The King James Virgin

Solomon Threatens a Baby

Thu, 01 Dec 2022 06:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the wisest man who ever lived: Solomon. Nick learns that Alan and Adam have a firm grasp of grammar. Oh, AND WE'RE BACK(-ish) BABY!

Mary and Joseph Stay Together for the Baby Jesus

Thu, 24 Dec 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the Christmas Story. Nick learns that Jesus is a Josh-damn little shit.

Capital "T" Truth with Will (an Ex-Pastor)

Thu, 17 Dec 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick, Adam, and Will discuss “truth” and it’s various meanings. Nick learns that Will and Adam still have some lingering feelings about their lapsed beliefs.

G.K. Chesterton: Pillars of Conservatism - Part 4

Thu, 10 Dec 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick tells Adam about turn of the century religious writer G. K. Chesterton. Nick learns that Adam has very strong feelings about C. S. Lewis fans.

Pat Robertson: Pillars of Conservatism - Part 3

Thu, 03 Dec 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick tells Adam about conservative TV personality Pat Robertson. Nick and Adam learn than real life Bond villains might actually exist!

Jerry Falwell: Pillars of Conservatism - Part 2

Thu, 26 Nov 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick tells Adam about conservative religious leader and political activist, Jerry Falwell. Nick learns that Adam's idea of turn-ons might be broader than first imagined.

Car Episode: 90s Christian Culture

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam talk about their experience growing up in the 90s in the church. The two of them learn that maybe Alan being in charge of his brother’s church clothes inspired an eventual career.

Russell Kirk: Pillars of Conservatism - Part 1

Thu, 12 Nov 2020 09:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick tells Alan and Adam about the author of The Conservative Mind, Russell Kirk. Everyone learns “paleo” has more than one obvious reference, and that Ren Faires need to be consensual.

Evie's Catholic Corner: Pope Hats (Corrected Audio)

Thu, 05 Nov 2020 11:03:41 -0800

In this episode, Evie tells Alan, Adam, and Nick about the Papal headwear. Everyone learns that sometimes when the Pope says he wants to be less fancy, what he really means is, “I want a lighter hat”.

Abraham & Isaac Bond (and then Have an Awkward Ride Home)

Thu, 29 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Abraham and Isaac. Nick learns that child murder is in the eye of the beholder.

Isaac & Ishmael: The Monotheist Gets Polyamorous

Thu, 22 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Abraham, Sarah, Hagar, and how the three of them tried to do God’s work for him. Nick learns that sometimes you’ve got to give up a little skin to get a new name.

Abram Has a Hot Wife/Sister

Thu, 15 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Abram’s (aka: Abraham) early life. Adam, Alan, and Nick learn that maybe Abraham made his millions from donkey futures.

Hells Bells: Nick and Adam Watched a Doc, Part 2

Thu, 08 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Nick and Adam watch the second half of the documentary: Hells Bells: The Dangers of Rock’N'Roll. Nick learns that maybe Pan was a lot more common in the 70s than he is today.

Hells Bells: Nick and Adam Watched a Doc, Part 1

Thu, 01 Oct 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Nick and Adam watch the first half of the documentary: Hells Bells: The Dangers of Rock’N'Roll. Nick learns that Adam is SUPER triggered by the ridiculous content of late-80s conservative rhetoric.

Judith is Not Lilith

Thu, 24 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Nick tells Alan and Adam about Judith AND Lilith. Nick learns that Alan puts in a ton of work, and does not envy him.

Ranking Sin with Will (an Ex-Pastor)

Thu, 17 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Adam and Nick talk to Adam’s friend Will about sin. Adam and Will learn that Nick’s lack of religious upbringing was even better than they assumed.

David is Undignified (and Uzzah Dies)

Thu, 10 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about David dancing before the lord (and Uzzah kicking the bucket). Adam and Alan learn that Nick sometimes offends his customer’s sensibilities.

Psalms 23: David Plays the Harp and Jacob Plows

Thu, 03 Sep 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Psalms 23. Nick learns that “praise band” can be a triggering phrase.

The Temptation of Christ Was Probably A Vision Quest

Thu, 27 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the temptation of Christ. Nick learns that the wilderness is more than just the forest.

