Ireland has a history of failing to protect our children, yet we continue to stand by and watch those in positions of power, demonstrate that they have learnt nothing from the past.  These same officials are seen delivering apologies to victims’ way after the damage is done, followed closely with empty promises that they must not let the same thing happen again.  They have no difficulty finding millions to support war-torn Ukrainians, all the while ignoring the war being waged on innocent children in their own homes.

“How could we not get involved?”

Explaining that early intervention is vital to save a child victim of sexual abuse living a life filled with pain and suffering shouldn’t be necessary.  All we can do is tell you what we feel would have been different for us if organisations like CARI were around and accessible when we were children.

Back then, they couldn’t have stopped the abuse, but they could have helped us understand its impacts, and why our thoughts, beliefs and behaviours were so damaging to ourselves and those around us as a direct result of the abuse.

One of the most important things we have come to understand as survivors of abuse, are the tools or techniques we used as children to survive the abuse, and the fact that using those techniques didn’t stop when the sexual abuse ended.  In fact, they became more complex and embedded in our personalities.

Because we were still mentally and physically developing, our response to the abuse was instinctual, borne out of fear and altering how we viewed ourselves and the world forever. These changes to our personalities had the potential to destroy us and became the very things that made moving forward almost impossible.

Disassociation is how we avoided feeling the full impacts of being raped. Although we each experienced dissociation, there were some experiences that were unique to each of us. June describes on a few occasions how the trauma was so overwhelming she would leave her body, describing floating over herself looking down on what was happening. Joyce would pick a spot on the wall and focus on that. Paula describes sitting in a darkened room in her mind until the abuse was over.

Disassociation helped us to not spend every waking moment thinking about the abuse. It forced us to live in the present. It wasn’t denial, but a coping mechanism. The past was painful, the future was fearful, so staying present gave us a form of escape from our feelings and protected us from going mad.

Disassociation numbed all our feelings, good and bad. Because the abuse happened around the age of 3-4 and went on for over a decade for each of us, dissociation became a way of being.  After the abuse ended, it was our norm, causing all sorts of relational issues and so, what saved us as children nearly destroyed us as adults.  If someone had explained to us the lasting damage that this particular technique does, and that the danger was over, and it was safe to leg go, how different our lives could have been.

Compartmentalisation describes how we stored the memories of our abuse. Because the levels of trauma involved were so great, the memories seemed to fragment and get stored in different parts of our minds. It was the body's way of protecting us, sadly later in life this made uncovering the whole truth about what happened to us extremely difficult.  The age we were abused, and the details of the abuse were frustratingly difficult to recall. This is also why victims of abuse make really bad witnesses in court. They may recall only portions of memories and doubt themselves and think they are going mad.

Because we didn’t receive love and support as children and the fact that of our two main caregivers, our mother was emotionally unavailable, and our father sexually abused us, it was a natural progression for each of us to develop problems with making attachments. Attachment disorders developed causing each of us to struggle with trust and we were even unable to trust ourselves. We had no experience of what love looked or felt like and this made relationships very difficult.   There is just no way to avoid issues with sex and sexuality after sexual abuse. We suffered deeply with a lack of self-worth and self-hatred leading to long periods of depression and suicidal ideation.

In our experience, we did more damage with our warped views of ourselves and the world long after the abuse ended. If these thoughts and beliefs had been interrupted or challenged as children, who knows where our lives would have gone. But without support or help this became our truth as adults, the cycle continued to be passed down until we went seeking the answers ourselves.

 These are just a few or the many conditions and disorder we developed as a result of being abused as children.  What we needed as children was someone to tell us we were innocent, we did nothing wrong, we were victims, and it was our father that had done wrong.

It is an absolute disgrace that thirty odd years after our case was in the courts we are still fighting for the protection of children. We believe it is imperative that a child who discloses sexual abuse be told how brave they are, that they did nothing wrong, that this should never have happened to them and that they are loved and will be protected.

It is not rocket science. Children shouldn’t have to wait until they have messed up their lives to receive help. A child needs love. If after being abused, a child is left with only their own thoughts and underdeveloped emotional intelligence, there will not be a good outcome. People are so uncomfortable with this topic, and they just want it to go away. “It is not going away until we change how we respond to this crime.”

“It is not going away until we change

how we respond to this crime.”

Our government’s response to not protecting children must be challenged. We must speak out if we are to ever see our children heal and grow into healthy, happy adults. They can’t do it without our help, so stand up, speak out, demand better because our children deserve better than this.

Welcome back everyone to our first podcast in almost 2 years.  As life is returning to some semblance of normality, we felt it was time to ease back into our work. The reason we stood back from social media for so long was purely about self-preservation.  We all realised quickly into the pandemic, that we were each feeling triggered by all the restrictions that were in place and so, to protect ourselves and our mental health, we felt social media, podcasts and our website was too difficult for us to manage as we each retreated into our own form of survival mode. 

Because the pandemic had such an impact on us, we decided we would use our first podcast to share our experience of covid with you in the hope you might find it helpful. Because although no one on this planet has not been impacted by covid to varying degrees, we believe victims of childhood sexual abuse would have found covid and all the restrictions particularly triggering but may not make the connection to their abuse.

It’s important to know you are not alone and what you feel is ok and completely normal.  We welcome all feedback or suggestions on topics you would like us to cover in the coming months.

Take Care 

Joyce, June & Paula xxx

 In this week’s podcast (episode 39) we will once again be joined by Leona O’Callaghan, founder of Haven Hub and Sophia Murphy both survivors of childhood sexual abuse.

We will talk about our reactions to the four-part Netflix docu-series - Jeffery Epstein: Filthy Rich and how we feel he managed to evade the authorities while sexually abusing and trafficking hundreds of young girls with the assistance of his companion Ghislaine Maxwell.

Today Thursday the 2nd July we hear how Ghislaine Maxwell has been arrested by the FBI and look forward to watching just how her case is managed. Will she be given a lighter sentence or even handled differently through the legal system? Will she name others involved or get to make a plea deal to evade any jail time at all? We certainly think a lot of powerful rich men will be having many uncomfortable nights moving forward.

In the podcast we talk about how difficult it is for everyone to understand these particular victims of abuse. Especially those that return to the abuser time and time again. We discuss how even us as victims of abuse have struggled to explain just how this can happen and the difficulty in understanding and explaining the whole grooming process and how prolific abusers manage to select the vulnerable and normalise what they are doing, all the while surrounded by others that knowingly shield them from the authorities and take part in the abuse themselves.

It is vital that we understand how victims can feel complicit and even responsible for the abuse they suffer at the hands of these men. We need to explore the many reasons why these men are allowed to continually abuse young vulnerable girls and how societies turning a blind eye is not good enough.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

In today’s podcast (episode 38) we are joined by Sophia Murphy, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and Leona O Callaghan, founder of Haven Hub and also a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

Our conversations centre around how we each found that Covid19 restrictions triggered our childhood trauma. We talk about our increasing struggle to maintain the façade of coping well around friends and family the longer the restrictions were in place, and very importantly, we now realise as a result of our talk that we were getting a glimpse of how we coped as children.

We discuss how the daily and sometimes hourly announcements of the national and global death toll that was churned out on all media platforms completely traumatised everyone but in particular, the most vulnerable and how we see evidence all-around of the fear that has been instilled in particular cohorts of society. The government must be aware this approach is seriously damaging when it comes to the general public’s mental health.

Our elevated anxiety meant we each fell into old thought patterns and behaviours (not always consciously) along with a growing awareness and admiration of the strength it took as children to live in that constant state of fear and anxiety.

We hope these discussions help other victims of abuse and trauma recognise the connection between their abuse and the loss of autonomy through the Covid restrictions. It is important that you look after yourself and know that what you are experiencing is as a direct result of your past trauma.

On a positive note, this is an opportunity to look back and heal old wounds, to forgive and be gentle with yourself now you can see clearly the strength and courage of mind and body you had as a child not only because of the abuse but also keeping it a secret.

 Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

In todays’ podcast we talk to Maggie Oliver who is best known as the former Detective Constable in the Greater Manchester Police (GMP) who was the lead investigator and whistleblower in the Rochdale Sexual Abuse Scandal.

While in the GMP, Maggie worked on two major child sex trafficking operations, Operation Augusta and later Operation Spam (more commonly known as the Rochdale Scandal). 

In the Rochdale operation 9 men were prosecuted for the sexual abuse and trafficking of teenage girls by mainly men of Pakistani background. Maggie claims that these convictions have barely scratched the surface of this highly organised crime group that numbers hundreds of perpetrators and countless young victims.

It was whilst working these cases she witnessed the continuous failures of Senior Officers to record the children’s allegations, to prosecute the serial offenders or to even protect these young victims.

In 2012 Maggie was forced to leave the police force in order to speak out publicly and expose this long-standing gross criminal neglect. Maggie was the first ever police officer to do this, she was very aware that her actions could lead to her arrest and incarceration.

In 2017 Maggie featured in the BBC Documentary ‘The Betrayed Girls’, along with working as a programme consultant on a BAFTA Award Winning BBC Drama called ‘Three Girls’ that was watched by over 9 million viewers in May of the same year.

Maggie is a regular guest on ‘ITV’s Loose Women’ where back in 2016 she started the ‘Never Too Late To Tell’ campaign to encourage all survivors of sexual assault to speak out.  Maggie also appeared in ‘Celebrity Big Brother’ in 2018 -the year of the women hoping to share her message to a wider audience.

Maggie’s more recent endeavours has led to her setting up a charity called ‘The Maggie Oliver Foundation’ to provide support to survivors of sexual abuse and help them move on with their lives.  Maggie has also just published her own book ‘Survivors: My Fight to Expose the Rochdale Grooming Scandal’  that tells the story of a woman brave enough to speak out and a group of girls who found the strength to fight for justice after having their lives completely shattered by their abusers; together they show in shocking detail why this must never happen again.

Maggie says that she is just an ordinary woman trying to do the right thing by these young children that have and continue to be let down by the state. In our opinion Maggie is certainly not an ordinary woman, but a brave, honest, determined woman that won’t give up until she gets justice for the tens of thousands of victims of sexually abused children.

YOU CAN FOLLOW MAGGIE ON THE FOLLOWING:

Facebook:       https://www.facebook.com/MaggieoliverUK/

Twitter:            https://twitter.com/MaggieOliverUK

Foundation:     www.themaggieoliverfoundation.com  

Email:             info@themaggieoliverfoundation.co.uk

Website:          http://maggieoliver.co.uk/about/

Linkedin:         https://www.linkedin.com/in/maggie-oliver-38b58639/

In today’s podcast (episode 36) we will be talking to Dr Joanne Nelson a Consultant Paediatrician in University Hospital Galway, a medical forensic examiner in child sexual assault cases and the Clinical Director of the Child and Adolescent Sexual Assault Treatment Service in Galway

A Belfast woman, Joanne moved to Galway in 2008 where she was shocked to discover that there were no local child sexual assault units.  She could not understand why the services were either not there or not accessible and she felt that children had no voice and so she wanted to change that.  She was instrumental in setting up a city-based Child and Adolescent Sexual Assault Treatment Unit (CASATS) in 2011 offering a 24-hour service to children in west and mid-west.

In 2018 Joanne was one of the specialists involved in the development of the National Guidelines on Referral and Forensic Clinical Examination Following Rape and Sexual Assault (Ireland).

Joanne speaks in detail about what a medical forensic examination is and process of how pre-verbal children are assessed medically following an allegation of sexual abuse. She outlines her hopes for the future and the importance of offering a gold standard treatment in medical forensic examinations across the island of Ireland. She also outlines the need for a 24-hour call service because to date only Galway offer afterhours services and how a child sexually presenting with sexual abuse cannot access a service if the abuse happens after normal working hours.

Joanne most recent research publication into Child Abuse and Neglect; is 'Variability in Child Protection Medical Evaluations of Suspected Physical Abuse in Four European Countries: A Vignette Study', outlines a number of key messages for practitioners to improve child services.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

Read more (link below) about the full range of treatments & assessments undertaking in a forensic medical examination and the Child and Adolescent Sexual Assault Treatment Service in Ireland.

https://www2.hse.ie/services/child-and-adolescent-forensic-medical-assessment-services/child-and-adolescent-forensic-medical-assessment-services.htmlhttps://www2.hse.ie/services/child-and-adolescent-forensic-medical-assessment-services/child-and-adolescent-forensic-medical-assessment-services.html

You may think that I should not be taking it so personal as the government are ‘supposedly’ only looking out for me. It’s just the only other time someone was supposed to be ‘looking out for me’ was when I was a child and my father exerted similar measures in order to control me, granting him the freedom to regularly rape and abuse me.

The daily onslaught of death notices and reminders to stay inside, only serve to further frighten and confuse me. The more I listen to the various experts on both sides of the fence, the worse I feel. So here is why I think my childhood anxiety/trauma has come to the surface again.  

If I were to write a step by step guidebook on how to groom a child for abuse, it would be similar to what is happening with the covid crisis.

ABUSE: After telling the child you care about them, begin slowly introducing fear into the child’s life. At the same time introduce rules that must be followed; small rules to begin with that will help you gauge how compliant the child is.

COVID – The government reassured us on how we will get through this if we all work together, consistently reminding us of the severity of the consequences (instilling fear) if we do not wash hands, coughing into our sleeve, and stay away from others.

ABUSE: Increase the fear gradually over time and introduce more rules that must be followed. This will ensure the child will keep your secret and feel it is for their own good. If done correctly – this will be followed without question.

COVID – Government daily death counts, reminders of the rules and consequences for us all if not followed. Increasing the restrictions gradually – introduce more things to fear- objects, surfaces – widen the group to stay away from and include those most vulnerable (elderly, sick).

ABUSE: While continuing to increase the fear, introduce catastrophic consequences for telling your secret. Make them responsible for others – (if you tell anyone, your mother will leave; your brothers and sisters will be taken into care). This will ensure the child feels responsible for the safety of others instilling a sense of guilt and fear.

COVID – Push the need to use hand sanitisers, wear masks and gloves. This will make sure you understand that it’s your responsibility to protect others, if you don’t you could kill someone you love.  Increased isolation for everyone making it against the rules to visit loved ones especially those that need support like elderly parents and those suffering or dying with an illness.

ABUSE: Assert your opinions on the child. Insist you are the only one that will tell them the truth, everyone else will only lie to them. Convince them that you are the only one that can protect and care for them. Keep up the fear levels warning that outside the home is unsafe.  

COVID – Maintain daily bulletins, announce deaths while showing images of body bags and communal graves. Denounce other media reports as false or dangerous sources that you should ignore. This is a sure way to make you compliant, afraid, and responsible for everyone.

ABUSE: Undermine the child at every turn, tell them they are stupid, ignorant and know nothing. Criticize their choices and opinions. Maintain control over their movements, activities, and relationships. Let them know that no one is to be trusted but you.

COVID- Take away independence and create dependency through job losses while providing just enough financial aid. This will make people believe that you really do care in case they are wavering. Encourage division asking people to be vigilant and report on their neighbours’ activities – after all its in everyone’s best interest.

ABUSE – Ok collect your diploma – you now have total control over every aspect of the child’s life and the acceptance by the child that this is just how it is.

COVID- Normalise the situation, make it routine, provide small rewards for correct behaviours. Lift restrictions gradually while make it understood that you can take them back if people don’t behave.

A perfect breeding ground for abuse is when an individual is vulnerable, isolated, and totally dependent on someone else for their survival. This will also ensure that the child or adult learns to ignore their natural instincts and will not turn to those they know and love for support. For me, the current crisis makes me feel like I’m right back in my home with my father controlling the narrative. I’m being told to ignore what I’m feeling because after all, aren’t we all in this together. However, after all the years of work I’ve done to reconnect with myself and trust my gut, I refuse to fall into that trap again.

I constantly hear government officials stating that they are the only source I should be going to for information.  This automatically makes me feel uneasy.  I have spent years overcoming my ability to blindly follow and not question what I’m being told. To assume others, know better, understand more and are smarter than me. It took so long to reconnect with my gut feelings and trust myself when something feels wrong.  For me it’s healthy to question what I’m being told. I am no longer willing to ignore what I feel. I have the right to ask questions, to seek answers, to allow for other opinions and viewpoints. To make up my own mind when I have access to all the information, and not just go along because it’s the easier option to avoid conflict.

I now understand the importance of listening to myself. I no longer fear my own instincts, my need to question anything that feels wrong or uncomfortable. I’m not trying to sway anyone to believe one thing or another. I am merely pointing out that regardless of what you believe, questioning what is happening around you is the healthiest thing you can do no matter what the outcome.

I am not suggesting that our government is grooming us for their own ends, however, I think it is appalling the way things unfolded. It is clear there was no care, planning or understanding of the effects on the mental health of victims of trauma, their families or those within their communities. Not one centre providing support to victims of trauma, be it rape, incest, or childhood abuse were given additional funding. In fact, all the current services suffered badly due to the inability to fundraise just to keep their doors open. Another thing, that is an utter disgrace given the surge of abuse cases which occurred as a direct result of the lockdown.

So, if like me you have been triggered during this crisis, know that it’s perfectly normal and understandable given our history with trauma. Understanding that the abuse of power in the hands of our abuser was reflected in the steps that this crisis brought, will at least help you make sense of your reactions and emotional responses over the past few months.  It is important that you mind yourself, your mental health and reach out for support to family or friends. I would urge you not to try to go it alone but talk to someone even if it is just the person on the other end of a confidential helpline.

By Paula Kavanagh

In today’s podcast we will be talking to J.P.O’Sullivan, Network & Communications Manager and Ann Mara, Education Manager for MECPATHS.

MECPATHS (Mercy Efforts for Child Protection Against Trafficking with the Hospitality Sector) is a social justice project that was established in 2013 as a response to the growing prevalence of Human Trafficking and the exploitation of people for profit, in Ireland.  Human trafficking is a growing activity and a major justice issue.

MECPATHS works in collaboration with private, statutory and non-statutory agencies such as An Garda Síochána and The Department of Justice & Equality to counter Human Trafficking. They deliver anti-trafficking training across the country for frontline professionals working in the areas of health, social work, law-enforcement and immigration.

Between 2009 and 2016, 512 victims of trafficking were identified, in Ireland. 334 of these victims were trafficked for sexual exploitation: 71% were female and 28% were children. The majority of these children were Irish. The Gardaí and those working to support victims believe these figures represent only the very tip of the iceberg of this hidden criminal activity.

It is vital that we all understand exactly what human trafficking is. We need to recognise that human trafficking is happening right here in Ireland and If we ever hope to save those trafficked, there are a number of things that need to happen urgently:

1. To support victims that come forward or are rescued, specialist training is required for a dedicated person/s in all frontline areas (social workers, nurses, doctors, teachers, service industry staff, etc) in order to understand the complex needs of those individuals.
2. We all need to understand what signs to look out for and who to report to, even if we only have suspicions or a gut feeling about a possible trafficked person/s.
3. If you see something, do something!

Take Care

Joyce, June & Paula  

Meditation can be described as a way of focusing your mind on a thought, mantra, or activity and is often used to achieve a mentally clear and emotionally clam states. For us meditation is a way to relax and can be a powerful tool to connect you with your inner peace.

We know that not everyone likes to meditate, and some find it extremely difficult to sit and quite the mind. If you are new to meditation, it is important that you know there is no right or wrong way to meditate. It is as individual as you are, and the duration is totally up to you.

We encourage meditation to help you on your healing journey and to this end we are developing a number of guided meditations, we hope they help you find inner peace. We have found listening to and following a story or adventure helped us take our minds off everyday worries and stresses and can be an easier way to stop your mind wondering.

Guided meditations can also relieve the pressure of trying to clear your mind, allowing you head space away from your everyday life.

 Take care

June Kavanagh

In today’s podcast (episode 34) we will be talking to Barbara Scanlon (Spokesperson) and Anna Kavanagh (Activist) of Alliance of Birth Mothers Campaigning for Justice.  ABC was established in June 2019 by birth mothers who have difficulties in their engagement with The Child and Family Agency (Tusla), the Gardai and the Family Law Courts. They are now seeking major reforms of Tusla, Family Law Courts and the Gardai.

Barbara and Anna talk opening and honestly about the ongoing difficulty the mothers they represent have, when it comes to anything to do with Tusla. They describe Tuslas complete incompetence and mismanagement of the children in their care. The increased powers that they have been given as a result of covid and how Government Minsters that have been approached by ABC fail to act on the behalf of these mothers regardless of the mounting evidence gathered.

We also discuss the growing difficulties experienced by women that no longer trust rape crisis and domestic violence centres since they have moved under the umbrella of Tusla and who also provides the majority of their funding.

The women speak about how time and time again they speak to mothers who are suicidal because social workers can come and take their children without their permission. The numerous times that mothers are forced by Tusla to hand over children to a parent that is abusing that child regardless of the evidence of that abuse.  They also speak about the rule of in-camera that silences these mothers and the coercion by social workers that make mothers sign their child into care with the threat that if they do not do this voluntarily the social worker will ensure that these mother will not see their child again until the child turns eighteen and no longer under care from Tusla.

This was a disturbing podcast but one that we feel needs to be heard. Tusla is growing in power and influence and they appear to be unaccountable to anyone. The women firmly believe that just like the scandals of the past involving mother and babies home Tusla’s incompetence and mistreatment of children will cost Ireland dearly as these children will never forgive us for turning a blind eye to what is happening.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

In today’s podcast (episode 33) we will be talking to Lisa Cuthbert, CEO of Prisoner Aid Through Community Effort (PACE).

Lisa has an extensive background in the criminal justice and social care field. As CEO of PACE since 1999, she has overseen the growth and development of PACE as the largest criminal justice not for profit service provider.

PACE was founded in 1969 by volunteers wishing to provide solutions to the problems of men released into homelessness. Lisa believes in working inclusively, with that in mind, PACE widened their supports to provide a three-pronged approach to working with people with convictions for harmful sexual behaviours classified as being – a high risk of re-offending.

The three approaches include (1) the Safer Lives treatment programme, (2) The Foothold Floating Support Service & (3) The Circles of Support & Accountability Programme (which is the first of its kind in Ireland).

Although PACE has a number of other services, our focus was on how they work with sex offenders and if the work they do is successful in terms of recidivism.

Knowing how few victims of sexual crimes receive any form of justice and the difficulty accessing affordable therapeutic services, we are aware that this interview could upset or anger a lot of people. Many victims, quite understandably, may not be happy with offenders receiving any supports at all. However, we believe that if we ever hope to eradicate sexual abuse from all our lives, we simply cannot continue to avoid, (no matter how distasteful it is to us) working with the perpetrators. We need to go to the cause of all this pain and suffering instead of endlessly picking up the pieces after them. The victim should always be the priority in terms of support and services, but it is all in vain if we do lot look this tiger in the eye.

Sexual abuse and the reasons for it are complex. There is no ‘one’ solution, we all must work together and do whatever we can to change our societies current position in terms of the delay in recognition of the magnitude and impact it has on our world.   

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula 

In today’s podcast (episode 32) we will be talking to Noeline Blackwell, CEO of the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre (DRCC).

