https://mailchi.mp/disreeshaw/sms-signup

#AttachmentStyles #FriendshipDynamics #MentalHealth #Psychotherapy #AnxiousAttachment #AvoidantAttachment #DisorganisedAttachment #SecureAttachment #CBT #TransactionalAnalysis #DramaTriangle #HealthyBoundaries #SelfAwareness #Podcast

Have you ever been left shocked and unsettled by a relationship that vanished into thin air? This session explores the profound emotional and psychological impact of being ghosted. We discuss how it can erode self-confidence, trigger intense self-doubt, and lead to a state of internalised blame. Drawing on concepts from attachment theory, Compassion-Focused Therapy (CFT), and Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), this episode unpacks why ghosting hurts so deeply.

Join me as I discuss the common feelings of betrayal, anxiety, and loss, and how these experiences can shape our future relationships, often leading to a fear of intimacy and connection. More importantly, we explore the path forward. Learn how developing a secure attachment style can build resilience, how to create your own closure without needing an explanation, and how to practise self-compassion. Discover how to transform this painful event into an opportunity for personal growth, turning suspicion into curiosity and rebuilding trust in yourself. This episode is for anyone who has felt lost in the aftermath of being ghosted and is ready to choose growth, empowerment, and self-love.

Join Substack 

Presenter: Disree Shaw, Cognitive Behavioural Therapist Podcast Series: The Shite People Do, Thriving Through the Chaos

Topic This psychoeducational session, titled "Ghosting Unmasked," explored the phenomenon of ghosting, focusing on the perspective, motivations, and psychological dynamics of the "ghoster".

Key Themes Explored - Definition and Dynamics: Ghosting is defined as disappearing from someone's life without explanation, representing a form of social control and dominance. It establishes a superiority/inferiority dynamic, with the ghoster assuming a position of control. - Motivations of the Ghoster:     - Fear of Confrontation: Ghosting is often used to avoid difficult conversations and the discomfort of conflict.     - Self-Preservation: While sometimes framed as self-care, it frequently masks an avoidance of personal development, with the individual running from their own unhealthy behaviours and projections.     - Inability to Communicate: The behaviour reflects an inability to articulate feelings honestly, not just with the other person, but with oneself. - Psychological Profile of the Ghoster:     - Internal Conflict: The ghoster often experiences feelings of guilt, shame, disgust, and anger, which they harbour internally.     - Narrative Creation: To justify their actions and cope with internal conflict, ghosters may create a narrative that demonises the "ghostee," reinforcing their own sense of being "right" and superior.     - Attachment Styles: The behaviour is linked to insecure attachment styles, particularly anxious-avoidant and preoccupied types, who are more likely to "run for the hills" when faced with vulnerability. - Societal Normalisation: The podcast addresses the cultural trend of normalising ghosting as an acceptable social practice, which encourages blaming others while avoiding self-examination.

Psychoeducational Aims & Call to Action - The session aimed to promote self-reflection among individuals who engage in ghosting, encouraging them to question their motivations and the impact of their actions on their personal growth. - It highlighted that ghosting is an unhealthy behaviour that hinders the development of communication skills and healthy relationships. - Listeners were encouraged to engage with further resources via the clinician's Substack subscription, which provides free and paid content, including course materials related to the podcast topics.

Plan - The next podcast in the series will focus on the perspective of the "ghostee." - A weekend workshop is planned to provide a deeper exploration of ghosting, supplemented with course material.

In today's podcast episode, part of "The Shy People Do" series, I explored the often-uncomfortable topic of friendship rivalry, focusing specifically on the complex dynamics within female friendships. The aim was to make therapeutic concepts accessible, helping you understand the games we can play and how we affect ourselves in these relationships.

Drawing from my own experiences as well as my work as a psychotherapist, we delved into the powerful emotions of jealousy and competition. Using a framework from Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT), we distinguished between: - Envy: Wanting what another person has. This can be healthy (aspiring to achieve something similar) or unhealthy (wanting to destroy what they have). - Jealousy: The fear of losing a valued relationship to someone else in the future. It's relationship-based and often drives competitive behaviour.

I discussed how this rivalry can manifest in subtle ways, like backhanded compliments, one-upmanship, and conversations that feel like attacks, leaving you feeling defensive and stressed.

I also shared my personal journey with attachment styles, moving from an anxious-preoccupied style—characterised by people-pleasing, over-giving, and a fear of abandonment—to now fluctuating between a secure and an anxious-avoidant style. My history with "friendship bullies" and tolerating unhealthy dynamics stemmed from this anxious pattern. This self-reflection has been crucial in developing self-compassion and understanding my current cautiousness in female friendships.

