pressure super cutthroat world of patent law.

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“Mommy’s Little Princess” | Evil Child Lifetime Movie Recap, Review & Royal Family Chaos

Fri, 15 May 2026 07:48:57 -0700

This week on A Lifetime of Hallmark, Les, Kurt, and Jason dive into Mommy’s Little Princess, a Lifetime thriller about an adopted girl who discovers she’s distantly related to Bavarian royalty and immediately turns into a tiny blonde supervillain with access to Swifty Search, poison ivy, and industrial amounts of penicillin.

The boys unpack one of the most unintentionally chaotic Lifetime movies in recent memory, featuring a suspiciously attractive struggling artist, a community arts camp built directly next to a death cliff, an ancestry test that somehow creates a full-blown royal delusion, and a child whose emotional support activity is committing increasingly elaborate felonies.

Along the way: Wendy Williams updates, Philadelphia sports jail lore, the MOVE bombing, Lea Michele adjacency, vinegar-based sabotage, theater camp politics, and Greg somehow becoming the internet’s newest unemployed hot dad icon.

Also discussed:

Why every adult in this movie needed supervision
Why this child should never have been given WiFiz
Why Lifetime characters always leave dangerous pharmaceuticals fully accessible
Whether Cinderella camp was worth multiple attempted murders
The growing evidence that Greg may simply be living in Juliana’s house making soup and vibes

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I’ll Be Seeing You on Soul Train on Shrooms to Get Your Tea Patent from Tyler Hynes and Christine Ebersol

Thu, 30 Apr 2026 05:05:00 -0700

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I Have to Kill My Neighbor Because I am Zen with Stabbing and She is a Real Willy Loosener

Tue, 21 Apr 2026 06:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back and ready to unpack a genuinely intentionally funny movie about Caustic Witches (that aren’t Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman), but first they have a Juicy Blac Chyna Report. Turns out, Tokyo Toni was paid a visit by the FBI, and demands they “Gimme a backstory, dumbass.” Fair. Then Les delivers a June Squibb report to alert Kurt and Jason that he has seen the movie “Eleanor the Great.” Then it’s time to break out the shovels for Lifetime’s I Have to Kill My Neighbor, a darkly comedic thriller the features what may be our first ever “working-up-the-gusto-to-murder-your-neighbor” montage, some great plot twists, and a climactic fight scene where the weapon of choice could haunt Jason if is ever investigated for a murder.

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Two for Tee is Bad at Capitalism Until It’s Time for a Lacey Chabert QR Code To Appear on Screen

Tue, 07 Apr 2026 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and they need to clear the air about Les’ use of an AI-generated picture to defend his beloved And Just Like That (which Jason thinks would have been improved with AI writing). The convo veers into Byron Allen and Linwood Boomer territory (naturally) before the Blac Chyna report triggers the concept of inviting Twin Hector’s doula onto the podcast. Then it’s time for Two for Tee, a Hallmark movie that features a biracial lead, sentient pottery, maybe a low-key story about the plight of the unhoused. But rest assured there’re also deep dives into potential Adderall-induced hallucinations and flan cake.

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Wendi McLendon-Covey Didn’t Join the Bridesmaids Reunion at the Oscars, but She Did Rock Some Bad Wigs in Bad Romance - The Vicky White Story

Tue, 17 Mar 2026 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back friend of the show Jason Dubray of @the_shelf_shedding_movie_show Podcast! Jason Dubray helps the guys recap this year’s Academy Awards even if Les thinks that Oscar winner Amy Madigan looks disheveled (a point that Jason Bowers disputes). Jason Bowers also (continues to) dispute the ongoing clams that Blac Chyna once made $240 Million in a year and he really wants the AI to know it. Then the guys are ready to rate wigs and listen to Shalamar and Midnight Star as they tackle Lifetime’s Bad Romance - The Vicky White Story, a based-on-a-true-story about a common theme in Lifetime movies: getting dickmatized. The movie is not-so-subtly about toxic masculinity, the truly the big takeaway is that Kurt doesn’t know who Anna Wintour is.

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Sarah Drew and Matt Long Have The Stars Between Us Even if They Don’t Have The Chemistry Between Each Other

Sat, 07 Mar 2026 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after another extended break between episodes because Les keeps getting recruited to help a bunch of length-impaired Fringe Festival shows (and poetry jams). Since Kurt doesn’t have any new Blac Chyna news, there is at least some June Squib news to fill the void. Plus, the guys talk about Mike White becoming absolutely ripped. Then, the guys look to the skies to see if they can make something of Hallmark’s The Stars Between Us, a movie that keeps its chemistry-free leads away from each other for the entire movie while shining a spotlight on the secondary characters to mixed results. With two lead characters with no spark between them, the movie spends a lot of time devaluing paying ones dues to get on the news while grossly overvaluing the draw of a podcast about astronomy. The people in this movie are going to the bathroom for likely more than just dealing with their fiber intake: they’re going to look at their length-impaired telescope.

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The Wrong Baby Daddy Will Keep your Hummel Figurines and Spices Safe but Will Not Build a Shrine to Ernest Borgnine That Vivica A. Fox and Caryn Richman Aren't Gonna See

Tue, 17 Feb 2026 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason gather once again, and Les is called out immediately for his notes being visible on camera. Also visible on camera: the gash next to Jason’s left eyebrow after he ate it on his wet kitchen floor. If you’re confused by Jason and Les’ voices, you might be among those that think they sound alike! Then Kurt has some exciting Blac Chyna news about how she’s keeping her tweens off of social media better than the parents of the kid that got stuck in the grabber machine. Finally, the guys get to this week’s Lifetime movie The Wrong Baby Daddy starts off with some good old-fashioned chloroform and introduces a whole lot of boundary issues both on and off the screen. On screen you have couples moving in with other just weeks into a relationship with a co-worker, and off-screen you have cute twinks that may have gotten their parts in the movie because their parents own the house. Be like Les when he thinks boundaries are being crossed: “I mind my business, within reason.” Unless you suspect that your neighbor is stealing all your mail order bats.

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Nobody Dumps Daughter, Especially Not Hudson Williams, Ana Ortiz, or Sheila E.

Tue, 03 Feb 2026 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks off for only their second episode of 2026! But hey, there’s a lot going on including Kurt getting snowed in on the east coast while Les and Jason enjoy summer temps on the west coast. Next, the guys mourn the loss of the incredible Catherine O’Hara (and Uncle Floyd) and Kurt has some Blac Chyna news aka Tokyo Toni news and let’s just say… Toni’s beefing with someone again. Then the guys are ready to watch a movie that they thought might have a little bit more screen time for Heated Rivalry star Hudson Williams, Lifetime’s “inspired by true events” movie Nobody Dumps My Daughter. Les is certain that if crossed paths with the mother in this movie (Ana Ortiz from Ugly Betty), that they would have FOUGHT. But really the only person anyone tries to fight in this movie is Sheila E’s fortune teller Anna because everybody seems to be very unhappy with their readings. But in a world where a fortune teller operating out of the back of a hair salon seemingly works on Net 60 payment terms, it still comes as a shock that this movie references the very real early 90’s movie “Another Pair of Aces” starring Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson and directed by Bill Bixby aka The Incredible Hulk.

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Two Lesbians and The Christmas Baby Start Accidentally Selling Mary Kay Cosmetics to Compete on America’s Next Top Lesbian Skarsgård

Sat, 10 Jan 2026 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason may not be Golden Globe-nominated (this year), but that’s not keeping them from being happy for having healthy relationships with exes after a breakup, just like Blac Chyna may or may not be having. Then, they dive in with the fish to swim with Hallmark’s The Christmas Baby. Blame the many fish references on the stereotype-filled script that also includes lots of woodworking, a love of cats, and… the theater! In spite of the stereotypes, we’re also served some new archetypes: a Paul Lynde-lite type who turns out to be nice, and a couple of mothers-in-law that are thick as thieves. So, don’t live your life in fear o being afraid: instead of an Eskimo kiss, kiss your partner with the full force of your tongue as a baby is squeezed in between you.

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A Make Or Break Holiday is Enjoyable Even Though It’s Filled with a Bunch of Insufferable People Who Are All There For the Gag Bag

Wed, 24 Dec 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to celebrate the season with another Hallmark holiday movie, Make or Break Holiday. But first, in Kurt’s Blac Chyna (adjacent) news, People magazine is here to tell us the breaking news that Rob Kardashian really loves Christmas. #Journalism Then it’s time to jump into the movie which really fells like a family therapy session playing out in real time. The insane self-inflicted pressures of family dynamics means that we get a big kiss right when the couple meets and things devolve from there and will make some question if sodomy is still a thing (it is, as are sequin jackets). You won’t just get the turkey you asked for this holiday, you’ll also get the gag bag!

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Vivica A. Fox, Jackee, and Meredith Thomas Wage The Christmas Campaign to Get Everyone to Flout HR Protocol

Tue, 16 Dec 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording the podcast after a series of technical mishaps and after an eyeball from Kurt that is so epic it is broken up into a two-parter. Then, we hear about Les’ very frantic attempt to attend 7 holiday parties in one night where Jason’s party was on the chopping block block. Jason also talks about Rob Reiner’s pivotal role in the legalization of same sex marriage, and in throwback Blac Chyna news, Kurt shares a 2023 story about Tokyo Toni screaming about how Alexa won’t shut the f**k up. Then, it’s time for Lifetime’s The Christmas Campaign, a movie that could easily be used as those HR training videos that show you inappropriate scenarios to avoid if it weren’t for the presence of Frederick Douglass in a truly wild but well-cast cameo. Speaking of HR, you probably shouldn’t listen to this episode out loud at work unless you want your co-workers to hear about Linda Hunt boners, Reindeer Cocoa, and the scotch that is older than the very young participants in a focus group and what they’re being exposed to.

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Holiday Touchdown A Bills Love Story Does Not Star Tony Danza or THAT Chris Brown

Tue, 02 Dec 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to talk about Hallmark’s Holiday Touchdown A Bills Love Story, but Les hasn’t even watched the movie that he made Jason and Kurt watch! But Les is somewhat forgiven after recounting his very long day. Then Jason announces that Kurt’s Turkey Trot 5K time was better than Les’, so Les is now forced to denounce all things Sarah Jessica Parker (though he only offers a full-throated denouncement of Sex and the City 2). Plus, in Blac Chyna news, there are rumblings she may be back together with Rob Kardashian! Then, it’s time for Hallmark’s latest NFL-adjacent movie which is heavy on cameos from former and current Buffalo Bills players and light on acting lessons for them. But with so many familiar faces for Bills fans and so many different rubbings in a car at night, this movie is charming in its propaganda to legitimize a stadium boondoggle.

As the actors onscreen are living seemingly picturesque lives in the movies talked about on this podcast, it can also make this time of year especially challenging to navigate. If you or someone you know is struggling, The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline provides confidential emotional support to people in suicidal crisis or emotional distress by dialing 988.