In 2012 Noleen was reported as being one of Irelands Ten Most Influential Women for her relentless defence of those with no legal resources. Noeline took up her position as CEO of the DRCC in 2016 and feels strongly about the need for victims to be protected and perpetrators held accountable through challenging and ultimately changing societies tolerance of sexual crimes. She believes that the centre’s holistic approach to sexual crimes through not only offering therapeutic services but offering education and awareness programmes is the best way forward to achieve a positive outcome for all of society.

The DRCC works to prevent the harm and heal the trauma of sexual violence by working with men and women who have experienced sexual assault, rape or childhood sexual abuse. Noeline believes that the centre’s holistic approach to sexual crimes through not only offering therapeutic services but offering education and awareness programmes is the best way forward to achieve a positive outcome for all of society.

The centre offers a range of services and education and training programmes, they also provide counselling through the National 24-hour service and advocate on behalf of survivors of sexual violence so they can gain access to law enforcement officials, medical personnel and the courts.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

For more details on the services provided by DRCC click on the link https://www.drcc.ie/get-help-and-information/faqs/

In today’s podcast (episode 31) we will be talking to Sophia Murphy, a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.

In July 2018 Sophia’s father, John Murphy, a 61-year-old former member of the Irish Defence Forces received a sentence of 18 years in prison.  Her father plead guilty to the sexual assault and rape of his eldest daughter Sophia from the ages of 3 to 15. He was already serving a 5-year sentence on a previous abuse case when Sophia’s case was heard.

In September 2019 she appeared on ‘The Late Late Show’ with Ryan Turbridy where she spoke about her own experience of abuse and urged other victims to come forward.  In October of the same year Sophia took part in ‘Finné’ a TG4 documentary series where she shared how she (as one reporter wrote) ‘triumphed over adversity and came to terms with her fathers’ conviction.

This is a powerful interview which some may find extremely triggering but is so worth the listen. Sophia’s courage and bravery of not only facing her demons but speaking openly about them will help so many survivors understand why speaking up can be so hard. It will also help them see, that who they are today does not warrant self-hatred but empathy, forgiveness, and self-love.

Sophia’s candid recollection brings with it a better understanding of the deep shame and guilt survivors have such difficulty letting go of. It will also help victims see how feelings of guilt and shame are gifted to them by their abuser and freedom will come with the understanding that those feelings were never theirs in the first place.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

Lecturer at the School of Social Policy, Social Work & Social Justice,

University of College Dublin

Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-hour Helpline is open 1800 77 8888

In today’s podcast (episode 30) we will be talking to Dr, Marie Keenan, Associate Professor, Lecturer at the School of Social Policy, Social Work & Social Justice, University of College Dublin.

Dr Keenan speaks of how she, along with two other colleagues established the Granada Institute in Dublin in 1995. How they designed and delivered a treatment programme for clergy and laymen who had perpetrated sexual crimes against minors and what parameters they worked within. Marie speaks openly and honestly about the frustration she feels at the government’s inability to put in place appropriate workable solutions in response to sexual crime, including restorative justice going forward. 

Marie is one of the few people in Ireland working in Restorative Justice in relation to perpetrators and victims of sexual abuse. She explains the process involved for those that may be interested in confronting their abusers in a safe environment. She a fierce proponent of using restorative justice in the realms of sexual abuse or sexual violence cases and believes that a restorative approach will provide victims with a sense of justice that the majority of victims may never get going through our deeply flawed justice system.

Dr Keenan’s research credentials both academically and in her professional practice are extensive and impressive. She remains committed to providing workable solutions for victims of sexual crimes both in and out of our justice system and has no intention of stopping any day soon.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

For her full bio on Dr Marie Keenan  - click on the link below https://people.ucd.ie/marie.keenan

You can do what you want I can’t run away What are you’re doing? I don’t understand. I thought we were playing Was this part of a plan?

Do all daddies do this? Am I really that bad? Can’t you see I don’t want this? Don’t you care that I’m sad?

You mustn’t know what you are doing You’re making a mistake. This couldn’t be on purpose You wouldn’t make me shake.

Everything is different now Forever and a day. No matter what I tell myself This won’t go away.

I have to give up now What can I do? I’m so very little and I trusted you.

I don’t know what I am now or how I’m going to be I don’t think that I’m strong enough Cause all I’ve got is me.

Looking back now I can hardly believe It wasn’t just others But me I deceived

I had to go back to find me and save me and rescue me from all the pain that he gave me

Although it was hard and it took a long time The journey was worth it to find what was mine

Sometimes I can’t believe it when I see how far I’ve come No more am I a victim No longer on the run

I’ve found some inner peace now I’ve healed a lot of pain I’m still a work in progress but no longer need to blame

I never thought I’d say this I’ve grown to love my life It’s not without its challenges But I’m a happy mother, friend, sister and wife

I've hated my body for the longest time

because it is what he used

Why did my dad take what was mine?

Leaving me sore and confused

I thought my body had let me down

 I blamed it for my pain

 The way I looked filled me with disgust

 I couldn’t bear the shame!

Sex and sexuality

brought out in me such fear

even if I liked someone

I couldn’t let them near

Weight was always an issue

I think it’s’ because he was fat

 I later used food to comfort myself

 and ended up looking like that

 For me, this was unforgiveable

 I felt I looked ugly like him

 I couldn’t control my eating

 I didn’t know where to begin

 I didn’t always succeed

 but I got better every day

 The more I learned to love myself

 the weight just fell away

 Then one day I decided

 I’ll have no more of this

 I tried bringing in love from heaven above

 determined to find my bliss!

 I can never take for granted

 that my work is ever done

 But I see the path before me now

 and I'm determined to have some fun.

what we don’t realise is all the other people who now get victimised.

Its only human nature Whenever we’re in pain To look outside ourselves For someone else to blame

Although without intention this causes untold pain Countless innocent families are left with guilt and shame

Guilt by association is how some families feel mothers in particular get the raw end of the deal

It’s assumed they let it happen it’s believed they must have known no benefit of doubt or compassion ever shown

For mothers who are innocent we must try to understand How much they need to be believed and offered a helping hand.

Vilifying mothers will only make them weak For improvement what we need is to encourage them to speak

Because there are no answers this crime is unexplainable We gain no understanding which makes closure unobtainable

The families of abusers always seem to pay for the crime the abuser may get a sentence but the families do the time

It’s time we offered help to all now we know what’s involved Innocents are suffering that must be resolved

This crime leaves many victims and breaks many hearts With far too many innocents whose lives are torn apart

Think on this the next time you hear a story on the news There is more involved than what you see in a story of abuse

In this meditation you will receive an answer from your guides to a question that has been on your mind for some time.

Meditation can be described as a way of focusing your mind on a thought, mantra, or activity and is often used to achieve a mentally clear and emotionally clam states. For us meditation is a way to relax and can be a powerful tool to connect you with your inner peace.

We know that not everyone likes to meditate, and some find it extremely difficult to sit and quite the mind. If you are new to meditation, it is important that you know there is no right or wrong way to meditate. It is as individual as you are, and the duration is totally up to you.

We encourage meditation to help you on your healing journey and to this end we are developing a number of guided meditations, we hope they help you find inner peace. We have found listening to and following a story or adventure helped us take our minds off everyday worries and stresses and can be an easier way to stop your mind wondering.

Guided meditations can also relieve the pressure of trying to clear your mind, allowing you head space away from your everyday life.

Meditation can be described as a way of focusing your mind on a thought, mantra, or activity and is often used to achieve a mentally clear and emotionally clam states. For us meditation is a way to relax and can be a powerful tool to connect you with your inner peace.

We know that not everyone likes to meditate, and some find it extremely difficult to sit and quite the mind. If you are new to meditation, it is important that you know there is no right or wrong way to meditate. It is as individual as you are, and the duration is totally up to you.

We encourage meditation to help you on your healing journey and to this end we are developing a number of guided meditations, we hope they help you find inner peace. We have found listening to and following a story or adventure helped us take our minds off everyday worries and stresses and can be an easier way to stop your mind wondering.

Guided meditations can also relieve the pressure of trying to clear your mind, allowing you head space away from your everyday life.

In today’s podcast (episode 29) we will be talking to Leona O Callaghan, founder of Haven Hub, a voluntary organisation opened in November 2019 and based in Limerick dealing with late night suicide prevention.

We speak to Leona who is a survivor of childhood sexual abuse about her decision to wave her anonymity in-order to name her rapist who received an 18-year sentence in 2018. She speaks openly and candidly about how her abuse has led to her repeated attempts at suicide, and how her children have also been strongly impacted by her abuse.

Leona speaks about why she was driven to organise a number of events around sexual violence like ‘The Red Shoe Event’ for women who have lost their lives through violence.  Leona is a strong advocate for survivors’ rights and in May 2019 Leona spoke before the Bar of Ireland’s Conference ‘Laws and Effects’ in Co. Laois alongside running ‘The Clothes Don’t Rape Exhibition’ to highlight the problems with our justice system and how victims are revictimized during court cases.

Leona’s passion and commitment to support other victims of sexual violence led to her opening Irelands first ‘Survivors Support Anonymous 12 Step Programme’ a peer led support group. We talk about the difficulties in running support groups aimed at survivors of sexual trauma and how she has designed a programme focused on improving participants lives through providing appropriate tools to help them move forward with hope.

You would not be blamed for thinking that this interview would be hard listening and maybe even fall into feeling sorry for Leona. But we can honestly say that listening to Leona telling her story you will not leave this interview with any of those concerns. Leona is a strong, formidable woman who demonstrated to us all that speaking out can bring you from a dark place into a hopeful future.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

In today’s podcast (episode 28 – ‘The Importance of Responsible Journalism’), we speak with Peter McGuire a freelance journalist who regularly contributes to The Irish Times and to Noteworthy.ie - the investigative unit of TheJournal.ie about his experience of reporting on child sexual abuse and domestic violence.  

Formerly Peter was a university lecturer in Irish Folklore at UCD. His specialist areas include health, education, science, youth affairs, consumer and human interest. He also has extensive investigative experience. In 2016, Peter received a grant from the Mary Raftery Journalism Fund to work on a series of articles on child sexual abuse.

His latest articles, published on Noteworthy, investigate the experience of domestic abuse and child abuse victims during the Covid-19 pandemic and will be published from Monday 20th and Tuesday 21st April 2020.

We talk to Peter about the impact the media has on victims of abuse and how poor reporting can have such negative influences for everyone when it comes to understanding the complexities of this crime. We discuss how using the wrong terminology when reporting any sexual crimes can have far reaching consequences when trying to encourage people to invest in the supports of its victims and what changes he feels need to happen to improve not only a journalist understanding of abuse but how to ensure that victims do not feel used by the media when telling of their experiences.

We hope by sharing our experiences and observations of working with the media we will help not only other victims who come forward but also the journalists who report on them to see that we all have firstly, a duty of care to the victim, but also a responsibility to not sensationalise peoples life experiences.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

In today's podcast (episode 27 - Were there's a will -they can find a way) we continue delving into the intense fear gripping the world today and how it relates to and impacts victims of childhood sexual abuse and trauma. We talk about the underlying global pandemic of child sexual abuse and how its victims have been failed time and time again by those in positions of power.

We consider how different our lives could be if they just had the will to make the necessary changes. We also talk about the current services that are in crisis, and if considered essential services, why have they not received any additional funding at a time when the need for such specialist supports are vital to thousands of victims.

We will be discussing what has to happen to tackle the offenders of child sexual abuse and the growing incidents of domestic violence during this time, when victims are basically trapped into a pressure cooker environment with their abusers. How in our opinion, there is an urgent need for change in how we approach the treatment and support to both victims and abusers and how we all need to pull together if we are ever to end these horrendous crimes that impact us all.

We hope by sharing our experiences and observations we will help others know they are not alone and women and children need to be given the best opportunities to live a life without fear

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

It occurred to me while recording our latest podcast that the Corona pandemic may provide us the perfect opportunity to succeed in this endeavor as we now have a real life experience of intense fear that everyone alive can relate to, which could improve the likelihood and willingness of people in positions of power to finally understand why it can take a lifetime to recover from being sexually abused.

To fully utilise the experience of fear gripping the world today to for the greater good and help us fuel the desired outcome I would like to demonstrate a small comparison between the fear experienced by children who are sexually abused and where we find ourselves today.

I woke to the sound of my alarm and as I reached to grab my phone, for a split second I forgot what was happening in the world and thought about the job I once looked so forward to going to.

When reality kicked in, I felt a heaviness in my chest from a mixture of anxiety and fear. I gave out to myself yet again for not deleting my alarm as it is now three weeks since I left my home and it doesn’t look like that will change anytime soon.

I delay getting up and turn on my tv to block out the silence only to be hit with another news bulletin about how many deaths worldwide has occurred overnight. Fresh warnings about staying indoors run across the bottom of the screen and the warning that the police were mounting roadblocks to stop you if you break the curfew.

I feel a tightness in the pit of my stomach that is now a constant, along with the unwelcome sound of my heart pounding.  I feel the familiar sensations of tingling rushing through my body and I sit on the side of the bed screaming in my head, in an attempt to stop the inevitable panic that is coming.

The voice on the TV keeps repeating ‘stay at home’ like it’s a new mantra. Don’t listen to any news source but us as there is a lot of fake news out there and it will only get you distressed. Trust no one, not even your grandchildren, as they may be infected, we are the only ones that you should go to for the truth, We have your best interest at heart, We are here doing our best to protect you and will always put your health first.

Social media bombards you with repeating the death toll and how easy it is to be infected by standing too close to someone, or touching your face or an item that comes through the post because the virus can be still alive for a long time after an infected person touches it.

I am terrified all the time, I don’t know who to listen to and the voice in my head won’t stop as it tells me I could get sick and die all alone surrounded by people in hazmat suits. So, I stay isolated and alone every day. I am too afraid to go outside and yet I feel just as afraid indoors. I feel so trapped and alone. Who can I speak to, no one will understand, and they won’t believe just how bad it is? I am not sure I could explain this feeling. I am afraid of everyone and everything.

When I do speak to other members of my family on the phone, they all seem to be coping just fine, so I am not going to tell them how bad I am. They seem to be handling this situation so much better than me so it must be me. I must be mad or weak or stupid. I don’t think they really care about me.  I would feel ashamed and embarrassed telling them I’m terrified. They have their own lives to live. I am all alone in this, I’ll have to find a way to cope.

I try but struggle to change my focus, my legs won’t work, I have no one to call they are at least an hour’s drive from me, so they won’t be able to arrive on time to save me. The tears start to stream down my cheeks, and I can’t breathe what will I do? I think about dying alone in a makeshift hospital surrounded by people in hazmat suits. God what a way to go.

I reach into my dresser to grab more painkillers. These pills the doctor prescribed to lessen my panic leave me feeling exhausted and not wanting to do anything, so I climb back into bed and pull the covers up over my head.

JUST ANOTHER DAY IN MY CHILDHOOD

I woke abruptly to the covers being pulled off me and I scramble to pull my nightdress down to cover myself. “get the fuck up now” he said  

I immediately feel the heaviness in my chest of anxiety and fear. My movements are laboured, and my heart is heavy because I dread facing another day of hell.

I get dressed and head downstairs only to hear him shouting at everyone “get the fuck out to work ‘Now’ and I won’t tell you again”

I slowly walk out to work in the factory (it’s a large extension attached to our home) and hear him, in response to a question telling one of my brothers that he shouldn’t listen to the news reports its all fucking lies anyway and if he wants to know anything just ask him.

My father is a bully who rules the house with lies, intimidation and fear. He has control over where and when I go anywhere, what I do with my time, who I see and what I watch on tv and what I listen to on the radio.

He is constantly telling us that no one can be trusted and that family stick together and that he is the only one who can protect us.

He is always clicking his fingers shouting out orders to everyone.  I am cleaning up when I feel him behind me, I know what he wants, the hairs on my neck stand up and my heart is thumping, the blood is rushing to my head. There is no escape, no one coming to save me, I escape in the only way I know, by going inside my head to a dark space until its over.

Because of this pandemic I may no longer need expressions like, imagine if this was you, only to see people struggle to either bring an image or an emotion to the surface. Although I believe childhood fear during abuse is worse than the fear we are all being exposed during this pandemic, I still feel, when I explain the fear and anxiety I grew up with, everyone now has some sense of what childhood fear can feel like not only for me but for those like me.

Today the source of that fear comes in messages we receive daily such as, the fear of what could happen if we don’t stay at home and stay away from others. We are asked not to buy into conspiracy theories or streams of information coming from social media stating that we should only trust reliable sources, we don’t ask who these reliable sources are but instead we accept they are, as we are told in the media. We are assured that our government have our best interest at heart and that they are here to protect and guide us.

The people holding all the control can go unchallenged because we all want to believe that no one would willingly hurt us. The same applies to children being abused, quite often by someone they know and trust. As children they are hurt and confused as they too don’t want to believe someone would willingly hurt them.  

The feelings of self-hatred and blame destroy any chance of the child breaking free from their situation and just like all of us today they adapt to their environment and do all they can to bury the fear and anxiety. Sadly these feelings become a way of life and although they are often unconscious, they can lead to an inability to ask for help.

My hope is that you can see through this small example how today's pandemic could be triggering for survivors of childhood abuse and the similarities in the control and power imbalance.

It is my wish that victims have compassion for themselves and an admiration for the strength and courage they possess to survive childhood sexual abuse or trauma.

This pandemic could have some very positive outcomes if we only try to see that we are all impacted when even one of us is suffering. It is my belief that only when we come together can we make the lasting changes that benefit everyone.

Published by Paula Kavanagh 

 In today’s podcast we will be discussing how we are coping with the fear and anxiety that is currently taken hold of our world as a result of the Corona Virus pandemic.

We discuss how our response to this situation is amplified because of the fear and trauma we experienced being sexually abused as children.  We talk about how our childhood trauma has created a default response to fear for all of us and how those responses are often unconscious.

We are very aware that countless other victims of childhood sexual abuse and trauma may also be experiencing similar responses to the current situation. We hope that by sharing our experiences and observations we will help others to know they are not alone, and unlike when we were children and had no choice in our responses to our fear, today as adults we do.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

 In today’s podcast we will be talking to Mary Crilly, Founder and Director of the Sexual Violence Centre Cork (SVCC). SVCC is a non-profit community organisation that opened its doors for the first time in 1982. The Centre has been providing services to victims of sexual violence in Cork for over 38 years.

Mary is a formidable woman and her strength and resilience in advocating for women’s equality and the right for those who have experienced sexual violence or child abuse to receive appropriate services is something she has fought for, for over three decades.  She was the first in Cork to introduce counselling and support to women, men and teenagers who have experienced sexual violence or child sexual abuse.

Mary is a Member of the Irish National Observatory on VAW.  She holds an MA in Women’s Studies and a Diploma in The Psychology of Criminal Behaviour. In 2019, the University College Cork presented Mary with the ‘Inaugural Equality Award’ for her role in promoting equality diversity and inclusion with a focus on her work as director of the centre for sexual violence.  In 2000 she established OSS Cork (Domestic Violence Information Resource Centre) an NGO dedicated to providing supports to victims of Domestic Violence.  She is also the author of ‘Violence in Ireland. The Criminal Justice System – A Guide for Victims’.

In 2019 Mary was diagnosed with stage three bowel cancer and following a major operation and months of intense treatment she is feeling fighting fit. In her own words “I am more determined than ever to fight for survivors of sexual abuse”.

Mary talks about how she feels about TUSLA’s introduction of their latest guidelines for stress testing victims of sexual abuse by their alleged abuser and what she feels needs to happen next. Meeting Mary was something we will not forget in a hurry. She is indeed a force to be reckoned with.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

SENSE OF COMMUNITY

I watch my neighbours rally around ensuring no one is left alone or stranded and even social media, that can often be negative, is filled with positive stories of people pulling together to support one another. Almost hourly there are posts of communities finding creative ways to demonstrate that no one is alone in this crisis. It is heartening to see people using humour to lift themselves and those around them to stay the course and see the possibilities that can come from hard times.

It’s amazing to see how those that find themselves on the front line (nurses etc) that normally have to fight to be recognised and valued for the work they do, are finally shining through as the real heroes when the chips are down. They not only are on the front line but are willing to put themselves in harm’s way without ever being asked, in order to keep us all safe and cared for.

POSSIBILITIES

I really feel within this crisis we are being handed an opportunity to truly know who we are when all the running and doing we normally fill our days with has been removed.  Some have turned to reading, art, baking, having fun (a thing most of us have forgotten how to do), spending genuine quality time with those they live with. Each day we are finding more and more creative ways to stay in touch with the family members we cannot physically touch at the moment. 

In some ways it has brought me back to my childhood, and aside from the abuse, I do recall the neighbourhood I grew up in, where people looked out for each other, shared what little they had, left doors unlocked and knew without a doubt they had someone to lean on if and when it was needed. 

That time has been offered again as we watch neighbourhoods find ways to interact within the restricted guidelines, enjoy being playful, being creative with simple everyday household items, turning to arts and crafts and most importantly never forgetting the most vulnerable in our neighbourhoods and society in general. 

Many shops seem to have taken the focus off making money and instead are looking at ways to get people through this rough time.  Their commitment to their staff and customers and making sure everyone is kept safe is reassuring to see.

Celebrities and those in positions of influence are pulling together to lift people’s spirits through music and positive messages, again all with the intention of letting us know we are all in this together.

I think it’s magical and although at times I still struggle thinking I should be doing something more, I acknowledge that I am really enjoying doing the things I like and want to do, rather than simply doing things mechanically because it has become my norm.  I find it interesting to know that when things I previously thought vital to my life like going to work, school pickups etc are removed, my world is not falling apart, and life goes on regardless.

I have returned to listening to music. I almost forgot what enjoyment I get from it. I am now taking time to develop a playlist of music that I loved throughout my childhood and teenage years. For as much as I love listening to music, I had forgotten how it lifts my mood and spirit. Until now it was just another thing I put off because I was too busy with things, I believed were more important.  

THE GIFT OF TIME

I believe this time is an opportunity to live rather than merely function. To relax and realise that regardless of the roles we play i.e. mother, wife, sister, friend we are being given a gift of time. Time that we have all forgotten can be filled with people and things we love. Time to look at how we normally fill our time stressing about what has to be done rather than what is really important.  Time to explore what fills our heart, makes us laugh till our stomachs ache, what moves us to tears, time to recognise how much we love and are loved by those around us.  

We are all so familiar with always being busy that we struggle when that feeling is removed.  If we are lucky, we work really hard throughout the year hoping to afford a two-week holiday. The holiday that we almost always waste the first week trying to relax with doing nothing and re-connecting with ourselves. By the time we have finally relaxed its time to go home.

I believe we deserve more than a life filled with to-do lists and deadlines that must be met. The time we spend running back and forth to work, shops, home all without even being conscious of how we spend our days, weeks and even years. This virus has given us the gift of time to re-evaluate our lives, to look and see what fills your soul and what changes you can make to not only survive but really live, live a life full of possibilities.

I also believe that the gift of time has also been given to our planet. The time to repair the damage we as humans have caused. With less people running around in cars polluting the air, we are reducing the toxins in the air we breathe, especially in our towns and cities. It is also allowing rivers and lakes to heal, for fish and dolphins to swim in the lakes that were so full of pollutants that it wasn’t possible before this outbreak.