The key takeaway is to shift the focus from labelling others as "toxic" to understanding your own patterns and needs. A practical strategy I now use is to address a noticeable shift in a friendship directly by asking, "Has something happened that I'm not aware of?". The response to this open question is very telling. If it's met with defensiveness or gaslighting, it signals that an honest connection isn't possible, and it may be time to lovingly detach.

Ultimately, building a secure attachment with yourself is the foundation for creating healthier, safer, and more empowering friendships.

For those interested in exploring this further, a "deep dive" workshop on friendship rivalry and bullies will be available on my Substack this weekend. Thank you for listening.

#friendships #conflict #attachmentstyle #toxicfriends 

**Key Themes to Reflect On:**

- **You're Not Alone:** It’s startling but true—85-89% of people in therapy are grappling with friendships that cause more harm than good. If you’ve ever felt hurt or confused by a friend's behavior, know that you’re part of a much larger conversation.

- **Spotting Unfriendly Behaviors:** The episode distinguishes between niceness and kindness. Sometimes, a smile can hide hurtful intentions, leading to subtle digs or passive-aggressive remarks. You might recognize moments when a friend’s comments shift from supportive to envious—these are red flags.

- **Emotional Impact:** These kinds of friendships can lead to anxiety and self-doubt. If you catch yourself downplaying your feelings or trying to keep the peace by acting like the "clown," it might be time to reassess.

- **Understanding the Dynamics:** Often, unfriendly behavior stems from the other person's insecurities. But the focus here is on you—why do you stay in these relationships that don’t serve you?

**Action Steps to Consider:**

1. **Acknowledge Your Feelings:** Recognize the emotional toll your friendships may be taking on you.

2. **Observe Without Confronting:** Take note of the behaviors that raise your concerns without immediately addressing them. This can help you maintain emotional distance.

3. **Conduct a Cost-Benefit Analysis:** Think of your friendships as a garden. Assess what’s worth nurturing and what needs to be pruned.

4. **Prioritize Self-Care:** Engage in activities that allow for emotional processing—whether that’s exercise, meditation, or just some quiet time.

5. **Become Your Own Best Friend:** Focus on building your self-esteem and nurturing your own emotional needs.

To delve deeper into these strategies and gain more insights, I encourage you to follow Disree Shaw Substack. Future content will expand on these topics, providing invaluable resources to help you navigate friendships and cultivate healthier relationships. You deserve connections that uplift and empower you, so take that step today!

Introduction: This episode of "The Shite People Do" podcast series focuses on navigating the "awkwardness of conflict" that arises from common social behaviours. It aims to empower listeners to handle these situations, not just by coping, but by thriving. The specific focus is on "digs, shade, and backhanded compliments," moving beyond social media soundbites to provide actionable, CBT-informed strategies for self-support.

Defining the Behaviours: - Dig: A subtle, indirect insult intended to belittle or provoke. - Shade: A veiled form of criticism, often delivered in a passive-aggressive manner. - Backhanded Compliment: A statement that appears complimentary but carries an underlying insult or negative implication.

Case Example (Clinician's Personal Narrative): The clinician describes a personal experience with a new friend who, on three separate occasions, made comments implying she was using skin lightening cream or makeup. - Incident 1: The friend exclaimed, "what lightning cream are you using?" The clinician was shocked and offended, clarified that she does not use such products, and expressed her disapproval. - Incident 2: Weeks later, in a social setting, the friend repeated the comment. The clinician confronted him, stating she had previously said she did not like it. The friend smirked, looked away, and quickly changed the subject. - Incident 3: The behaviour was repeated a third time in front of others. The clinician again stated her boundary, noting it was the third occurrence. The friend responded with the same smirking, dismissive body language.

Emotional Impact and Analysis: - The comments caused initial shock, confusion, and self-doubt, leading the clinician to seek validation from close friends and family. - The friend's behaviour was identified as a combination of a dig, shade, and a backhanded compliment, masked by an overly "nice" and love-bombing persona. - The intention behind such actions is often to control the narrative, create discomfort, and establish a dynamic where the aggressor is in a position of power.

Strategies for Managing These Behaviours: - Recognise the Behaviour: Identify the actions for what they are—digs, shade, or backhanded compliments. Pay attention to body language and the performance of "niceness." - Understand the Emotional Impact: Acknowledge your own feelings (hurt, confusion, anger) without judgement. Practice self-compassion. - Set Firm Boundaries: Do not laugh off or ignore the behaviour. Confront it directly and clearly state that you do not like it. For example: "You've said that before, and I didn't like it then." - Re-evaluate the Relationship: When someone repeatedly ignores your boundaries, it signals a lack of respect. It is necessary to limit or end contact to protect your emotional well-being. - Internal Validation: The most crucial step is to trust your own perception. You do not need others to validate that the behaviour is happening or is inappropriate. What matters is that it happened and how it affects you.