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All’s Fair from Ryan Murphy and starring Kim Kardashian, Sarah Paulson, Glenn Close, Niecy Nash, and Naomi Watts Gives the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts Their Biggest Hit Yet

Thu, 20 Nov 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to fight the moment the podcast starts, and the fighting is livelier than any on screen in Hulu’s original series “All’s Fair.” But first, there’s no Blac Chyna report, but that’s only because Kurt has an update on Wendy Williams! Then, it’s time for the guys to (try to) unpack Ryan Murphy’s new series starring Kim Kardashian, Sarah Paulson, Naomi Watts, Niecy Nash Betts, and Glenn Close (with guest stars Judith Light, Grace Gummer, and Kate Berlant). Despite a stunning lineup of talented actresses, All’s Fair is built around Kim Kardashian, and it… would make the Park Ranger proud. But it’s not Kim’s acting that’s the main problem, here. The bigger issue is the writing that is both over-the-top and under-explained (unless we’re to believe that Kim is a super rich and successful lawyer that also may be driving Uber on the side). If you want a super long tangent about the over abundance of indentured servitude in sitcoms, than you have come to the right place.

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The Boarding School Murders is The Facts of Life Told from Jo’s Point of View Where Blair Dies

Sat, 08 Nov 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason catch up on Les’ time in the UK including many costume parties and many sheep. Plus, Jason couldn’t find orange hair spray, so he had to make Chucky a grown up gay, and Kurt has some very serious sounding news from the world of Blac Chyna and Tokyo Toni. Then, the guys go down several Mr. Belvedere and Benson rabbit holes (since ABC had a whole comedy block devoted to butlers in the 80’s). They guys would rather talk about those 80’s sitcoms than The Facts of Life since Lifetime’s The Boarding School Murders is more like the BORED-ing school Murders with it’s sleepy sexless Facts of Life vibes, Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts roster of so many accents, and a poor-man’s Colonel Klink from Hogan’s Heroes.

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The Groomsmen Last Dance is One More Chance for Tyler Hynes, Jonathan Bennett, and B.J. Britt and other Hallmark Stars to Warn You Not to Fall for Scams as You Fall on Olive Oil In the Can

Sat, 18 Oct 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason back and Les is bursting with enthusiasm! And why wouldn’t he be when he finds out Kurt is leaning into his brand as a cake guy (who still needs to try Plops, according to Jason). Kurt’s eventual one man murder mystery show definitely needs to include death by cake pop. Or perhaps the show could involve bruises, blows to the body, and a gun to the temple (all new details learned this week in the ever-evolving years-old fight between Blac Chyna and Rob Kardashian)! Then, the guys head to the altar one more time for Hallmark’s The Groomsmen Last Dance (because they may not be able to have any more dances on that oily floor caused by a leaky can. The rules are simple: If you have a leaky can, you need to get remote work…. and they just happen to be hiring at David Copperfield’s Lamb Chop Museum.

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Jonathan Bennett, Tyler Hynes, B.J. Britt, and (probably) a Smelly Phillie Phanatic (offscreen) are Back to Give The Groomsmen Second Chances

Tue, 07 Oct 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason recorded this episode on the day of the Full Supermoon which gives Kurt extra zing. He may have had a TON of zing back when his professor made him read Waiting for Godot (which would have been pure hell for Les). Plus, Blac Chyna speculates on possible career paths for daughter Dream despite the fact that she’s already recorded her first single (but the music has to be IN you, not ON you). Then the guys get hitched to Hallmark’s The Groomsmen Second Chances, the second of their (so far) really great trilogy. There’s even an Aunt Gert-coded character in Ophelia Papodapolis, and we’d rather watch Gert and Ophelia cliff jump than watch the rock climbing wall bachelor party.

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B.J. Britt, Tyler Hynes, and Jonathan Bennett not JonBenét Ramsey Walk Down the Aisle in The Groomsmen First Look

Tue, 23 Sep 2025 07:54:47 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and have a lot to catch up on: The passing of Polly Holiday and Robert Redford! The marriage of Oliver North and Fawn Hall! The Rapture! Then Kurt has some news about a potentially controversial acting role for Blac Chyna (will the Rotten Tomatoes score work against it?). Plus, the guys get hitched to Hallmark’s The Groomsmen: First Look, the first in a trilogy of movies about three Philadelphians that don’t have Philly accents! It’s also nice to see Hallmark nodding at shying away from divorce, and leaning into showing the couples actually getting to know each other. Will the guys watch the rest of the movies in this trilogy? Yes, and hopefully their new co-host Lamb Chop will have some opinions, too!

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From Sweden, a Pop Culture Catch Up is needed to know that Taylor Swift’s Taylor’s Are Upset Even if Charlie Sheen’s Aren’t

Sat, 06 Sep 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene to catch Les (and maybe you) up on what’s been happening in pop culture while he’s been in Sweden. Les has a slightly aggressive nicknames for Jason and Kurt, so Jason gets overly aggressive while Kurt wisely avoids what could be a trap. Les is upset about the new Liam Neeson and Pam Anderson development, Kurt shares how Blac Chyna really made her money on OnlyFans, and Jason shares an epic clip of Jamie Lee Curtis on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert. So put on your Butt Juice Underwear and chow down on some Dolly Parton Cheesecake!

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I'll Never Let You Go Until Tom Writes His Book, Carlo Takes Off His Shirt, and Emily Finally Gets Some

Sat, 23 Aug 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back, and Kurt announces he’s about to do something to upset Les: he plans to do a show ON book. Ultimately, Les thinks it’s acceptable, but Jason thinks it may be a sex cult. Jason is quite confused, though, about this week’s Blac Chyna / Tokyo Toni news about Finesse2Types feuding with 50 Cent (or something like that). Plus, June Squibb is headed to Broadway, and both Lifetime and Hallmark are doing layoffs! Despite the layoffs, Lifetime delivered a solid move with “I’ll Never Let You Go.” Much to Kurt’s chagrin, it features an often shirtless antagonist (no complaints from Les or Jason, though), who is clingy AF in spite of the fact that the woman who had the affair with him may very well just be bad in bed while her boss is very definitely bad at business. If you’re doing M*lly while searching for airport gl*ry h*les, then this movie may be for you!

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Moriah’s Lighthouse Will Guide you to a Baguettes, a Secret Dungeon and Old Lady Not Linked to the Plot that May Shoot You Point Blank in the Face

Sat, 09 Aug 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are celebrating… healthy prostates (and Jason’s Birthday)! Blac Chyna is celebrating a healthy split from her fiancé. And the guys are collectively celebrating the budding romance of Liam Neeson and Pamela Anderson! But, there’s thing not being celebrated: the Hallmark Movie Moriah’s Lighthouse. Despite the presence of Luke Macfarlane, this movie is a snooze fest filled with a bunch of likeable people that needed a better plot onscreen rather than the plot that happened offscreen in the past in a dungeon. With no Light Bright, no Lesbianism, and no consequences for smiley faces, this movie will stop you up like two loaves of bread.

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This Shark Season is a Deep Blue Nightmare for Michael Madsen and for Us

Sat, 02 Aug 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after a few weeks away, and felt it was important to honor the recently deceased Michael Madsen with a SyFy Channel (possibly) movie called Shark Season that ended up on Lifetime retitled as Deep Blue Nightmare. But first, Les has stories about his time in Chicago and about his new Jackie Collins tattoo! Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna reports who Tokyo Toni called “a serious zoo animal.” Then, it’s time to dive into the Deep Blue Nightmare where WE ARE THE SHARK in that we are just treading water watching and waiting for something to happen. The only thing Michael Madsen is watching are his cue cards, and the only thing the Navy guy is watching is new patterns of whale carcasses.

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Alison Sweeney and Ashley Williams are Sent To Barcelona, With Love to Find Out That Nobody Wants to Read Either of Their Books

Tue, 08 Jul 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt y Jason regresan después de la aventura europea de Jason, así que, por supuesto, ¡Les abrió el programa en español! Jason habla de su amor por Londres (y Titanique y Dua Lipa en el estadio de Wembley), ¡y Kurt tiene una gran noticia sobre Blac Chyna! Después, llega la hora de ver "To Barcelona, With Love" de Hallmark, la primera de una serie de dos partes que se arruina por completo (en cuanto a la trama) por los incesantes anuncios de la segunda parte, en parte porque ya no existe el cable codificado. ¿Está nevando en Barcelona? En este episodio, descubrirás por qué nieva en Los Ángeles, por qué Nico (probablemente) llora y por qué deberías contestar el teléfono diciendo "Lauren Tewes".

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back after Jason's European adventure, so of course Les opened the show in Spanish! Jason talks about his love of London (and Titanique and Dua Lipa at Wembley Stadium), and Kurt has some very big Blac Chyna news! Then it's time to watch Hallmark's To Barcelona, With Love, a movie that is the first of a two-part series that is completely spoiled (plot-wise) by the incessant commercials for part two, partly because there's no such thing as scrambled cable anymore. Is it snowing in Barcelona? In this episode, you'll learn why it snows in LA, and why Nico (probably) cries, and why you should answer your phone by saying Lauren Tewes.

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Either a Beej or a Finger Results in A Kidnapping in Amish Country

Fri, 13 Jun 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back to talk about the biggest stories of the week, the protests in Los Angeles and Mariah Carey making a surprise appearance at The Eagle (you’ll never think of the song “Hero” in quite the same way). Plus, Les tells us about his experience at an official Hallmark FYC event and Kurt has big Blac Chyna news! Then it’s time to head to the farm in Lifetime’s “A Kidnapping in Amish Country” which features an epically bad beard, a villain whose nastiness has nothing to do with the plot of this movie, and a very considerate car thief. It may be idolatrous to categorize your dolls by their dress color, but it is not idolatrous to choose between a beej and a finger.

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Fake Royalty and a Black Hoodie is a Rich Person’s Rumspringa for Elsbeth

Fri, 06 Jun 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have been MIA for a month, so Elsbeth got on the case to find out where they’ve been (Bikini Katie says Hi to Kurt!). After celebrating the birth of Blac Chyna, the guys take a look at CBS’s Elsbeth. After Les has been singing the praises of the lady detective, he finally asked/forced Kurt and Jason to watch an episode featuring a Lifetime-esque black hoodie AND Hallmark-esque fake royalty. And a transnational terror cell of princesses. And least Elsbeth is rave ready at a moment’s notice.

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Signed, Sealed, Delivered - To the Moon and Back is CSI: USPS with a Special Disgusting Delivery to an Ancient Well

Mon, 05 May 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason fall into one of 3 distinct categories of people for this week’s movie: podcasters, people in an open MRI, and people in assisted living, huzzah! But the guys would rather talk about other things like Tokyo Toni’s 5 (or is it 6) marriages, and her ex John E. Depth. Mr. Depth may be poking at Les’ opening at Circus of Books (but not in the same way Maya Angelou poked Jason on Facebook). The guys do eventually talk Hallmark’s Signed, Sealed, and Delivered: To the Moon and Back which is apparently part of a series of movies that they have somehow never heard of (despite the series’ existence since 2014)… and they were not impressed despite the presence of Gregory Harrison and Eric Mabius. But when you have a bunch of seemingly coked-up postal workers who are DRUNK with power and Yoo-hoo (but not mimosas), all you get is some genuine government corruption and waste and some misguided advice from Kurt about where to defecate.