RECONNECTING

It is inspiring that throughout this epidemic communities have reconnected with what is important. We are all gaining a better understanding of who we are, what matters in our lives. We are selfless in our volunteering, our support for those in our communities that need more help, like the old and sick. We are seeing the true heroes in our communities come to the frontline on our behalf.

I hope we all learn to appreciate that material things don’t really matter in the end. It is the people in our lives that help us to survive and whom we survive for.  We do so much better when we look out for one another. Our lives are richer, more creative, inspiring, thoughtful when we understand that supporting each other is what brings the most joy and happiness in our lives.

Through these times we are being offered a way of swapping the attitude of every man for himself to a deep understanding that we need each other and looking out for others really feeds our souls.  I hope that when this is all over, we all pull together and ensure that the frontline healthcare workers who are literally risking their lives for us and who in the past were undervalued and totally unsupported financially will finally receive respect and the tangible benefits that they deserve.

The only thing I believe the government are getting right is their constant message of ‘We are all in this together’.

Joyce Kavanagh 23rd March 2020

In today’s podcast (Episode 24) we will be talking with Rachel Moran, Author, Activist and Campaigner.

Rachel grew up on the north side of Dublin. She had a difficult childhood. Both of her parents suffered mental health issues and her father committed suicide when she had just turned 14. She ended up in residential care, and during her time there at the age of 15 she met a man who quickly introduced her to prostitution where she stayed until the age of 22 when she courageously managed to break free and put that life behind her.

At age 24 Rachel returned to education and gained a Degree in Journalism from Dublin City University (DCU) where she won the Hybrid Award for Excellence in Journalism. Over the years she has taken part in many newspaper, radio and television interviews both home and abroad. Her bestselling book ‘Paid For - My Journey through Prostitution’ was in the Top Ten Irish bestselling books for over twelve weeks

Rachel is passionate about creating change and has taken part in a TEDxDCU event in November 2013. Her talk was entitled Transforming Lives and Societies through Legislative Change.  She has appeared on the Late, Late show on a number of occasions and continues to fight injustice at every turn. We will talk about the many campaigns that Rachel has spearheaded and been involved in, and discuss her views on the latest campaign ‘We Don’t Buy It’ and why she is fervently against the deregulation of prostitution in Ireland.

Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula 

The women involved in this case may never know how many lives they have saved as their bravery has made an enormous impact across the globe.  This is a victory for all victims of abuse everywhere.

To see someone, previously referred to as a ‘Giant of the Movie Industry’ being held to account for his actions is evidence of real change that will inspire more victims to speak out while putting all predators on notice, with particular emphasis on the rich, famous and powerful ones.

It was remarkable that Judge James Burke, gave no credence to pleas from Weinstein’s legal representatives when asked to consider Weinstein’s personal charitable giving, advanced age, medical issues and lack of criminal history.  This judge demonstrated the wisdom of his position to realise that none of those attributes curtailed his sexual misconduct, so why should they factor at all when considering his sentence.  Wouldn’t it be great if judges worldwide got this message?

Watching this case unfold reminded me of being in court, prosecuting our father for sexually abusing us as children. We were told repeatedly that our fathers age, health and standing in the community are very likely to result in a non-custodial sentence. Thank god it didn’t work out that way as he received a seven-year sentence. 

We continue to be horrified by the number of cases in the Irish courts where these personal attributes that have absolutely nothing to do with the crime, are not only considered but are in some cases the deciding factors when it comes to sentencing of sexual predators. This is shameful. And my only hope is that this case will act as turning point for how things should be done.

It was fascinating to hear that not only did Weinstein speak in court, but he did so despite the advice of his very experienced and expensive legal team.  Weinstein practically blamed his legal team for his silence throughout the case whilst continuing to ignore their repeated attempts to hush him as he spoke for about twenty minutes in court.  

Weinstein with no sense of understanding of the lasting harm he had done, expressed his remorse for the situation he found himself in.  He displayed his complete ignorance about consent and lamented about how the allegations had impacted his personal life. He was outspoken about the confusion he felt not only for himself but for all men as he felt he did not understand why this was happening.  He expressed his fear at the lack of due process for men and stated he was really worried about his country.

He continued to speak about his total confusion about how he has ended up where he was as he felt he had consensual relationships with these women.  He felt lots of other men would also be confused if they were to be accused of sexual abuse. He wanted the judge to speak to people he felt had greatly benefitted from his charitable work (naming 9/11 in particular). It was clear that he believed he had done nothing wrong and that what was happening to him in the courts was both unfair and an injustice.

To me, all predators when caught, focus their concern on what is happening to them and how they have been personally impacted, without a thought for their victims.  It seems of great importance to them that we understand the pain they are in.  They have no desire to understand the damage they have done to their victims. These similarities tell us something about the type of people we are dealing with.

My father’s only words when receiving his sentence was ‘I hope you are all fucking happy now’.  I have no doubt, he believed we were the ones that caused him great pain while he remained oblivious to the pain he had brought into our lives. 

The closest my father ever came to an apology was on one of his early court appearances. My sisters, brothers and my mother were all huddled in a circle standing in the hallway of the packed courthouse.  My father appeared behind Paula and attempted to push past her to get to my mother. Paula was not moving. He was furious with the veins standing out on his neck. He had no choice but to continue with the speech he had prepared from the outskirts of the group.  He spit his words out. He was so angry that he could no longer intimidate us to move and let him speak to my mother.

He began to mutter some form of apology to my mother. She was not interested in anything he had to say and simply ignored him.  He was furious at our lack of obedience and Paula’s continued obstruction really bothered him.  The audacity of him attempting to act like the leader he believed he was, while spurting out an insincere apology and expecting that to change everything.  The Guards noticed him and walked towards us to remove him, so he had to reluctantly walk off, still enraged, believing we were the problem.

I find it interesting that regardless of what case is taking place in the media, but particularly when it’s a big case, memories of our own experience get triggered. I feel a great sense of pride in the courageous women involved in all sexual abuse cases and hope these women know how amazing they are and what a great service they are doing for the millions of victims out there.

Recently I watched an American TV series called ‘The Morning Show’, produced by and starring Jennifer Aniston (Alex) and Reese Witherspoon (Bradley). This show, although fictional, provided some insight into the world of rich and powerful men like Harvey Weinstein.

The programme is based on a news and talk morning television show that is thrown into chaos when Alex’s (Jennifer) on-air partner of 15 years, Mitch Kessler (played by Steve Carell) is fired for allegations of sexual misconduct.  

Mitch is loved by the audience and appears to be admired by all the production team. He presents as charming, funny and charismatic. However, as the plot unravels it becomes clear that Mitch has used his position and influence to make or break careers of ambitious females within his industry, not unlike what Weinstein did.  

What is very interesting throughout the series is seeing the struggle all the characters within the show had with understanding Mitches behaviour, how they had played a role in maintaining his belief that he was entitled to do what he was doing and there was nothing wrong with it. It explores how those around him, especially the heads of the network colluded in allowing him to basically get away with sexual abuse for years as all they focused on was the ratings.

Mitches own struggle with accepting that his behaviour had serious consequences for the women he abused was demonstrated so well.  Even the female colleagues and specifically Alex his co-anchor and friend really didn’t want to see that they had turned a blind eye to what he did accepting that it was just his way and in fact the way of the world of business.

This programme will challenge you to see how easy it is to work in or live in a toxic culture. A culture that allows those with all the power to do what they want to whom they want. It demonstrates how we all can turn a blind eye to injustice as to speak out would mean the chance of losing careers, friends or family members.  But more importantly it shows how powerful men like Harvey Weinstein and Jimmy Savile can and did get away with abuse even when it’s in plain sight, they are aware that if you turn away once you are unlikely to every speak out.

Joyce Kavanagh - Marcy 16th 2020

In today’s podcast (Episode 23 - Interview with Eve Farrelly, Executive Director of CARI, (Children at Risk in Ireland). Eve holds a master’s in management, business, marketing and related support services, she also has a master’s in criminology, a BA in Psychology and advanced Diploma in Date Protection Law.

Eve brings us up to speed on the services offered by CARI as well as highlighting the shortfalls in resources that forces them to have a waiting list for children and their families to enter their services.  Sadly, currently CARI have 85 Children on their waiting list.  Eve also speaks candidly about Tulsa’s latest legislation where an abuser may have the right to question their victim in person.

CARI have two full time offices in Dublin and Limerick.  They provide specialised therapy for children and young people who have been affected by child sexual abuse. They also support the families through the process. Children are referred after their disclosure has been investigated or if they have witnessed sexual assaults on someone else with the aim of ensuring their experience does not go on to define their life. CARI also provides therapy to children, up to (and including) twelve-year olds, who present with sexually harmful behaviour. to enter their services.  

It is inspiring to hear the passion Eve has for her job along with her love for the children she deals with. Her wealth of knowledge and understanding of the effects of this crime is very comforting leaving us yearning that we could have met someone like her when we were young girls.

We hope that this series of interviews help highlight the supports that currently exist, the struggles they face daily to deliver these services and to further emphasize the lack of country wide supports. This demonstrates both the lack of will from our government to take this crime seriously and the need for those in power to understand the impacts of this crime, not only on its victims but on society as a whole.  Hopefully we can unite and get the results we need to tackle sexual abuse and all that goes with that.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

Our relationship with our own mother was at times very difficult. She was not available to us emotionally and because she held no value in her own worth, she demonstrated what she was taught culturally about the role of women and how they had nothing of value to contribute other than being selfless and put everyone’s need first.

Normally on days like this we provide suggested lists of how to mind yourself.  However, as this year women here in Ireland and across the world have shown such strength in speaking out against injustice, we think this might be a great time to make a stand and realise this is a day to be celebrated. Consider this, we are all here and without a mother that would not have happened. 

We believe that if you have survived sexual abuse, this one-day challenge should be a walk in the park for you.  Celebrating your own life may be a challenge, but one you are more than capable of succeeding in.

Enjoying watching others celebrate this day may in the past has been difficult but let’s change it around and make it YOUR DAY.  If you see this day as sad due to memories of an abusive mother or the loss of your mother, challenge yourself to see it differently with the focus on you as the mother to be celebrated.

Do not let this day of celebration turn into a day of mourning and nostalgia but rather recognise that you deserve to feel really good about yourself. Regardless of how you feel or have felt about your mother, she brought a great gift into the world and that gift is you, so let the celebrations begin.  Even if it is only for one day let’s push ourselves to make that happen.  Use it as day one of acknowledging your own worth and the realisation of just how special you are.

To help keep you focused try to answer the questions below.

• When is the last time I told me that I love me?
• What are the gifts/qualities I bring to this world?
• Do the people I surround myself with bring value to my life?
• Do I treat myself with the love and respect I deserve? If not, is that reflected in how others treat me?
• Where am I on my priority list
• Do I mind and respect my body?
• When is the last time I did something nice for myself?
• How do I feed my soul?
• Where am I not being honest with myself and why?
• Am I kind to myself?

Answer these questions as honestly as you can, by answering them truthfully warts and all you will see what you know about yourself, what you like and want to keep and which of those beliefs you may need to let go of.

Hopefully this will help you identify your thoughts be they negative or positive. It is only with awareness that we can decide to let go of things that no longer serve us and make the changes needed in our lives.

The main thing to remember is that you deserve to be loved and the best person to do this is YOU.  In loving yourself you are setting a trend; you are relaying to others just how you expect to be treated and you learn how to truly respect yourself.

Focus on yourself for this day, regardless of if or how many children you have, or whether you have pleasant or negative memories of your mother. Use this as a day to begin putting yourself first, recognising all the things you place of more importance before your needs.

Let’s make Mother’s Day a day to remember positively. 

How could I be so blind to all that was happening around me?  How can I say with any degree of honesty or certainty that I really didn’t know what was happening to others in my home?  In order to understand and explain this, I have found myself for some time now really looking back and reliving memories from my childhood.

Now I can see, not only did I know my father was abusing my sisters and beating my brothers, I had actually witnessed it.  That’s not easy to understand or explain, even for me.  So, here’s the contradiction, although I witnessed a lot, I also genuinely believed that I knew nothing about the abuse taking place in my home.  I had to really examine my ability to disassociate and compartmentalise what was happening in my home. Only now, at this stage in my healing, can I see why and how I was able to remove myself from any situation that I read as unsafe and convince myself it never happened.  I will attempt to explain how I did that in the hope it will help other victims of childhood sexual abuse understand themselves.

Imagine your home as just one very large room and all of your family are in that room. When I close my eyes and go back in time, I can clearly see my brothers sitting at the table eating their dinner, my mother is cleaning the kitchen, my younger sisters and brother are playing a card game on the floor and my dad is shouting at the TV as he watches a football match.  Everything seems fine on the surface as I sit and try do some homework on my lap. 

My father suddenly stands up and click’s his fingers. I freeze. It feels like I’ve momentarily lost my sight, as everything goes blank and very quiet. I can hear nothing.  When I realise, he is not directing his attention towards me, I focus on getting out of that room. I can see the door and I know exactly how many steps I have to take to reach it. Everything else around me disappears, except for a few sounds in the room that somehow, I can still hear. I focus on getting to the door, nothing else matters. I am still aware of my father’s movements and hear the sound of him smacking one of my brothers as he passes him. I can hear him shouting obscenities at one of my other brothers.   I am aware of his movements as he nods for my sister to go upstairs where he will rape her. 

My attention goes to my heart, it’s beating so fast. My throat feels dry, and I’m aware I’m shaking. I’m terrified and I know I have to get out. It’s not safe here and I cannot allow myself to see what’s happening around me.

I have to get out, but everything feels like it’s moving in slow motion. It takes forever to reach the door. I can’t breathe and all I can think is, I have to get out.

Based on my present understanding of how I survived on a daily basis, this is a fair description of how I handled the trauma. Once outside, I managed to completely block out what was happening inside my home.  I usually joined some friends that were playing on the road and immersed myself in whatever they were doing. Slowly, my heart would calm. The dissociation allowed me to leave my fear behind and carry on playing like I was normal, the compartmentalisation allowed me to hold onto the belief that I saw, heard and knew nothing as by now what I witnessed was already stored somewhere in the back of my head. The weight of what was happening was far too heavy for me as a child to comprehend or deal with and both of these coping mechanisms allowed me to live in a bubble where I was the only one that my father was abusing. I also believed I deserved his abuse and it happened because of who I was or something I had done or said.

It is obvious to me now that the guilt and shame remained with me even though I dissociated and compartmentalised memories, which was even more confusing because I had no known reason to explain these feelings. I could only conclude I was inherently bad.

I understand the power of the body to protect us from what is perceived as imminent danger and our minds ability to deny and hide away traumatic events that it feels will harm us.  That was what I did, but never consciously.  I also believe what I did to survive is exactly what happens to most victims of childhood abuse.

As a child all I ever wanted was to be loved. Sadly, for me, regardless of how badly my father abused me, I still was able to convince myself that he did love me.  I was so innocent and naive and believed every word he said.  I didn’t know till much later in my life that he deliberately isolated me from my family so we would never sit and have conversations or confide in each other. 

I feel such a deep sadness at times because the tools I used to protect myself became the biggest obstacles in getting to know myself and heal from my past. Even now I have to consciously check in with myself in order to know if I am hungry, tired or feeling anything at all.

While sex no longer brings back painful memories and is something that I can feel good about, the effort involved in staying connected to my body often leads me to believe it’s simply not worth the hassle.  Now while I do not wish to sound negative, nor do I want others to think my daily existence is consumed with this stuff, as although the fight for me continues and is part of my everyday life I am blessed to have support from those around me who understand and love me and I have now developed mechanisms to help me connect.  The main point is that knowing myself does not come naturally to me due to my background and the learning never ends.

Joyce Kavanagh

In this week’s podcast, we talk to Maeve Lewis, the CEO of One in Four. One in four currently provides supports to adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They have an advocacy team to support those lucky enough to make it to court and this service is free. Their help extends to families and partners, which is recognised as invaluable for recovery and leads to a higher level of support for victims. One in four also provide a two-year prevention programme for sex offenders many of whom are referred to them by the Gardai.

Maeve Lewis (Bachelor of Arts in European Studies, H. Dip. Ed, BA (Hons) in Psychology) has worked in the field of sexual violence since 1979 in a variety of roles and in 2019 she was the winner of Outstanding Contribution to Society Award by the University of Limerick 2019 Alumni Award.  Maeve is dedicated to protecting victims of sexual abuse. Her overall commitment to fight against what can only be described as unsurmountable obstacles in finding the resources to help victims receive help and embark on what is a long and painful journey to self-discovery is unquestionable. She continues to demand justice and fairness for all victims facing the justice system and challenge those agencies responsible for providing supports to do better.

We hope that this series of interviews help highlight the supports that currently exist, the struggles they face daily to deliver these services and to further emphasize the lack of country wide supports. This demonstrates both the lack of will from our government to take this crime seriously and the need for those in power to understand the impacts of this crime, not only on its victims but on society as a whole.  Hopefully we can unite and get the results we need to tackle sexual abuse and all that goes with that.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

The first clear memory of John abusing me was when I was around 4 years old, he gave me this beautiful butterfly badge that you sew on to your clothes and told me I could keep it if I let him touch me. I had absolutely no idea what he meant and my only memory of what happened with him was me, staring at this blue and pink butterfly badge when my father walked in and screamed at John, calling him all sorts of names.

My father then battered John leaving him black and blue, he literally kicked him down the stairs. I was so shocked I just stood there not moving, terrified, waiting on him to kill me too, even though I didn’t understand what was happening. I am aware, that all sounds like an appropriate reaction to finding someone abusing your child. But what happened next was even more devastating to a four-year-old, and ensured I never said a word to anyone.

My father came back upstairs and told me to go into his room and sit on the bed. He lay me down and removed my pants all the while telling me that he would make me all better. He repeated that I was to never let anyone do that to me, that I was to tell him if anyone ever tried to touch me again. He kept saying that John was a little bollox and was lucky he didn’t kill him and if he or anyone else hurts me again he would kill them. Then he raped me. That is my first clear memory of my father sexually penetrating me and the physical pain is something I don’t think I could ever forget. John went on to abuse me for many years after, but I never told on him.

Because I had multiple abusers, I never felt safe either in or out of the house. What was even worse was I had no reason not to believe that the abuse wasn’t my fault. I was the common denominator. I grew up believing I was the one to blame, that I was a sick and evil person and I would definitely be going to hell when I died.

I now understand why I found it so difficult to identify with other girls in group therapy. I felt I couldn’t say it wasn’t my fault and mean it. I hadn’t told about my other abusers and so I really struggled to say or see myself as a victim. I could, over time accept that maybe I was a victim of my father's, but it didn’t explain why I was also being abused by two others.

I couldn’t blame the other abusers on my father, so it had to be me. I had to have allowed it to happen with John. That’s hard to even think as John was on the spectrum of special needs. He was not someone I think I would have been afraid of. With that in mind the only conclusion I could come to was I either allowed it to happen or by not telling, allowed it to continue.

Suffering abuse by multiple abusers left me even more isolated, I wanted to belong and desperately needing to be loved. I felt like I was a freak and had somehow been placed in this home by mistake. I kept thinking there had to be some reason why everyone hated me, I believed that I was different than all  my siblings. I blamed myself for being overly sensitive and hated that I didn’t find their slagging and making fun of me amusing. I wasn’t quick witted so couldn’t respond with something witty without feeling even more stupid. I waited for years for someone to come knocking on my door to tell me there was an awful mistake and that my real mother and father now want me back. needless to say, that didn’t happen.

I now understand that I was easy pickings for both my brother and my relative. I was lost and starved for love. My understanding of love was being abused so why would I have ever had any other experience. I was a moody, angry, sullen child who made it difficult for anyone who was a good person to get close to me. I didn’t trust anyone and yet I was easily taken in by the mere idea of someone liking me or wanting to be in my company.

I never confronted John in person, but I know he did abuse many others in our neighbourhood and eventually ran to England to avoid being arrested here. I have thought of John over the years and wondered what would have happened if I told someone, could I have stopped him abusing others, I will never know the answer to that. I didn’t have the courage as a child to do anything other than survive. John entered into a treatment programme in England when he was arrested and given a choice either the treatment programme or jail. It was whilst there that I sent him a letter telling him what he had done to me and how my life had been impacted. John denied everything said I was lying. He went on to take part in a channel 4 documentary on paedophiles as the star pupil.

With regard to my other abuser I won’t name him as his family are all aware of his past and it would serve no one to publicly name him which would only result in hurting his family who are all innocent. I confronted him in person, about two years into therapy. I made the decision because he had children himself and I wanted to make sure he didn’t abuse them. I asked Joyce to come with me and we called to his home when we knew he was at home alone. I told him exactly what he had done to me and how it made me feel. His response was not to deny everything and just kept saying that he didn’t remember anything. I had already been prepared by my councillor of what could happen, so I just repeated the damage he had done to my life. I threatened to bring charges if he didn’t get help. He agreed to go into treatment but to be honest at the time I really don’t think I would have had the strength to press charges and go through the justice system again. He did get help and spent a number of years in treatment and to my knowledge has not offended since.

Having a number of abusers just solidified my self-loathing. It made seeing myself as a victim so much harder to believe. It has taken me years to understand that each time I was abused and by whom, all needed examining. The damage inflicted on my mind and body is incalculable but with time and compassion I have allowed memories to be explored. I understand the damage that was done to me and the behaviours and beliefs that shaped all my interactions that at the time saved my life. Today, for me, it’s about letting go of what no longer serves me and living a life not filled with anger, resentment or pain.

Paula

The Right to Speak Up

This year marks the centenary of those brave women who fought and finally won the right for women to vote. Oprah Winfrey’s powerful acceptance speech for the Cecil B. Demille award at the Golden Globes, 2018 was inspirational as she announced that the ‘Time was up’ for abusers with particular reference to powerful and brutal abusive men. She went on to commend all of the brave women who came forth and told their story.  Mentioning celebrities speaking out about their abuse has ignited and bolstered women everywhere to finally come forward and speak out. All of this would appear to suggest that 2018 will be a year when women finally take control of their lives and careers.

Is it a Cause for Celebration?

This all sounds very positive and encouraging. However, just because women are speaking out and finally telling their stories of abuse does not necessarily make it a cause for celebration.

As survivors of sexual abuse, we understand the level of courage it takes to simply type the words ‘Me Too’ or join campaigns like #timesup. Our concern is what happens when they do?  For many women their secret has been hidden or buried for many years and now they can’t go back.

Do we have the resources to deal with the number of victims emerging through these campaigns?  What happens to them after they speak out? Where do they go with their pain, confusion and hurt?

No Political Interest

There is no evidence of our politicians showing any great concern or interest in this issue.  Once again, we appear to be waiting for men in positions of power to do the right thing.  What is holding them back?  How can they not see the value in putting in place the necessary resources?  What has to happen in order to acknowledge that this issue will not go away and requires men to become part of the solution and not the problem.

Something has to give, and things will only get worse if the current stance of turning a blind eye to the underfunded, overburdened minimal services that currently struggle to meet the demands placed upon them. Services like the Rape Crisis Centre, One in Four and The CARI Foundation, currently have long waiting lists and their CEO, s have to spend an inordinate amount of their precious time fundraising just to stay open.  It would appear that in Ireland the stance has been taken that it isn’t really anything to do with us and that it is an American celebrity issue.