Hophni & Phinehas: They're Bad, They're Priests, They're Gonna Die

Thu, 20 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the second half of Samuel’s story. Nick learns that God likes to kill 50,000 dudes, just for peaking.

The Ark of the Covenant Will Melt Your Face Off

Thu, 13 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the Ark of the Covenant. Nick learns that, apparently, God has a wide, yet shallow butt.

Bible Battle Bracket- Round III

Thu, 06 Aug 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, once again, Alan and Adam battle it out in a tournament setup by Nick. Nick learns that Margot is out for blood, and she doesn’t care who’s standing in her way!

The Tabernacle: Intense Incense in Tents

Thu, 30 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the tabernacle. Nick learns that when priests be hungry, they prefer big ass bread.

Samuel: The Tiny Lil' Baby Prophet

Thu, 23 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Samuel as a child. Nick learns that robes can be deadly.

666: The Number of the Beast

Thu, 16 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the mark/number of the beast from Revelation. Nick learns that his past experience with Cats has prepared him well for the more esoteric parts of the Bible.

Gideon and His Band of Weirdos

Thu, 09 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the Gideon. Nick learns that there’s more to this dude than just leaving Bibles in hotel rooms.

Fire Snakes on a Stick

Thu, 02 Jul 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the Children of Israel and the Plague of Fire Snakes. Nick learns that fire snakes are probably a lot grosser than they sound.

Ruth Gleans a Husband

Thu, 25 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Ruth. Nick learns that he should have been on the lookout for his most attractive cousin.

Hosea and Gomer: A Life of Harlotry

Thu, 18 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Hosea and Gomer. Nick learns Alan has incredibly strong feelings about raisins.

Evie's Catholic Corner - Saints: Wilgefortis and Corona

Thu, 11 Jun 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Evie tells Alan, Adam, and Nick about the Saints Wilgefortis and Corona. Everyone learns that palm trees can sometimes be more interesting than Jesus in a dress.

BLACK FRIDAY: 1 - Acute Spontaneous Melanization

Mon, 08 Jun 2020 16:35:10 -0700

You may have noticed we didn't drop an episode on Thursday, we choose not to post anything so that black voices could be heard more clearly. We also wanted to use our platform to elevate a show we really like called BLACK FRIDAY. It's created by Tycho Newman, and we thought you might dig it. You can find more about BLACK FRIDAY at: theblackfridaypodcast.com.

Original episode description: A local man wakes up to find he has undergone a radical transformation.

Cain & Abel Invent Murder

Thu, 28 May 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Cain and Abel. Nick learns that his love of The Sandman has come to serve him well.

BONUS - Aesop Abstinent: The Stag and the Oxen

Thu, 21 May 2020 09:00:00 -0700

This week, we’re giving you a taste of what our Patreon subscribers will get access to: new episodes of the Aesop Abstinent. This week, Nick tells Alan and Adam the fable of The Stag and the Oxen. Adam and Alan learn that figs have weirdly become a theme throughout this podcast.

Adam & Eve & a Tree & a Serpent

Thu, 14 May 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of how we fucked it all up. Nick is reminded that Adam and Alan used to spend WAY TOO MUCH time together…Nick Wooster is god.

In the Beginning: the Six Days of Creation

Thu, 07 May 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of how it all began. Nick learns that you don’t need the sun to have a light and that time is meaningless.

Daniel and the Lion's Den: The Greatest Adventure

Thu, 30 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan is back, but we’re still watching the Hanna-Barbera cartoons. This week it’s Daniel and the Lion’s Den from “The Greatest Adventure: Stories from the Bible”! Nick and Adam show Alan the ropes, and Alan still ends up schooling the other two.

The Miracles of Jesus: The Greatest Adventure

Thu, 23 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan is still out on paternity leave, Adam and Nick watch the Hanna-Barbera cartoon of The Miracles of Jesus from “The Greatest Adventure: Stories from the Bible” and discuss its merits (and/or lack there of).

Queen Esther: The Greatest Adventure

Thu, 16 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, with Alan still out on paternity leave, Adam and Nick watch the Hanna-Barbera cartoon of Queen Esther from “The Greatest Adventure: Stories from the Bible” and discuss its merits (and/or lack there of).

Samson and Delilah: The Greatest Adventure

Thu, 09 Apr 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan is still out on paternity leave, so Adam and Nick watch the Hanna-Barbera cartoon of Samson and Delilah from “The Greatest Adventure: Stories from the Bible” and discuss its merits.