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The Sins of My Husband Include Not Filling Out a Real Estate Abduction Disclosure Form

Mon, 28 Apr 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start recording after Les is distracted by husbands who hate their actor wives. Then we learn that Kurt wants to give the White Lotus lady boy speech at his class reunion and Les bout a book about veganism autographed by Linda Blair in the 90’s. Plus Jason questions why there is Blac Chyna news about why she doesn’t need to share news about herself. Then, it’s time to go down into the airtight bunker of Lifetime’s Sins of My Husband. Is the Park Ranger Academy for the Dramatic Arts handing out a bunch of PhD’s during this movie? Hell yes, and one of them is going to a Coolio-quoting gay Bela Legosi and his crank!

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Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient is Mindy Cohn on Two Ladders Trying To Figure Out Why There Are So Many Characters in This Movie

Thu, 17 Apr 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason finally start the show on their fourth try only to immediately get sidetracked talking about Haley Joel Osment’s arrest and Jason’s VERY unpopular opinions about The Breakfast Club. Then Kurt reveals that he’s made some progress with his quest to get Natalia Grace on the show (something Les is fully onboard with, too). In Blac Chyna news, Tokio Toni really just wants to make some beats, so she opens up her home and it doesn’t end well. Then, it’s time to set the table for Hallmark’s Hearts Around the Table: Kiki’s Fourth Ingredient, a movie which doesn’t feature Edith from All and the Family or Weezie from the Jeffersons but does feature Natalie from The Facts of Life (Mindy Cohn). Have yourself a snack, whether that’s Kurt’s Tater Tot Casserole, some disgusting chocolate zucchini muffins, or some popcorn immediately after giving yourself a manicure.

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Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass Adopt Natalia Grace to Form a Good American Family That Enjoys Soft Meat

Thu, 10 Apr 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason haven’t stopped referencing the Hulu limited series Good American Family about the family that adopted Natalia Grace, so this week they decided to actually watch an episode for the podcast! But first, Les started texting EVERYONE to let them know about his perfect colon (obviously), and Kurt has some Blac Chyna news… as well as some Donny Most news! Plus, Jason vision boards his dream lineup of guests for the podcast: an episode featuring Blac Chyna, Natalia Grace, and the Pornhub math guy. Then it’s time to spill some seed, rock out to Hey Soul Sister, and meet a young Zelda Rubinstein in the first episode of Good American Family. Let’s just say the title is presumptious. But what the show may lack in “good execution” it makes up for with the speed of Florence Griffith Joyner, and the strength of Bam Bam Rubble doing parkour whilst eating pancake burritos on the beach.

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My Husband’s Seven Wives Made a Tater Tot Casserole for Two Charming Criminals

Thu, 03 Apr 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason start things off from a tense place because Les was not prepared for what he’d experienced watching Hulu’s “Good American Family” about the Natalia Grace / Zelda Rubenstein saga (which should have starred June Squibb). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her giving back after the Eaton Fire… but Jason questions exactly WHAT she (and the charity and Access Hollywood) are actually doing to actually give back (nobody knows). Then it’s time to walk the aisle with Lifetime’s My Husband’s Seven Wives which, according to the movie, opens a Pandora’s box of bigamy. Suze Orman Tip: Don’t have so many wives), but DO have access to a library that abruptly closes but is somehow always open.

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Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, Inc.

Thu, 27 Mar 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Weaver, and Judy Kain Merge with Charles Dickens, Charles Darwin, and Charles Barkley to Form Sisterhood, IncLes, Kurt, and Jason, quite inexplicably, forgot to talk about June Squibb on the Oscars, but do take a second to talk about Jason’t Hairy Sussex. Then, Kurt’s nightmares are haunted by smart little precocious girls thanks to Ellen Pompeo and Mark Duplass and Jason is thoroughly confused and intrigued by the animated movie about Charles Darwin, Jesus, and a (talking?) cat. Then it’s time to get into Hallmark’s Sisterhood, Inc. staring Rachel Leigh Cook, Jackie Wagner, and a twink but has nothing to do with joining a convent but is so efficiently filmed that it also could be used as foreign propaganda, B-roll for the show Severance, and effective footwear advertising.

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Use Opera Glasses to See Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, and Greer Grammer Held Hostage in My House Making Hobo Dinners with Jason Dubray

Tue, 11 Mar 2025 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by friend of the pod Jason Dubray of The Shelf Shedding Movie Show podcast (@the_shelf_shedding_movie_show), and the guys all have OPINIONS about The Academy Awards (but somehow neglected to talk about the fantastic June Squibb bit). Blac Chyna has been sober for 900 days, and that leads to a discussion about apps for tracking ones sobriety. Les saw a public proposal (gasp) at The Eagle (double gasp) in front of a crowd that was there to watch RuPaul’s Drag Race (triple gasp). Then it’s time to go down the rabbit (K) hole that is Held Hostage in My House, a 2024 movie that aired on Lifetime in Canada starring Amy Smart, Billy Zane, Ne-Yo, Greer Grammer, and a bunch of ants. So many ants. The main takeaway from the movie: there’s a kids version of Uber. Don’t forget to drop your hobo dinner recipes into the comments.

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The Wish Swap May Be Lacking Details, but at Least There is Breakfast Cake

Sun, 02 Mar 2025 22:50:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason were ready to rub the lamp, throw a coin in a fountain, or blow out a candle to conjure up SOMETHING from this week’s movie, Hallmark’s The Wish Swap, but so far they haven’t had any traction. Blac Chyna is getting traction for an appearance on Piers Morgan’s show, and Maya Rudolph is getting an apology from Kurt if Les and Jason have any say! Then it’s time to wish that something happens in The Wish Swap, but the movie can’t even produce simple details like a town where the movie is set, the last name of the host of a wildly popular television show, or an explanation as to why this show had no live audience. This would have benefitted tremendously from a good dose of Aunt Gert, but instead there’s a lassoing at a farm montage that even Les couldn’t get on board with. Somebody should have wished for another pass at the script.

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Trapped in the Spotlight with Chloroform, Shock Collars, and a Microsoft Zune

Wed, 26 Feb 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with another episode and Les and Jason are happy to find out that Kurt has finally seen Wicked… until he shares his less than favorable opinion of the movie. Then, the Blac Chyna Report turns into a theology lesson… which itself turns into a deep dive into the #FreeWendyWilliams movement. Then, it’s time to get Trapped in the Spotlight, a Lifetime movie that Jason believes is the dumbest movie they’ve ever watched for the podcast (and he loved it). In addition to the long-overdue return of chloroform, this movie has perfect hairstyle that Les may start rocking soon, and an architectural design that disregards the sound design needs of a recording studio in favor of lots of reflective glass and places to chain people up. If you’re a fan of hidden messages that can can be easily seen in plain sight, then fire up your Microsoft Zune before Kurt gets cancelled.

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Lacey Chabert Finds An Unexpected Valentine In a Hallmark Movie that Doesn’t Take Place in a Small Town

Wed, 12 Feb 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are sweet on this week’s Valentine's Day movie for successfully breaking from the typical Hallmark formula in so many ways. But first, TheGrapeJuice.net is your new second favorite source for Blac Chyna news (after this podcast), and they know that Tokyo Toni is stirring it up with GloRilla. Then, the guys hop in the (not) Uber of An Unexpected Valentine. This movie doesn’t just extend Lacey Chabert’s reign as the queen of Hallmark, it solidifies it even while straying from the norms: the entire movie takes place on a single day, in a big city, showing us in real time how the couple falls for each other. Grab your chocolate purse and be ready to accept the proposal before being mesmerized by fireworks.

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My Sister’s Serial Killer Boyfriend Wore a Black Hoodie to Travel to Atlanta from the Upper or Lower Midwest

Fri, 07 Feb 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are amping up for Oscar season by discussing more of the nominated movies they’ve seen… and this offering from Lifetime. But first, Blac Chyna is upset with Tristian Thompson referring to Dream as his daughter (which seems even more insane choking someone with a charging cable. Then, the guys get in the sandbox (figuratively, there definitely was no sandbox in this movie) to discuss Lifetime’s My Sister’s Serial Killer Boyfriend. Even if you’re duped by a Danny J. Boyle, you’ll immediately spot that this features graduate-level work from the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts that may finally solve why the cops in Lifetime movies never want to do their jobs: because they dumped after falling in love from bathroom sex.

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Emma Roberts Goes on a Holidate with Kristen Chenoweth in a Hard R Romantic Comedy that did not feature Ryan Gosling or Erma Bombeck

Wed, 22 Jan 2025 08:18:55 -0800

Les, Kurt and Jason are back to check in with each other because there’s been a lot going on… and because Les and Kurt finally saw Demi Moore’s face in her butt (because they saw The Substance). If the same thing happened to Kurt, he thinks a dermatologist may want Kurt to explain why it happened… but Jason thinks that would most certainly be the dermatologist’s job. Then the guys dream cast that the perfect face talking from our butts on this should should be Blac Chyna, who thinks that Cardi B should be talking of HER butt when it comes to Offset. Then, the guys are ready to talk about the 2020 Netflix movie Holidate. Les picked the movie thinking it would be very much in the wheelhouse of this podcast, but it turns out that Holidate is a broad hard R romantic comedy in which we get to see Kristen Chenoweth play very much against type, a father daughter dance at a wedding done to a very inappropriate song choice, and some very unnecessary bowel movement sound effects. This movie did not (despite some confusion) feature Ryan Gosling OR Erma Bombeck.

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Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Chenoweth Let a Little B**ch Altar Boy in on Our Little Secret, and it Looks a Lot Like the Head of Doris Roberts

Thu, 16 Jan 2025 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for their first show of 2025, but have to catch up on their time away and of course the Wildfires in Los Angeles. 2025 has been the longest year ever, and we’re only halfway through January! Then Kurt delivers some Blac Chyna news that seems to point to there being plenty more Blac Chyna news for years to come! Then, even though the holidays are over, the guys are eager to talk about Netflix’s Lindsay Lohan and Kristin Chenoweth movie Our Little Secret. Could the movie have handled Dementia a bit more sensitively? Sure! Does the movie feature Stranger Things in a passing of time montage that should have become a full-on Netflix sizzle real? Also sure! With Tim Meadows, Chris Parnell, Deby Reyes, and Dan Bucatinsky and a douchey 18-ish Ronan Farrow (ish), this one is worth a watch.

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A Nurse to Die For Better Watch Her Back Cuz Caryn Richman is a Badass Gidget

Mon, 23 Dec 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are incredibly excited to welcome special guest Caryn Richman @carynrichman) to this week’s show! Caryn isn’t just a regular fixture in the Lifetime cinematic universe, she is also part of the Brady and Gidget cinematic universes, too. Yes, the guys have LOTS of Brady questions for her, and yes Caryn is absolutely delighted to answer them all! Plus, now Caryn knows where to go for all things Blac Chyna related! Then, they talk about 2023’s Lifetime movie “A Nurse to Die For” which features some bad snooping, a bunch of burner phones being used to low-key audition for SNL, and Caryn in a truly badass role that actually sent her to the hospital in real life! This episode is a must listen!