Taking Responsibility

Although we didn’t have the back up of such campaigns when we were prosecuting our father, we do know the turmoil in our lives when we spoke up and tried to deal with the sheer devastation that came with it.  The memories came flooding back quicker than we could process and for most of the time it felt like we had been hit by a truck.

We who encourage victims to speak out must share the responsibility to provide these brave women with the answers, support and help they so badly need. We also must be mindful not to place undue pressure on women who may not yet be ready to speak out. Waiving anonymity may be a step too far for some and we must honour everyone’s process.  Sexual abuse may be in the media much more than ever, but headlines die as quick as they arise.  Unless there is a celebrity involved the story doesn’t even last 24 hours.

If a victim is lucky enough to receive justice through the courts, what then?  The offender may be placed in prison for a few years, which also seems to depend on the mood of the judge on the day.  The sheer lack of understanding around the impacts of this crime not only on the victim but their families, communities and society are demonstrated all too frequently through grossly inappropriate sentencing.

There remains no pressure on the judicial system to educate themselves on the impacts on its victims and although we can appreciate that all cases are not the same, are we to simply look on as injustice continues through the courts sentencing procedures.  Have we no recourse?  Have we no rights? It would appear that judges are accountable to no one.  Why are they not listening to the people they are there to serve?

We are aware there are many treatment programs available to perpetrators, but none appear to be mandatory.  How can that work? How can things ever be different or produce better outcomes for the public.

These are just some of the real concerns we have around the current outpouring of pain in the world. Particularly on this little isle of ours. We are sure we are not alone when we urge everyone to get on board and do whatever you can do to ensure that women’s pain does not become sound bites and that it does in fact become the year of the woman.  It is time for change……

The Kavanagh Sisters – 23rd April 2018

Sadly, this is not the first time reduced sentences in rape cases has been an issue, as every day within out court rooms, judges, juries and those that are either defending the accused or prosecuting them fail to understand the complexities of the damage that rape does to its victims.

What makes it even more upsetting is the fact that Germaine herself is a victim of rape which could lend weight to the argument that victims should just ‘get over it’ as though it is a common cold. As this is the type of thinking we are trying to change through education and understanding this crime, she is doing a great disservice to women throughout the world with these words.

Germaine adds insult to injury by saying that rape should be viewed as ‘non-consensual, lazy, careless and insensitive’. This is clearly a woman that has chosen to never explore her own rape and how it has influenced her thoughts and behaviours. Rather than deal with her own ‘stuff’, she is suggesting other rape victims move on and forget it ever happened, with no consideration to what the experience has done to them physically, psychologically and emotionally.

Greer goes on to say “You might want to believe that the penis is a lethal weapon and that all women live in fear of that lethal weapon, well that’s bullshit. It’s not true. We don’t live in terror of the penis … A man can’t kill you with his penis.”

I’m sorry to say that a penis is and has all through history been used against women as a very powerful weapon. We believe that what Greer is saying is very dangerous at a time when we are finally putting women’s issues at the top of the agenda.

We simply don’t understand how a woman who experienced a violent rape can speak about it in this way.

For victims, the effects of rape can be devastating. They feel substantial distress and display a wide range of psychological symptoms, both short- and long-term.  They feel powerless, ashamed, and distrust others. The abuse, if it happens in childhood, disrupts their development and increases the likelihood that they will experience other sexual assaults in the future.

In the short term they can exhibit regressive behaviours such as, sleep disturbances, eating problems, behaviour and/or performance problems at school/work and unwillingness to participate in social activities.

Long term they can suffer with anxiety, self-destructive behaviours such as alcoholism or drug abuse, anxiety attacks, and insomnia.

Victims feel fear and anxiety in response to triggers which pop up without warning. These triggers can be simply things like smells, expressions that remind them of the rapist or something that is said innocently.  They can experience difficulties in forming relationships and can either indulge in inappropriate sex or avoid sex altogether.

They can feel anger at the rapist and those around them who failed to protect them. But even worse still they can direct anger at themselves for not stopping the rape as it took place.  They feel betrayed and powerless and often feel stigmatized by the shame, guilt and take on the responsibility for what happened to them.

They are now likely to have a higher rate of being re victimized as their self-worth is either low or non-existent. Due to the rape they feel worthless and abnormal and hold a distorted view of sex, and without intervention they can become suicidal.

We believe if this was known and understood by the masses, we would have a better chance of making appropriate changes to how sexual abuse is viewed and dealt with.

Thank you, Germaine, for making the argument for the importance of dealing with your ‘STUFF’.

The Kavanagh Sisters -31st May 2018

Mental and physical health issues like depression, anxiety, poor self-esteem, headaches, backpain, and panic attacks are just a few. We would find it difficult to identify any area of our lives that wasn’t altered or damaged as a result of our abuse. However, it is extremely unlikely that we would have ever fully accepted that we were not responsible for causing these problems, if we had we not gone back and picked our lives apart.

With that in mind we continue researching and working on ourselves. This blog is about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and we hope that it helps make sense for those of you who suffer from this particular disorder and those that support them.

What is PTSD?

PTSD is defined as a mental condition that makes it difficult to regulate emotions. It is said that individuals who have suffered childhood sexual abuse and repetitive or prolonged exposure to trauma can develop any number of conditions and disorders.  Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) is just one of them.

Most of us will have heard of PTSD and we associate it with soldiers following a tour in a war-torn country. We don’t tend to connect it with adults that have suffered child abuse, and this is probably because as an adult, the symptoms of PTSD can mimic other disorders like, depression, anxiety, hypervigilance, problems with alcohol and drugs, sleep issues, and eating disorders, all making it difficult to diagnose the condition. PTSD often develops in children that experience any form of prolonged trauma. The list below outlines some of the conditions that drive the development of this condition.

PTSD can develop in children if the following conditions exist:

• If the child feels threatened.
• The relationship of the child to the perpetrator, the closer the relationship the more likely the child will experience PTSD in later life.
• If the child feels alone or abandoned by their caregiver.
• If the child feels guilty or responsible for the abuse.
• The child’s physical and emotional short-term response to abuse (i.e. if the child’s heart rate escalates, this will increase the likelihood of developing PTSD as an adult.

PTSD is grouped by the following types of symptoms:

1. Re-Experiencing.
   1. Re-experiencing, or reliving, the traumatic event.
2. 1. Actively avoiding people, places, or situations that remind you of the traumatic event.
4. Negative Thoughts and Beliefs.

These symptoms show up in the following ways.

• Trouble sleeping / bad dreams / flashbacks.
• Fear of dying, anxiety, or depression.
• Loss of interest in activities.
• Regular physical complaints such as headaches or stomach-aches.
• Extreme emotional reactions.
• Irritability, anger, violence.
• Difficulty concentrating.
• Increased vigilance or alertness to their environment.
• Avoiding people or places.

For us, PTSD is not just another collection of trivial words and symptoms put together for dramatic affect.   They are real symptoms that as survivors of child sexual abuse, we have dismissed for far too long believing we were just hypochondriacs’ or plain mad. It is also understandable why PTSD can be difficult to diagnose as the symptoms can be associated with many other conditions. It is for this very reason that understanding how abuse impacts the human psyche is vital if you are to recover.

It would be very difficult for those of you who have not been abused to try to image the levels of fear a child feels being raped by an adult. It is all the more difficult when you understand that in most cases it is an adult the child trusts and loves. You might get a glimpse of the fear by trying this, Close your eyes, imagine your in bed and a loud sound wakes you up,  you can hear sounds downstairs. You know no one else should be in your home, but you hear the sounds of presses opening and closing. You contemplate if you should go and investigate, and then you hear footsteps at the end of the stairs. 

That can only give you a tiny sense of what it is like growing up in a home with an abusing parent.

It is impossible to live with that level of awareness or fear on an ongoing basis, so children learn to dissociate or compartmentalise their experiences in order to cope with daily life. These suppressed emotions are what cause various mental conditions and disorders to develop later in life. I doubt that any victim of trauma can escape the occurrence of mental health issues and with PTSD like other mental health conditions there appears to be no cure other than a combination between medication and therapy. I believe that if you work through your abuse and fully understand the origins of your thoughts and behaviours you will be in a much better place to control the symptoms and live a much healthier life.

We strongly recommend researching and writing as an approach when you begin your own healing journey. We also believe that if we had a book with the information that is contained within our book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ we could have been spared years of unnecessary pain and suffering. We know that anyone suffering from the impacts of sexual abuse will benefit from the learning we have gained. We also want to spread a clear message of hope to other victims, that there is life after abuse.

If everyone understood abuse and its impacts, people would better comprehend why it can take so long for victims to come forward and speak out. It may also help people appreciate why it takes so long to recover from this horrendous crime.  With understanding would come the desire to provide the necessary resources and demand the changes in policy and practices of the judicial system. The more everyone understands how sexual abuse impacts its victims the more compassionate we will all be towards each other.

Paula-8th April 2018

Now take into account that the abusers are out there too. Based on these figures we also must realise that for every victim there is an abuser. We would all like to think that we would recognise a child abuser if we saw one. That we can pick them out of the crowd based on their creepy look or their odd behaviour. But those stereotypes are simply that, stereotypes. The fact is, child abusers are not monsters, they don’t walk around with signs saying ‘abuser’.  They are able to include themselves in our lives and our children’s lives because we trust them.

An abuser can have many victims but let’s take a conservative figure of an abuser abusing 2 victims, that means there are 4.5 hundred thousand sexual predators living amongst us.

As horrific as these statistics are, we reckon that at best, half of our population are directly impacted by abuse and all of our population, suffer the secondary impacts of abuse victims and perpetrators living within our communities.

Unlocking the Memories

As victims of child sexual abuse, we understand just how difficult it is for victims to open the doors they hid their memories of abuse behind.  However, without unlocking your memories of abuse, those memories will be the fuel that drives you forward or keeps you stuck. Though those memories or emotions can be on an unconscious level, they are most likely the force behind every decision, relationship and dream you have for yourself and those around you. Until you are able to open those doors and look into the dark spaces you will continue to live your life as a victim, which not only affects you but all those around you.

Tell me Why?

Offenders can only continue with their behaviour if they remain in the dark about the impact of their actions on their victims. As a victim myself, I wanted to know why my father did what he did, and I desperately wanted him to understand the damage he did to me and be truly sorry.  It wouldn’t have taken away the pain of what was done but, if I had any chance of understanding the ‘why me?’ element of the abuse, it might have helped me heal a little and find forgiveness for myself sooner.

A Reason to Look?

Why would an abuser look? We need to give them a reason to explore the why and how they do what they do.  Seeing into their dark places will provide them with the answers to the questions they hide from themselves.

How we view rapist, sex offenders and paedophiles as less than human, monster’s or creatures that deserve neither compassion nor understanding serves no one and certainly is not helping to stop their offending.  They, like victims need answers if we are ever to stop abuse.  Simply placing them behind bars is not the answer. Offenders absolutely need to be punished and suffer the consequences for their actions and the lives they have destroyed. Their punishment will allow the victims to feel vindicated, heard and most importantly believed.

Make it Stop

Surly we all want abuse to stop, for suffering from this act to stop. We have no choice but to find solutions to stop abuse, to show those who commit these atrocities that they need to stop. You will never change anything if you do not understand why you do it and what impact you are having on someone’s life.

If that is to happen we have to stop seeing sex offenders as separate to us, but rather people within our communities that are damaged and need repairing. Probably more importantly we need to have support and help available throughout the country to prevent abusers ever getting to the point of action. There has to be a better way as clearly what we are currently doing is not working.

New Measures

Today 6th June 2018 the government announced that it is considering new measures, including electronic tagging, to tighten restrictions on sex offenders after they are released from prison. The tag would be dependent on the risks that sex offenders pose on the community. The released sex offenders will also be required to be finger printed, photographed and register with Gardaí within 3 days of their release from jail and provide any change of address.

A New Approach

We must stop with our reactive response and begin by treating the cause and not simply the symptoms.  We don’t even do that adequately enough, the scant service provision and cost of attending therapy along with long waiting lists further inflict pain and suffering on the victims of these crimes.

We must begin by providing balanced solutions that help all those impacted, victims and perpetrators alike. We must stretch ourselves and see past the behaviour that destroys lives and look at the person behind them. Only viewing sexual abuse from one angle will not change the outcomes. The ones committing these crimes are the only ones that can provide the answers that we need. We need to provide treatments that will prevent these heinous crimes occurring in the first place.

 “If you keep on doing what you’ve always done,

you’ll keep on getting what you’ve always got.”

W.L.Bateman

Isn’t it time we fixed all our broken people.

Paula Kavanagh- 6th June 2018

Is there a difference between the way men and women view sex and sexual abuse?  Is this difference a contributing factor preventing the necessary supports and laws being put in place to tackle sexual crimes?  Could it be down to a complete lack of understanding of the magnitude of damage that sexual abuse causes for its victims and how the ripple effect impacts us all?

How Bad Does It Have to Get?

We have given this issue a lot of thought and remain completely lost as to why no one other than victims of this crime, seem to realise the necessity and urgency around putting the appropriate laws and supports in place. What can we do to change this? The sheer numbers involved in this crime is horrifying enough, add to that, the fact that it is a worldwide issue.  This should be enough motivation for world leaders to act.  They don’t, and we need to find out why.

It’s like the housing crisis.  We all think the situation is unforgivable and shouldn’t be happening. But there it is, families are suffering, and our leaders do nothing.  What needs to happen for things to change?  How do we help those in positions of power to see, that like the housing crisis immediate action is required? Unless something is done around improving how we currently view and treat sexual abuse crimes, we will all suffer the consequences.

Need for Understanding

We understand that sexual abuse is a very difficult and complex issue. We also know that it requires a willingness to listen to a subject that most would prefer to ignore. But further understanding is needed. Sexual abuse is not simply a sexual act which takes place without consent. It is so much more than that.  It is this very misconception that we believe leads to lack of action in addressing and implementing the necessary changes that are badly needed. This lack of understanding we feel is also present in our court rooms, resulting in poor sentencing for those who commit these sexual crimes. If we are to move forward, we must have open and honest discussions with our legislators.

Delving Deeper

We think part of the problem is that sexual intercourse means something completely different to men and women.  For men, it can appear to be simply a pleasurable physical act. Some men can enjoy the act of sexual intercourse with no emotional attachment to the woman they are with. That is not to imply that sexual intercourse has no emotional meaning for men, it can and does mean much more if it is with someone they love.  However, as the male genitalia is external, the very act of penetration can be perceived that the male is in control and dominant.

For most women, there is an emotional connection before sexual intercourse takes place.  For intercourse to take place it also requires the woman to allow someone to enter her body. This can often be interpreted as the women being submissive.  Allowing someone enter your body appears to be much more emotionally significant to a woman than to a man.

This difference in how sexual intercourse is viewed and experienced by men and women is very important when considering poor sentencing for sexual crimes. We feel that in some cases, judges and men in general don’t see rape the same way women do.  If judges or those who serve on a jury feel that the crime of rape is nothing more than a non-consensual sexual act, then they will pass judgement in ignorance of the impacts on the victim.  The judge may feel sorry for the victim, even empathetic towards her, but no apparent acknowledgement or understanding is shown for the long-term damage of sex crimes and this is itself adding to the suffering of the victim.

Lasting Damage

It is difficult to explain the damage caused to a human being who has been sexually abused.  Words seem inadequate and can hardly capture the sheer magnitude of the damage felt. Speaking from our own experience and listening to other survivors we understand that all sexual crimes leave similar scars.

Our experience of childhood abuse left us devastated. The abuse disrupted our development and increased our likelihood of experiencing other sexual assaults.  We all felt substantial distress and displayed a wide range of psychological symptoms, both short- and long-term.  We felt powerless, ashamed and have struggled to trust others in our lives.

Through our learning of how the abuse affected us we feel confident to say that our childhood experience of sexual abuse was so damaging to our psychological development that it can be compared to a virus. The virus spread to our brain and negatively altered every cell, thought and behaviour. Victims themselves can struggle to understand the level of damage caused by the abuse they experienced. Recovery required a complete reprogramming of all thoughts, feelings and beliefs we picked up throughout our life.

In the short-term, collectively, we exhibited regressive behaviours such as bed-wetting, sleep disturbances, eating problems, asthma, behaviour and/or performance problems at school, and unwillingness/inability to participate in social activities.  Long-term we suffered with anxiety, ill health, depression, anger issues, anxiety attacks, insomnia, and self-destructive behaviours such as excessive use of alcohol and cigarettes.

We each experienced fear and anxiety in response to triggers which popped up without warning. These were simple things like smells, sounds, expressions that reminded us of our abuser or something that was said innocently.  We experienced difficulties forming relationships and indulged in inappropriate sex or avoidance of sex altogether.

We felt anger at our abuser and our mother who failed to protect us. Worse still we felt anger at ourselves for not stopping the abuse.  We felt betrayed and powerless.  We often felt stigmatised by the shame and guilt and internalised responsibility for what happened to us.  We were re-victimized as our self-worth was very low and at times, non-existent. Due to the abuse we felt worthless and abnormal and held a distorted view of sex and love, and we all at different stages in our lives felt suicidal.

Why aren’t we Horrified at the Numbers

It is globally recognised that this is the most under reported crime.  Because of that and the outdated statistics, a gross underestimation of the real figures that state that one in four women and one in six men are sexually abused before they reach the age of eighteen.  Based on these figures imagine one in four women and one in six men across all socio-economic backgrounds are living with the previously stated impacts. It is also important to understand that alongside all those victims are the abusers.

All these victims are currently living every day with the damage of their abuse and we are all, without exception, impacted.  Even though victims may not come forward with their abuse for many years or for some never, they are acting, parenting and socialising out of that damaged self every day.

A New Vision

Can you possibly imagine how it would feel to live in a world where this heinous crime was eradicated?  A world where no one ever again had to go through the pain and suffering that goes hand in hand with sexual abuse.  We all have a responsibility to make that a reality. It’s time to ask yourself …. can I do something about this?

The Kavanagh Sisters-14th June 2018

We kick off this series of podcasts where we undertake a number of interviews with people and organisations that provide supports to victims of sexual violence, childhood sexual abuse or childhood trauma, with Shaneda Daly, Founder of Survivors Side by Side- facebook support page.  

Shaneda, like ourselves was a victim of childhood sexual abuse, she against all odds was successful in having her father convicted and imprisoned for his crimes while all the time having no support from her family.  She has found her calling through reaching out to other victims and supporting them through the process of healing.  She founded ‘Survivors Side by Side’,  a facebook page allowing other victims the space to speak about their struggles or simply to sit and observe others doing so until they find their voice. This is a closed page so everyone on it knows they are safe.

Shaneda is a very courageous and inspiring women, she laughs her way through the most difficult times and is eager to pass on her learning to others who find themselves in the same predicament.  She is a fighter and a strong activist and believe me when I say she never rests; Ministers and TD’s have been plagued by her and she does not let up until she gets the results she wants.  She is funny, open, honest and fearless.  She speaks her mind and is an absolute inspiration to all who are lucky enough to know her. 

The object of the interviews is to provide information about what support is currently available, it will also be an opportunity to highlight what is missing and the huge piece of work still to be done. We firmly believe that together that is possible.

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

Evoking Reactions.

What do you think of when you hear the word “paedophile”? Do you think of a person?

I don’t. I don’t even think of a human being when I hear that word. The media’s portrayal of paedophiles as monsters generates and supports fear. This portrayal can prevent us from seeing them as actual human beings. We have labelled them, categorised them and no longer think of them as human.  All we see is an unforgivable and heinous sexual act against an innocent child from a creature we feel doesn’t deserve to live.

We have identified the problem. We acknowledge it exists, but we want to distance ourselves from having to deal with the issue any further. It is too upsetting for us. We have done exactly the same thing with people who use drugs, de-humanised them, label them as “scum” and again for our own protection we distance ourselves. It is a fear-based reaction, cultivated by media and taken on as fact by the general populous.  I am guilty of buying in to this thinking myself, but I also recognise it serves no one.

 General Consensus

There are not many issues that are easy to get a consensus on.  Paedophiles, however, evoke such deep feelings of anger, rage, hatred and intense disgust the world over.  We don’t feel we should question or challenge anyone for voicing such feelings.  The reason being, we all feel the acting out of their sexual urges with children is unforgiveable so when we hear of vengeance being exacted against a paedophile, most of us would find it difficult to judge the taking of revenge.

In contrast to all of that, we must consider that victims usually know their abuser and are often related to them. Part of the difficulty in dealing with this crime is that now we have to marry this “monster” that is portrayed culturally with this “person” we may or may not have felt love for at one time.

It’s definitely a head wrecker but demonstrates that paedophiles are indeed someone’s Son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, aunt, uncle, or neighbour etc………… human beings.

 Let me tell you a story.

Below is an excerpt from ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse.’ The purpose of sharing this excerpt is simply to encourage an open mind, an open heart and open dialogue around the very emotive issue of Paedophilia.

(excerpt)

Imagine someone knocking at your door and informing you that your daughter or son has been raped.  

Your heart is broken as you listen to the details of what they went through, and who it was that raped him/her.  Imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing.  How do you feel about the abuser? What would you like to see happen to them? How do you feel they should be treated? Would you like to see them physically harmed in any way?

 Now imagine someone knocking on your door and informing you that your son or daughter has abused a child.

Your heart is broken as you listen to the details of what they put the child through. Imagine the range of emotions you are experiencing except wouldn’t you now want to know why? Why did my child behave in such a way? What is going on for my child? How can I help my child?”

 (excerpt)

 Without considering anyone in particular…can you imagine the life you would have if you were a paedophile?  I cannot imagine how I would feel to find out that one of my children had been raped.  Having gone through it myself and knowing the pain and suffering ahead of them it would break my heart. But I would far rather hear they were raped than hear that they had raped someone.

  Not Going Anywhere.

Unfortunately, this is one problem that is not going away on its own.  Even the awareness of how one is viewed and treated if it is known that you are a paedophile doesn’t deter sexual predators. This should inform any right-minded person that this issue requires a higher level of education and understanding from us.  No one would risk being vilified and gaining the label of sex offender if it was simply a matter of choice.

On Friday 29th of December 2017, The Guardian Newspaper reported that there are an “Estimated 20,000 British men interested in sexually abusing children. Within the article they quoted Police Chief Simon Bailey who said that “even thousands more detectives would not be enough to bring every offender to justice”. 

Another probably more alarming aspect of abuse gaining momentum is the fact that women are also sexual predators.  This is something that is even harder for us to comprehend but again quoting The Guardian Newspaper when covering the story of a nursery school worker Vanessa George who pled guilty to sexually abusing young children they reported alarming figures on women found to be sex offenders. In the article as far back as 4th October 2009, they reported that Up to 64,000 women in UK ‘are child-sex offenders.

Finding Balance

Although I am very happy with victims finding their voice and having the courage to tell their story.  It is very important to recognise that every case is different with a unique back story which needs to be considered on an individual basis.  I absolutely hold the view Matt Damon expressed during an interview with ABC News where he stated “There’s a difference between, you know, patting someone on the butt and rape or child molestation, right. “Both of those behaviours need to be confronted and eradicated without question, but they shouldn’t be conflated, right?”  Matt Damon received a lot of criticism for what he said because it was taken out of content.