Conclusion and Next Steps: The episode concludes by reinforcing that the goal is not to analyse *why* people engage in these behaviours, but to recognise *that* they do and to develop the skills to protect oneself. An upcoming paid workshop will offer a deeper dive into the emotional regulatory system, coping mechanisms, and dealing with specific behaviours like love bombing.

Listeners will gain insights into recognizing their own patterns, understanding cognitive distortions, and the importance of self-compassion in evolving beyond unhealthy behaviors. Desiree invites you to explore healthier relationships with yourself and others through this enlightening discussion. Join her in fostering emotional well-being and personal development. For more resources, workshops, and guided reflections, consider joining the closed Facebook group, Better Thinking Space.

Through vivid analogies and real-world examples, Disree sheds light on the nuances of trauma dynamics, including the roles of bystanders and perpetrators. She also introduces a valuable resource for self-assessment and personal growth, inviting listeners to join the Better Thinking Space group on Facebook for access to exclusive materials and a supportive community.

Whether you're seeking to understand your own behavior or to aid others in their healing process, this episode offers insightful guidance and practical tools for overcoming the emotional hurdles of trauma and conflict.

Introduction: The podcast, hosted by psychotherapist Disree Shaw, aims to make therapy accessible and change the world "one thought at a time." It will feature 10-15 minute episodes explaining human behaviours, interactions, and conflicts.

Core Concepts: "The Shite People Do":** The podcast will explore problematic behaviours, not just in others (family, friends, colleagues) but also in ourselves ("the shite we do"). It encourages taking responsibility for our part in difficult interactions. "Emotionally Leaky Behaviours":** A key analogy used is the "emotional boiler system." Difficulties like anxiety and depression cause blockages in our emotional "pipes," leading to "leaks" of behaviour that can negatively affect ourselves and others. The podcast aims to help listeners manage these leaks. Therapeutic Frameworks:** Content will be based on established psychological concepts, including:     *   Transactional Analysis     *   Attachment Theory     *   CBT/REBT (Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy)     *   Compassion-focused approaches Focus on Self-Relationship:** The podcast posits that true change comes from improving one's relationship with oneself, which in turn influences all external relationships and life choices (e.g., diet, friendships, conflict resolution).

Podcast Goals & Listener Benefits: Beyond Coping to Thriving:** The goal is not just to help people cope with difficulties but to thrive. This requires active participation and hard work from the individual. Building Resilience:** Therapy and the tools provided are intended to build resilience to face life's challenges. Practical Skills:** Listeners will learn practical skills, such as effective journaling, managing difficult people, and understanding the psychological roots of issues like being overweight. Validation and Understanding:** The platform aims to validate listeners' experiences and help them understand themselves better.

Host's Credentials & Approach: *   Disree Shaw is an accredited and insured psychotherapist with over 10 years of experience, including extensive study, clinical hours, and work as a tutor and lecturer. *   The content is based on her own professional experience and curated materials, explicitly stating it is not generated by AI. *   The podcast serves as a way to provide support to a wider audience, as her private practice has limited availability. It also aims to offer a credible resource in a social media landscape where many non-therapists give advice.

Community & Resources: "Better Thinking Space":** A private Facebook group where listeners can access free resources, ask questions, and get information about upcoming webinars, workshops, and courses created by Ms. Shaw. It is a support and learning space, not a group therapy forum. Call to Action:** Listeners are encouraged to join the Facebook group to access supplementary materials and further learning opportunities.

https://disreeshaw.uk/

https://www.facebook.com/groups/863007925402473/. JOIN THE GROUP

Key CBT Concepts Discussed

Transactional Analysis:** Understanding how interactions with others play a part in daily life outcomes. Attachment Style:** Recognising how attachment styles influence interactions and life outcomes. Triggers:** Identifying triggers and their role in how circumstances and situations play out. The importance of the thinking and trigger process is noted as vital, but the ultimate change lies in the relationship with oneself. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT):** Mentioned in the context that change is not solely about thoughts regarding a situation (a concept heavily based in CBT), but more about feelings towards oneself. The clinician notes that clients will learn about their triggers and CBT. Emotional Regulation:** Discussed through the analogy of an "emotional boiler system," representing the fight, flight, freeze response and the ability to feel, experience, interpret, and anticipate. "Leaky Behaviours":** An analogy for how emotional difficulties (like anxiety, depression, anger) manifest as behaviours that "leak" and create a "mess," impacting both the individual and others. The podcast aims to help manage these behaviours. Resilience Building:** Therapy is presented not as a "fix" but as a process to build resilience to thrive in difficult situations, rather than just cope. Effective Journaling:** Offered as a skill to be learned through the clinician's platform. Self-Compassion:** A key area of learning for clients is how to bring compassion into themselves.