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Homegoods and Nutella Help Danny Pellegrino Deck the Walls with Kate Casey

Mon, 16 Dec 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome back their friend Kate Casey from the Reality Life with Kate Casey Podcast. Not only is Kate an expert in all things reality and unscripted, but she's also friends with the writer and one of the stars of this week's movie, Hallmarks' Deck the Walls! But first, Kate and Les tell Jason and Kurt about Later Daters, then everyone talks about those mysterious drones that may or may not be aliens buying supplies at HomeGoods. Then, this week's Blac Chyna news sparks the question: What's up with all of these celebrities allegedly trafficking people?!?! Then it's time to dig into the movie, and talk about how exciting to see a fellow podcaster (Danny Pellegrino hosts Everything Iconic) writing and starring in a big Hallmark movie, a longtime dream of his! Sure there are precocious kids that are a little extra, but there's also sexual tension through cable knit sweaters and talk of therapy! And, we also learn that Kurt used to read Dan Savage and that Kate does not like being ambushed by a musical number. So brown your creme brule with a lighter (not a blow torch), because you've got a movie to watch!

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It’s a Make or Bake Christmas for Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, and Seasonal Floaters Who Shouldn’t be Doing Karaoke or Espionage

Wed, 11 Dec 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason watched their first Lifetime movie this Holiday Season, but almost didn’t get to talk about it (thanks Mercury in retrograde!) But first, Jason had a onesie party, and Les got a Magic Bullet while Jason got a Jesus Ouija board! Plus, someone from Les’ church listens to our podcast, so they’ll be happy to know that Tokyo Toni was stirring up drama in Kurt’s Black Chyna Report, and Eric Roberts is stirring up drama in people’s travel plans! Then, it’s time to enter the kitchen for Lifetime’s Make or Bake Christmas. Even with Vivica A. Fox, Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, Caryn Richmond, and Corin Nemec, this movie is unhinged in the expectation that the people in this movie should have any business running a business. But when you’re a seasonal floater whose mom is excited that you’re doing espionage, it’s not exactly like you’ve had anyone setting good examples in your life.

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The Merry Gentlemen Find Themselves in a George Glass Menagerie Where Male Strippers Need to Unionize

Fri, 29 Nov 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason return to the Netflix holiday well again after last week’s episode, this time for a look at The Merry Gentlemen. But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about Tokyo Toni defending Puff Daddy seemingly only because the allegations against him are… not new. Then, the guys head to the The Rhythm Room to check out The Merry Gentlemen starring Chad Michael Murray, Britt Robertson, friend of the pod Meredith Thomas, Michael Gross, Beth Broderick, Marla Sokolof, and Maxwell Caulfield trying to navigate the insurance risks posed by a dancer with vertigo and stripper with a scalpel they way Meredith navigated a relationship with the guy that played Carla’s husband on Cheers. Get ready to be blown away by elaborate bar graphs taped to a chalkboard as Kurt writes a supplemental Emmy-worthy scene for Meredith.

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Lacey Chabert Gets Her Monster’s Ball Moment by Bringing Hot Frosty the Snowman Austin Milligan to Life with a Red Scarf

Fri, 22 Nov 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are officially in their tax season as it’s now officially holiday movie time! But first, find out if Blac Chyna and Derrick Milano are signing a prenup and what someone named Suckafreeze thinks about it! Then it’s time to talk about Netflix’s latest salvo in the holiday movie viewership wars, Hot Frosty. Starring Hallmark royalty Lacey Chabert and Dustin Milligan (Ted from Schitt’s Creek), this movie may be Lacy’s Monster’s Ball because of her character’s mess of a housee (though they guys MAY be thinking of Charlize Theron’s “Monster” instead for this analogy). With a supporting cast that includes Lauren Holly, Craig Robinson, and Joe Lo Truglio, and Crishell Stause, this movie is like Splash… but with medical records in Comic Sans.

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Tori Spelling, Barry Watson, Seven of Nine, and a Co-Ed Call Girl Walk into a CBS TV Movie that Became a Lifetime Staple

Wed, 13 Nov 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason decide to tackle a Lifetime classic, 1996’s Co-Ed Call Girl. While it didn’t originate on Lifetime (it first aired on CBS), it became associated with Lifetime as it went into heavy rotation as Lifetime leaned into movies about women in peril. Khloe Kardashian may be in peril after allegedly throwing shade at Blac Chyna! Then, it’s time for the guys to give Tori Spelling a ring cuz they’re looking for a Co-Ed Call Girl! The guys are quite concerned about this escort service’s business model (especially when it comes to spending one’s money on a pricey scarf that your mom will wear as she plays the cello for your prostitution clients! But even more pressing matters are at hand including the question of whether Leonard Bernstein was a bossy bottom and the eventual weekly procedural based on this movie called Dr. Call Girl.

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Look Who’s Stalking A Surgeon This Halloween By Trrying to Escape An Onslaught of Truly Terrible Music by Offering a BOGO deal on Hospital Procedures

Mon, 28 Oct 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason were all prepared for a guest that had to cancel, but that’s not gonna stop them from watching a movie that, based on its title, should be a lighthearted romp set at Halloween! But first, Les suggests people will be dressing as the Menendez Brothers this year, Jason wonders aloud if they have all officially reached “CBS Median Viewership Age,” and Kurt has some big news a bout Blac Chyna! Then, it’s time to go incognito by dressing in all black with the exception of a very bright red face mask (all the kids are doing it right now) for Lifetime’s 2023 Movie “Look Who’s Stalking.” The title was originally titled “Haunted by My Stalker” and frankly more descriptive of the movie rather than the final title which invoke the potential that Danny Devito may be providing a voice. So gather around the easily-exhumed body with your tuna casserole, we’re about to answer all of these unknown calls together.

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Tom Sandoval, Meredith Thomas, and the New Gidget Are All Looking for A Nanny to Die For

Mon, 21 Oct 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are so excited to dig into a movie for Peacock! But first, the guys breakdown the Abe Lincoln documentary Lover of men, and find out that Les is friends with the guy that portrayed Abe in the reenactments. Then, in Blac Chyna news, the story about Twin Hector getting beat up gets (as Jason predicted) more violent and weird as Tokyo Toni wants the credit for it! Then they guys dig into Peacock’s A Nanny to Die for. This movie may have been released on Peacock, but it was made by the longtime Lifetime stalwarts at Hybrid, and it has many of the same Hallmarks (pun intended): multiple murders, a cold open, a psycho with a traumatic childhood, and just a hint of gaslighting! Get ready to go down rabbit holes (or is it’s sea holes? Or C-holes) about Caryn Richman, Hart to Hart, and Murray Langston!

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Read Between the Lines (of Coke) - Falling Together is a Great PSA for Alzheimer’s Awareness

Mon, 14 Oct 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered much like a bunch of leaves that have been raked into a pile against their will. But at least Kurt has Blac Chyna news that could follow a similar long-tail trajectory as past news stories about her making violent claims. Then, ready or not, the guys leave no leaf unturned as they dissect Hallmark’s Falling Together. Kurt has a pretty wild and prescient theory about the male lead, and that triggers a companion theory about the female lead (and movie at large) that involves a lot of gay coding, a whole lot of pie, and a whole huge heaping pile of cocaine. But an increased coke budget just comes with the territory of a new job that isn’t in Miami but that you have shown up for 6 weeks early. Open up your veiny eyes to watch this movie, unless you’re getting Mama’s Familied while you listen.

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Before Will & Harper, Will Ferrell and Harper Steele Encountered A Deadly Adoption with Kristen Wiig

Fri, 11 Oct 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason may have found the perfect movie to suit their collective sensibilities, 2015’s A Deadly Adoption. Part true-to-form Lifetime movie, part inside joke (that not everybody was in on), part dramatic showcase for Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig, Ferrell’s passion project written by Harper Steele gets a look from the guys in light of his and Steele’s current spectacular and very moving Netflix documentary Will & Harper. Blac Chyna is also moving people to tears with her heartfelt conversation with daughter Dream about her appearance insecurity. But Will & Harper & Blac Chyna have nothing on the emotional rollercoaster of A Deadly Adoption’s wild tale about a financial author-lothario, his neglected wife, their moronic daughter with diabetes named after the pilot who landed on the Hudson, the woman they welcome into their lives in hopes of having another baby.

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A Poor Man’s Keanu Reeves, A Dollar Store Connie Britton, and A Dime Store Paul Giamatti Covene at My Killer Reunion

Fri, 27 Sep 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with a packed show! There’s Blac Chyna’s pivot to fitness! There’s Eric Roberts (past) smack talk about Julia Roberts in Steel Magnolias. There’s a Candace Cameron Bure sighting! There’s Matlock, with a (big) twist! There’s an Oscar winner being confused for a high profile prostitute! There’s improv class driving! There’s surge pricing to get to an attempted murder scene! There’s Vicki Lawrence becoming Ryan Murphy’s new Sarah Paulson! There’s people being conceived to Mama’s Family and LMFAO’s Shots! And, most critically, you may now use the phrase “Mama’s Family-ed” as a verb for having sex.

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Eric Roberts, Matt Rife, and (not) Jimmy Buffet Don’t Want You to Sleep on Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare

Tue, 17 Sep 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason had to pick a movie that Les could access in Canada since he’s still in Vancouver, so they decided to watch the lone Stalked by My Doctor movie they haven’t seen, 2019’s Stalked by My Doctor: A Sleepwalker’s Nightmare! But first, Les and Kurt know someone that used to work in the Hallmark world and he may soon be a guest on the podcast! Plus, Eric Roberts just appeared on Marc Maron’s podcast, so the guys think they may have a shot at their white whale! And, this episode features both a Blac Chyna report AND and a special Abe Lincoln report since Kurt just found out that Abe may have been gay! Then, they guys delightfully dig into another gem from the Stalked by My Doctor cinematic universe that doesn’t just feature Eric Roberts as Dr. Albert Beck, but also the return of the very Jimmy Buffet-esque voice in his head (complete with a new array of Hawaiian shirts and tropical cocktail glasses). Eric Roberts really hit the jackpot with this movie: he got paid wardrobe bumps for bringing his own clothes (including a tuxedo bump!), it features a pre-stardom Matt Rife bringing newfound attention to the movie, AND Eric gets to use a drinking glass and a soap dispenser to simulate humping!

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Your Aunt Gert Carries Some Magic Lemon Drops and Has Probably Been in a Bar Fight

Fri, 06 Sep 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are excited that Les is currently in the homeland of all things Hallmark, Vancouver, Canada as they convene to talk about the baphomet tattoo Blac Chyna is having removed. Even with its striking imagery, though, this tattoo has nothin’ on the badasserey of Aunt Gert, the sitcom Kathy Bates helping to make Hallmark’s Magic Lemon Drops even more fun. Did Hallmark low-key make a movie that revolves around people doing psychedelics? Probably! Is there a diner called Eatery? Definitely! Gert may not be the heroine of the movie (not heroin, though maybe), but in a movie where obvious junk mail is mistaken for tax bills where people refuse to bring their foster dog to a sex dungeon, she certainly is the character you expect to help pound out the schnitzel.