I personally witnessed an entire family lives being destroyed because of one family members actions that were wrong and harmful to a child. In this case the person was young and sexually curious.  He inappropriately touched someone a lot younger than himself and yes, his actions were wrong and yes, he should have to suffer the consequences of his actions.  But I do not believe he should receive the same punishment as an adult sex offender or serial rapist. He cannot be seen in the same light as someone like my father for example.

 Dangerous Labelling

Fear and lack of understanding ensures that someone like the young man above is automatically labelled as a sexual predator.  The impact on the physical, mental and emotional health of the entire family when his actions came to light is still ongoing.  When friends and family heard about his actions they distanced themselves from the entire family ostracising them and sending the message that they should all feel shame for what had occurred.

Everything is a process and to be horrified and filled with anger and rage because of the actions of a paedophile is a perfectly normal first response. I want to be clear that I am not for one second suggesting that these thoughts are in any way wrong or that you should deny them. I am suggesting that until we can manage to get past this stage of response, we can never hope to create change.

Changing the Outcomes

It took me forever to arrive at my current belief that in order for real change to occur in this world we need to change how we currently view sexual predators and paedophiles. We need to be willing to provide help for sexual offenders.  We need to recognise that they have a problem/sickness/addiction/compulsion? and find our own humanity and offer a helping hand.  No one else is going to do it for us we each have a role to play.

If my sisters and I can arrive at this place after a lifetime of suffering the impacts of being victims of this crime, then I believe we all can do it.  I thank god, I am no longer carrying all that hatred and anger that was only hurting me.

Thank God, more and more people are speaking out about their abuse which greatly decreases the chances of people going to the grave holding on to all of the guilt and shame that was never theirs.  We have a unique opportunity for healing to occur on a global scale if we but have the will.

I am still afraid of paedophiles and the harm they can do. I still don’t understand how anyone could harm a child let alone sexually. I have managed to forgive my own Father but that doesn’t mean I would welcome him with open arms into my life.  I forgave for me not for him. I can now see how desperately we all need to find a way to do the same.  From forgiveness the next obvious step is to help find a way to eradicate this scourge from all our lives.

People fear what they do not understand but the good news is change is happening.  Part of the reason we are so excited about our new book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse.’ is our belief that the knowledge that is held within the pages provided such comfort for us and we regretted not finding it sooner.  We are completely confident that it would have saved us years of self-hatred.  We believe it will do the same for our readers.

 *Within this blog, when I mention paedophiles, I am talking about any sexual predators who has sexually abused children.

June – 3rd January 2018

Positive Impact

I would absolutely like to begin by thanking that woman for her bravery and courage. The outcome of the case, although hugely disappointing (to put it mildly) is a landmark moment. This case will probably do far more good in the long run, not only for the girl herself, but for the worldwide movement for equality for women.  She will probably never know how many people support her, believe her, and have been moved to tears, and to action because of her.

While attending a talk in the Liquor Rooms, Wellington Quay, on ‘The Culture of Sexual Harassment’ last night (28th March) Simone George (Consultant Litigator) said that ‘if we had equality there would be no need for conversations around consent, because we would be dealing with equals.’ These bumps in the road are to insure we stay vigilant in our pursuit for gender equality. The truth of the matter is that every man woman and child is part of the problem.   We were born into it, we may not have created it, but we are responsible for changing it.

Who Holds the Power

The issue of inequality between the sexes, patriarchy and male supremacy all sustain the rape culture that cases like this bring into the light. These seemingly acceptable behaviours all stem from cultural norms that go back generations. These systems were designed by men for men, to ensure that men retained all of the power.

The culture we grew up with has been sustained by generations of men with power, dominating and controlling women’s lives from every conceivable angle. As a result, women of every race, creed and culture have internalised our oppression to the point of simply ‘putting up with it’.   Just as slavery once ended, this too must end.

Conditioning

I have to fight against my own conditioning of resenting and hating men for how they treat women.  It is no more their fault than it is mine.  I do not wish to condone the actions of a rapist or diminish rape and its impacts in any way. However, I think it’s is important to acknowledge that the rapist is just as conditioned to see women as ‘less than’ as women are to accept their behaviours.

We must all take a giant step back and recognise that there is a much bigger problem to deal with.  A complete shift in our thinking is required for change to occur.  We are up against a system, a patriarchy like our political, legal, health and education systems that are inept, outdated and not fit for purpose. Gender inequality is just another system put in place a long time ago.

Change is coming

The good news is that we are gaining small incremental changes. There does appear to be a worldwide awakening around these issues.  It is important to remember that and not get despondent when things go wrong, or we don’t get the outcomes we hope and work for.

All these systems must come down.  Piece by piece, bit by bit.  It will not be easy, and it will take time, but we mustn’t give up or take our eye off the ball and lose momentum.

We must start teaching our children in schools and at home in a more holistic way. We need to provide them the tools they need to navigate this world.  Placing mental health at the top of the agenda.  Children should be learning about their bodies as soon as they begin to walk. To quote Noeline Blackwell (CEO, Dublin Rape Crisis Centre) ‘our education systems should be minding our children’s mental, physical and emotional needs.’

We must teach both boys and girls as young as possible about their own bodies. They need to feel in control and have full autonomy when it comes to personal space and boundaries.

There are strong amazing women and men working tirelessly to attain some balance.  We must all do our bit, however small. We can create a better world where men and women are equal if we work together.

 June- 29th March 2018

I usually don’t feel anything even though Its Mother’s Day my childhood really messed me up so it’s always been this way

I used to wish you showed me love I wanted nothing more I used to long for tenderness from the woman I adored

It’s a lack in my life that will always remain I’ve accepted that’s just how it is I never got to feel your love so I had to settle for his

Never to know if I was loved by the woman I called my mother hurt more than abuse at the hands of the man who damaged me like no other

With no words from you for most of my life I drew my own conclusions no understanding of what I did wrong left me feeling so much confusion

I’ve grown up now and healed some wounds with children of my own if I knew then what I know now I wouldn’t have felt so alone It took a long time but I’m different now I’ve even changed my views as things became clearer I soon realised that you were a victim too  Your life was loveless and empty you did the best you could I’m proud of how you managed you did better that I would

I hope I make you proud mam your life was not in vain you raised amazing children who rose above the pain You showed me what true love is I didn’t know it then you tried to protect us time and time again You had to close your heart you couldn’t take any more but gave your life in service to the family that you bore You gave and gave persistently I just couldn’t see you had to die before my eyes before it dawned on me The truth is mam, my hope for you is peace and love and laughter I really hope your happy now from your loving daughter.

June

GENDER INEQUALITY

I have always felt strongly about gender inequality.  Not just because it’s so unfair but because it’s a major contributing factor in all sexual abuse crimes. However, there is one female attribute that tips the scales a little in our favour that I am very grateful for. That is, the ability to discuss our feelings.

I’ve often thought that at some point in history, powerful men foolishly overlooked this feminine attribute.  They must have viewed it as non-threatening or they would have put a stop to or curtailed it in some way.  Instead throughout the age’s men have smugly demeaned women’s emotional intelligence through labelling it as either ‘women’s talk’, ‘women just being neurotic’, ‘nagging’ or simply women engaging in gossip’. They appeared to believe that women sharing their feelings held no value whatsoever and often prided themselves on not possessing this female trait.

Boy where they wrong. Without our ability to discuss and explore our feelings, the issues around sexual abuse would never have come to light and we wouldn’t have learned about the levels of harm it has left in its wake.  Talking about how we feel is probably the most important tool we have to get us out of this mess, and let’s face it, it is one hell of a mess.

CHANGE OF HEART

The first time I heard that boys were being sexually abused, I was genuinely shocked.  I never expected it and It added another dimension to this crime I hadn’t expected.   It was a lot for me to take in.

The realisation that boys too where being sexually abused was probably the beginning of my change in attitude towards men.  I had to consider them going through what I’d been through.  It wasn’t easy, and I wasn’t very willing.  I hated and resented men for so long because all my suffering had been at the hands of a man. Seeing men as victims opened my heart and gave me a lot to think about.

When cases started to emerge in the media of women who were also sexually abusing young girls and boys, I felt so confused.  I didn’t want to believe it and still don’t, but it is the truth. I had to accept that this crime was far more complex than I had originally thought, and also, that it was not gender specific.

WORK TO BE DONE

There is an awful lot of work still to be done as every day more and more sexual abuse is being uncovered.  The media is now saturated with stories of sexual abuse and we believe we are still only touching the tip of the iceberg.  We must focus on healing the courageous victims that are speaking out while continuing to encourage further male and female victims of sexual abuse to come forward and heal.

Female victims have the advantage because of their capacity to share how they feel.  We need to make it safe for men to do the same. These men may be our husbands, sons, fathers or brothers.  We all need each other and there are many reasons why we have a duty to help men deal with their abuse. Firstly, we need to support and have compassion for those men who were actively discouraged against discussing their feelings, because we understand its importance in recovery. Men were always taught that sharing feelings was a weakness. If we do not help them to communicate and talk about how they feel, we will continue to see men remain trapped in their pain. Men who stay stuck in pain and hurt are destined to develop negative thinking patterns and behaviours that impact those around them.

They may become aggressive and act out their anger because it is one emotion that has always been considered acceptable for men.

Secondly, it is the right thing to do. If we want real equality, it goes both ways.  We need to keep our hearts open.  Our society will remain negatively impacted if even one person doesn’t receive the help they deserve.

It is fair to say that there are both victims and perpetrators of sexual abuse in all walks of life here in Ireland, working at all levels in our society, infiltrating, influencing and manipulating all our institutions.  We simply have no way to measure the effect this is having on our way of life. We need to consider how our lives are and will continue to be impacted and shaped by this fact with the understanding that perpetrators and victims who have not received any help or support may be responsible for making decisions every day that affects our lives.  It would be unreasonable to expect favourable or positive outcomes from damaged people.

CHALLENGE EVERYTHING, WE HAVE BEEN TAUGHT

Men and women need to challenge what they were taught about their gender. What where you told was a man or a woman’s role?  Do you agree with it? what makes a man, a man, or a woman, a woman? Just what qualities, behaviours, attributes or feelings were assigned to each gender.  What as a woman or a man where you told you should be aiming for in life. Ask yourself is it now what you want?

We must make it acceptable for men to express their vulnerabilities, share their fears and thoughts with us and their male friends. Ensure men that they will be gaining something, not losing.  We could all be better at seeing the sharing of pain as an act of bravery not one of weakness. The old saying that ‘real men don’t cry’ has to be eliminated from deep in our consciousness.   Men must also get on board and acknowledge women’s emotional intelligence and do their part to ensure equality.

REALLY NOT IMPORTANT

I have reached a point in my life where I realise I will never understand why or how one person can sexually abuse another, and it doesn’t really matter.  What does it matter if it’s a girl or a boy, a man or a woman, sexual abuse is always wrong and has no gender preference. It is time to understand that sharing our experiences and emotions without shame or concern of judgement is the only way forward for all of us.

June – 20th August 2018

Shift in Thinking

Rape cases happen every day but because of how this trial was reported on, and the treatment of both the victim and the accused men, this case caused a palpable shift in thinking about casual sex and how consent is given and understood. For many women both north and south of the border it was time to stand up and say enough is enough.

It is also reasonable to say that we only heard about this case because the accused were celebrities in the rugby world.  Although the accused were found not guilty of rape, the public’s reaction following the verdict was understandable and, in my opinion, warranted.

Even though they were found not guilty of rape, they were most definitely guilty of treating a young girl as an object for their own sexual gratification. They demonstrated no understanding of the condition they left the young girl in and showed a complete lack of consideration for her well-being. They paid no regard to the fact that the girl they had intimate relations with left their home bloodied, bruised and in tears.  In my opinion this is a disgusting way to behave towards anyone.  The inappropriate texts that emerged during the trial added to how enraged the public felt towards these men.

It is rare that people react so strongly to a rape case, but the Belfast trial provoked an enormous response as it clearly highlighted the plight of the victim.  It must have resonated or affected people personally in order to trigger this level of response.

In my opinion both our drinking culture and our not too distant relationship with the church and its deliberate misrepresentation of what sex and sexuality meant in our lives allowed both men and women to relate to the victim and accused.  There probably is no one, male or female who hasn’t woke up at some time in their past, hung over and not remembering where they were or how they got home.

I find It commendable that people got behind the victim in the Belfast rape trial as she demonstrated such courage while being treated appallingly by the courts. However, it would be even better if everyone could respond to the entire issue of rape and sexual violence in the same way and recognise how personally our lives are impacted by these crimes.  We are in danger of becoming de-sensitised to this crime through the regularity of media reports.   We need to see this crime for the epidemic that it is.

Living in Denial

Knowing that the available statistics around rape and sexual violence is not reflective of the actual numbers of victims living with the impacts of this crime, makes it inconceivable that Northern Ireland was left with no rape crisis centre due to lack of funding.  It speaks volumes about the levels of denial that currently exists around the need for providing resources for these crimes.

We need to understand how victims of sexual crimes are affected if we are ever to realise how these crimes ultimately impact and shape our communities.  When will we see that through not providing adequate supports to both the victims and perpetrators in these cases, we all pay the price?

Some examples of how the effects on victims spill over into all our lives:

1. Some victims looking for pain relief from their emotional and psychological suffering turn to drink or drugs. These individuals that we often refer to as “druggies” are merely trying to stop the pain they feel. If anything, we should feel compassion for the levels of pain they are trying to avoid.
2. Some victims get in deeper and deeper and have to turn to crime to support the habit that began because of an inability to cope with their suffering.  They don’t’ feel they are worth anything. The drugs they take to avoid their pain is also preventing them from any positive feelings or hope for a better future.
3. Violence is often the trademark of male victims of sexual abuse in an attempt to take back their power and their masculinity.  These victims often end up in prison for committing violent crimes and are likely to be there because they don’t know how to express emotions in a healthy manner as they were neither given the permission or the tools necessary to speak out.
4. We found during our research for ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’that men and women that have experienced abuse and don’t receive treatment for trauma are more likely to develop mental health issues, addictions, eating disorders and have suicidal tendencies.
5. Marital issues around sex, spills over into discontentment and unhappy marriages. This leads to poor parenting which contributes to the next generation of dysfunctional adults.

These are just some of the ways rape and sexual violence impacts all of us. Although this might seem like an extreme generalisation, it is not even touching the sides of the scale of this problem.

Yet another way we pay for this crime is through our taxes. We pay for this crime through the health sector, judicial system, child and family services, addictions services, and probation services.

Wake Up Call

We need to collectively wake up to the scale of the problem and start taking it seriously. An obvious starting point would be providing the much-needed funding for the current experienced service providers both north and south of the border like the Rape Crisis Centres-One in Four-CARI and Nexus. We need to recognise the vital role these services play in providing advice and support to victims and their families.

The waiting lists for these services are outrageous with Nexus NI currently holding a waiting list of 800 people. I wonder what it will take before the government understand just how short sighted it is not to supply the funding on this end of the problem, knowing that if these individuals cannot access the help they need they will end up costing the state more through the fall out.  The state needs to step up to the plate and start fulfilling their responsibilities.  Victims are tired of being let down with nowhere to turn and trying to navigate their pain and suffering while this country constantly demonstrates no consideration or compassion through lack of provision for them.

It is also important that we all understand that we can play a role in calling for change. We have a right to feel outraged and see the current situation as unacceptable. Protesting does have an impact on how we move forward. Everyone needs to do whatever they can, public voices do count.

Moving Forward

In relation to the men at the centre of the Belfast trial I offer the following advice. Give back, find a relatable cause (such as the new development of a rape crisis centre in Belfast) and fund raise or give talks if that’s what is needed to redeem yourselves.

Rightly or wrongly you find yourselves in a very negative position. A position that represents an era of misogyny and male domination that we are rightly moving away from. Your actions now could make a huge positive contribution to that movement.

June- 19th April 2018

Those of us who have suffered from flashbacks or strong emotional or physical responses in the most inopportune moments can really struggle to connect the dots.

Because triggers can be from the most innocuous things, it is not uncommon to become flooded by feelings of fear or panic that often appear to come out of the blue and without any warning or connection to anything that is happening at the time.

Add to that that once you get triggered the response felt can last for a second or linger for weeks. This can make it even more difficult for you to understand what the initial cause or trigger for your emotional or physical response was.

When I broke my ankle a few years back I began to have nightly panic attacks. I had an overwhelming feeling that I was going to die in the middle of the night. I really struggled to understand what was happening to me. I went around all day feeling panic and a physical pain in my chest and was constantly dreading the thoughts of bedtime.

I found myself delaying going to bed and only gave in when I was exhausted, even then I’d sit on the top stair for at least ten minutes telling myself that I was fine and had nothing to worry about. This carried on for weeks until I finally understood that I was being triggered by my dependency on my partner to do everything for me. I hated feeling helpless and out of control and all this brought me back to my childhood feelings of not being able to escape when my father came into my room at night to rape me.

What are Triggers? 

A trigger is anything that reminds you of your trauma. They can be extremely personal and can occur at any time. Triggers can be sounds, smells, tastes, touch, the tone in someone voice, hearing a word or phrase, seeing images, videos, an expression or a gesture.  It is likely that you may feel powerless to stop your immediate emotional or physical response to your triggers.

What Happens When you are Triggered?

A trigger can cause a strong or overwhelming emotional or physical response which can occur at any time. A typical response can be anger, rage, uncontrollable crying, physical pain, palpitations or breathlessness.

These triggered responses can transport you back to unconscious or stored memories or experiences of trauma. It is not unusual for you to feel confused or overwhelmed, and you can sometimes feel like you have been hit by a train.

Why are Victims of Abuse Vulnerable to Triggers?

Those of us who have experienced trauma as a child develop a variety of coping mechanisms that allow us to store memories or emotions away from our conscious minds.

When you engage one of your senses connected to your abuse, for instance in my case the sounds of someone eating loudly or crunching food can immediately transport me back to a memory of my father and how much I hated sitting at the table while he shoveled food into his mouth and dribbled its contents down his top.

Understanding just how you store memories can help to understand why these emotional or physical experiences can appear to have no apparent connection to what is happening in your life at the time when they occur.

Understanding Your Coping Mechanisms

I can honestly say I was shocked that something as simple as a broken ankle could throw be back into memories of my abuse.  When we were researching coping mechanisms for our book, ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ we discovered how as victims of abuse our memories are often fragmented, with this knowledge things began to fall into place. Understanding that it is not uncommon for emotions and facts to be stored in different parts of the brain helped me make the connections between triggers and emotional responses.

It is for this very reason that I understand the importance of victims understanding all of the many ways abuse impacts your life so that you can take control and save yourself from needless suffering and pain.

What to Do in the Moment?

I know it’s all well and good to say that you don’t have to carry on being triggered when you’re on the other side of the trauma. However, I have found a number of things helped me through the times I struggled the most.

1. Firstly, talk to someone. Call a support person or friend to say how you are feeling and allow them to help you. It is not a sign of weakness to get help rather a sign of strength. Remember how you feel when you are in a position to help a friend it’s the same for them, so where possible call someone.
2. Breath, I know how simple this can sound but it really can help. If you can bring your attention to your breath, breathing in for 10 and out for 10 and then reduce it to 9, 8, 7 and so on… it helps to not only distract you from the panic but calms you down and helps you sleep.
3. Acknowledge your feelings be it upset of angry I know this also sounds easy but crying or getting angry is something I still struggle with. I can tell you that when I do make a conscious effort to express my feelings things improve.
4. Repeat a Mantra/statement or phrase: By repeating a phrase in your head you distract yourself long enough to calm down and think more rationally. This can be anything like ‘Everything is Ok’ to ‘I am going to be fine’ it is not important what you say just the act of repeating the statement will work to get you out of your head.
5. Try writing how you are feeling. Writing is a great way to express yourself freely.
6. Drink water: because the body releases chemicals when you are anxious water can help release toxins and reduce the stress you are feeling.
7. Triggers for anyone who experienced any type of trauma can be very debilitating and frightening. I feel it is especially true for those of us who experienced childhood sexual abuse. If you understand how your memories work and how to access them, you will be better placed to identify and manage those things that trigger painful memories in the future.

Paula- 4th February 2018

I can say that I would have been very happy to describe myself as a perfectionist as I saw it as a person who was good and wanted to do their best. I was often teased for the way I did certain things in the house. I ignored this believing that I was doing things right and they are just too lazy to bother. I never saw it as a negative way of being in the world.

Dr.Brené Brown says perfectionism is one of the three main ways people protect themselves from getting hurt. She says it is just a form of armour and connected to your sense of shame and fear of not being good enough.

She explains that we use perfectionism in areas of our lives that we feel most vulnerable. It is driven by the belief that ‘if I look perfect, work perfect, live perfect I will avoid or minimise criticism, blame or ridicule’.

Where did it start for me?

When I was in school I would ask Joyce to write my homework in my copy because her writing was tidy, and my copy stayed clean. My writing was sloppy, and my copy was always dirty from using my eraser over and over again.  Over time I began to copy her writing, partly so I wouldn’t get caught out, but mainly because I was so embarrassed at my own handwriting.

When I began working in the family business making soft toys I was so obsessed with keeping my work space clear. I became very stressed if my bench was untidy, I had nothing on the surface that was not immediately needed and the tools I needed e.g. scissors and chalk had to be placed just right or I found myself feeling tense, getting headaches or physical pain in my body. At the time I didn’t make any connection to my physical symptoms.

When I played basketball, I would come home and wash everything I had on. I was convinced my clothes needed to be scalded clean to remove any trace of personal odour.

I ironed everything I wore, pants, socks, bras and even washed my runners and removed the laces and ironed them too. I also spent a lot of time making sure the laces went back into the runner without creasing them. I knew this was mad, but I felt so ugly on the inside, so my outward appearance had to be perfect enough to distract from anyone noticing me.

OCD and Perfectionism

I developed a number of conditions in my teens which I was unaware of, I just thought it was my way of doing things. I was obsessed with cleanliness and doing things in a particular order. Because of this everything took longer as I had to repeat the task three times to ensure I removed all the dirt.

When I cleaned my bedroom, I had to do it in a particular order, removing all bedding and hoovering the bed and floor at least three times in case I missed anything. I would then remove my clothes and put them in the wash before showering and scrubbing every inch of my body with a nail brush to make sure I got rid of all the germs I imaged were on my skin.

I hated my life and the only thing that helped was my love of basketball. I created a completely different me with the basketball group. Although I was obsessive in the sport, training every day and often getting up at 6 am to run drills, I also slept with my basketball beside me. To me this seemed perfectly normal because I convinced myself it was necessary in becoming a good basketball player

Perfectionism Made Me Miserable

In college and in my working life, striving for perfection in everything I did put me under tremendous pressure as what I was looking for was impossible. I hated that I was an all or nothing person, so if I made a mistake and wanted to avoid criticism I just quit the task I was on at the time, making some excuse why it couldn’t be completed. I was so anxious all the time and convinced that I was incapable of doing anything right. I was constantly waiting for someone else to realise that I was stupid and sack me.