Jonah: The Greatest Adventure

Thu, 02 Apr 2020 09:23:50 -0700

In this episode, Alan is out on paternity leave, so Adam and Nick watch the Hanna-Barbera cartoon of Jonah from “The Greatest Adventure: Stories from the Bible” and discuss its merits.

The Four Horsemen of Our Current Apocalypse

Thu, 26 Mar 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Naaman. Nick learns that Alan and Adam grew up in a church obsessed with prophesy (and prepping).

Naaman Has "Leprosy"

Thu, 19 Mar 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Naaman. Nick learns that Alan and Adam have vastly different understandings of the sonic qualities of punctuation.

Elisha Kills Some Youths

Thu, 12 Mar 2020 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Elisha and the Bears. Nick learns that just two verses can spark the imagination of a young Adam.

Bible Battle Bracket - Round II

Thu, 05 Mar 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, once again, Alan and Adam battle it out in a tournament setup by Nick. Nick learns that DC Talk’s and the Talking Heads’s careers never overlapped…coincidence?!?

Jesus Would Have Been a Socialist

Wed, 26 Feb 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Jesus’s politics. Nick learns that Jesus probably would Feel the Bern!

Unclean Animals - Peter’s Weird Dream and Leviticus

Thu, 20 Feb 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Peter’s weird dream that changed everything. Nick learns that he’s been eating ALL of the wrong types animals.

David Gets All Oiled Up, Part 2 of 2

Thu, 13 Feb 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick more stories about the life of David. Nick learns that it’s possible David and Oprah had something in common. Shhhh, it’s a secret.

David Gets All Oiled Up, Part 1 of 2

Thu, 06 Feb 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick more stories about the life of David. Nick learns that Saul was a really shitty dinner host.

David Does a Bad Thing

Thu, 30 Jan 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of David, Bathsheba, and Leonard Cohen’s “Hallelujah”. Nick learns that Alan really doesn’t like Susan Boyle.

Evie's Catholic Corner: Self-Flagellation, Relics, and Stigmata

Thu, 23 Jan 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick, Alan, and Adam listen to Evie talk about Catholicism. Nick learns that the (current) pope doesn’t like red shoes.

John the Baptist Loses His Head

Thu, 16 Jan 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of John the Baptist. Nick learns that knowing where your head is might be more difficult than you might assume.

Ehud: Righty Tighty, Lefty Stabby

Thu, 09 Jan 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Ehud. Nick learns that judges can be the funnest part of something (the Bible is the only thing, but still, it’s something).

Oh, SH!T! We've Got a Clip Show

Thu, 02 Jan 2020 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick, Alan, and Adam share some of the best moments of 2019. They all learn that cop outs can end up being more work than just making a regular episode.

Xmas All the Bits and Baubles

Thu, 26 Dec 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Nick and Adam attempt to guess the origins of American Christmas Traditions. Alan learns that Nick and Adam are easily distracted by stupid jokes.

Jael Performs Amateur Surgery

Thu, 19 Dec 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Jael. Nick learns that he’s not alone in loving his night milk.

Pass Me the Bible with John Cal - 1 Corinthians 13

Thu, 12 Dec 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, John Cal tells Nick, Alan, and Adam about 1 Corinthians 13. Adam and Alan learn that there might be parts of the bible that they don’t have issues with.

Tower of Babel Had a Failure to Communicate

Thu, 05 Dec 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of the Tower of Babel. Nick learns that sometimes the conspiracy theory is worth the wait.

Jehu Drives Like Jehu

Thu, 28 Nov 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Jehu. Nick learns that when your commander comes out of his tent, covered in oil, you’re going to war!

Fairness is an Illusion

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the parable of the Talents and the parable of the Workers. Nick learns that Alan would have broken Adam’s toys on purpose.

Sodom and Gomorrah Do/Don't Like Strangers

Thu, 14 Nov 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about Sodom and Gomorrah. Nick learns that sometimes offering your children up as sacrifice isn’t the answer.

Good Samaritan and a Couple of A-holes

Thu, 07 Nov 2019 08:00:00 -0800

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the parable of the Good Samaritan. Nick learns that maybe all priests are Levites, but not all Levites are priests…or maybe all Levites are priests, honestly we’re not sure.