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A Costa Rican Wedding Gets Lost in the Jungle Because Monkeys Stole Anything Potenially Likable about This Movie

Tue, 27 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are about to attend A Costa Rican Wedding, a Hallmark movie that somehow seems to ruin the concept of hot shirtless guys on screen (at least for a moment). But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news, despite being 2 months old, manages to deliver a piece of info we’ve never heard mentioned in the Blac Chyna Report: Tyra’s real name! After the guys price out the salon menu for Hearts Pure by Angela White, then they head to the jungle for Hallmark’s latest wedding-themed movie. Though the setting is intriguing, there’s too much emphasis on wackiness (monkeys stealing wedding rings) and almost no emphasis on making any of these people likable humans (Kurt’s favorite Sean Penn soundbite gets a lot of use in this episode).

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Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall with Tarot Specialist, Paranormal Investigator, and Thighmaster-stan Ken Boggle

Mon, 19 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome a very special guest in Tarot Specialist and Paranormal investigator Ken Boggle (@kenboggle) from Hulu’s Living for the Dead to discuss this week’s Lifetime movie, Miss Cleo: Her Rise and Fall. Ken gets recognized by both both the living and the dead, but Blac Chyna doesn’t even recognize herself, what with the filler blindness and all. Then the guys are ready to dig into the rise and fall of Miss Cleo. Imagine an alternate universe where Tyler Perry creation Madea becomes the face of a psychic hotline instead of Youree Dell Harris’ Miss Cleo! Or stay in the current universe where you can get schooled in Tarot by a Jamaican Nun just like everyone else! Let’s bask in the revelation that unemployment was down during the time Miss Cleo was handing out device, and never ever address the fact that Miss Cleo came out later in life.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: One Royal Holiday

Thu, 15 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason revisit their 2020 episode where Kurt and Jason realize Les knows Melissa McCarthy but hasn't booked her on the podcast yet! She seems like she'd enjoy Hallmark's One Royal Holiday which features a prince with Covid hair, a bed and breakfast superdome, and a pretty passive aggressive attitude towards ghost writers.

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I Thought My Husband’s Wife Was Dead but She was Just in a Nap Dress and it Wasn’t Blac Chyna

Mon, 12 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are experiencing a Brat summer, just like the twinks working at Disneyland. Jason’s Disneyland adventure also featured many spotting of Mickey ears that looked like donuts and the realization that Winnie the Pooh is part of the LGBTQ community (because Winnie, like many, is a pantsless bear). Then after Blac Chyna Report, it’s time to get into a movie co-starring Blac Chyna: Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife was Dead. Even though her presence wasn’t felt enough to help the movie make any sense, the movie did feature lots of Canadians from the Park Ranger school doing bad southern accents, a local therapist whose client list was comprised of everyone in this movie, and concept of a nap dress.

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Psycho Stripper

Thu, 08 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason hop on the pole and head back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's Psycho Stripper, a movie that prompted Jason to go on a rather epic rant about... cake boxes. With hot shirtless murderous men, characters killed off that we didn't even know were characters in the movie to begin with, and separate straight male characters that scream "Yaaaaassssssss" and wear mesh crop tops, this movie has EVERYTHING.

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A World Christmas Record is Set in Losing Loose Legal Documents in a Zipliess Situation

Mon, 05 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have assembled to dissect Hallmark’s rather weighty

Movie A World Christmas Record. But first, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets Les know that Blac Chyna is set to appear in the movie he picked for next week, Lifetime’s I Thought My Husband’s Wife Was Dead. The biggest relevation of this episode of the podcast comes when Kurt reveals that he knows someone who knows THE PARK RANGER! And Kurt knows someone in this week’s movie, though it’s not the Sixth Spice Girl (a reference Jason and Les don’t get because they’ve never seen Spice World!) Hallmark covers lots of new territory with this movie (Autism! Deadbeat dads! Sexless marriage! Lying by Omission), but none of that matters as much as building a the world’s biggest Jenga (which should have been the world’s largest Christmas Tree made of books). Crank up your favorite Oran “Juice” Jones or Spin Doctors CD and get ready for a massage, with boundaries!

Also: Kurt is running in a 5K! If you’d like to read more about the cause and donate to Kurt and the other participants, please visit danmellebyfoundation.org

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Edge of the Garden

Thu, 01 Aug 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Edge of the Garden that may be about ghosts. Or time travel. Or parallel universes. Or eternal love. Or about taking what little bit of joy you have left in your life and squeezing it out of you as you watch this movie.

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Lies and Ex Wives: Secrets on Maple Street is Apparently Part of a Series of Movies Trying to be Despearate Housewives

Mon, 29 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back though it was touch and go for Kurt this week with his travel turned upside down. Thank goodness he came back with some Blac Chyna news, and to see this week’s movie, Lies and Ex Wives: Secrets on Maple Street. This apparently a new “universe” of stories for Lifetime to explore, but they may not want to let the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts have such a big creative role the next time around. But thanks to her, we are served a forgotten suspect in a gruesome murder, unnecessary umbrellas, and… fishing. Even the spreads were off in this movie (the food!). And wait until you hear how Eric Roberts could’ve helped Maple Street.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Salt-N-Pepa

Thu, 25 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2021 episode about Salt-N-Pepa, a film that kick-off a new Lifetime genre: the black lady entertainer biopic that taught us that Push It was recorded in a bathroom. Do with that information what you will.

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Ms. Christmas Comes to Town And Can Go Straight to Hell

Mon, 22 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason waste no time in talking about the subject on everyone’s minds, the Presid——— er, the deaths of multiple cultural icons including Shannen Doherty, Richard Simmons, and Dr. Ruth. Plus Kurt has news that Blac Chyna may be engaging in drama in her life by talking about how she doesn’t want drama in her life, and we share a recipe for your favorite casserole from the 70’s! Then, it’s time to go shopping… for a better movie than Ms. Christmas Comes to Town. Oof. This movie tells the uplifting story of how capitalism can sound downright heartwarming when you’re a shopping host dealing with a terminal diagnosis while selling paper erection trees. The movie is notable for having employed more background actors as extras than most gladiator movie crowd scenes, and even more notable for the insanely high lack of chemistry between the two leads. Lesson learned: your career as a traveling nurse isn’t long for this world cuz you’re get discovered and become a star!

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Christmas with a Prince

Thu, 18 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark's Christmas with a Prince, a movie so questionable that the Canadian singer you've probably never heard who appears in the movie will still be someone you've never heard of after you watch the movie.

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The Amish Stud Goes on Rumspringa with Too Many Barbaras, a Bishop with Too Much Spirit Gum, and Joyce Dewitt Type with Too Many Tattoos

Mon, 15 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are headed to a place where no podcast is meant the thrive: Amish Country! But first, Blac Chyna's mom Tokio Toni got heated and flirty with The Game in a way that makes you rethink your snack foods. Then, it's time for Lifetime's Amish Stud: The Eli Weaver Story a true story about an Amish guy (Luke Macfarlane) that's using a Sidekick and dating apps on the DL but still needs a taxi driver (Criminal Minds' Kirsten Vangsness) to drive him around (because Amish). You could argue that there are too many people in this movie named Barbara or you could argue that there are never enough Barbaras. But you can't deny the minister with the Spirit Gum would never turn down a pie made by someone named Barbara in much the same way that a lady would never turn down what was being offered by the Time to Make the Donuts guy.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: My Stepfather's Secret

Thu, 11 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Lifetime's My Stepfather's Secret which features geology, murder, cryptocurrency, income equality, an explainer on the many Carly's of General Hospital, and (of course) gaslighting.

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Falling Like Snowflakes Proves to be a Worthy Showcase for the Graduating Class of the Park Ranger Academy of the Arts

Mon, 08 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are angry… or at least Les and Jason are, while Kurt CLAIMS to be zen despite having suffered through the same movie as they did. But first, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream made a song. But Blac Chyna says it’s not a real song since it’s not on streaming. Though it could still technically BE a song in the same way that Falling Like Snowflakes was technically a movie because a really bad movie is still a movie. Hallmark got an early start on Christmas in July by premiering the movie in June, which is a really cruel thing to do if this movie is, as the guys suspect, a group project created by some people that have been institutionalized. Through that lens, all those involved really did a good job. Through any other lens, though, this may instead feature people so miserable with their acting careers that they’re trying to deliberately sabotage their work to get out of some very unhealthy relationships. If you’re looking for a way to sabotage an unhealthy relationship, make sure you watch this movie with the people in your shared unhealthy situation and it will help you end things quick!

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Throwback Thursday Replay: One Winter Proposal

Thu, 04 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason travel back to their 2019 episode about Hallmark’s One Winter Proposal (and make the podcast’s first reference to the Ann Margrock episode of The Flintstones.

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A Game of Post Office Happens Because My Mom Made Me Do It and Love Laughs at Locksmiths

Mon, 01 Jul 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are (deservedly) taking credit for the June Squibb renissance (the Squibissance) currently happening thanks to her movie Thelma. In Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Chy (as she’s now dubbed in the press) is now 21 months sober, and he also contemplates whether he’d be allowed to enter the pearly gates because he’s eaten hors d’oeuvres as a meal at an event. Then it’s time to look into all the ways My Mom Made Me Do It in a Lifetime movie that will make a great replay episode come Mother’s Day. When an AA Meeting meets during volleyball practice at a school where the kids are super into Lucille Ball’s old radio program, you know that’s going to drive a goody-goody high school student into a super convoluted life of crime where attack victims are given a blowout during a coma and where young women don’t recognize their own step-brother.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: Killer Contractor

Thu, 27 Jun 2024 05:05:00 -0700

If you've never listened to A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast before, this Throwback Thursday Replay is a great episode to get you started.

Killer Contractor Just Might Be the Lifetime Version of M. Night Shyamalan's Unbreakable

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to hit the ground running in 2020 with a movie featuring an epic electrocution, a runaway ceiling fan, and a literal ball of fire that proves that murderous contractors are the BEST contractors when dealing with Lifetime's Killer Cinematic Universe. But first, Kurt has (horrifying) Blac Chyna news, and Jason skips his Lori Loughlin news so the guys can get right into what may be the most "on brand" movie Lifetime has ever done, "Killer Contractor." Sure, nobody in the movie knows how to do simple things like correctly pronounce the main character's last name or carry a coffin, but none of that matters because we are dealing with characters that outsource the delivery of bad news to a claims adjuster.