I pushed myself to work harder than my colleagues. No matter how busy and overloaded I already felt, I never said no to anyone asking me to do something, I even volunteered myself for extra work knowing it was impossible to meet my deadlines. I didn’t want anyone to know I couldn’t cope so used to take the work home and stay up most nights to get it completed.

I put myself under so much pressure to do things perfectly and did not tolerate mistakes. I became increasingly ill, developing rashes, headaches, sinus problems, and allergies. I struggled more and more to sleep often returning to work after two hours sleep if I was lucky. I’d stare at the wall wishing I wasn’t so much of a coward and willed myself to just end it all.

How to I stop being a perfectionist?

The more I find out about how and why I developed the need to be perfect the more I recognise how unachievable and unnecessary it is. Through researching for ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ I had to explore the various conditions and disorders that I developed as a result of my childhood trauma. This information has armed me with the knowledge I needed to make the necessary changes. I could see the energy I was devoting to overthinking and overdoing any task I took on.

This will sound like a contradiction but, how I minimise my need for perfectionism is, I don’t try. I accept that this is something I do and don’t use it as another way to tell myself that I have failed or something else to hate myself for. Now when I start a new project I start at the end. I ask myself what I am trying to achieve and who am I trying to please.

My desire for perfectionism is driven by my need  to be right and my belief that others can’t do the work as well as me.  This often stops me asking for help when I feel overwhelmed. This behaviour only feeds my perfectionism, but the more I recognise this in my behaviour the more I can challenge it.

Believe it or not my dogs really helped me because they don’t care if  the house or car is spotless or that I want everything to be perfect.  They do their own thing regardless and accept me just as I am.

Dr. Brené Brown stated that the difference between perfectionism and a striver is the idea that you are doing something for the approval of others. I do the perfectionism less and less and the striver more. This has resulted in me improving in my belief that what I do, I do to the best of my ability and that is always good enough.

15th February 2018 – Paula

Joyce and I have both suffered from panic attacks, and although, for Joyce, they are a thing of the past, I unfortunately on occasion still struggle with them.  I hope that this blog will help others who also suffer with these awful attacks, to gain a deeper understanding of the fear that surrounds them. It is important that you know that you are not crazy, and you can manage them with awareness and support.

I have thought about writing a blog on this subject for some time now but I hesitated for fear that simply writing about it, would bring on an attack. I experienced my first anxiety attack when I broke my leg a few years ago.   That forced confinement brought to the surface feelings of helplessness and dependency. At the time I didn’t really understand what was happening and over the next few months I became more and more anxious.  I believe it was this recurrence of anxiety that resulted in my first panic attack.

My panic attacks came out of the blue, my lips began to feel strange and because I had bell’s palsy in the past, I was afraid it would come back again. This was followed by a tingling sensation running through body. My heart began to thump out of my chest and I felt like I couldn’t breathe. The fear built up so rapidly that it took complete control of my thoughts. The overwhelming feelings that I was about to die or have a stroke was terrifying. My imagination brought images to my mind of at best, me lying dead on the floor alone or being taking away by ambulance to a mad house.

Now I would consider myself a rational and logical person and I can tell the difference between imagination and reality quite easily. However, when I am in the middle of a panic attack nothing can tell me that what I am feeling is not real. I am absolutely convinced that I am going to have a stroke, or more likely I am about to die.

What scares me most is the place I felt safest is no longer available to me, my mind. I am most comfortable in my head and it is also where I retreat to when I’m stressed or worried. My fear around having an attack can make it difficult to focus on my work and this causes more stress. It becomes a vicious circle.

It is the actual fear and anticipation of an attack that drives my anxiety.  I am sure that I have even brought on an attack by focusing on the fear. However, lately I have tried meditations and mental exercises to talk myself down and they are working for me while I work on uncovering the underlying cause of the attacks.

This may sound strange, but I am grateful for the panic attacks because they have forced me out of my head and into the moment. I have always found when I’m stressed or worried, I get ill or have physical pain.  The panic attacks are just another way to look at what is going on in the background. I believe they will stop when I understand what they are trying to tell me.

Childhood Trauma

For those of us who have experienced trauma as children it is most likely that the triggers to panic attacks have their roots in the past. It is also likely that the fear is subconscious. Fear is only powerful when we do not know its origins, it loses its power if we understand where it comes from.  Exploring childhood trauma with a professional can uncover the root cause behind the fear that drives panic attacks.

In the meantime, if you understand what is happening inside your body when having an attack, it may help to stop it before it gets going.

I read somewhere that it only takes three minutes for adrenaline to fill your body and cause a panic attack. That also means that you will have three minutes to stop the adrenaline before the attack takes hold. To stop an attack, you must interrupt the messages of fear going to your brain.

During my last attack, I tried the steps below and it did stop the attack before it got hold. It didn’t remove the fear but at least I wasn’t controlled by it.

I am aware that it’s both the anticipation of the attack and the thoughts during the attack that do me the most harm.

Following these steps was most helpful to me:

This is the one that really worked for me – Scream in your head STOP over and over until the panic stops. (I can’t tell you why this is effective but it definitely stops my attacks.)

Try to relax, I know how difficult this is, but it is the first step that will allow you to stop the messages going to the brain telling you that you are in danger and prevent the release of any more adrenaline.

Focus on your breath, breathe in and out to a count of 7, then 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Make the breaths as deep as you can, this can be very difficult, but it really will help so persevere.

Think of a place, person, or thing that you associate with being calm and relaxed.

Scream in your head ‘I’m fine’ ‘I am ok’ ‘Nothing bad is going to happen’ the louder you can scream the better.

Repeat your own positive messages to counter what you normally say during an attack. The point is to stop you repeating the negative fear filled messages that make the attack worse and last longer.

When the attack has passed write a list of everything you fear in this moment, it is necessary to dissect these fears.  You may discover the similarities in your present and your past fears.  Understanding your fear removes its power.

This takes time and practice, but I found it helped me.  Once you can deal with the symptom’s you will be free to begin to focus on the underlying cause.  You need to know that a panic attack will not kill you. Use them to understand yourself and you will come out the other end stronger.

Paula – 28th March 2018

Body Shame

I recently joined a Zumba dance class and although it was very enjoyable, I couldn’t help but notice the vast difference between the instructor and the Irish women present.  The instructor looked so free and comfortable with her body while the Irish women looked stiff and prohibited whenever the movements could be perceived any way sexual in nature.

It is so long since I had taken part in anything like this that I was more than a little shocked at how self-conscious I was about how I looked doing these movements.  I thought it must be a cultural thing, my body is never going to be able to gyrate like that.

Later when I returned home and thought about it, I realised that yes it was cultural.  I had been taught a long time ago that my body and all its sexual functions were shameful. I was taught by a system that set me up as a sexual target, to be used and abused.

The Dominance of the Church

The system I refer to is the catholic church which aligned themselves with the government. Together they took up the mantle of oppression after English colonisation ended.  The Irish nation were still recovering and seeking hope for a brighter future.  The church promised heaven if you followed the commandments and Irish people were hurting, poor and with little or no education and so followed like sheep to the slaughter house. The church took advantage of Ireland’s time of need and instead of providing leadership, the church, together with the government took control over everyone.

Keepers of Our Souls

When I was a child, the church was responsible for our moral conduct and the keepers of our souls.  Everyone believed they had a direct line to God and so whatever they said must be true.

In my opinion, the church did the ground work and prepared all of us, albeit unintentionally, to be sexually abused.  The sermons in the pulpit sent out the message that sex was a bad thing unless you were married, it was not meant to be enjoyed but rather it was meant purely for procreation purposes.

In case that message wasn’t strong enough the church prohibited contraception to ensure no one had autonomy over their own bodies or the opportunity to have a free and healthy sex life that they themselves could control.  And according to the church, masturbation was also bad.  This sent out the clear message that your body was something to be ashamed of.

Intentionally or not, this left everyone feeling ashamed and overly self-critical of their bodies. They became frightened of any sexual drive, and like the forbidden fruit, this led to an unhealthy interest in sex.  What is, and should have always been a perfectly natural and healthy part of the human experience was deliberately destroyed and used as a weapon of control against lay people.

How to Control the Masses

The church set the tone for how women were to be viewed and treated.  They dominated women’s lives completely and seemed to take a special interest in controlling their sexuality.   In 1944 the church opposed the introduction of Tampons, claiming they might arouse women.

The mother and child scheme in 1950 was also opposed by the church which would have provided mothers and their children up to age 16 free health care. Up to then the church dictated on a woman’s ability to reproduce and feared that this scheme would open the door to contraception and abortion. As they owned and ruled over the hospitals and schools, they held a lot of power. However, it wasn’t till 1985 when women fought together, that the church finally lost their battle to stop women accessing contraception.

For the longest time a woman couldn’t refuse to have sex with her husband. If a couple were having problems in their relationship, the husband went to see the priest who would then inform the woman, that she should honour her ‘wifely duties’.  This sent a clear and powerful message to everyone that men were superior, and women were nothing but their property, to do with as they pleased.

How Education was Manipulated

To maintain their control the church needed to keep everyone subservient and ignorant. Education was and remains a powerful tool to keep the masses under control.

For women education was considered a waste of time and money. Women had a role to play that did not require them to think for themselves, they were only ever going to run a home and raise a family.

For men in the 1960’s the church made it a mortal sin to even attend Trinity College and regarded it as an unsafe environment for “the fateful.” This was endorsed by the Vatican and if you wanted to go to trinity, you had to get special dispensation from the pope, a letter of tolerance. This ban was in fact not lifted until 1971.

State & Church Rule Together

The government ruled on the few aspects of women’s lives that the church couldn’t reach. Everywhere in society women were given the strong message that men’s need’s and lives were more important than theirs.

Men were given all the control in and outside the home. In 1973-Married women had to leave their jobs in the civil service, as it was considered that they were occupying jobs that men should be holding. A woman had to get signed permission from their husband to collect children’s allowance. A woman couldn’t earn the same rate for a job as a man, she couldn’t even order a pint unless she had a man with her and even then, she was asked to pour it into two half pint glasses and sit in the snug out of sight.

As you had to be a homeowner woman were excluded from sitting on a jury. If a woman was being beaten by her husband, she had to put up with it as she was not allowed to apply for a barring order against her husband.

The list goes on and on.

Our History Influences our Present & Future

It is not about placing blame and responsibility on the state and church for the past. It is however, about acknowledging the reality of what happened here in Ireland, with particular reference to women.  Examining how the church’s actions alongside the governments support created an environment for sexual crimes to happen is necessary. Understanding that not only did they breed a cultural of acceptance of women being objects, but throughout history when an attitude exists where anyone feels more entitled, valuable or important than another person or group of people, appalling, sometimes unthinkable things happen.

No one is ‘less than’ anyone else. That is the Ireland we are striving for. The beliefs held and culture of non-accountability that allows child sexual abuse to continue has to stop. I firmly believe that the time is right, and it can happen when we all stand together and say ‘enough is enough.’

You cannot stifle human nature or the human spirit.

June Kavanagh – 6th August 2018

Searching for the Right Answers

The first thing I would say is that you cannot answer that question easily.  In my mind the answer is enormous, as I believe to survive my own experience of childhood sexual abuse I had to become/create an entire new me.  There isn’t a part of me that escaped being altered as a direct response to my abuse. I realise that is far too simplistic a response and doesn’t help someone who hasn’t experienced Childhood Sexual Abuse gain any understanding, so I will do my best to tease that out somewhat.

Recovery

In an attempt to recover from my own experience of childhood sexual abuse I have spent many years unravelling and identifying the multitude of ways I was impacted. One thing I know for sure is that I couldn’t have moved forward with my life if I hadn’t gone back to revisit the source of all my pain and find some way to understand and forgive all involved.  Again, I am aware that sounds like a simple enough statement but believe me it was a long and painful journey that at times felt, was too high a price to pay, but it absolutely wasn’t.

Dark Thoughts

I can look back now on my life and say that before I started therapy I was an absolute mess,  physically, mentally and emotionally and I cannot imagine where or how I would be today if I had not chosen the ‘red pill’ so to speak.  I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t suffering inside, regardless of what I portrayed to the rest of the world.   My negative self-talk ultimately became the bedrock from which I created the lie I lived and believed to be me.  Thoughts like, I deserved the abuse, God hates me, everyone hates me, I’m stupid, I have no value, I have the blackest soul, I’m the most disgusting and horrible creature on the planet, no one cares about me, why will no one save me? Consumed my every waking moments. I can now see that my experiences were generating and supporting these thoughts and that I had no choice but to come to these conclusions.

Self-Hatred

As I describe these feelings I can see that they are insufficient at portraying the depth of self hatred I felt whenever I dared to stop and think about it, which was too often.

I felt that inside of me was a blackness that I understood to be bad or evil.  This blackness took up a position in my body just below my heart and was oval in shape and ended around my navel.  I could literally feel this blackness when I inhaled.  There was pain attached to it when I focussed on it and so I did my best not to think about it.  I knew it was still there after attending years of therapy and I believed that no one was able to reach it or help me rid myself of it.  I didn’t know how it got there and so I didn’t know how to get rid of it, all I knew was that whenever I focussed and took a deep breath I could feel it and so I still believed I was bad or evil and no one could help me.

Awareness and Understanding

My understanding of it now is that my early experience of sexual abuse hurt me so deeply and there was no nurturing to interrupt all of the negative feelings accompanying the abuse.  I developed a powerfully negative self-image.  Although I was exposed to a plethora of emotions, I had no understanding of them which caused confusion.

The premature introduction of unwanted painful intercourse left me with huge feelings of shame and guilt in relation to my physical body and its natural functions.  When the abuse began, I didn’t understand what was happening. I hadn’t yet the language or maturity to articulate what and how I was feeling, so I held all my pain in my body. I don’t know how or why but I could feel it around my diaphragm which I managed with my breath.

Over time the negative self-talk and self-hatred grew until I actually believed I could feel the exact shape and location of my badness.  What started as poor self-image and negative self-talk over time grew into this blackness, I believed represented my badness.

I now understand these thoughts began with being sexually abused. Over time the pain and suffering was added to on a daily basis through an accumulation of millions of tiny perceived hurts, an angry word with someone, a slagging from a family member, feeling embarrassed, to name but a few……..   Years of daily additions to my blackness resulted in a deeply held belief in my lack of worth.

Finding My Truth

Now I know that my true self never went anywhere, I just buried it under so much negativity.  I think I always knew deep down I was good and after many years in therapy, reading books, watching programmes and writing our books I cannot even remember the day, but I do remember talking about my badness to my sister and taking a deep breath to check in with the familiar black feeling I usually located when I focused but this day I could no longer feel it.

It would seem that unknowingly, I was in fact for years, chipping away at my negativity. Slowly re-learning that I am a good person and I do have worth.  I now realise that every effort to improve yourself pays off eventually even if you don’t feel it.

Knowledge is Power

The good news is there is endless research on the impacts of abuse which we have written extensively about in our book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ and the natural response to trauma.  This information will go a long way to reassuring you that you are not alone.   The research shows that no matter how you responded to the abuse, it was and is, a perfectly normal human response to being subjected to abuse.

It would seem that as humans we are hardwired to make life difficult for ourselves.  Your abuser starts by damaging you, but your own human nature can mean that you do far more damage to yourself long after the abuse is over than your abuser could ever do.   This by no means makes abusers any less guilty for the pain and suffering they have caused, but it is interesting to note that one of our biggest obstacle to healing can be our lack of ability to forgive ourselves.

The information we came across when writing Why Go back? would certainly have saved us years of needless suffering and our hope is that this book does the same for other victims.

June- 22nd January 2018

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888

In today’s podcast we will be discussing triggers for victims of childhood sexual abuse. What are they? and why do we need to know about them.

For victims of abuse or trauma of any description a trigger can be anything that reminds you of your trauma. These triggers are extremely personal and can occur at any time. Triggers can be sounds, smells, tastes, touch, the tone in someone voice, hearing a word or phrase, seeing images, videos, an expression or a gesture.  

The impact for some victims of abuse or trauma may cause overwhelming emotional or physical response and unfortunately can happen out of the blue causing a myriad of emotional or physical responses. Triggers can catapult a victim back to the memory of their abuse but because of how memories are stored within the mind and body the cause of the pain may not necessarily be clear.

Understanding how memories are stored can help to understand why these emotional or physical experiences can appear to have no apparent connection to what is happening in your life at the time when they occur. It is only by exploring your responses and behaviours that you will ever make sense of what is happening and why. It is with this information that you will be in a position to address those issues in your life that you are unhappy with.

On our website (link below) there are a number of blogs that you may find useful in relation to triggers, a blog on triggers and some blogs on what can be difficult occasions for victims of abuse along with a number on the impacts of abuse.

Please share and spread the word……

 Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

 https://thekavanaghsisters.com/blogs/

https://thekavanaghsisters.com/2018/02/04/understanding-triggers/

It is unfortunate that Joe is not alone in his silence.  Although more and more cases of childhood sexual abuse are being reported daily, childhood sexual abuse still remains the most under reported crime across the globe with many victims bringing their experience of sexual abuse with them to the grave.

Who Are the Abusers?

According to Darkness to Light (www.d2l.org) about 90% of children who experience childhood sexual abuse know their abuser and of those molesting a child under six, 50% were family members. Family members also accounted for 23% of those abusing children ages 12 to 17.  It is these very relationships that adds to the difficulty for victims to speak out.

It is also widely recognised that children who are being abused often love and trust the person that is abusing them. The abused child will have undergone a grooming process leaving them confused about exactly what is happening and who is to blame.

The Lasting Impacts of Grooming.

In our book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ we talk extensively about the process of grooming.  We firmly believe that if you are not aware of how grooming happens, you will never be in a position to keep your child safe.

Grooming occurs in stages and most often happens slowly allowing the abuser to build trust with everyone involved in the child’s life.  The most damaging stage of grooming a child, occurs when the abuser gets the child to touch his/her genitals.  The act of touching the abuser’s genitals changes everything for the child.  It can leave the child believing that not only have they participated in the act, but they may even feel they were responsible for instigating what happened. This leaves the child confused as to whether or not what is happening is abuse. The process of ‘grooming’ will now shape the thoughts and future behaviors of that child.

10 Reasons Not To Tell!

1. The victim may not understand that what is happening is abuse.

Because grooming occurs over a period of time and the abuse can build slowly.  A child can often feel that what is happening is normal.  They don’t like it, but they don’t feel they have a choice and so feel they have to do what they are told. As they become adults depending on what they used to cope with the abuse they most often can push the memories to the back of their minds and convince themselves it is over now so forget it.

2. Fear of the abuser.

It is often the case that the abuser threatens the child or another family member. They may threaten that they will get hurt or be removed from their home if they speak out or that no one will believe them. This belief and the fear of the abuser carries into adulthood unless it is interrupted or challenged.

3. Fear of not being believed and worrying about what people would think of them.

Through the process of demeaning the child, constant taunting and name calling, along with the child feeling dirty and ashamed for the abuse, victims can really struggle to believe they are innocent. Developing a number of social anxieties due to the long-term impacts of trauma can also make telling someone next to impossible.

4. Feelings of confusion, guilt, shame and responsibility.

Again because of the grooming process the child often takes on the responsibility for the abuse. Developing strong beliefs around personal involvement/collusion or engagement in the act of abuse itself. This is most likely lead to the adult survivor feeling that telling someone would be more like a confession than reporting of a crime and so they remain silent.

5. Feelings for the abuser.

As most abuse is carried out by someone the child knows, trusts, and in a lot of cases is dependent on they will be very reluctant to speak out.  All children love their parents regardless of how they act. In abuse cases it is often misguided loyalty that can prevent the victim from speaking out. Fear of tearing the family apart, of the family member being physically hurt or sent to prison are all contributing factors that can prevent even the strongest child/adult from speaking out.

6. Trust Issues.

One of the most damaging impacts of childhood sexual abuse is the struggle victims have in placing their trust in anyone. When the abuser is someone that you were supposed to trust, abuse by that person leaves a lot of confusion and a constant struggle not only to trust others, but more damaging is the inability to trust themselves. This is an area that requires a lot of work to rebuild but can be done gently and over time.

7. Fear of the consequences.

The fear of who will be impacted by disclosure is usually the biggest concern for victims of childhood sexual abuse. The awareness that the non-abusing parents, siblings, friends etc will all suffer when the abuse is disclosed can prevent victims from ever coming out and telling their story. It is not uncommon for victims to hold their truth until a parent dies so as to lessen the pain they feel they will be inflicting on those they love. The saddest thing is that once the victim remains silent they also take on the responsibility for something they had nothing to do with.

8. Not having the language to explain what is happening.

Victims of childhood sexual abuse very often lack the capacity to express, understand or build normal ways of expressing their emotions. This can leave victims fearful that even if they decided to tell someone about their abuse, they wouldn’t know how to explain it or even may struggle with gathering full memories. This is due to the manner in which trauma affects the brains development and how memories of abuse are stored in fragments. Understanding that this is perfectly normal and is a result of the abuse will help victims overcome these difficulties and be better able to express their feelings appropriately.

9. Believing the abuse is temporary and will stop soon.

Often victims of abuse convince themselves that what is happening is temporary even if it carries on for many years. Their need to believe that what is happening will be over soon is a coping mechanism that they develop to survive the immediate abuse. This is why educating your children around the impacts of abuse if vital.

10. The victim may believe they are being punished for being bad. They may also believe it will stop if they are good.

Victims often believe that there is something inherently wrong with them and that is the reason for the abuse. They may act out, struggle to control their anger and rage which is a direct result of the abuse they are or have suffered. They can take on the negative image of themselves that has been instilled by their abuser, that they are bad and need to be punished. Also, if like me you grew up in the shadow of the catholic church you may have convinced yourself that because God himself didn’t save you that you deserve what you got.

Moving Forward

As an adult it doesn’t become any easier to speak out. Years of pain, buried memories, anger, and mistrust can make the process of speaking out extremely fearful and painful.  I feel it is also important to mention that to tell someone about your abuse does not, and should not, require you to speak publicly about your abuser. Telling someone about your abuse is about You and how best to heal from the abuse you suffered.  Breaking the silence may help you gain an understanding of how your life has been impacted and influenced by the abuse you suffered leaving you free to learn a new way forward that is guilt, shame and pain free.

Paula- 28th January 2018

Practice what you Preach

One does not have to look too hard to see that while the catholic church where preaching the virtues of chastity, abstinence and celibacy, they themselves, where in large numbers following a different set of rules. Not only have we seen several priests in relationships with members of their congregation, ignoring their own promise of celibacy, but more alarming is the large percentage of priests engaging in the rape and sexual abuse of countless numbers of innocent children.

When I was young the catholic church had a lot of power over our daily lives.  Irish people trusted the church completely and considered them above reproach.  We respected priests and believed they acted as god’s representatives here on earth. For most Irish families it was considered an honour to have a priest in the family. Whatever the priest advised us to do, was done without question. They owned our hospitals and schools, giving them control over our medical care and our education.  This provided the church with the power to rule over every aspect of the general populations lives.

Sex is a Sin

The church intruded self-righteously into every aspect of Irish citizens development with special attention to their sex lives.  They preached that sex was only for procreation, even if married, it was not intended to be enjoyed.  They taught that masturbation was sinful and that your body was something to be ashamed of.