Moses Does Some Magic, Part 2 of 2

Thu, 31 Oct 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam start to tell Nick about the story of Moses. Nick learns that Pharaoh was real bad at keeping his word, but, also, Moses and Aaron were SUPER naive.

Moses Does Some Magic, Part 1 of 2

Thu, 24 Oct 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam start to tell Nick about the story of Moses. Nick learns that when your wife throws foreskins at your feet, the message is up to interpretation.

Bible Battle Bracket - Round 1

Thu, 17 Oct 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam battle it out as Nick hosts a bracket of the biblical characters we’ve met so far. Nick and Adam learn that there’s a fine line between loving God and loving cocaine.

Joseph Might Have Sleeves, Part 2 of 2

Thu, 10 Oct 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam continue to tell Nick about the story of Joseph. Nick learns Joseph was a really sensitive guy.

Joseph Might Have Sleeves, Part 1 of 2

Thu, 03 Oct 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam start to tell Nick about the story of Joseph. Nick learns that too much sass ends up with your ass in a pit.

Balaam and His Talking Ass

Thu, 26 Sep 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Balaam and the talking donkey. Nick learns that when your ass starts talking, you should listen, it might just save your life.

Prodigal Son Has a Good Dad (and a Shitty Brother)

Thu, 19 Sep 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of the Prodigal Son. Nick learns that Adam has a very strong distrust of carob being passed off as chocolate.

David Uses an Effective Weapon

Thu, 12 Sep 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of David and Goliath. Nick learns that Joel Embiid could take Goliath in a fight.

Joshua Commits Genocide

Thu, 05 Sep 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Joshua and the Battle of Jericho. Nick learns that some really popular Bible stories are much darker than Alan and Adam remember.

Noah Makes a Floating Outhouse

Thu, 29 Aug 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Noah. Nick learns that Christian scientists might be more Christian than scientist.

Daniel Goes on a Diet, Part 2 of 2

Thu, 22 Aug 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick some more of the stories of Daniel. Nick learns that Darius Rucker didn't actually rule Babylon.

Daniel Goes on a Diet, Part 1 of 2

Thu, 15 Aug 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick some of the the stories of Daniel. Nick learns that Jesus is fire-proof.

Saul/Paul is Blinded by the Light

Thu, 08 Aug 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Saul/Paul. Nick learns how to escape being murdered by going over the city wall in a basket.

Evie's Catholic Corner - Saint Agatha and Saint Sebastian

Thu, 01 Aug 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan, Adam, and Nick learn about Saint Agatha and Saint Sebastian from Evie. All three learn that only in the Catholic Church can boob cakes and arrowed gay icons be related.

Jesus Spits on People, Part 2 of 2

Thu, 25 Jul 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the rest of the miracles of Jesus. Nick learns Jesus's entire ministry was just one long marketing campaign for 'Joseph of Nazareth's Carpentry Service'.

Jesus Spits on People, Part 1 of 2

Thu, 18 Jul 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the miracles of Jesus. Nick learns about how Jesus got a little tipsy at a wedding and over did his first miracle.

Esther Wins a Beauty Contest

Thu, 11 Jul 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Esther. Nick learns just how much information one man can collect while spending his entire day at the city gate.

Jacob Marries Cousins

Thu, 04 Jul 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Jacob and Esau. Nick learns what a man will do to marry his cousin...and then his other cousin.

Samson Brings the House Down

Thu, 27 Jun 2019 09:11:01 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Samson. Nick learns that Samson isn't a cool, vegan straight edge kind of guy.

Zacchaeus Was a Wee Little Man

Thu, 20 Jun 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Zacchaeus.

Job Loses the Farm

Thu, 13 Jun 2019 09:00:00 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick the story of Job.

Jonah and the Not-a-Whale

Thu, 06 Jun 2019 10:38:36 -0700

In this episode, Alan and Adam tell Nick about the story of Jonah.

King James Virgin Trailer

Sat, 01 Jun 2019 16:00:00 -0700

Welcome to the King James Virgin podcast, where Alan and Adam tell their friend Nick Bible stories from their childhood. Adam recalls them from memory, while Alan re-reads them and corrects him. All three then discuss the story, their memories, unrelated topics, and really anything they want. It's good, you should give it a listen.