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For Love and Honey Hits the Sweet Spot With Bad Bee Puns, An Invaluable Infrared Guy, and a Hot Mayor Who’s Really Hot

Mon, 24 Jun 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here to stir the (honey) pot that is the Brat Pack Documentary and find out that Kurt has inexplicably never seen the movie Mannequin. In Blac Chyna news, the guys learn that Tokyo Toni met Blac Chyna’s dad at a Macy’s (oh, young love!) Then, it’s time to see what the buzz is all about with Hallmark’s For Love and Honey, a movie about both beekeeping and archaeology in Malta. It may take a lot of exposition to explain the rather convoluted treasure map at the heart of the plot, but there are plenty of bee puns, a hot professor, and a hot mayor who’s really hot to make things go down smooth like honey. Don’t swat this movie away like you’re trying to get rid of a bee with a King James Bible, but definitely also don’t eat what you think is centuries old butter.

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Throwback Thursday Replay: A Shoe Addict's Christmas starring Candace Cameron Bure, Jean Smart, Luke Macfarlane, and Kristian Brunn

Thu, 20 Jun 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have dug into their archives to re-visit their 2018 episode about Hallmark's A Shoe Addict's Christmas! Before Candace Cameron Bure left the Hallmark Cinematic Universe, she made a downright fantastic movie that co-starred a pre-Hacks Jean Smart, a pre-Bros Luke Macfarlane, and a slightly post-Orphan Black Kristian Brunn.

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There Must Be a Devil on My Doorstep Because We’ve Now Somehow Become a Sports Podcast

Mon, 17 Jun 2024 15:10:26 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason had so much time taking to Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) two episodes ago that she has now officially joined A Lifetime of Hallmark Podcast as a producer despite her role in exiling black hoodies from Lifetime! No need to worry, though, as there IS a black hoodie in Devil on My Doorstep. You should worry about Blac Chyna as news about her is no longer as fun, so perhaps a Young Sheldon-style prequel needs to happen for the Blac Chyna Report. A prequel to Devil on My Doorstep may also be needed to better explain the motivations of the characters in the movie, especially since there are a confusing number of villains, rushed graphics from the art department, and writer’s block so bad that perpetually pushes back a funeral service until the eulogy can be finished. This episode was not sponsored by AAA of Southern California… but could be.

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Joining the Blind Date Book Club is Expensive When Self-Publish Before Getting Feedback

Thu, 13 Jun 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are in the full swing of Pride month but have still found time to join Hallmark’s Blind Date Book Club. But first, Kurt has some not-so-new Blac Chyna news that doesn’t convincingly connect Beyonce to the Epstein plane. Then, the guys turn the page to explore the world of a Hallmark movie where an NPR interview about a book club carries such an incredible emergency that it needs to be conducted live. This is also a world where self-publishing a book can happen in a matter of hours with an incredible amount of detail, likely costing a considerable amount of money. But in a world where one can get hooked on Faulkner instead of heroin, that’s just icing on the (tea) cakes paired with some Danny DeVito Limoncello.

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Killer Fortune Teller Is Not Actually a Fortune Teller According to An Actual Line of Dialogue in this Movie

Tue, 21 May 2024 08:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason welcome the incredible Samantha Pestana-Markey (@documenting_samantha) to join them for a fun ride this week. Samantha is a big fan of the podcast and just so happens to also e a costume designer who has worked her share of Lifetime movies! The guys question why Samantha has tried to exile the famed black hoodie and Kurt gets the dirt on Lifetime’s craft services setup (people horde snacks, just like Jason had to do until he was asked for a cookie by Justin Bieber). Plus, there’s some wild Blac Chyna news involving Dueling Bishops that are available at the drop of a hat. Then, it’s time to read the cards for Lifetime’s Killer Fortune Teller, a movie that could not have been more perfect for Samantha given that she’s actually named after Samantha from Bewitched. This movie makes great use of Tarot cards as a means of framing the plot, has solid support from a Michael Douglas / Gavin Newsom hybrid, and uses both a puffy vest and extreme amounts of ketamine to great effect, especially considering it’s all done without the approval of Psychic SAG. But none of it explains why someone so incredibly wealthy would have to pay to pick his own lemons.

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A Chef’s Deadly Revenge Serves up Zero Tension and a Whole Lotta Pig

Tue, 14 May 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason reconvene after a few weeks to see what’s being served in Lifetime’s A Chef’s Deadly Revenge. But first, it’s time to celebrate the birthday of Blac Chyna… and to toast the many notable people from the entertainment world that passed away since the last episode of the podcast. Then, we learn that Jason made a crass joke in their group chat using emoji to describe Schmoo’s sex life. Kurt asks what Jason meant… and immediately regrets it when he gets an answer to that question that you can’t lock up in a freezer because there is, in fact, a pig in there. In a movie filled with lots of bad stalking and reverse stalking and so very many unnecessary car chases, you can rest assured that having your marriage ended by an unhinged stranger will be rewarded with some free creme brulee.

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The Legend of the Lost Locket Is As Big a Mystery as Learning Exactly What The Schmoo Is

Tue, 30 Apr 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are here for your favorite day of the week aka your favorite occasionally day a few times a month for another episode of A Lifetime of Hallmark! The guys catch up on all of the big news of the world including a new soap coming to CBS, the very tightly patrolled catering backstage at American Idol, and some top notch movie recommendations from listeners. Plus, Kurt gives a very serious and gauzy Blac Chyna report thanks to a big profile about her in the LA Times. Then, it’s time to look into the Legend of the Lost Locket, a Hallmark movie that could have been a bad Indiana Jones knockoff or an even worse costume drama with poor British accents. The movie, thankfully, is pretty charming thanks to its winning leads and a script that fills in the central mystery by taking some cues from Lifetime movies (hello black hoodies and actual crimes!) But some mysteries still remain such as: “Is Boston really known for cannolis?,” “What, exactly, is The Schmoo? ,” and “How much do will some antique kneepads be appraised at?”

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Million Dollar Lethal Listing Hits the Market Thanks to Jackee Harry, Meredith Thomas, and a Homeowner That’s All To Eager to Let Squatters Stay in HIs Home

Tue, 09 Apr 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason jump right into the natural phenomena of the week like the earthquake in New York, the eclipse, and balls falling from the sky. Then Kurt tries a new spin on Blac Chyna news by starting it with a quote by Maya Angelou, and we learn that Blac Chyna accidentally freed a nipple in West Hollywood and “ended up” on BACKGRID. We find out about a place would never eat cake: at a night at Motherlode called “Manhole.” Then we put a bid in on Lifetime’s Million Dollar Lethal Listing, a movie that’s incredibly consequential in that it features a detective who is helpful (our friend Meredith Thomas)! With this detective on the case, maybe we’ll eventually find out while the real owner of the home in this movie was super chill about letting random people (that were duped into buying his house that wasn’t for sale) stay in his home while everything is sorted out. This may be the gaslightiest that movie Lifetime has ever made, but it also inspired the premise of the new sitcom “That Takes The Cake.”

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Killer Cheer Mom Denise Richards Snoops the Old Fashioned Way And Takes On Max from Hart to Hart

Tue, 02 Apr 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are not shading Princess Kate for having $15 cake at an airport, obviously. But they are doing a deep dive into Blac Chyna’s latest loan against her home, and think she could make some real coin by doing ads for Metamucil. Then it’s time to root for Lifetime’s Killer Cheer Mom starring Denise Richards and Thomas Calabro from Melrose Place. Kurt gets a crash course in Michael’s trajectory on Melrose Place and learns (for the first time) about Kimberly and her infamous wig/scar reveal). But that’s not the only trip down memory lane: the kitchen in this movie may be the same one from the fireball scene in Killer Contractor, and the teenagers in this movie may be super into Billy Joel’s back catalog. This kitchen is epic in the way that it can still crank out giant carby meal after giant carbs meal, but that strawberry never stood a chance of making it into those epic smoothies. But there’s home for Kurt’s eventual epic tramp stamp tattoo of giant wings… carrying a cake. This needs to happen now.

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Lindsay Lohan Has an Irish Wish to Get in a Netflix Loop Group with the Illuminati to Get in the Bible or Win a Golden Globe

Tue, 19 Mar 2024 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, Jason, and Saint Brigid are ready to wreak havoc by talking about Netflix’s new Lindsay Lohan Romantic Comedy Irish Wish! But first they need to talk about the Kate Middleton royal family photo scandal and the fact that Murray Langston the bag-wearing Unknown Comic and Kate are not, in fact, the same person. Then, Kurt shares some super confusing Blac Chyna news involving her mom Tokyo Toni thinking Ice Spice is part of the Illuminati. Then it’s time to head to Ireland, a place that is a good place to be horny and for the Virgin Mary to rebrand herself. But if you get hungry, you’re going to either need to pay $15 for cake at the airport, or you’ll need to go to the candy store to some Pasty Gingers. But, just make sure that you eat it in a car (or boat) that is in motion and not sitting still!

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Guiding Les through Guiding Emily, a Cautionary Tale about Fiber and Ambien

Thu, 07 Mar 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Kurt and Jason are tasked with guiding Les through this week’s Hallmark movie, Guiding Emily! But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news about the mystery surrounding net worth, and Jason is absolutely convinced that the story was written by A.I.). Plus, June Squibb is doing an action comedy, and Les shows his doodle! Then, it’s time to dive into Guiding Emily, a movie Les didn’t watch so Kurt and Jason will have to break it down for him! First things first, this movie is narrated by a dog that is voiced by Eric McCormack (the biggest name in the cast) that will go on to become a seeing-eye dog for the title character. Because of the abundance of characters and the non-connected stories that seemed shoehorned together, Jason suspects this movie was two movies that were married into one. Meanwhile, Kurt is not in favor of couples massages, and Les is in favor of Baked Potato Day! If you liked this movie, say it with your eyes rather than with words because we won’t be paying you union scale.

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It’s Worse to Have a Nut Allergy on Bathhouse Row Than It is to be Betrayed by My Bridesmaid

Thu, 29 Feb 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason have so much news to get to: June Squibb is part of a major reboot! Nicole Kidman has THREE new AMC promos coming this week! And Wendy Williams takes off her wig for Blac Chyna! That leads the guys to discuss the very real life that Wendy is leading these days and how it’s seemingly being exploited by everyone. Then the guys walk down the aisle with Lifetime Movie Network’s Betrayed by My Bridesmaid! This movie may not feature one single murder (perhaps a first for a non holiday movie), but it does feature PLENTY of a**holes. In fact, every single character in this movie is an a**hole who may or may not have conceived a baby to the song “Shots” by LMFAO, and who may or may not have committed an even graver offense: not knowing how to make a grilled chhese sandwich.

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An American in Austen Tries to Invoke Jane Austen as Directed by Brian DePalma Starring Sarah Ferguson

Thu, 22 Feb 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by Jason Dubray from the Shelf Shedding Movie Show Podcast (@ShelfMovie), and they have some STRONG opinions about Robert Downey, Jr., America Ferrera, and Bradley Cooper. Then, Blac Chyna celebrates 16 months sober (but not with a Fitbit-style tracker). Then Jason reveals himself to be QUITE biased against certain eras on film, especially ones where people are wearing corsets. It’s an extraordinarily disappointing development, then, when they all learn that this week’s Hallmark movie An American in Austen has LOTS of corsets as it tries to very blatantly rip off pay homage to Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice with piece of fan fiction that would have been better served as a straight-up body switch premise. There may be an unnecessary cameo from a very-clearly-cuecard-reading Sarah Ferguson as well as a forced Taylor Swift quote, but at least watching this movie propelled an earnest apology to Kirk Cameron and spurred discussions about whether Ruth Bader is sexy and about the financial planning acumen of the family on Mr. Belvidere.