The scars from this form of thinking are still being felt today.  They managed to destroy so many lives through their teachings around sexuality. They made us believe that God apparently didn’t mind us having sex, but we certainly shouldn’t want or enjoy it.

We believed and trusted them. They set us up.  We couldn’t win.  We were destined to live a guilt-ridden existence for feeling something we are hardwired to feel.  It is a perfectly normal human reaction to feel sexual desire.  Even animals have that.  It ensures that life goes on and we don’t become extinct.

Exposed

In recent years, so many sexual abuse crimes committed by members of the church have come to light. It seems that every week there is yet another priest or bishop in the media accused of either committing or covering up sexual abuse against a child. It is incredible to me that it is taking us so long as a nation to break free of the churches misleading guidance and utter brainwashing around our sexuality but most importantly our children’s sexuality.

Conditioning

There are many well-meaning parents out there who are still under the church’s influence, conditioned to believe that early sex education for our children is not a good thing.  The belief is held that teaching children about their bodies and sex will destroy their innocence. That the child’s happiness will somehow be compromised.  Can they not see that the people who initiated this opinion had their own agenda and did not love our children as we do?

I was groomed from birth leading up to full penetrative sexual intercourse at age four. I am not unusual in terms of the age the grooming process can begin. For me there was huge confusion surrounding my abuse because I did not know what sex was and I was never told that no one should touch my private parts. Sex was not something that was ever openly discussed either at home or in school. I had no opportunity to understand what was happening to me.  Because I didn’t know what sex was, I hadn’t the language or understanding to describe even to myself what was happening. This is what we need to consider when we talk about teaching sex education in schools.  Everyone thinks it will never happen to their children, because they would know, they would spot an abuser and stop them getting near their child.  Everyone thinks that, but that’s not the way it works.

Things could have been different

If I had been told in school, through the media or at home that sexual abuse happens, and that if anyone touches your privates or makes you do anything you don’t want to do, it is wrong and that I could tell someone who would help it stop.  If I had been told that if this happens to you, you did nothing wrong and it is not ok, no matter who it is abusing you, my life could have been so different. There is nothing wrong with age appropriate sex education.  It doesn’t damage the child, it protects them.  Ignorance does not equal innocence.

Change is Needed

We have a job ahead of us to attempt to undo the damage to our own sexuality and body shaming which was imposed on us by the catholic church’s teachings so the sooner we get started the better. We need to do this for several reasons, (1) you cannot give what you do not have, and we won’t be able to help the next generation develop a healthy approach to their sexuality if we don’t heal our own wounds first. (2) We need to act now because the church has lost control and the younger generation need some guidance in this area of their lives.  We need to replace the lessons we learned with promoting a positive body image and healthy self-esteem.  We also need to teach a guiltfree approach to accepting themselves for being sexual beings.  Can you imagine?

As the numbers of young suicides continue to grow, it is important that we do not leave our young turning to the internet for answers.  They will be no better off than we were if their education takes place alone in front of a screen. With such easy access to porn we can be sure using this option can only lead to further confusion, self-hatred and pain.  We need to build up our children.  Provide them with the tools they need to navigate this new world we find ourselves in.  Times are changing, and we need to educate ourselves before we do any more damage to our children.

We need to encourage emotional wellbeing in our sons and daughters.  Teach them how to communicate, talk about their feelings.  These life skills will help them work through their issues. Introduce meditation and yoga in the early stages of school, promoting good mental health and a healthy body image.  We need to recognise the gaps that are occurring in our children’s lives and address them.

We will all pay the price of not taking the appropriate actions.  We already are.

June Kavanagh -14th June 2018

It might seem strange to anyone who has not suffered abuse to even ask the question, can you heal from abuse. This is because we live in a society where conditions or ailments can be treated or cured by taking a course of medication.  For those of us who have experienced sexual abuse or childhood trauma, it can often feel like it can never be overcome.

Even when you think that you are doing ‘okay’ and getting on with things, a major event can throw you to such an extent that you feel like your life is falling apart.  That is what happened to me when my mother died. My reaction to her death made me look for answers to the questions I have always held about areas of my life that I felt were unfix-able.

Looking for Answers

I wanted to know why even after all the work I had done on myself and all the knowledge I had around the various impacts of child sexual abuse, I still felt there was something missing that stopped me feeling human. I had always struggled with making lasting connections with people, always found it strange that I was still incapable of feeling empathy and compassion for people on the news in horrendous situations. I could not cry or really feel for others at emotional events like funerals, unless I was completely pissed.

Attachment Disorder and Childhood Sexual Abuse

It was only through a chance conversation with my partner in which she suggested that I should look into attachment disorders that I eventually uncovered the missing answers to my questions.

I had only ever heard of attachment disorders in relation to children and separation from a mother, so I had never made a connection to the possibility of this being related to me as a victim of abuse. This search sent me down the road to uncover information about how the levels of trauma experienced as a child can impact brain development and prevent connections between different parts of the brain happening.  This new information helped me to understand the many conditions and disorders that can develop as a direct result of childhood sexual abuse and even showed me how childhood trauma can and does, alter our very DNA.

Childhood Sexual Abuse Changes the Body and Brain

I found information about the changes that occur in brain chemistry and development as a result of overexposure to trauma in early childhood. How these changes were then linked to long-lasting physical, emotional and mental effects to victims of childhood sexual abuse.  I made so many connections to my own life and how I had long suffered from many physical ailments and in particular pain. I had accepted this as just part of me. This information allowed me to seek out other forms of treatments to help overcome these physical problems.

I discovered that due to the result of these changes in brain chemistry in the brains of  victims of childhood sexual abuse our thinking, feelings and behaviours can be forever altered.

This information was so important to me. I always knew I was different than other children growing up.  Even then, I saw things differently than my peers. I never related to how they felt or even what they were interested in. I always felt different and weird. Armed with this new information I could see and make a connection to how this lack of development in certain parts of my brain impacted how I was in the world and let myself off the hook for something I had no control over.

Overexposure to trauma in childhood is found to impact the development of  the particular part of the brain that controls the intensity of our emotions and helps moderate feelings of fear which are necessary for impulse control.  It helps us to not overreact to certain situations with anger driven by fear  and be able to be rational and think things through which is  a critical area for learning.

Living With The Effects of Childhood Sexual Abuse

This under-development for me showed up as excessive reactions to even the most mundane task. We each wrote about this in ‘Click, Click’   how in school, the levels of anxiety were overwhelming for us. For me it resulting in me soiling myself if any attention was directed at me. Because I was unable to concentrate, learning for me was a nightmare and resulted in me growing up with the belief that I was stupid and incapable of doing anything.

It is also documented that overexposure to trauma can affect your ability to regulate   emotions and moods, to form attachments, and how you respond to drugs.

For me, this lack of development manifested in all sorts of conditions/disorders, anything from social anxiety to attachment disorders, to suffering from depression and an over dependency on alcohol just so I could engage with others.

Knowledge is Power

So what difference does having this information make to a survivor of childhood sexual abuse? I can honestly say that this information has changed my life. Understanding how my brains development has been impacted allowed me to see the damage that was caused by my abuse. It provides me with answers as to why I think, feel, believe or behave in a particular way.  It stops me judging myself so harshly and from hating myself for something that I had no control over.

When we were writing ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse’ we wanted to put all the information that helped us in one place. We all feel that if we had access to this information it would have made such a difference to our healing and the length of time it has taken. Our intention is always to help others by sharing our own experiences, what worked for us and how it impacted our lives.

If you accept that your very DNA has been altered due to your experience of abuse you can also accept that knowledge and understanding of just how that occurred will absolutely allow you to find a new way of being in the world. Taking the challenge to journey into your past is not easy, but in my opinion, it is the only way to rid yourself of the damage caused by your abuse.

If you want a really easy talk on how your DNA is impacted by childhood trauma check out Pediatrician Dr. Nadine Burke Harris who talks about how ‘trauma affects health across a lifetime’ at a TEDMED – 2014

Or read the study carried out by Dr. Vince Felitti at Kaiser and Dr. Bob Anda called the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study

Paula – 29th December 2017

However, recently I read an article about the appalling and endemic sexual abuse of young boys at one of Dublin’s private colleges Terenure College run by the Carmelite order of priests that occurred in the 1960’s and 1970’s. The article spoke about how the young boys turned out by this college, would most likely go on to become captains of industry, top rugby players, political leaders and decision makers for our country.

THE TRUE COST

Some might see the fact that victims of abuse can manage to excel at whatever field they choose and do not let their abuse hold them back,  as a positive.  However,  I believe that we must acknowledge the damage that abuse does to its victims and be willing to explore what happens if victims do not look at, or deal with, their abuse.

The true cost of not understanding exactly how abuse and its impacts are forever ingrained into the personality of an individual is vitally important. We need to be aware that if unaddressed, these impacts will negatively influence the decisions, attitudes and behaviours of victims in whatever role they may find themselves in.

If a victim of abuse fears or chooses not to explore their past, they may do whatever it takes to push or ignore their feelings of anger, self-hatred, rejection, and hurt deep down inside, living in a state of permanent denial. These feelings most likely originated from their experience of powerlessness while being abused.

EXTERNAL APPROVAL

With no real sense of self, a victim who has used his/her career to mask or avoid feeling vulnerable, may go on to gauge their success or failures by the reaction of those around them. They may become overachievers, obsessive in their need to win or climb to the top. They often place excessively harsh demands on themselves, constantly setting unreachable targets ensuring they will always be disappointed. They will continually strive for perfection that does not exist regardless of what area of their life they try to achieve it in.

Overachieving in education or a career path can often lead to what is outwardly perceived as success. Victims may misread their unhealthy obsession with power as drive and ambition.

NARCISSISTIC PERSONALITY

If these victims, then rise to positions of power and control they are likely to develop a narcissistic personality. If they do not acknowledge or deal with their past they can develop an inflated sense of entitlement based on the belief that they, and only they can do anything right. It is also not uncommon for them to be arrogant, domineering and exploitative. This behaviour conflicts with their excessive need for admiration and makes it difficult to maintain relationships in their private or professional lives. However, the biggest problem with a narcissist is their inability to have empathy. So, when it comes to making decisions based on what is good for the people, they will undoubtedly make the wrong choices.

For the most part they are too busy playing the game with their peers and looking for approval from their inner circle. For this reason, they will never be able to understand the plight of the new employee, the unemployed, sick, elderly or minority groups, unless they feel they are belonging to one of those groups. It is the groups of people they are currently influenced by that will determine their decisions. They won’t be unduly concerned with the masses but rather with the chosen few that they admire and feel they understand.

They are most likely to pay lip service rather than taking action or making real changes to improve the lives of the people they may represent in whatever position they hold.

Due to the blocking of their own feelings they cannot connect with others pain and suffering. Their focus will be on how to climb higher and how to make connections to improve their lot.

Because of their perceived success, they may question other people’s motivation and even resent others feeling that in their eyes, others have not done enough to better themselves. They may feel that others are lazy or stupid and have no desire to be any better, this leads to resenting that ‘these people’ benefit from their hard work.

DANGERS FOR US ALL

Having a narcissist in a position that influences our lives is dangerous for us all. They are incapable of including emotion in their decisions but instead use logic. These facts or logical conclusions are also skewed, because they use their own filter which is influenced by their own negative life experience. The energy they put into avoiding being triggered emotionally, can ensure they will avoid making decisions that serve anyone other than themselves.

WHO IS PULLING OUR STRINGS?

When I look at this country and how it is currently being run, alongside examining the disastrous decisions that impact the most vulnerable within our society, like the almost 10,000 homeless, the 400 people left waiting on hospital trolleys (26% increase from last year), coupled with the constant under-funding of support services for abuse victims, I can only conclude that we have a number of individuals with a narcissistic personality disorder in positions of power. No one who has the ability to feel empathy for another individual could stand by and not do something about this country’s current situation.

And not to repeat myself, but the biggest problem with a narcissist is their inability to have empathy. We must ask ourselves when terrible decisions are being made that impact all our lives, who has the most to gain from making those decision. What could possibly be behind those decisions if not self-serving greed and ambition. What if anything can we as individuals do to change it?

Paula

The other night I watched a documentary on Netflix called ‘Hello Privilege, It’s Me, Chelsea’ in which Chelsea Handler an American comedian explored what it means to be born with white privilege in America.

While watching the programme I couldn’t help making comparisons with what I see as ‘Male Privilege.’ During the programme it became clear that Chelsea was fighting a losing battle when trying to ask white Americans about how they believed they may have benefited from being white. Time and time again she got met with denial, ignorance and an unwillingness to even entertain there is such a thing as white privilege.

Chelsea also spoke to Tim Wise, an Activist and writer who made the point, that those that benefit the most from privilege don’t have to think about it, because they aren’t the ones with the problems. He also made the point that the flip side of privilege is oppression.

This is exactly what is wrong when trying to address the issues and problems borne from male privilege.  Women are fighting for equality day in day out, but men consistently fail to listen, or see that it is their very privilege that blocks them from understanding just how dangerous this male privilege is and how it has and continues to impact all our lives.

Male privilege is never more apparent than when looking at the sex industry. Earlier tonight, I read a most disturbing piece online by John Whitehead, a Constitutional attorney  – ‘The Essence of Evil: Sex with Children Has Become Big Business in America.’ It is a hard read, but in my opinion a necessary one.  It’s a disturbing account of the extremely lucrative sex trafficking of kids.

In the piece it details the horrendous, disgusting and stomach-churning treatment of trafficked children and how the youngest kids are trained to have oral sex with men. “They’d get you hungry then to train you to have oral sex. “They put honey on a man. For the littlest kids, you had to learn not to gag. And they would push things in you so you would open up better.” Reading this alone was enough to make me feel enraged at the men who pay to rape these children. Without customers there would be no traffickers and please do not make the mistake in thinking this is an American problem it is a global one with Ireland being right in the mix.

If a man, any man, hands over money to be given access to a child that he then feels entitled to go ahead and rape that child, make no mistake, this is not a business transaction, it is the RAPE of a CHILD.  Why are we not screaming from the rooftops for this to stop, for all those responsible, from the pimps to the entitled men who use children as things they can do whatever they wish to, be held accountable for their disgusting and depraved actions.

Why do we as a society, not view these men who use pimps to gain access to children and young women in the same light as we do paedophiles or rapists.  

Is it because the men who use these pimps and call these numbers are not easily identified?  Or is it that we do not want to accept that they have nothing that makes them stand out from any other man. They could be your father, brother, uncle, friend, son, colleague or neighbour.

Now here’s the thing,  if I was describing a paedophile that description above would be exactly the same, and yet, as a society these men are not condemned, they do not when caught, get put on the sex register, they are not seen by other men in and out of prison in the same light. Their actions are not seen as the actions of a depraved person.

Just what mentality do you have to possess to allows you to pay to rape a child or young woman.  Why don’t they see what they are doing as disgusting and how in some cases do they even brag about using ‘the service’ and share contact details.  This is not any different than someone who rapes their own sister, mother, child or a child of your friend, partner or neighbour.  Having sex paid for or not with anyone who clearly is not in a position to give consent is RAPE.

However, women all getting on board is not ever going to make this stop. Men need to urgently understand and realise that as members of society they have a duty and a responsibility to make the world a safe place for everyone. No one is more important or should have more rights than another. It is this male privilege that allows the   belief or mindset to see someone as less than and that allows those men to act with impunity when it comes to this crime.

Any man that feels its ok to pay for sex, to pay to watch children being raped on the internet, to engage in any form of sexual activity with anyone regardless of their age or gender for money, needs to see the reality of what is happening. Its time we stop allowing our children to be raped by men that feel because they pay, they are somehow not responsible to  that individual.

We need to start holding men to account, its time that men see that visiting sex parlors that are filled with trafficked women and children is not funny and something you have a laugh with the lads about.  Although men might use the excuse to themselves that sex is just a physical act, I can assure you that is not what that child in front of them is feeling. Its time we call a spade a spade. If you engage in paid sex with a child, you are a RAPIST.

Paula Kavanagh

On the 25th April 2018, Judge Sean O’Donnabhain at Cork Circuit Criminal Court stated when referring to the Priest, John Calanan (aged 79) who had plead guilty to sexually abusing three girls, that his breach of trust had been ‘phenomenal’. He went on to say ‘it was clear that Calanan was a serial offender.  However, his decision when passing a sentence was that there was no point in sending Calanan to prison.  He stated that his sentence was based on Calanan’s age, health and the fact that he was attending Gracewell Clinic (a treatment centre for sexual abusers).

Calanan a repeat offender had previously been sentenced to eight years (three suspended) in July 2012 for attempted rape and indecent assault. In April 2015 Calanan received a three-year sentence (one year suspended) for indecently assaulting a girl. In March of 2018 Calanan again received a two-year sentence for indecently assaulting girl.

If Judge O’Donnabhain had any real understanding of sexual crimes and the people who commit them he would know that paedophiles do not retire.  This continued unfair sentencing serves no one. If the perpetrator avoids paying the price of destroying not only the life of the child but their family, friends, relatives and our communities, how can this be justice.

To the victims of these crimes, it is apparent that all consideration is directed solely toward the perpetrator and in cases of a sexual nature, this does not result in a just or fair outcome.  Victims should always come first.  The system is simply not equipped to handle sexual crimes and it is time for a complete overhaul. The public perception is that Judges appear to hand out random sentences with no apparent rhyme or reason to them.  Transparency and accountability is called for.  It is unhealthy for any individual to hold the amount of power judges appear to have.

Who can victims turn to when it appears that Judges believe that they know and understand all crimes that come before the courts. To victims, the daily media reports around sentencing of sexual crimes would indicate that is not the case. Judges seem to apply the same rational in sentencing across all crimes. This does not work in crimes of a sexual nature and the continuing issues around judges and all those within the legal profession not receiving mandatory specialised training in this field is no longer acceptable.

Our judicial system appears to allow men to rape with impunity and knowingly or not the system has now become part of the problem. It appears to be yet another insurmountable hurdle for victims of these crimes to overcome.

The Irish times reported on a case on May 3rd, 2018, where we believe a complete miscarriage of justice occurred. Justice Patrick McCarthy at the Dublin Central Criminal Court acquitted a man of 21 counts of anally raping his wheelchair-bound stepdaughter. The victim had been abused between 2003 and 2013 when she was aged between eight and 18.

The jury deliberated for only six hours before returning a verdict of not guilty of all 69 counts. The complete lack of understanding around victim psychology and behaviour led to doubt around the perpetrators guilt.  The victim’s inconsistencies in recalling details of her abuse was referred to as an issue.  If the jury had the benefit of hearing from an expert in the field of abuse who could explain the impacts of trauma on victim’s behaviour and recalling memories, they would at least have been armed with an understanding of why there appeared to be inconsistencies in her account.

The stepfather’s barrister also questioned why the young girl did not disclose to the social workers that visited her home on several occasions over a period of five years. Again, the complete lack of understanding by the jury around how victims of abuse carry the responsibility, shame and guilt for what was done to them and how disclosure of this crime often feels more like a confession that a reporting of a crime they would again at least been in possession of accurate information before deciding on this life changing verdict.

Again, this man was released because of poor education about how trauma impacts the lives of victims.

We do not recommend mandatory sentencing for all sex offenders as we believe that all crimes of a sexual nature require an individual approach.  However, consistency in sentencing is important. The sentence should be linked to mandatory treatment for the offender with all privileges including any time off their sentence for ‘good behaviour’ tied in with their level of participation in treatment programmes.

For sentencing to be consistent the judges need to be mandated to adhere to agreed upon guidelines. We feel there is a real need to consider the following:

• Non-custodial Sentences: It is unacceptable that judges even consider the complete suspension of a sentence of someone who has committed a crime that will leave its victim with a personal life sentence.
• Concurrent Sentences: This is not a deterrent. A concurrent sentence sends the message that the perpetrator is only paying for one incident or one crime.
• Poor/Lenient Sentences: For victims of childhood sexual abuse the crime is tantamount to murder. The grooming process which can take weeks months or even years represents premeditation of a crime. Not to sound too dramatic, but the years that the child experiences sexual abuse on a regular basis is no different psychologically to being held captive and tortured. The experience of rape itself causes lifelong problems with sexuality creating untold damage to marriages or any intimate relations for the life of the victim. How can a judge when sentencing someone who has inflicted all this damage on their victims automatically give them a reduction for so called good behaviour or because they plead guilty?
• Age of Offender: We hear time and time again that the judge thinks that the plaintive is too old and unlikely to reoffend. This clearly demonstrates the complete lake of understanding of these crimes. It sends a clear message to offenders that if their victims don’t speak up before they reach a certain age they will escape having to pay for their crimes. It is widely accepted and understood that the crime of childhood sexual abuse can take its victims many years to speak out and a lifetime to heal from.  This decision once again lays blame on the shoulders of the victim for not speaking out sooner
• Position Held by Offender: the perpetrators good standing in the community is of no bearing when it comes to this crime. If those within the legal profession understood the most common profile of perpetrators they would understand that they are likely to be middle class males, hold positions of trust within their communities and family orientated. So, taking an offenders position or standing within their community makes no sense whatsoever.

We have a history of poor investment in Ireland in not only how we treat victims of sexual crimes, but inappropriate funding of vital specialised services for those victims and their families. This along with failing to track and build detailed statistics that would feed into future service planning and investments makes it easier for the government to bury their heads and continue to underfund the current service providers.

The complete lack of strategic thinking and understanding around the magnitude of these crimes will only continue to ensure that we all pay for this crime as it impacts and shapes all our communities.

This crime is not going away and it’s time to wake up and do the right thing.

23rd May 2018 – June

In today’s podcast (episode 19) ‘Will I Always Be Afraid!’  we will be discussing fear; how it has and continues to impact our lives as a result of our experience of childhood sexual abuse.

For each of us fear has played a significant role throughout our childhoods and continues to act as a barrier even today. It has been driven by a core belief gifted to each of us by our father that we were useless and would never amount to anything without him. This belief we held unconsciously for the better part of our lives and only through awareness and challenging our thoughts, were we finally able to shed some of that pain.

At different times and to different degrees fear has had a crippling effect on us, often preventing us from making the most of opportunities to grow and be happy. However, today what we can say is that even though fear remains in our lives we no longer allow it to stop us making decisions or moving forward.  

We hope by sharing our experience of fear, we can help others know that there is hope. You can overcome your fears if you start by simply becoming aware, you do not have to remain stuck, consumed by fearful thoughts.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

Our willingness to stand together is where the strength lies and once again, we need to do this.  We are not like the generations before us who felt the government knew best or worse still believed they had no choice; we realise by speaking up as an issue is identified means we do not have to pay the consequences later and although in this case we might be too late as they have already created a myriad of damage, however, it does not have to be allowed to continue causing the usual generational damage.

The latest guidelines introduced by TUSLA we feel is the last straw, they are now stating that if a victim accuses someone of abuse the alleged perpetrator has the right to question the accuser.  The guidelines have been set and they are already training social workers to carry this task out. 

Why is it down to us to do this, we may ask, but as we know it is only through us standing together the government are forced into action.  Even now there is seldom a day goes by when we don’t read something about TUSLA’s incompetence, yet they are allowed to carry on.  TUSLA’s remit is in child protection and welfare services, educational and welfare services, psychological services, alternative care, family and locally based community services, early years services and domestic, sexual and gender based violent services.