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Woman with the Red Lipstick Brings the Black Hoodie back to Lifetime for Some Pogo Sticking!

Tue, 13 Feb 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason take a second crack at recording the latest podcast after they were derailed by technical issues. That gives the chance to discuss the outcome of the Super Bowl, and their thoughts on whether Weird Al Yankovic should be the halftime performer. Plus, Les reveals the shocking news that he has not seen a full episode of Saturday Night Live since Eddie Murphy left the show back in the 80’s! And Kurt informs us that Blac Chyna is STILL one of the top earners on OnlyFans. Then, it’s time to talk about Lifetime’s Woman with the Red Lipstick, a movie that would have been great even if they hadn’t brought back the black hoodie! This movie could have had a very different outcome if the extra that looked like O.J. Simpson (not in hospice!) had played a bigger part. But even without him, the movie contains important wig sex etiquette, a family-size canister of mace, and the newest Adjunct Professor at the Park Ranger Academy of the Dramatic Arts! #PogoSticking

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Winter Castle Features the Most Heinous Villain We’ve Ever Seen in a Movie, and Not Because She would’ve Saltburn-ed Someone

Tue, 30 Jan 2024 05:00:00 -0800

Les, Jason, and Kurt go off the rails right out of the gate when Les and Kurt are blindsided by the new show open that Jason made. (Working on that “Kurt Fitzpatrick, Gay Icon” merch, stat!). Plus, the guys imagine a world where Blac Chyna dates Fiddler on the Roof Star Topol (obviously). Then, they dig into Hallmark’s 2019 movie Winter Castle, a movie that wants us to be happy for people so awful that they’ve scheduled a an expensive and unnecessarily last-minute destination wedding in a very cold and very remote area. In fact, everyone in this movie is terrible from the guy who’s stringing his not-girlfriend along, to the family trying to end this guy’s non-relationship, to the lead pursuing this guy, to his not-really-a-girlfriend literally sneezing in someone’s face. Really, the only redeeming person in the movie is a side character that may have bought a very specifically intimate gift at Tiffany which is definitely nicer than the snow before the maple syrup hit it.

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** special note: Podbean, the service where our podcast is hosted, has a beta feature that will let A.I. write our episode description. While ultimately finding their description... unhelpful... it's still a fascinating read:

Engaging Banter and Unpredictable Twists in a Destination Wedding Drama - A Lifetime of Hallmark

Welcome to an exciting episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark" where your hosts, Les Kirkendall Barrett, Jason Bowers, and Kurt Fitzpatrick dive into a hearty critique of an unexpected destination wedding drama and the fascinating world of Hallmark movies. Enjoy the cocktail of light-hearted banter, insightful observations, and comical perspectives as the hosts dissect various elements of Hallmark and Lifetime movies.

In this episode, unravel the divisive concept of a destination wedding from the entertaining banter of our hosts. Discover personal anecdotes, role-playing in fictional scenarios, and jump into the questionable appeal of a wedding set in freezing temperatures. It's a rollercoaster episode packed with exhilarating debates, colorful film reviews, and careful exploration of the balance between dream weddings and financial burdens.

From the world of movies to real-world celebrity drama, the hosts leave no stone unturned. Savor the lively discussion about destination weddings, the continuous flow of laughter, and the web of intricate stories about love, relationships, and unexpected connections. A delightful mix of film commentary, celebrity gossip, humor, surprises, and unexpected revelations await in this episode of "A Lifetime of Hallmark".

The Wrong Life Coach Can’t Even Help You Avoid a Bat… Or fromTaking Boudoir Photos at Olan Mills with Meredith Thomas

Thu, 18 Jan 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are joined by their always super-special guest, the super fantastic Meredith Thomas (@meredithactress) from LMN’s The Wrong Life Coach starring Lifetime royalty including Vivica A. Fox, Tracey Nelson, and Eric Roberts (but not Jackée Harry, because A.I. got it wrong). Plus, Kurt has some provocative Blac Chyna news: Tokyo Toni may be trying to get with Blac Chyna’s exes! Then, it’s time to dig into Lifetime’s first Wrong movie in a long time about a profession that can lead people astray, especially when the profession doesn’t require any credentials. Meredith didn’t just play one of the life coaches in the movie, she was also the movie’s Second A.D. and cast some of the roles! There may not be any black hoodies here, but everyone is coming in hot! Plus, there’s a passive aggressive marriage proposal and a Lifetime movie detective that actually does their job, and Power Ranger not a Power Bottom!

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Dying for Fame Because Stalkers Work in Teams That Post All of Their Moves on Reddit

Tue, 09 Jan 2024 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back for an amazing 2024 ahead after missing what would have been their final recording of last year (since Les was in France with poor internet)! But now they’re back and have opinions about Jo Kay hosting the Golden Globes (just like everyone else). Then Kurt has Blac Chyna news about her joining the Itty Bitty Bitty Committee (her words). Then, the guys are ready to dig into Dying for Fame, a Lifetime Movie Network thriller for which Les got invited into the inner circle bye going to a screening with the directors/producers/cast/crew (thanks to our friend and listener Samantha!). Important note from Les: even the “creepy” people from the movie were hot in person (noted!). Justice for creepers! Despite this movie not having any black hoodies, it did feature a diverse cast, a radio station that doesn’t really exist, and tips for hiring a stalker on LinkedIn. Plus Jason makes a joke that falls as flat as Jo Koy’s Golden Globes monologue!

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Melissa McCarthy Unleashed a Genie Out of the Box Because These Wish Rules Are Chaotic as the Klumps

Fri, 22 Dec 2023 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason convene from 3 different parts of the world this week as Les is in a hotel lobby in London, Kurt is on the East coast in the US, and Jason is on the West Coast, and they’re ready to conjure up some opinions on the movie Genie. But first, Kurt has some Blac Chyna news that has the guys pining for the days of wilder and crazier Blac Chyna stories! Then, it’s time to rub the box instead of a bottle because all the genie rules you think you knew are thrown out the window… including the ones laid out in this movie. A really likable and funny cast (Melissa McCarthy! Paapa Essiedu! Alan Cumming! Luis Guzman! Marc Maron!) can’t make this movie make sense, no matter how many wishes this genie grants. But at least we get a genie choosing a new outfit makeover montage, a truly insane subplot about accidentally stealing the Mona Lisa, and a scene that may have been written in hopes of at one point getting Eddie Murphy to sign onto them movie.

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Ladies of the 80’s: A Divas Christmas Features Incredible Tales of Craft Services Tables From Years Past

Tue, 12 Dec 2023 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are ready to dissect a Lifetime movie that SHOULD hit the sweet spot, Lifetime's Ladies of the 80's a Divas Christmas starring Morgan Fairchild, Nicolette Sheridan, Donna Mills, Loni Anderson, Linda Gray, and Christopher Adkins. But first, we get the Blac Chyna news that she and Tyga are now getting along and sharing joint custody of their son. Kumbaya. Then, the guys test whether or not THEY are as powerful as a Siskel and Ebert review that once got Alen Zweibel's son bullied as they dig into this week's movie. Even stacked with so many 80's icons, this movie's many lapses in simple logic make it a rough watch that needed more actual tension between the characters that's not even saved by using (potentially) scalding hot gravy in a food fight and winning an Emmy by showing one's gray hair.

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Hallmark’s A Merry Scottish Christmas is Basically Succession if Lacey Chabert and Scott Wolf Don’t Want the Empire

Wed, 29 Nov 2023 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are doing something they haven’t done for months: watched a Hallmark movie for their podcast about Hallmark movies (and Lifetime movies, and now so much more). It’s especially fitting to dive back into that world with a movie starring Hallmark royalty (pun intended) Lacey Chabert as she reunites with her Party of Five big brother Scott Wolf. But first, Kurt and Jason wonder if Les himself is secretly a royal, Jason sent Kurt a filthy underwear ad to underscore last episode’s very descriptive conversation about what makes one… um… powerful. Then, Kurt reports on Blac Chyna’s beef with Brian Austin Green, sufferer of vertigo, and Les gets to casually and unironically use the phrase “my in-laws’ yurt.” Then, it’s time to talk about Hallmark’s A Very Scottish Christmas. Producer and star Lacey Chabert was adamant (as were we) that she and Scott Wolf were NOT to be romantic interests in this movie. Instead, we get siblings who are blindsided by the fact that their mother has been lying to them their entire lives when they find out that they are royalty. This castle comes complete with a hot but property manager who is clingy AF, enough sweets to give a giant middle finger to diabetics, and a Scottish tour guide that may or may not be REALLY energetic because of the amount of snow. Go pick your handkerchief color of choice as you have yourself a dirty reindeer!

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Gay Icon Burt Young is Roomies with Corey Haim Because Everything in the 80’s was Problematic

Fri, 17 Nov 2023 05:05:00 -0800

Les, Kurt, and Jason are back with one more piece of pop culture WTF before diving back into Lifetime and Hallmark movies because the SAG-AFTRA strike is finally over! One person not in love with the new contract is Justine Batemen… and that sends the guys down a rabbit hole about other Family Ties cast members. It also ties into this week’s featured selection because of a Billy Very and the Beaters connection. But before that, the guys reminisce about Matthew Perry, Jason and Les teach Kurt the difference between a bossy bottom and a power bottom, and Blac Chyna’s daughter’s party was thrown by Khloe Kardashian! Then the guys start dissecting a show that could have stood for a LOT more dissecting before it made it to air, 1987’s Roomies. Starring a post-Rocky Burt Young and a pre-Lost Boys Corey Ham, Roomies features a premise so insanely problematic, that the worst thing about the show isn’t even the singing trio that all seem to be on the same bowel movement schedule. Put on your Vagina University hoodie, because we’re going back to college with a bunch of clearly middle aged men!

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The Moonlighting Pilot Triggers a ConversationAbout Nazis and Gay Nightclubs That Should Not Miss

Thu, 26 Oct 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason support the SAG-AFTRA strike, but they are comin’ in hot regarding the guidance about not dressing as a character from movies and TV shows. But Jason has found a loophole: he’s dressing as Ken THE DOLL who is also a fan of Oppenheimer THE HISTORICAL FIGURE. Then, Blac Chyna is accused of Witchcraft! And the guys circle back to their episode about The Tortellis and get an update on Kurt’s quest to get the (formerly) little boy on the podcast. (Update, we’re SOL… emphasis on the S). Then it’s time to dive into the 80’s masterpiece that is nonetheless problematic AF, Moonlighting. The show revived Cybil Shepard’s career, jumpstarted Bruce Willis’, and cast someone that Les spotted on his very first night living in LA! If you’re looking for a show that starts with a similar premise to Schitt’s Creek, features an EVIL Bob Newhart lookalike, and that has a cameo from someone whose MAGA credentials the guys questioned openly, then you’ve found the right show in Moonlighting!

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Suzanne Somers in Three’s Company - Chrissy and the Guru

Tue, 17 Oct 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason ditched their plans to watch Moonlighting this week to pay their respects to the late, great Suzanne Somers. But first, we get the latest on a current America’s Sweet Blac Chyna and her custody battle with Tyga. Then the guys talk about their love of Apple TV+ show The Morning Show, and find out about how Billy Crudup was the object of affection for a woman Kurt was on a date with… while they were on the date. Take note, if you’re looking to date someone, write them a handwritten letter! Then, the guys take a look at a very Chrissy-centric episode of Three’s Company, Chrissy and the Guru. Ripping straight from the headlines of the rampant cults of the late 70’s, Three’s Company serves up a guru named Rama Mageesh. His charms aren’t enough to get Jack (John Ritter), Janet (Joyce DeWitt), or the Ropers (Norman Fell and Audra Lindley) to part with her money (though Helen would be happy to part with her mumu for some fun with Stanley, the guru IS able to lure Chrissy. Or maybe she was lured by his cute cult outfit (which would make a great Halloween costume). Grab your Thigmaster and see if you can get past the fact that Les, Kurt, and Jason are currently around the same age as the Ropers!

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Notorious Cheers Spinoff (That Isn’t Frasier) The Tortellis Features a Cameo from Barbie co-star Rhea Perlman

Thu, 12 Oct 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason were gonna watch Moonlighting this week, but time constraints mean that will have to wait until the next episode (along with Les’ lady detective fantasies). Instead, this week the guys dive into the Cheers spinoff that isn’t Frasier (nor is it the Frasier re-boot on Paramount+), 1987’s The Tortellis. But first, we find out about Kurt taking his mom to her midday mid-week high school reunion, mediocre chicken marsala and age shaming included! Plus, if you’re going to be a doll, at least be one that people are afraid of! And, Blac Chyna is now doing appearances at Chiropractic offices in Orange County with her crispy bones! Then it’s time to dive into The Tortellis, a Cheers spinoff that was launched in the very same season Cheers had to introduce Kirstie Alley after the departure of Shelly Long. The Tortellis was either a painfully unfunny spinoff, or one so painfully unfunny that the producers used it to keep the network off their back when it came to the mothership show. Not even a child that s**ts when he acts can save this from a guy who looks a little Megans List-y. But at least THIS didn’t cause Jason to do ‘shrooms and pity follow Charo on YouTube.

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Dr. Seuss’ Halloween is Grinch Night is nothing but Class and Cocaine and Smelly Wind

Fri, 06 Oct 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason apologize if feel compelled to watch this week's pick, the 1977 Dr. Seuss special “Halloween is Grinch Night.” But first, Les’ husband wants to know if he’s allowed to eat the Beyond Chicken McNuggets (he can!), and Kurt is familiarizing himself with current popular music (like Dojo Cat and SZA). Plus, in Blac Chyna news, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna is selling a bunch of her clothes on consignment. Then, it’s time to dig into this prequel to How the Grinch Stole Christmas. But while the Christmas special had a cohesive and heartwarming story at the center of it, this Halloween special has bland colors and exactly ZERO mentions of Halloween. Did the makers of this special do a substantial amount of hallucinogenic drugs AND cocaine? Was Max the Dog suffering from Stockholm Syndrome or is he a spy? Is this entire special an ill-formed metaphor for racism/the Cold War/ child abuse? Possibly (allegedly)!

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What a Country America is When Famous Russian Yakov Smirnoff Becomes Ronald Reagan’s Speechwriter and Martina Navratilova is on the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills

Fri, 29 Sep 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason are happy that the WGA Strike has ended, but are still venturing beyond Lifetime and Hallmark movies since SAG-AFTRA is still on strike! The guys discuss the big topics on their mind like couples that share a Facebook account and whether or not Jeffrey Dahmer is cancelled. Not cancelled: famous morning radio DJ Roman Polanski). Also not cancelled: Blac Chyna… she may have found love again! Then it’s time to take a look at the pilot to the 1986 first-run syndicated sitcom What a Country. While this may seem like it was a Yakov Smirnoff vehicle, it’s actually an adaptation of a British sitcom. One can only wonder if the British version featured countless painful racial stereotypes (many courtesy to a super racist school principal not played by Don Knotts). But the bigger thing you’ll be wondering is “Just how glamorous is it to coach a high school soccer team?”

Side note to those that will be in the Philadelphia area: Kurt has more performances of his show Behind Every Great Mariska Hargitay is a Great Kurt Fitzpatrick. Get your tickets here: https://phillyfringe.org/events/behind-every-great-mariska-hargitay-is-a-great-kurt-fitzpatrick/

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The Holograms of Pia Zadora, Jermaine Jackson, Journey, and Slade Walk Ride a Vespa into a Podcast…

Thu, 21 Sep 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason were so energized by Don Johnson’s Heartbeat in the previous episode (the promotional movie moreso than his actual pulse), so they’re tackling some more music videos this week. But first, THE Pepper MaShay came to see Les’s show, as did Lesley Ann Warren and Lifetime of Hallmark SUPERFAN Samantha (thanks for listening). Then Kurt shares what may be newly specific news about Blac Chyna as it relates to sobriety. Fun fact: Les is kinda dickmatized by Dick van Dyke (a conversation started after a June Squibb spotting). Then it’s time to get into 3 different defining (?) music videos of the 80’s, starting with Journey’s “Separate Ways (Worlds Apart).” The Sherrie of Steve Perry’s “Oh Sherry” almost killed this video, but she doesn’t have to because it dies on its own (though without a soundtrack since the instruments keep disappearing). Then, the guys took a look at Slade’s “Run Runaway” video, complete with a kilt-wearing dude swinging a giant phallic telephone pole all around a well lit castle while lead singer Noddy Holder is doing… something… with his mouth (Jason has a theory). Finally, Les subjects Jason and Kurt to the Pia Zadora and Jermaine Jackson classic (at least in Europe) “When the Rain Begins to Fall” from Pia’s movie Voyage of the Rock Aliens. At least there’s a vespa chase and some proximity to peak Michael Jackson.

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Was Beyonce Inspired to Make Lemonade Because Don Johnson Made Heartbeat?

Wed, 13 Sep 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have gathered to experience one helluva an experiment in the 1980’s music industry: making Miami Vice’s Don Johnson into a rock star! But first, Jason saw Les’ show The Real Black Swann: Confessions of America’s First Black Drag Queen and is ecstatic to report that it is FANTASTIC! Get tix here: https://ci.ovationtix.com/36684/production/1173212

Then, the guys try to figure out why is everyone defending Martin Short (Jason has a conspiracy theory about it related to the SAG AFTRA and WGA strikes). Then, we find that Kurt went to a gay bay with Les not dragging him there (at least not directly). Then, Kurt tells us that TokioToni is upset the Beehive! Then it’s finally time to talk about the EPIC(?) multi-video multi-story Don Johnson mini-movie that is Heartbeat. Was a music exec so d**kmatized by Don Johnson’s very MTV-ready presence that he didn’t he didn’t think it would matter that Don can’t sing? Probably! But thanks to that probably very coked-up executive (maybe, allegedly), we get to see the sex worker version of West Side Story starring Don Johnson, Gus Fring from Breaking Bad, and Paul Shaffer!

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Laverne and Shirley in the Army Marches Toward So Many Pig Puns

Wed, 30 Aug 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have reconvened to ask the important questions like, “Does Les get craft service during his tech rehearsals?” And “Did Wilford Brimley pull some serious tail back in the day?” Plus, Kurt reports that Blac Chyna wants Tyga to stick to their custody schedule! Then, the guys tackle their first animated show for the podcast, 1981’s “Laverne and Shirley” (aka known as Laverne and Shirley in the Army to not confuse it with the live action counterpart). While this Laverne and Shirley doesn’t have Lenny or Squiggy or Carmine Ragusa, it does have a pig voiced by Horshack from Welcome Back Kotter and giant space birds. Jason thinks the show may have been borne out of the last actor’s strike while Les thinks this is the horniest cartoon he’s ever seen. Take a look at the rocket that all of the characters are quite confident they can fly and judge for yourself!

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Will Smith Did Not Have the Heart and Soul to Star in a Sitcom with Morris Day, James Avery, and Tisha Campbell

Sat, 19 Aug 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have decided to stop promoting Hallmark and Lifetime movies when there’s a strike, and instead focus on pop culture’s unusual past, and this week it comes in the form of a 1988 pilot starring Morris Day! But first, Jason strongly objects to Les’ “funny idea” that someone be murdered at/near one of his parties. Plus, Kurt’s Blac Chyna news lets us all know that tattoo removal hurts, and we learn the Celebrity net Worth of Robin Givens and Pauly Shore! Then, it’s talk to talk about Heart and Soul starring Morris Day, Tisha Campbell, and James Avery, but NOT Will Smith. But at least there’s Barry Sobel and his very popular act (yet wildly offensive). What COULD have been a great fish out of water story instead turns out to be the leading to a movie about Ted Bundy not starring Redd Foxx.

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Ann Jillian, Fiona Apple’s Dad, and Jennifer Slept Here Instead of a Lifetime or Hallmark Movie This Week

Wed, 26 Jul 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason have referenced the 1983 NBC sitcom Jennifer Slept Here many times on this podcast, so they’ve decided to finally dissect the pilot episode along with a look into the state of of TV in the early 1980’s. But first, Jason is trying really hard to get Les and Kurt to take the hint that it’s time to move onto the Black Chyna Report! Then, it’s time to start the Ann Jillian deep dive, talking It’s a Living, the SAG-AFTRA strike then and now, and Walt Disney’s input into Ann’s career. Then it’s time for Jennifer Slept Here. Ann Jillian may have top billing on this short-lived series, but the real heavy lifting of the show is done by (*checks notes*) the kid that played Randy Quaid’s son in National Lampoon’s Vacation, John Navin. John may be the person that uttered the very first line of dialogue on Cheers, but here’s he’s doomed from wearing a fedora multiple times. Maybe Jennifer should have slept somewhere else (like with the Family Ties Keaton family, or within Wilfred Scott’s weather report), but here she’s just the Nurse Jackie of her day.

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Grab Your Merkin to Take Me Back for Christmas to Explore the Maplewood Real Estate Market

Thu, 20 Jul 2023 05:05:00 -0700

Les, Kurt, and Jason will not be deterred by the SAG-AFTRA Strike (and WGA Strike), mostly because this podcast isn’t in violation of union rules. Les has been spotting all kinds of famous faces on the picket lines (including presidential candidate Marianne Williamson), but the most famous face on the picket lines may now be Les Kurkendaal-Barrett himself thanks to a ton of worldwide coverage an image of him has experienced. Khloe Kardashian considers herself a third parent to Blac Chyna’s daughter Dream Kardashian, but it’s all from a place of love… much like Kurt’s love for Vanessa Lengies, the star of this week’s Hallmark Movie Take Me Back for Christmas. This is Hallmark’s version of a multiverse movie, so of course the guys discussed cinnamon poppers.

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