ABC- (Alliance of Birth Mothers Campaign)

https://youtu.be/aSotLxrh2Bw

Mr Pat Rabbitte – Chairperson Tusla

https://www.tusla.ie/get-in-touch/feedback-and-complaints1/

https://www.irishtimes.com/news/crime-and-law/alleged-child-abusers-to-be-allowed-interview-complainants-1.4160746

 https://my.uplift.ie/petitions/calling-on-tusla-to-cease-implementation-of-child-abuse-substantiation-procedures?bucket&share=bd873788-c138-44a1-ac37-94714683d8d3&source=facebook-share-email-button&time=1580896288&utm_campaign&utm_source=facebook&fbclid=IwAR1z26gjZMt9j0ZFPN3EdD4Srbl815KUWV8ckSnlO8YQSwM47r4HF5YQvII

In today’s podcast (episode 18) ‘Finding Our Own Way!’  we will be discussing the role the church played in encouraging and maintaining an environment where child sexual abuse was allowed to continue with impunity.

The church's approach to sex and sexuality not only caused immense pain and suffering, but as victims of child sexual abuse, it compounded the shame and self-hatred we already felt.

The shame also encouraged secrecy and silence, and their teachings ensured men and women were treated differently, promoting gender inequality. This managed to create an environment where men became dominant and women submissive.

They preached that natural human desires were sinful. Even married couples were told that they should not engage in sexual intimacy unless it was to procreate. This unnatural state of abstinence only heightened the attraction to sex while ensuring it remained viewed as dirty, disgusting and sinful.

How could anyone feel good about themselves while upholding those beliefs. The destruction to our psyche while constantly having to return to the church seeking forgiveness and praying for the strength to be a good worthy person.

We hope by sharing our experiences we can encourage healthy questioning regardless of your faith, if the message is true it can and should encourage scrutiny.  We feel without challenging our own beliefs we would continue to surfer feeling unworthy without ever really understanding why.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888

 In today’s podcast (episode 17) ‘The Power of Letting Go!’  we will be discussing forgiveness, who benefits from forgiveness and why should sexually abuse survivors even consider forgiving their abuser.

We understand the pictures conjured up by the very word forgiveness and the immediate resistance that jumps to the surface. But for us, when we replaced the word ‘forgiveness’ with ‘letting go’ it made it a lot easier to explore the possibilities of taking that step.

We are not suggesting that if you choose to go down the path of forgiveness that your abuser or any abuser is forgiven for their actions, or that they do not suffer the consequences of those actions. Being held accountable is a vital part of moving forward. Rather we want you to think of exactly who is suffering by you holding onto the pain and suffering that your abuser caused.

We all struggled with the concept of forgiveness for a long time and for each of us this step meant different things at different times in our lives.  We understand that letting go of your past although essential, is not easy and is more of a process that happens in layers. However, we know that allowing our dad to continue to take up space in our heads wasn’t hurting him but was in fact, destroying us.

The word forgiveness itself was a barrier to us moving forward as it conjured up images of sitting with him and playing happy families and to us that was inconceivable. But forgiving someone does not require that you ever have to have them in your life.  Over time and through many discussions we realised just how much of our own precious time was taken up with thoughts of him.

We each discovered our own way of letting him go. Letting go of all pain and suffering that he caused was a vital part of our recovery. This is not something that happens easily or quickly, but in the letting go we allowed space for healing.

We hope by sharing our experiences we can demonstrate that not only is forgiveness possible but necessary for your healing. The one who benefits the most from letting go is YOU, not him. You deserve to move forward unencumbered by the past. Forgiveness or letting go will provide you with the opportunity to live a life you were meant to live, free from pain.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888

In today’s podcast (episode 16) ‘Inequality Impacts Us All’ we will be discussing gender inequality and in particular how male privilege can have such negative outcomes for us all.

Gender inequality and male privilege has caused so much pain for both men and women. What can be more surprising however, is the fact that it is so ingrained within our society that it very often goes undetected, especially by those that are in a position of privilege.

As survivors of childhood sexual abuse male privilege has impacted every aspect of our lives and thinking. It took a long time for us to understand that men are just as impacted by inequality as women. Stereotyping people by gender has created false, unattainable images that we are now expected to live up to.  Things such as, men don’t cry, and women are natural caregivers. Holding onto these beliefs causes so much pain especially to those individuals that don’t fit into these categories.

We believe that it is important for us all to realise the enormous benefits for each of us in living in a world where we are all equal and each of our contributions are valued regardless of our gender. We may have to get creative and find ways to help each other realise that we will all gain, not lose something when equality comes with this realisation, we can begin to make the necessary changes. 

If any person feels that they are somehow more entitled than others purely based on their gender this creates a toxic environment that impacts us all. The most important thing we can do is become aware and this can happen through conversations around your thinking and acting in your own world, following this we can look outside ourselves and examine the perceptions we hold.

We hope by sharing our experiences we can encourage discussions about what does it mean to be a man or woman and how do we treat each other based on our thoughts

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

 In today’s podcast (episode 15) ‘Why is it so difficult to put ourselves first?’  we will be discussing self-care, its importance and why survivors of childhood sexual abuse find it difficult to recognise they are neglecting their own needs.  

Looking after others was ingrained in us from birth. We grew up in a culture where women were taught to ignore their own needs while taking care of men, home and children.

 We really struggled with not only recognising our needs, but believing we had the right have them or give them priority. We believe women in general suffer, prioritising themselves, but this too is exaggerated in victims of childhood sexual abuse because of the damage to their self-worth.

The first step to making any changes in your life is awareness. Once you are aware of the problem and how damaging it is to your life, you can begin making the necessary changes. It is not selfish to put yourself first. In fact it makes sense to,  because only then are you better able to help others. We hope by sharing our experiences we can help others look at how well/badly they take care of themselves or if changes are needed to improve that aspect of their life. Self-care should be a priority as it is vitally important for good physical and mental health.   

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

In today’s podcast (episode 14) ‘Learning from Others’ we will be discussing reading and writing as a tool to help you heal from childhood sexual abuse.  

Reading and writing for us, was an essential part of our healing journey.  We found that reading stories about others who had experienced abuse and managed to somehow overcome its many impacts, was reassuring and gave us hope that there was a way forward.

No one knows your story but you, however, unfortunately there are millions of other victims of abuse that have experienced similar pain and suffering. It is together that we are best able to support one another by sharing our stories and hopefully this helps you to know that you are not alone.

We found that both reading and writing provided us with a way to access memories and unexplained thoughts and behaviours that kept us locked in a cycle of self-hatred and mental anguish.  Reading gave us a level of comfort of knowing we were not mad or crazy and that our actions were a perfectly normal response to our abuse. Writing allowed us to examine the details of our past, where our thoughts came from and why we behaved the way we did in particular situations. It showed us just how innocent we were and gave us invaluable information on how we could change and let go of the rage and pain that we had held for so long.

One of our favourite quotes from the inspirational Maya Angelou is ‘When you get – give, when you learn-teach. These words mean so much to us and we hope that by sharing our experiences and what we found useful we can help others to see there is life after abuse after all.  

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

In today’s podcast we will be discussing finding support and professional help. We know just how difficult it is to go it alone without support, and the fear involved in reaching out for help. It can feel like confessing to a crime as you are unsure and confused about your victim-hood. The fear may result in you thinking that you have survived this long without any help so why should anything be different now, but honestly, this is a long road and at times full of pain and suffering, and having someone to lean on even if it’s just ringing a helpline can make all the difference to your recovery.

Although we had the same abuser (our father), we each experienced our abuser, our abuse, and the manner in which we overcame the horrendous impacts, differently. We really hope that by sharing our experience you will be encouraged to see the benefits of seeking professional help. And even more importantly, that you understand yourself and how you heal.  Who you share your journey with is entirely up to you. Choice is a luxury that was taken from all victims of sexual abuse and reclaiming yours is key to taking back your life.

Attending a professional will allow you a safe place to explore your memories and a good professional will help you get through the tough times. The process of healing should always feel like something that is done with you not to you.

On our website (link below) is numerous contact details for services that we feel are best suited to help you heal from sexual abuse.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

https://thekavanaghsisters.com/useful-links/

In today’s podcast we will be discussing the importance of taking that first step on the road to healing from childhood sexual abuse, disclosure.  We are all too aware of how difficult telling someone about your experience of sexual abuse is and understand that very often it can feel more like a confession than the reporting of a crime. However, the truth is, telling your story will allow you to say out loud, probably for the first time, exactly who is responsible and it will provide you with the opportunity to see how you were a victim and in no way responsible for anything that happened to you.

We all disclosed at different times and to different people when we were young, a doctor, a priest and a friend all to no avail. It took us many years after that to take the chance to speak up again, and to be honest, if our hand had not been forced, we don’t know if we would still be holding onto the secret today.

We can all say that the holding onto the secret of our abuse left us all merely existing trying to get by with no real sense of joy or happiness. We also know that disclosing our story happened over a long time and in stages as remembering the full extent of our abuse in one go is not the way it tends to happen.

We hope that sharing our experience will help everyone understand the importance of encouraging and supporting disclosure and ensure the relevant supports are put in place when they do.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula 

In today’s podcast we will be discussing secondary victims of childhood sexual abuse.  Secondary victims of childhood sexual abuse are everywhere and go largely unacknowledged and unsupported. It is not only members of the victim’s immediate family but partners, children, friends and colleagues. Each one is uniquely impacted even if they are not aware. Family, partners and children of victims carry the guilt, shame and sense of responsibility that is not theirs to begin with. We know only too well how our own children and partners have suffered from the impacts of this crime and how our journey to discover who we really are has often left those closest to us feeling isolated and confused. We believe our communities and culture is shaped by the scale of the contributing negative impacts. We believe, however, that how we develop as a society would improve if we stopped turning a blind eye to the needs of primary and secondary victims of childhood sexual abuse. We hope that sharing our experience will help you understand the importance of acknowledging the need to support everyone involved and how with the right support and communication your relationship can grow stronger than ever. 

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

In today’s podcast we will be discussing Mothers, and in particular, the differences in our individual relationships with our mother. We are aware that our experience may not reflect other victims of abuse, but we hope that by sharing our story, we can encourage open discussions around mothers, their roles and societies totally unrealistic expectations of women in general.

Our relationship with our father who controlled our home and everyone in it, was in some ways clearer to explore than our relationship with our mother.

As with all things to do with childhood sexual abuse, nothing is black and white and the complexities of growing up with a non-abusing parent can be just as difficult to understand and equally painful to explore.

We talk about just how the need to survive and the methods we each used often made it next to impossible to make any real connections to our mother who herself was shut down and locked into her own hell.

We hope that sharing our experience will help you understand the importance of examining your family relationships as there are benefits to understanding how each member of a family is impacted by the abuser.  

 It is important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you have a right to feel anger and resentment for not receiving the nurturing you needed and longed for as a child. Give yourself time to grieve for that loss and acknowledge just how resilient you are to have survived, in spite of all the obstacles you faced.

 Please share and spread the word……

 Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

*This podcast contains strong language

In this week’s podcast we will be discussing anger and how we each experienced and lived with our own anger.

Anger is often seen as a negative emotion, but it can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express your negative feelings.  Unfortunately for most victims of childhood sexual abuse we tend to either suppress our anger or express it inappropriately.

We grew up in a home that anger was expressed very destructively. Our fathers could explode at any time and over the smallest of things. His temper was so unpredictable, he was verbally abusive and physically threatening. We constantly felt like we were walking on eggshells in the house. We never knew what he would flare up over or where his anger would be directed and so we all seen anger as negative and unhealthy.

We also seen the exact opposite in our mother who totally suppressed all her emotions, and so we never seen a healthy expression of emotions in our home.

We have found that suppressing anger and rage was just as damaging because in order to suppress anger we had to suppress other emotions, it wasn’t possible to pick and choose which emotions we would allow ourselves to feel.

However, over time and after a lot of reflection and discussions we have learned what healthy anger looks and feels like, we no longer fear anger. We understand the role anger played in shielding us from hurt or pain and can now recognise what triggers our anger and a healthy way of expressing how we feel when something happens to upset us.

We hope that sharing our experience will help you understand the importance of examining your thoughts around anger. It is important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge your anger, either expressed or suppressed, has helped you to survive.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888

In today’s podcast we will discuss another of the hidden psychological impacts of childhood sexual abuse, trust.  Although trust may be a small word, the lack of trust in our life has had devastating effect on who and how we were in the world.

We can honestly say we didn’t really understand what trust even looked like. We all had different understanding of what it meant to trust. Because we were abused from childhood and although we knew we weren’t safe at home, in order to survive in that environment, we trusted our father, as mad as that may sound.

Our father was the biggest influence in our lives, he controlled everything in and out of the house. We were dependent on him for everything and mistook this dependency for trust. As bad as he was, he was all we had, and he knew it.

As we grew, our inability to trust people made us suspicious of everyone’s motives and yet, naively, time and time again we willingly let others take control believing they knew better. The constant negative messages our father had fed us went in much deeper that we realised, and it has taken us many years to let them go.

Trust is all about looking inside, trusting in yourself first and letting go of the lies you have been told. It has taken us time, but our understanding of trust and our willingness to challenge our beliefs, has led us to make real connections.  

We hope that sharing our experience will help you understand the importance of examining your thoughts about trust and any issues you may be having. It is important to be kind to yourself and acknowledge you are a survivor and its your strength and courage that has you here today.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

'Trigger Warning' if you or someone you know has been affected by sexual abuse please remember the Dublin Rape Crisis Centre 24-Hour Helpline 1800 77 8888

In today’s podcast we will discuss Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD) and how it impacted our lives, which in turn we hope will help you identify what that might look like and understand the many ways the trauma of child sexual abuse may be having a negative impact on your life. 

Most of us have heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) in connection with the military or those who have suffered or witnessed a tragic event. PTSD occurs in response to an event like, a war, a natural disaster or a car accident. However, more and more victims of childhood sexual abuse are now being diagnosed with CPTSD.

CPTSD occurs as a response to severe and repetitive trauma that happens over a long period of time. It is a condition that can be difficult for victims to recognise because there are a number of effects that develop, like having difficulty controlling emotions, negative self-perception, feelings of helplessness, guilt and shame, hyper-vigilance, difficulty with personal relationships, poor sleep patterns, nightmares and or flashbacks.

Everyone has a unique response to trauma, although there are a lot of similarities to how we respond, we found as we looked closer at our responses just how completely, we were programmed through prolonged exposure to the trauma of our childhood sexual abuse.

Feelings of isolation and loneliness plus the stress of keeping ‘the secret’ put enormous strain on our minds and deeply impacted our ability to reach normal developmental milestones. The trauma we endured made it difficult to experience happiness and joy in our life.

We hope that sharing our experience of living with CPTSD will help others understand why this is a particularly difficult disorder to live with. The saying ‘knowledge is power’ in this case is appropriate. In our opinion, the only way you can let go of all the ways you have been harmed, is to rediscover who you truly are and reclaim it.

Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

It Was Never Mine To Begin With!

In today’s podcast we will discuss another of the hidden impacts of childhood sexual abuse, shame and guilt.

 We only discovered that shame and guilt are two separate emotions whilst listening to a Tedtalk by Brené Brown (a research professor at the University of Houston) Listening to the Shame.  In the talk Brené explained that shame is all about the self, whereas guilt is about your behaviour.

 We were plagued with shame for our whole lives believing the negative things our father drilled into us. What we do know now is that shame is so destructive and can keep you locked into a cycle of self-judgement and push you towards addictive behaviours to numb the feelings of self-hatred.

 For us, shame and guilt were permanent companions in our lives. They merged together creating a lethal combination that constantly rushed to the surface anytime we even thought of moving forward. The control our father had over us and his ability to embed negative beliefs about our responsibility in the abuse, left lasting scars that has taken years to unravel.

 We each talk about just how the belief that we were inherently bad stopped us engaging in life and encouraged us to see feelings of vulnerability as weak. We also talk about the difficulty of taking responsibility for our behaviours and what we learned from being able to separate out our behaviours from who we are.

 We hope that by sharing our experience of living with shame and guilt that were never ours to begin with, will help other victims to take back their innocence and see the truth of the abuse they suffered.

 Please share and spread the word……

Take care

Joyce, June and Paula

Everything is Connected!

In today’s podcast we will discuss another of the psychological impacts of childhood sexual abuse, social anxiety.

Anxiety is something everyone experiences over the course of their lives but for us, as children and young adults, we never heard anyone discussing it, nor had we any understanding of what we were feeling in most situations.

We believed we were just shy and understood that we took shyness to a whole other level. This allowed our anxiety to determine what, if any social settings we would attend and engage with.  This had a crippling effect on each of us throughout our lives, leaving us further isolated and full of self-judgement and self-hatred.  We could not understand why we felt so uncomfortable when asked to go somewhere or do something that may seem to others, a simple task, but the anxiety that arose in us was overpowering. This ensured we declined more invitations than we accepted.

Knowing that every unfamiliar situation was disproportionately frightening and embarrassing, meant we felt chronically self-conscious and could only conclude that our father was right to constantly tell us we were stupid. Regardless of how much we criticised ourselves, the thought of others doing the same felt life threatening to us.

The saddest thing about it was that although we hated how it made us feel to decline an invitation, the exclusion was easier to live with than joining in or challenging ourselves. We even got to a space that we convinced ourselves that we really didn’t want to attend different events. If we are to be honest with ourselves, we really didn’t see that we had an option.

It was only through researching for our book that we found that our extreme levels of anxiety were yet another impact from our abuse.  We discovered that our behaviour was a normal response to what was happening to us and learning this allowed us over time, to either let it go or be honest with ourselves when declining an invitation.

Please share and spread the word…..

 Take Care

Joyce, June and Paula

Only You Can Change Your Life

In today’s podcast we will discuss another of the psychological impacts of childhood sexual abuse and Trauma.

We will talk about how we grew up with a mindset that ensured our continued isolation and the belief that no one was ever going to save us. It was only through the writing of our book that we realised its importance and negative influence it held in our lives.   

This way of thinking developed as a result of our abuse and helped to create drama in the most mundane of situations. On some occasions it turned minor issues into catastrophes.

This mentality was born out of feelings of powerlessness, and the belief that those around us didn’t care and could not protect us.  It was understandable to have these feelings in our childhood, but as adults it made it very difficult to trust anyone or make decisions that weren’t coming from a negative place.

This belief system influenced who and how we allowed people into our lives. That old saying the ‘like attracts like’ is true as we tended to attract people who were at the same level of struggle in their lives as we were but neither of us were in a position to identify our behaviours or help each other.  This impacted every relationship in our life and in some cases ensured that we choose people that would not challenge us. On reflection we can see that many times we used our thinking and beliefs to manipulate others to feel pity or sympathy for us, leaving us in a comfortable space where we didn’t have to take responsibility for ourselves.

Our lack of personal responsibility was probably the biggest hurdle we had to face, even making the most basic of decisions was a nightmare for each of us at different stages of our life.  We realise now that without intervention we would never have had any sense of ourselves or our ability, nor would we have ever taken any credit to our achievements and our ability to survive the life we had lived.

We hope that today’s talk helps you to explore how you are with others in your life? Do you have someone that challenges your behaviours and encourages you to examine the emotions that drive the decisions you make on a daily basis? 

We believe when you are armed with the information you can begin to heal and be kinder to yourself for things that were out of your control. 

Take Care 

Joyce, June & Paula xxx

How We Escaped the Pain of Childhood Sexual Abuse

In today’s podcast we will discuss one of the coping mechanisms or methods we used to survive our experience of childhood sexual abuse.  This particular coping mechanism is very common amongst victims who have experienced abuse or trauma as a child, often providing the only escape available to them.

We will discuss how we subconsciously used this mechanism to escape the daily onslaught of the abuse we endured. We will also look at how the continuous use of this mechanism went on to cause immeasurable damage to our ability to function in a healthy way in life.

Unfortunately, we learned the hard way that by blocking out our painful experiences we also blocked our ability to feel good and positive experiences in our life.  This went on to convince us that there was something wrong with us, confirming our negative beliefs that we were bad people who deserved to be abused.

We hope that today’s talk helps you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and hopefully removes some of the negative self-talk that goes hand in hand with being a victim of childhood sexual abuse. We feel if we had access to this information years ago it would have saved ourselves many years of self- hatred.

We believe when you are armed with the right information you can begin to heal and be kinder to yourself for things that were out of your control. 

Take Care 

Joyce, June & Paula xxx

Why are Relationships difficult for Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse 

In today’s podcast we will discuss one of the psychological disorders we developed as a direct result of suffering childhood sexual abuse. Discovering this disorder confirmed for us the benefits of going back to look at our abuse in order to heal. Because we all struggled with relationships, we had to look at our beliefs and behaviours toward others in our lives which allowed us to identify how they had been and continued to be negatively impacted by our experience of being sexually abused as children.

In this podcast we will discuss the many ways this disorder manifested for each of us in our lives and how, until we became aware, we each accepted our negative beliefs and behaviours as simply part of who we were.  That was before we discovered the relationship with this disorder and our past abuse.  Only through discussions and research did we realise, once again, absolutely every negative belief, trait and behaviour grew out of our experience of childhood sexual abuse. We also discovered that of all the psychological impacts of childhood abuse/trauma, this was one of the last and most damaging we identified, simply because it encompassed so much. We also never knew it existed.  Although we each had trust issues and had some understanding of the damage it was doing to our lives, we didn’t know what to do about.  We hope that today’s talk connects with you and helps you gain a deeper understanding of yourself and just how your abuse has impacted you. We believe when you are armed with the right information you can begin to heal and be kinder to yourself for things that were out of your control.  As Maya Angelo said, ‘When you know better, you do better.’

Take Care 

Joyce, June & Paula xxx

Welcome to our Count Me In! Podcast.  We are the Kavanagh sisters, Joyce, June and Paula.  We were each sexual abused by our father.  In 1989 we made the decision to bring charges against our father. He was convicted and imprisoned for seven years and released after five.

As this is our first podcast, we would like to kick things off by looking at why people find it so difficult to discuss the issue of childhood sexual abuse and if there is anything, we can do to help make it easier for them.

Discussing this issue is vitally important if we ever hope to create change. We cannot normalise the conversations around childhood sexual abuse if no one is willing to talk about it. 

It is important to say right from the outset that we do not claim to have all the answers, nor are we qualified therapists/counsellors.  Everything we say is simply our opinions based on each of our personal experience of childhood sexual abuse.

To begin with, each week we will choose one of the psychological impacts of childhood sexual abuse that almost destroyed our lives and discuss just how each of these condition/disorder manifested in our lives.

 The research we undertook to write our second book ‘Why Go Back? 7 Steps to Healing from Childhood Sexual Abuse,’ along with the continued work we do on our own healing, puts us in a position to help other victims let go of the pain and suffering caused by this heinous crime.

Childhood sexual abuse no longer needs to be a life sentence. We strongly believe if you are armed with the information to understand just how every part of your life is altered through the experience of childhood abuse/ trauma you can find peace in your life. 

Take Care 

Joyce, June & Paula xxx